Ireland Ought To Invade England – For Her Own Good
by William Wall
•The Example of the Free World
I intend to argue that Ireland, a neutral country which has put its faith in the United Nations and international law, should now follow the example of other countries in the free world.
•England’s Celtic Past
England was, at one time, a Celtic country, and deserves to be ruled again by Celts. English people in general show a marked predilection to be ruled by Celts anyway. The predominance of Scots in parliament and of Scots, Welsh and Irish on the telly and radio are proof enough, if proof were needed. Anschluss (or, as we say in Celtic Aontas) with Ireland would create an enormous pan-Celtic nation unleashing the kind of creativity and linguistic bravado which the English so admire in us, and which has been suppressed by Anglo-Saxon sang-froid for the last thousand years or so. Under the benign rule of Dublin, England could once again blossom and become that precious jewel that Shakespeare mentioned in a play about illegal arrest and detention in a previous century.
•England’s WMD
England is an avowed possessor of weapons of mass-destruction. This may, of course be a bluff. It is quite possible that the much-vaunted nuclear warheads are merely aluminium tubes imported from Niger, or disused drainpipes. Certainly, England has a vested interest in conveying the impression to the world that it is still a powerful state.
England has used mustard gas – against its European neighbours (in WWI), and against Arabs in Iraq. It has subverted the international order by gathering intelligence on its neighbours and The UN.
•England’s Human Rights Record
It has illegally invaded other countries – even in recent years – and is currently an illegal occupying power in Iraq.
England is guilty of human rights abuses against its own people, most notably the killing of thirteen people by the parachute regiment on Bloody Sunday was found guilty of ‘inhuman treatment of prisoners’ by an international court; and more recently has been interning Muslims as part of a trumped up war on terror. (It is impossible to wage war on a state of mind, but if we must, hunger would be a better target.)
•The Blair Factor
Finally, the country is governed by a very unattractive man, one who keeps both the Koran and the Bible always by his bedside. Whatever we may think of this, and hedging springs to mind, it certainly makes him a dangerous fanatic. He has frequently been described as having a messianic outlook on life. He has deceived his people, imposed restrictions on the free press, denied human rights to (admittedly less significant) British Muslims and Irish people and lied to parliament. He rules in a country where the head of state is also, de jure, the head of the state religion.
•Our Programme
Ireland would liberate England from the control of a fanatical Prime Minister and theocratic monarchy, and introduce the most complicated proportional representation electoral system in the world. It would jump-start England’s ailing economy using the same strategies that led to the much-vaunted Celtic Tiger (tax-breaks for multinationals) and bring the education system up to a par with Ireland’s. In short, we would bring civilisation to this benighted state.
I am formally appealing to the international community to support Ireland’s invasion in a grand coalition of the silly.
When ballots have fairly and constitutionally decided, there can be no successful appeal back to bullets.
—Abraham Lincoln
People pray so that God won't crush them like bugs.
—Dr. Gregory House
Oil an emergency?! It's about time, Brigadier, that the leaders of this planet of yours realised that to remain dependent upon a mineral slime simply doesn't make sense.
—The Doctor "Terror Of The Zygons" (1975)
Considering that England was the country which gave the world the Austin Allegro and various other things too horrible to mention, maybe this idea isn't so crazy at all.
Seriously though, is this "Gaelic Supremacy" rant satire or serious? I'm in doubt...
"Hi there, would you like to have a cookie?"
"No, actually I would HATE to have a cookie, you vapid waste of inedible flesh!"
Peregrin Toker wrote:Considering that England was the country which gave the world the Austin Allegro and various other things too horrible to mention, maybe this idea isn't so crazy at all.
Seriously though, is this "Gaelic Supremacy" rant satire or serious? I'm in doubt...
I am formally appealing to the international community to support Ireland’s invasion in a grand coalition of the silly.
Rather obvious, I'd think...
When ballots have fairly and constitutionally decided, there can be no successful appeal back to bullets.
—Abraham Lincoln
People pray so that God won't crush them like bugs.
—Dr. Gregory House
Oil an emergency?! It's about time, Brigadier, that the leaders of this planet of yours realised that to remain dependent upon a mineral slime simply doesn't make sense.
—The Doctor "Terror Of The Zygons" (1975)
well i can round up a couple fifty thousand beer swillin' Irish boys from Southie to join the fight! Just tell them that the British own the New York Yankees...
"This business will get out of control. It will get out of control and we’ll be lucky to live through it.” -Tom Clancy
Or at least put Ted in the front lines?
With his world championship swimming skills, he'd make an excellent member of an Irish SBS.
"You say that it is your custom to burn widows. Very well. We also have a custom: when men burn a woman alive, we tie a rope around their necks and we hang them. Build your funeral pyre; beside it, my carpenters will build a gallows. You may follow your custom. And then we will follow ours."- General Sir Charles Napier
Well damn. Can they hold off until summer when the university concert choir's tour of England and Ireland is over? I really don't want to be in a war zone.
