Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he writes in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were," says the reporter.
"Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook.
"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy says.
"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child says.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet".
Joke Thread # Whatever
Moderator: Edi
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SyntaxVorlon
- Sith Acolyte
- Posts: 5954
- Joined: 2002-12-18 08:45pm
- Location: Places
- Contact:
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18-Till-I-Die
- Emperor's Hand
- Posts: 7271
- Joined: 2004-02-22 05:07am
- Location: In your base, killing your d00ds...obviously
What, i give you comedy gold and nothing, he makes a redneck joke and 'boom' he's a superstar!? Ok, you want a redneck joke, i'll give you a fuckin' redneck joke! I'll give you all the redneck joke you can handle!
So this redneck chick thinks her husband is cheeting on her cause he always comes home smelling like sex, so she goes to a voodoo woman and asks for help getting revenge. The voodoo woman gives her a bag ofpower, and says "Put this on his wang, and everyone he's had sex with besides you will drop dead."
The redneck chick does this.
She's awakened the next morning by her hick of a husband. "Martha, martha wake up!" He drags her out to the feild, where all the cows and sheep are laying dead on the ground.
"What the fuck happened to them?" he asks.
"Fuck?" she replies.
Bada-Boom, bee-och!
So this redneck chick thinks her husband is cheeting on her cause he always comes home smelling like sex, so she goes to a voodoo woman and asks for help getting revenge. The voodoo woman gives her a bag ofpower, and says "Put this on his wang, and everyone he's had sex with besides you will drop dead."
The redneck chick does this.
She's awakened the next morning by her hick of a husband. "Martha, martha wake up!" He drags her out to the feild, where all the cows and sheep are laying dead on the ground.
"What the fuck happened to them?" he asks.
"Fuck?" she replies.
Bada-Boom, bee-och!
Kanye West Saves.
Two deuterium atoms are walking down the street.
The first one says: "Damn! I lost an electron!"
Second one: Are you sure?
First one: I'm positive!
=======
What's a Pirate's favorite Noble Gas?
ARRRRR-gon!
The first one says: "Damn! I lost an electron!"
Second one: Are you sure?
First one: I'm positive!
=======
What's a Pirate's favorite Noble Gas?
ARRRRR-gon!
"The rifle itself has no moral stature, since it has no will of its own. Naturally, it may be used by evil men for evil purposes, but there are more good men than evil, and while the latter cannot be persuaded to the path of righteousness by propaganda, they can certainly be corrected by good men with rifles."
-
aphexmonster
- Jedi Council Member
- Posts: 1668
- Joined: 2003-04-12 10:42pm
- Location: Sacramento
- Contact:
I love this joke
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."
"No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. Having been under a lot of pressure I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, started cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says," Please tell me how you died." The third man says,"Ok, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."
"No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. Having been under a lot of pressure I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, started cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says," Please tell me how you died." The third man says,"Ok, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
-monster
my sig is totaly lonely now =(
my sig is totaly lonely now =(
-
Comosicus
- Keeper of the Lore
- Posts: 1991
- Joined: 2003-11-23 06:33pm
- Location: on the battlements of Sarmizegetusa
- Contact:
Three male programmers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals.
The first programmer finishes and walks over to the sink to wash
his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands very carefully. He uses
paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of
water on his hands is dried.
Turning to the other two, he says: "At Microsoft, we are trained
to be extremely thorough."
The second programmer finishes his task at the urinal and he
proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes
sure that he dries his hands using every available portion of the
paper towel.
He turns and says: "At Intel not only are we trained to be
extremely thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."
The third programmer finished and walks straight for the door,
shouting over his shoulder:
"We Linux programmers don't piss on our hands."
The first programmer finishes and walks over to the sink to wash
his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands very carefully. He uses
paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of
water on his hands is dried.
Turning to the other two, he says: "At Microsoft, we are trained
to be extremely thorough."
The second programmer finishes his task at the urinal and he
proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes
sure that he dries his hands using every available portion of the
paper towel.
He turns and says: "At Intel not only are we trained to be
extremely thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."
The third programmer finished and walks straight for the door,
shouting over his shoulder:
"We Linux programmers don't piss on our hands."
Not all Dacians died at Sarmizegetusa
-
Comosicus
- Keeper of the Lore
- Posts: 1991
- Joined: 2003-11-23 06:33pm
- Location: on the battlements of Sarmizegetusa
- Contact:
There are only 10 types of people in the world:
those who understand binary and those who do not
********************************************
And now a long list of thoughts on computers:
THE GEEK MANUAL
A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
A Supercomputer is a computer that runs an endless loop in two seconds.
All computers wait at the same speed.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
BorgDOS v6.0 - Assimilate Another [Y/n]?
BREAKFAST.COM halted - cereal port not responding
Computers are like Old Testaments gods. Lots of rules and no mercy.
Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
I finally found the ANY key!
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. (Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM, 1943)
Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
REALITY.SYS corrupted. Reboot UNIVERSE [Y/n]?
Smith & Wesson: The original point-and-click interface.
The faster your computer, the longer it has to wait for you...
The Original Multitasker: Two PCs and a chair with wheels!
When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
A mistake is human, but you need a computer to make a mess of it.
Buy a Pentium. It can reboot faster...
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Error 13: Illegal brain function. User Terminated.
Hit any user to continue.
s your computer possesed? Use DEVICE=EXOR.SYS
My configuration? A head, two arms and hands, two leggs...
NOT A VALID CENTURY
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
PENTIUM - Produces Enormous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
SENILE.COM found... Out Of Memory...
When all else fails, read the instructions.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
WYTYSYDG - What you thought you saw, you didn't get.
2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!
The name is Baud... James Baud.
those who understand binary and those who do not
********************************************
And now a long list of thoughts on computers:
THE GEEK MANUAL
A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
A Supercomputer is a computer that runs an endless loop in two seconds.
All computers wait at the same speed.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
BorgDOS v6.0 - Assimilate Another [Y/n]?
BREAKFAST.COM halted - cereal port not responding
Computers are like Old Testaments gods. Lots of rules and no mercy.
Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
I finally found the ANY key!
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. (Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM, 1943)
Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
REALITY.SYS corrupted. Reboot UNIVERSE [Y/n]?
Smith & Wesson: The original point-and-click interface.
The faster your computer, the longer it has to wait for you...
The Original Multitasker: Two PCs and a chair with wheels!
When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
A mistake is human, but you need a computer to make a mess of it.
Buy a Pentium. It can reboot faster...
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Error 13: Illegal brain function. User Terminated.
Hit any user to continue.
s your computer possesed? Use DEVICE=EXOR.SYS
My configuration? A head, two arms and hands, two leggs...
NOT A VALID CENTURY
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
PENTIUM - Produces Enormous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
SENILE.COM found... Out Of Memory...
When all else fails, read the instructions.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
WYTYSYDG - What you thought you saw, you didn't get.
2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!
The name is Baud... James Baud.
Not all Dacians died at Sarmizegetusa
-
Comosicus
- Keeper of the Lore
- Posts: 1991
- Joined: 2003-11-23 06:33pm
- Location: on the battlements of Sarmizegetusa
- Contact:
Women in Informational Society:
INTERNET woman: woman of difficult access.
SERVER woman: always busy when you need her.
WINDOWS woman: everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but none can live without her.
POWERPOINT woman: only Bill Gates has the will to use her more than half an hour.
EXCEL woman: they say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basically needs.
WORD woman: she has always a surprise reserved for you, but none in the world is able to fully understand it.
DOS woman: everyone had her at least once, but none wants her anymore.
BACKUP woman: you have always believed that she had everything you need, but when the "X-hour" comes, you find out that she has always missed something.
VIRUS woman: also known as "wife"; when you are not expecting her to, she comes, install herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything.
SCANDISK woman: you know that she is good and that she only wants to help you, but you never knows what she is really doing for that.
SCREENSAVER woman: she is not worth for anything, but at least she is fun!
RAM woman: she forgets everything you say when you disconnect her.
HARD-DISK woman: she remembers everything, FOR EVER.
MULTIMEDIA woman: she makes horrible things look beautiful.
MICROSOFT woman: she want to have the domination over all the men she meets, and she tries to convince them that this is the best thing for them. She will do as best as she can to make you fight against the other women, she promises you that you will have everything you want if you will give her your address book. Before you will find it out, she will be the only one in your life. It will come the day you will need her permission to open your refrigerator or to start your car.
PASSWORD woman: you believe to be the only one knowing her, but in reality all the world does....
MP3 woman: everybody wants to take her...
USER woman: She fucks up everything she does and she ask always more than she needs.
CPU woman: From outside, she looks like she has everything, but inside she is empty...
MONITOR woman: She makes life looks more shining.
CD-ROM woman: she is always faster and faster.
DATAWAREHOUSING woman: she keeps you informed of everything, except what you really want to know.
E-MAIL woman: Every ten things she says, eight are bullshit....
INTERNET woman: woman of difficult access.
SERVER woman: always busy when you need her.
WINDOWS woman: everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but none can live without her.
POWERPOINT woman: only Bill Gates has the will to use her more than half an hour.
EXCEL woman: they say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basically needs.
WORD woman: she has always a surprise reserved for you, but none in the world is able to fully understand it.
DOS woman: everyone had her at least once, but none wants her anymore.
BACKUP woman: you have always believed that she had everything you need, but when the "X-hour" comes, you find out that she has always missed something.
VIRUS woman: also known as "wife"; when you are not expecting her to, she comes, install herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything.
SCANDISK woman: you know that she is good and that she only wants to help you, but you never knows what she is really doing for that.
SCREENSAVER woman: she is not worth for anything, but at least she is fun!
RAM woman: she forgets everything you say when you disconnect her.
HARD-DISK woman: she remembers everything, FOR EVER.
MULTIMEDIA woman: she makes horrible things look beautiful.
MICROSOFT woman: she want to have the domination over all the men she meets, and she tries to convince them that this is the best thing for them. She will do as best as she can to make you fight against the other women, she promises you that you will have everything you want if you will give her your address book. Before you will find it out, she will be the only one in your life. It will come the day you will need her permission to open your refrigerator or to start your car.
PASSWORD woman: you believe to be the only one knowing her, but in reality all the world does....
MP3 woman: everybody wants to take her...
USER woman: She fucks up everything she does and she ask always more than she needs.
CPU woman: From outside, she looks like she has everything, but inside she is empty...
MONITOR woman: She makes life looks more shining.
CD-ROM woman: she is always faster and faster.
DATAWAREHOUSING woman: she keeps you informed of everything, except what you really want to know.
E-MAIL woman: Every ten things she says, eight are bullshit....
Not all Dacians died at Sarmizegetusa
-
Comosicus
- Keeper of the Lore
- Posts: 1991
- Joined: 2003-11-23 06:33pm
- Location: on the battlements of Sarmizegetusa
- Contact:
PRISON VS WORK
In prison you spend most of your time in a 8x19 cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you break for only one meal and you have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work you carry the key and must unlock and open all the doors
yourself.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.
In prison your family and friends get to visit.
At work you cannot see or speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
At work you get to pay all your expenses to go to work and then taxes
are deducted from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your time looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison there are wardens who often are sadistic.
At work we have managers.
In prison you spend most of your time in a 8x19 cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you break for only one meal and you have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work you carry the key and must unlock and open all the doors
yourself.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.
In prison your family and friends get to visit.
At work you cannot see or speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
At work you get to pay all your expenses to go to work and then taxes
are deducted from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your time looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison there are wardens who often are sadistic.
At work we have managers.
Not all Dacians died at Sarmizegetusa
-
Oni Koneko Damien
- Sith Marauder
- Posts: 3852
- Joined: 2004-03-10 07:23pm
- Location: Yar Yar Hump Hump!
- Contact:
I've heard a slightly different version of this joke, goes something like this:It was getting a little crowded in Heaven,
Two guys are standing at the gates of heaven, one asks the other, "So, how did you die?"
The other replies, "Hypothermia, you?"
The first one says, "Well, it's sort of a long story..."
The second guy says, "It's the afterlife, we have eternity to wait, go ahead and tell it."
The first guy goes, "Well, okay, I came home, and I thought my wife was cheating on me. I found her sitting naked in her room, with somebody else's clothes on the floor. Now really pissed, I start running through all the rooms in the house, looking for the guy. After about an hour of searching, I give up. I felt so bad about it that I had a heart attack a few minutes later and died."
The second guy sighs, "Man, if you had looked in the refridgerator, we'd both still be alive."
-Damien
Gaian Paradigm: Because not all fantasy has to be childish crap.
Ephemeral Pie: Because not all role-playing has to be shallow.
My art: Because not all DA users are talentless emo twits.
"Phant, quit abusing the He-Wench before he turns you into a caged bitch at a Ren Fair and lets the tourists toss half munched turkey legs at your backside." -Mr. Coffee
Ephemeral Pie: Because not all role-playing has to be shallow.
My art: Because not all DA users are talentless emo twits.
"Phant, quit abusing the He-Wench before he turns you into a caged bitch at a Ren Fair and lets the tourists toss half munched turkey legs at your backside." -Mr. Coffee
-
Comosicus
- Keeper of the Lore
- Posts: 1991
- Joined: 2003-11-23 06:33pm
- Location: on the battlements of Sarmizegetusa
- Contact:
There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says:
"Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just
can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."
He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says:
"Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just
can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."
Not all Dacians died at Sarmizegetusa