Joke Thread # Whatever

Lord Pounder · Post by **Lord Pounder** » 2004-03-09 09:14am

A blond walks into a library.
"excuse me - Can a have a burger and large fries" she demands.
tutting the librarian looks back at her. "Miss" she says "this is a library"
The blond then leans over the counter and whispers "I'm sorry, can i have a burger and large fries please?"

Three guys are comparing their drunkenness from the night before. The first guy says, ‘I was so drunk I don’t even know how I got home … I just woke up in my bed in a pool of sweat.’ ‘Oh yeah?’ brags the second guy. ‘I was so wasted I took home a strange woman and was having sex with her when my wife walked in.’ ‘That’s nothing,’ says the third guy. ‘I was so pissed I was blowing chunks all night.’ ‘Big deal,’ scoff the other two. The third guy says, ‘I don’t think you understand – Chunks is the name of my dog.’

After her business goes bust, a blonde woman named Sharon finds herself in dire financial trouble – so desperate, in fact, that she resorts to praying. ‘God, please help me,’ she wails. ‘I've lost my business, and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my car as well. Please let me win the lottery.’ Saturday night comes, and Sharon watches aghast as someone else wins it. Again, she begins to pray: ‘God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my car, and I'm going to lose my house as well.’ Next Saturday night comes, and Sharon still has no luck. Once again, she prays. ‘God, why haven't you helped me?’ she cries, angrily. ‘I've lost my business, my house, my car and now my children are starving. I’ve always been a good servant to you – PLEASE let me win the lottery just this once, so I can get my life back in order.’ Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open above, and Sharon is confronted with the glowing, ethereal vision of God Himself. ‘Sharon,’ he booms. ‘Meet me halfway on this. Buy a fucking ticket!’

Dorsk 81 · Post by **Dorsk 81** » 2004-03-09 09:27am

Lord Pounder wrote:<sniperoo>

Ah blonde jokes...

A blonde goes out with her friends to a club one night, it's comedy night and they're all having a great time listening to the comics perform sketches or tell jokes.
She goes off to the bathroom and comes back to see a comic starting his ventriloquist act. He starts his act by telling jokes about various things, then he moves on to telling blonde jokes.
After about ten minutes of this the blonde woman stands up and starts shouting "I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS! BLONDES AREN'T STUPID, IT'S JUST A STEREOTYPE!" With this the ventriloquist looks a little shaken and starts to apologise, but before he gets more than two words out of his mouth the woman looks at him and screams "STAY OUT OF THIS! I'M TALKING TO THAT LITTLE FUCKER ON YOUR KNEE!"

Ace Pace · Post by **Ace Pace** » 2004-03-09 01:50pm

I never get that Knee part, can someone explaine that? I've seen it on a dozen jokes, but I can't get it.

Dorsk 81 · Post by **Dorsk 81** » 2004-03-09 01:53pm

Ace Pace wrote:I never get that Knee part, can someone explaine that? I've seen it on a dozen jokes, but I can't get it.

Well, in this particular joke, the ventriloquists dummy is sitting on his knee/lap. Get it now?

18-Till-I-Die · Post by **18-Till-I-Die** » 2004-03-09 03:10pm

A guy is stuck in the rain, so he heads to a nearby barn. The guy who lives there, a farmer whose pants keep falling down cause he has no belt just a peice of rope, says, "You can stay, but you cant look through the little hole inb the wall, that's where my beautiful daughter sleeps."

So naturally, later the night, the guy looks through the hole. He sees what he thinks is the chick's you-know-what (aka cunt). So he promptly sticks his dick through the hole and procedes to fuck her.

The next day he smugly asks the farmer, "So did your daughter sleep well?"

The farmer says, "Well, yes, but when i went to check on her last night, my damn pants fell off, and next thing i know something shoots up my ass! You see anything wierd last night sir?"

True story

.

18-Till-I-Die · Post by **18-Till-I-Die** » 2004-03-09 03:48pm

Oh come now, after Lord Pounder's crack about a guy blowing a dog dont tell me my little sodomy joke is too much.

Zac Naloen · Post by **Zac Naloen** » 2004-03-09 04:10pm

A blonde girl is talking to her mother about her boyfriend. "He's so great" she say's "but he has awful dandruff"

The Mother looks at her daughter knowingly (like a mother does) and says simply "Thats easy to fix, just give him some Head and Shoulders"

The Blonde girl looks slightly confused, "but mum" she says "i understand about the head bit, but how do i give him shoulders?"

18-Till-I-Die · Post by **18-Till-I-Die** » 2004-03-09 04:32pm

(WARNING: anti-Right Wing political jokes, take at a grain of salt)

Soooo...a Klansman, a Nazi, a raving homophobe, and Arnold Shwartzenegger are sitting at a bar...no wait, dont laugh yet, that's just the first guy! (bada-boom)

But seriously, i was watching CNN yesterday when this fucktard finally says, "There are no WMDs in Iraq" to which i respond, "No shit!" and he promptly looks out of the screen and says, "No you fat bastard, we have pleanty of that, just no WMDs, think man think!" (bada-boom!)

Oh yeah...c'mon people laugh, i laughed when i saw you!

2000AD · Post by **2000AD** » 2004-03-09 04:39pm

I heard this one yesterday and thought it was quite funny:

What do you call an indian who's good at DIY?

Ahmed Ma-shed

Zac Naloen · Post by **Zac Naloen** » 2004-03-09 04:40pm

2000AD wrote:I heard this one yesterday and thought it was quite funny:

What do you call an indian who's good at DIY?

Ahmed Ma-shed

O_o

LMAO!!

Comosicus · Post by **Comosicus** » 2004-03-09 05:02pm

Why does Linux resemble an wigwam?

No Gates, no windows, Apache inside.

thecreech · Post by **thecreech** » 2004-03-09 05:23pm

I bear goes to take a shit and comes upon a rabbit that is taking a shit. After they are both done the bear turns to the rabbit and asks

"Does shit stick to your fur like mine"

"Not at all, my fur is so soft that it comes right off" said the rabbit

"Good" said the bear as he grabbed the rabbit and wiped his ass

Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi · Post by **Asst. Asst. Lt. Cmdr. Smi** » 2004-03-09 05:42pm

Why don't priests like Micheal Jackson?

He's taking all of their customers.

Why wasn't Jesus born in LA?

They couldn't find the wise men or a virgin.

How do you know when someone is poor?

When they have to sell the TV that was origionally packaged in their house.

SAMAS · Post by **SAMAS** » 2004-03-09 06:19pm

Some Snoop Dogg jokes:

What's Snoop's favorite type of weather?

Drizzle

What does Snoop Dogg use to keep his whites clean?

BLE-ATCH!

What's Snoop's least favorite cereal?

Froot Loops: He don't love them O's.

Symmetry · Post by **Symmetry** » 2004-03-09 08:29pm

Given the... roughness of the other jokes I guess I'll just go ahead then. Apologies to scottsmen in advance.

Q: Why do scottsmen wear kilts?

A: A sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

Q: What do you call a scottsman with a sheep over either shoulder?

A: A pimp.

Q: What do you call a sheep with a runny nose?

A: Full.

Mayabird · Post by **Mayabird** » 2004-03-10 12:55am

Bah, I don't do one-liners!
[line two]

----------
Three engineering students are standing over an anatomy diagram,
wondering who the designer of the human body was.

The first one says, "It was a mechanical engineer. Look at all
these joints and how they work."

The second one says, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The human
body has thousands of electrical connections."

The third one says, "No, it was obviously a civil engineer. Who
else would put a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
-----------
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Raxmei · Post by **Raxmei** » 2004-03-10 03:06pm

Jasper, the polar bear walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll
ya have?"

The bear replies, "Um...well...um...ah...um...ya know...I think...I'll
have a peach nectar."

The bartender gets the drink, slaps it in front of the polar bear and
asks, "Why the big pause?"

The polar bear looks down, first at his right side, then at his left,
before replying, "I don't know, guess I've always had 'em."

Phantasee · Post by **Phantasee** » 2004-03-10 10:16pm

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him...
The moral: when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Phantasee · Post by **Phantasee** » 2004-03-10 10:25pm

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord, which read: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington DC and, as usual, those jerks deducted $95

Phantasee · Post by **Phantasee** » 2004-03-10 10:25pm

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him.

They would always comment that he was a few bricks shy of a full load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime, and John would always take the nickel.

One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think that you don't know that the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or why?"

Slowly, Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it. So far I have saved up $20!"

Phantasee · Post by **Phantasee** » 2004-03-10 10:25pm

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-
called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you
have a locker room in the police station - a room where you
change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers
with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker
in a room you share with those same officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex,
and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that
room.

Phantasee · Post by **Phantasee** » 2004-03-10 10:26pm

Father visiting America, from Europe, for the very first time, goes up & down the aisles with his son at the local Giant Food Store.

<Dad> "Vas diss?? Powdered Orange Juice??"

<Son> "Yeah, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh 'orange
juice'."

.........a few minutes later, in a different isle........

<Dad> " Und vas dis?? Powdered milk?? "

<Son> Yeah, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh milk!"

........a few minutes later, in a different isle........

<Dad> "Und give a look here!! Baby Powder !! Vat a country, vat a
country!!"

Phantasee · Post by **Phantasee** » 2004-03-10 10:26pm

No Onions

A lady goes into a greengrocer's shop and asks the produce clerk for some onions.

He says," I'm sorry, we don't have any onions."

The lady is insistent: "But you must have some."

"No lady, there's no onions".

"Oh come, come, my man, you must have some out the back for your good customers, "I'll have some of those," she says.

"Okay," says the greengrocer. "Just answer me two questions."

The woman senses victory and agrees.

"How many Cs are there in the word carrots?

"There's just one C in carrots," she says.

"Good. Now, how many Fs are there in the word onions?" he says.

"There's no F in onions."

"Lady, that's what I've been trying to tell you."

Phantasee · Post by **Phantasee** » 2004-03-10 10:26pm

An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

Phantasee · Post by **Phantasee** » 2004-03-10 10:27pm

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from the teller's name plate that her name is "Patricia Whack". So he says: "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant saying. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

So the bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."