Dissecting "Portal"

[Kuja]

I dont like it when he constantly belittles Star Wars, and it becomes rapidly anoying, but it wasnt exactly an atrocity. There was a comparitively poor fanfic i read somewhere called 'Star Destroyer Armageddon' or some shit, and the guy who wrote it couldnt even pen naritives correctly.

I bet you're referring to Star Destroyers Rampantby Kaz, which is pretty much the polar opposite of this fic.

[18-Till-I-Die]

I dont like it when he constantly belittles Star Wars, and it becomes rapidly anoying, but it wasnt exactly an atrocity. There was a comparitively poor fanfic i read somewhere called 'Star Destroyer Armageddon' or some shit, and the guy who wrote it couldnt even pen naritives correctly.

I bet you're referring to Star Destroyers Rampantby Kaz, which is pretty much the polar opposite of this fic.

Bingo! God was that a bad fic. You know a writer is bad when his naritive boils down to, "Yeah, that's right, two hundred gigatons! You heard me, Trekkies, so suck it!"

It's one thing to be a poor writer, it's another to be dishonest and biased, but it's an entirely different kettle of fish to actually make back handed comments durring a naration. Yes, Portal is possibly one of teh worst SW vs ST fanfics ever, but at least Kennedy tries to maintain the illusion of objectivity, even if he is annoyingly, starkly dishonest in other ways.

[Spanky The Dolphin]

The yellow primary text is offensive to my eyes, and your green comments are pratically invisible in BlackSoul. I cannot get far without giving up due to discomfort and irritation.

Tribun, could you please go back and edit your posts so that they are in more pleasing and legible?

[Tribun]

Reformatted it.
Stroy is now green and my comments white.

18-Till-I-die>Wait until you see Chapter 6, than you want to shoot G. Kennedy.....

[RedImperator]

The Death Star was built to overpower planetary shields. Without the superlaser, it would take weeks to batter them down with just the surface turbolaser mounts, and it would presumably be under fire from planetary defenses the entire time.

It's as big as a moon! Millions, nay, billions of ISDs could be built in it's stead.

The Empire was more than capable of doing both. At any rate, the point of the Death Star was to render all planetary defenses obsolete in one stroke. It did that. It was the lynchpin of Tarkin's "rule by fear" strategy, where the galaxy would be kept peaceful by the fact that the Empire could destroy any world it cared to, instantly, with no chance of anyone preventing it or getting away. A billion ISDs simply don't have the same psychological impact. You can delude yourself into thinking you can hold off an armada, or escape one, but what can you do when an invulnerable battlestation shows up with no warning to blow your planet out of the sky?

Besides...the Galaxy Gun was a far better, more efficient, and more powerful strategic weapon than any Death Star.

And an M-16 is a better infantry weapon than a flintlock musket, but George Washington had to be content with the latter. They didn't have the Galaxy Gun until after Endor--had they had it sooner, I'm sure they would have skipped the Death Stars (if, in fact, the destruction of the two Death Stars didn't convince them that another strategy was needed).

[RedImperator]

By the way, having finally read Portal, I must say, though it's bad, the reports of its awfulness have been exaggerated. It's a lousy fanfic primarily because there's no suspense and the heroes are assholes, but it can't even begin to compare with the reams of drivel available on the Internet, and I'm not counting shit like Raycav's snuff fic. That it's grossly inaccurate goes without saying, but that has no bearing on whether the story succedes or fails dramatically (it COULD be an interesting story about the Federation struggling against a technically inferior opponent who vastly outnumbers them, if Kennedy were competent enough to give us any hint the Federation might lose).

[Deathstalker]

"Why are you talking to an inanimate object?" She asked curiously.
"No voice interface?" Dax said gloomily.
"Voice interface?" Leia said, aghast. "Those went out of style decades ago. Vocal commands aren't precise enough for more than casual use, surely?"
"Maybe it depends on how good your software is." Dax said pointedly. "Okay, let's do this the good old fashioned way." She sat at the controls and began typing. "Okay· let's see what we can find·" she muttered to herself.

This made me laugh. Can be rebutted with by one thing, C-3PO. The empire probably doesn't use voice interface for securtiy reasons. The Death Star can't be self destructed by any fool who can mimick the commander's voice.

[Techno_Union]

Not to mention Mara Jade's new space vessel has voice interface. This guy just completly ignores all facts and uses whatever trek fantasy he can come up with, each topping the last.

[Tribun]

Now comes the worst of the worst:

Chapter 6

Vader looked at the four bodies uneasily. To be this close to anything from this galaxy was uncomfortable; even the dead gave no comfort.
[He again writes Vader as some sort of whimp. But that not surprises me anymore.]
"The information." He said. Melkar handed him the handscreen.
"Our technicians have checked it thoroughly my Lord." He said, clearly nervous. Vader wondered idly if there was some hidden streak of force perception within him; anybody who was endowed with it would feel the effects of this place, these people. "They claim it is authentic, so far as they can determine. Certainly the records match the actions of the enemy fleet thus far."
"What killed these people?"
"Three died of burns, one of decompression my lord."
Vader stared at the corpses as if he could intimidate them into talking. Finally he shook his head; this was pointless, he was learning nothing.
"What is their next planned move?"
"Their fleet is short of fuel and has nearly exhausted its weapons - their ships are fast and powerful, but have little endurance compared to ours. They are going to avoid contact and deploy their fleet to defend the forth planet. It is their capital world, but has little in the way of fixed defences. They will attempt to hold off any assault until their reinforcements from nearby systems can arrive - that is scheduled to be in another ten hours." Melkar shook his head. "We cannot possibly reach the planet before then, my lord. By the time we arrive there will be substantial reinforcements in place. Over a thousand enemy vessels are on their way, enough to be a serious impediment to our fleet."
[Many things:
1.)He again wirtes the "stupid Imperials". This trap is so obvious that he only writes that to again shit on SW and to vent his hated before he explodes because of it.
2.)"Fast and powerful"? Compared to Imperial ships, Federation ships are neither fast or powerful.They are snails compared to Imperial ships, and thier power generation is laughable compared to that of a Star Destroyer. All in all two lies in one sentence.
3.)They blindly accept that Mars is capital, even if they should clearly see that Earth is the only terran planet in system. He again uses the "stupid Imperial" fallacy, and also lies about the capacities of Imperial sensor systems, which easily could analyse all from a nice distance.
4.)Why can't they reach the planet in ten hours? That lie is so poor that it hurts.
5.)Thousand ships? He not only overestimates Federation fleet strengh, especially when you remember that they are fighting the Dominon at the same time, but wants to imply that they could easily shake thousand ships out of thier hat for reinforcements.
Wow, that was a long list...]
"We can use a hyperspace jump." Vader said slowly.
"Well yes my lord, a jump would cover that distance in seconds - but it will take hours just to assemble the fleet into formation and we will be badly disorganised when we emerge. It will put us at a severe disadvantage."
[Hours to assemble the fleet? He wants to make Imperial navigators and tacticals look bad, nothing more. They would only need minutes at best for that. Remember ROTJ, where the Rebel fleet just jumped, without even bothering with formation. The whole formaion thing is a big brain-bug.
Kennedy ignores canon evidence for his own agaenda.]
"The fleet can be ready within two hours." Vader said. Melkar paled, but it was obvious that the subject was not open to debate. "Inform the captains that we jump then. We have them on the point of defeat; disorganised or not, we have the numbers to overwhelm them. Their reinforcements will arrive to find their capital a smoking ruin and a similar fate awaiting them."
"Yes my lord."
[That he jumpes scenes without any indication is a really bad habit of Kennedy, and shows his bad writing style more clearly than other things.]
"There are indications that the Imperial fleet is re-deploying its formation." Data said. "They appear to be preparing to make a new move."
[Of course the Federation can see them the whole time. He boosts Federation sensor systems into the ridiculous. Remember that the same sensors couldn't see a ship over the magnictic north pole of a planet?
But he doesn't care, because he feels so greath with his SW-bashing that he now totally ignores canon Trek AND Wars for his own agenda.]
"So this is it; the next couple of hours will tell us if they've swallowed the bait." Riker added.
"What's the status on our reinforcements?" Picard asked.
Riker consulted a panel. "Circling to come in with the sun between them and the Imperials, as you ordered." He said. "They'll be in place in the blind spot above the pole in seventy five minutes."
[He insults, that Imperial sensores have the same weakness as Federation sensores! That is an undoubtly attack on SW-tech with the preamble :"Trek is best, so Wars must be worse". Remember when the Death Star circled around Yavin? Well, Yavin must have a really ugly magnetic field (like all gas giants), and it hadn't bothered thier sensors in the slightest!
Another problem with that plan is, that Mars doesn't have a significant magnetic field. It is so weak that it is only baerly registed. That makes the insult even more worse than already.]
"That's cutting it closer than I'd like, number one."
"I know sir, but if the Empire spots one single ship coming in it will make them doubt the information we've planted on them. We can't afford to let that happen."
"Agreed. What's the status of our own forces?"
"We have seventy six ships reporting full combat readiness; another twelve are damaged but reporting that they are capable of serving on the line. A further ten are crippled - they're offloading photon torpedoes, spares and crew to other ships. The Theseus and the Ramilies have both suffered propulsion failures and are heading out of the battle zone on thrusters only. They'll all be well away from the combat area before the firing starts."
[It is ridiculous that so many Fed ships are left after all that.]
"Good. Now we wait."
Dax watched helplessly as the Death Star cruised away. The station suddenly spurted forward - an instant later it was gone.
[He again switches scenes without even indicating it with a word! This is a really annoying habit of him!]
"They've entered FTL." O'Brien reported.
"How long until we can follow?"
"I don't know. We have damage to at least one warp coil. Replacing it is a dry-dock job; I can patch the conduits up and reconfigure the warpfield to run without a coil on one side, but that's going to take at least half an hour or more."
"What about communications?"
"The short range systems are fine, but we won't have subspace communications anytime soon sir - there's nothing left of it to repair, we need a completely new unit."
"So we can't warn Starfleet that that thing is on its way."
[After a fight with a Death Star this is ridiculous damage! The ship should have been vaporised with the first his, since the Turbolasers of the DS are really strong.]
"No sir."
"Well that's just great. It'll make a nice surprise for them, I'm sure." She said bitterly. You should have waited, idiot! "Do what you can. I want us underway as soon as possible."
[No Dax, you just should have run away to save you life and the lives of your crew. But no, you were to stupid. Kennedy can really decide what to write.]
"The fleet is ready to go to light speed my lord." Melkar announced. "We are conducting sensor scans of the target area - we have a fix on the Federation fleet, but at this range we can see little else."
[He did it. He simply crippled Imperial sensor systems for his own goals! Can you even belive that?! He obviously had naver seen TESB and how far Imperial sensors can really reach. But the building of lies will still grow to more monumental proportions, just wait....
In so far, Kennedy wins already the Trekkie logic award.]
"Are they attempting to jam our scans?"
"No my lord."
"We have them." Vader gloated. "Order the fleet to proceed, captain."
"Here we go." Riker announced. "Jupiter Outpost ninety two reports the Imperial fleet appears to be preparing to jump to FTL drive."
"Signal all ships." Picard said. "Battle stations, prepare to fire massed torpedo volleys. Data, calculate the likely emergence point."
[From where do the got all that torpedos? They were short of them, and now they are re-stocked? Had he even written that this happened? No, so he magically snips his finger, and the stocks are full of torpedos again. That's poor writing.....]
"Aye sir." A roughly cylindrical patch of the tactical display turned grey. Picard viewed it critically.
"You can't narrow it down more than this?"
"We will not have absolutely precise course information on the Imperial fleet until they jump to FTL. At that point we will have only a few seconds to react."
"Send this information to the fleet. Have every ship continually update its firing solution - I want everybody ready to fire the instant the Imperials come back into normal space."
"That's it!" Riker said. "The fleet has jumped to FTL! We have seconds to go." On the screen the grey area representing the probable target zone collapsed to a tenth its previous size.
"Commit all defence drones." Picard ordered. "Have them proceed to those co-ordinates. Have planetary defences stand by to fire."
[Defence drones? Does he mean that things, we have seen in "Best of both worlds"? Then they are not impressive.]
"Neutrino surge." Riker said. "Here they come."
[Again this neutrino thing. I a least now know why he had created it. That way he could always let his Feds detect Imperial ships before they could leave hyperspace. But other than that, his creation defies any canon.]
On the screen Imperial ships began to appear by the thousand. It was an awesome sight, and for just a moment Picard was stunned into silence. Here we go.
"Defence drones to active status." He ordered. Explosions began to ripple through the Imperial formations as the automated craft found their targets. Each carried a warhead equal to ten photon torpedoes, more than enough to obliterate a Star Destroyer.
[Ten photon torpedos more then enough to destroy a Star Destroyer?! What kind of stuff had he smoked?! That is the Wars-hater and rabid Trekkie speaking, nothing more.]
"Planetary defences, fire." Picard ordered. Dozens of phaser beams began to pour up from the surface of Mars, and from the stations and satellites orbiting the planet. Strings of photon torpedoes followed.
[Did Mars even have such a defense system? Remember "Best of both worlds", where a Borg cube hovered over Earth, and did we see planetary defense fire? No. And Earth is the most important planet in the system.
Therefore he is dishonest, when he gives Mars such a strong defense grid.]
"Fleet units, fire." More phasers and photons joined the storm of destruction. Many of the Imperial ships where blasted apart within moments of leaving hyperspace, never even realising they where under attack. Others panicked and initiated evasive actions - a move that was normally not allowed in close fleet formations. The results where inevitable; ships began to collide with one another, spinning out of control and spreading further chaos. As more emerged from hyperspace they found wreckage directly in their path, slamming into it at near light speed.
[This assclown made me really angry with that scene, because he lies in all of it. But one of the biggest lies is, that the Imperial fleet comes in waves out of hyperspace. Had he never seen ROTJ, where the Rebel fleet just came out of hyperspace at once? Obviously not.
Kennedy also mind-mastrubates heavily with his idea that the ships crash together in the hundereds. It is so ridiculous that I want to scream him into death.]
Picard watched with something approaching pity. The first few waves of ships have no chance, no chance at all, he thought to himself. Star Destroyers where exploding by the hundreds, even thousands.
And still it went on. Every ship destroyed created megatons of wreckage for others to plough into. The bridge crew watched in silence, motionless except for Data's hands on the tactical console, as the Imperial fleet fell into total disarray. The ballet of death went on for minute after minute without pause or respite of any kind.
[He continues his mind-mastrubation by even more spouting his shit in this scene. His numbers are totally utopic, his writing style is pure gloating and stadart "stupid Imperial" propaganda by him. Here he again fires his hated-cannons at full strengh and with pure Wars-hated.
Also, this for minutes? He had clearly never seen ROTJ, I can't explain it any other way except that he lies intentionally for his "Trek-is-best" agenda.The fleet would have come out all at once, but he ignores that.
He also misuses "megatons". Megatons a unit of destructive power, not for mass (the mass of the wreckage).]
Vader watched his fleet being cut apart with a rage so intense it was beyond anything he had ever felt before. His own ship, along with its escort and a reserve force, had emerged well clear of the main body. He had an excellent view of the battleground.
"The Federation ships?" He asked.
"We are reading nearly a hundred of them in orbit of the planet my lord." Melkar said, his eyes locked on the scene being played out before them.
[He continues to gloat at the Empire.]
"Attack."
"We are out of range, my lord."
"Close on them and attack at once." Vader ordered.
"We will need time, my lord, to re-establish our formation-"
Vader spun around, his hand flashing out to strike the Imperial captain in the face; Melkar thudded into the deck, stunned. "At once!" Vader hissed. Commit all ships, everything we have left. I want that fleet destroyed utterly, now."
[He wants to write Vader as totally stupid and irrational while in anger. He ignores that Vader is ever calculationg if it is worth or not. Also, Vader wouldn't be that stupid, because he had faught in great scale battles in the Clone Wars. Kennedy tries to paint him as a complete idiot.
Also, what is it with him and formations? He had never seen ROTJ, right? Well, the Imperials and Rebels gave a shit on formations. They weren't needed because of thier all-around firearcs.]
"We're reading some ships emerging significantly behind the main fleet." Data reported. "A force of some three thousand. They are far enough clear of the fleet to avoid collisions and are out of our weapon range."
"What are they doing?" Picard asked.
"They are somewhat disorganised, but they appear to be circling around the main fleet and heading this way." Data said.
"Let them get close enough to get a few shots off, then pull back to just outside their weapons range." Picard ordered. "Head for the fall-back position. All ships to continue firing as they go."
"Aye sir."
Vader watched with rage as the Starships turned and began to fall back. "They shall not escape me," he grated. "They shall not. Full pursuit!"
[He continues to bash Vader as a stupid idiot. A variant of the "stupid Imperial" fallacy, but nothing more. And no real substance.]
"They're following us sir." Riker said.
"Just as they should." Picard agreed.
The Enterprise led its fleet of nearly a hundred Starships past Mars's magnetic pole and continued on, the Imperials in pursuit.
[He not knows the facts. Mars doesn't have a real magnetic pole, since it's magnetic field is far too weak to be of any sigificance.]
Picard thumbed a communications channel open. "Picard to Sovereign."
"Captain Sarkan here, captain Picard."
"We're relaying your target co-ordinates now. Engage the enemy at will."
"Very well. Sarkan out."
The blind spot that occurs above the magnetic pole of almost any planet was a long-known factor in warfare within the Federation; Riker had once used the effect while serving on the Starship Potemkin to hide from an opponent. By modern standards it was a somewhat outdated manoeuvre, a well known tactic that rarely caught anybody by surprise any more.
[A total lie on his account.In "The Hunted" they were totally surprised by that, and were relatively helpless against that tactic, because they don't knew what to do against it.]
Of course, the Empire was new to it.
[He insults the tactical capacities of the Imperial Navy, nothing really new from his side.]
From within the blind spot Picards reinforcements emerged - over three hundred Starships, most of the Federations Core Defence Fleet. At the head of the formation the Sovereign class USS Alaska, Tirpitz and Kirov accompanied the Sovereign herself, flanked by six Galaxy class and nearly two dozen Nebula class vessels. All of them opened fire on the Imperial fleet from point blank range.
[AND he lies about Imperial sensor technology again. Imperial sensors are much more advanced than Federation ones. They detected the Rebel base on Yavin IV even through the horrible magnetic fields of Yavin. They detected the Hoth base from outside the system. The Rebel could detect them on Hoth, when they left Hyperspace outside the system.
Imperial sensors are superior. But Kennedy doesn't want to know any about it.]
"Order the fleet to come hard about." Picard ordered. "Engage the enemy at will."
The remaining Imperial forces seemed to stagger under the impact of hundreds of torpedoes and phaser arrays. Badly co-ordinated and caught totally by surprise, the Imperial fleet fell apart within minutes. The captains turned their ships around and attempted to flee, only to recreate in miniature the confusion that still gripped the main fleet.
[He gloats with the help of the "stupid Imperial" fallacy. And he writes the Feds as heroic as possible. Also his overestimation of Federation firepower again shows it's ugly head in this "story".]
"My lord," Melkarr turned to Vader, terror gripping his heart. "We... we need to retreat."
The Dark Lord turned to the trembling captain and regarded him for a long moment. "Order all ships to withdraw." He said finally. "We will go back to the portal and make a stand there."
"They're retreating." Riker said in satisfaction.
[Of course he must write that they are statisfied.]
"How many?"
"Nearly a thousand are pulling off. Close to twice that are damaged and adrift, the rest..."
"Forget them, we can finish them later. Order all ships to pursue the main fleet but do not fire unless fired upon. Let's give them the chance to end this. Transmit a continuous hail to lord Vader offering him a surrender."
Riker tapped the order into his console. "Fleet's responding in the affirmative." He said a moment later. "We are in pursuit."
The remaining Imperial ships powered out of Mars orbit, the Federation fleet pacing them easily as they dodged through the cloud of wreckage now spreading around Mars. Now and then an Imperial ship would attempt to put up some kind of offence, only to be torn apart by photon torpedoes.
[That becomes really offending. Imperial ships have much stronger sublight engines than Impuse can ever give the Federation. Therefore Fed ships could never chase them efficently.
An that he says with a "by the way"-tone the last sentence is insulting against every Star Wars fan, and even Trek fans.]
"We're picking up a new sensor reading." Riker said. "A neutrino surge again - much bigger than before."
[Again his neutrio brain-bug in conjunction with hyperdrive.]
"Reinforcements?" Picard said, anxiously.
"I don't know. It's a single signal - one ship rather than a fleet. I think..." Riker trailed off. On the screen, something the size of a small moon dropped out of FTL drive directly ahead of them.
Admiral Sandell paced the Death Stars huge command centre, deep in thought. He had expected to arrive to find a victorious Imperial fleet; he had told his turbolaser crews to stand down and give the stations main weapon a clear shot at whatever inhabited planets they found. Instead...
He looked out again at the graveyard ahead of the station. In over thirty years as a Naval officer he had never heard of losses on this scale. Fifteen thousand ships - gone, and to a force a fraction of that size. He had heard about the technological sophistication of this new enemy, but he could scarcely have believed that such a humiliation was possible.
["Technological sophistication"?! Now his lies about Federation technology takes new hights. That is the peak of all arrogance, I can't see it in any other way.]
Angrily, he snapped himself out of the reverie. He could feel the depressed mood on the command deck - Imperial crews where unused to defeat, his most especially. So these...these outsiders think they have us beat? Well, think again.
"That planet." He snapped, pointing at the red-green ball hanging beyond the graveyard. "Target the superlaser on it and fire when ready."
[Since when has the Mars green parts? In Trek canon it is just like today...only red-brown colors.]
"It's... over a hundred kilometres across." Riker said, glancing at the sensor readouts.
"I am reading several million weapon emplacements on the surface." Data reported. "Also, what looks like a set of very large laser cannon of unknown type. Those weapons are powering up."
"Keep the fleet out of turbolaser range of that thing." Picard said instantly. "They can engage at will, but until we know more I don't want anybody near it."
[Plain english: "Fed weapons can fire longer distances than Turbolasers.". You already know what is wrong with that statement.]
"The vessel is firing." Data said.
From the huge indentation on the sphere, a set of green beams suddenly sprung. They came together at a single point and seemed to hesitate for a moment. Then a single bright beam sprung from that point.
It hit Mars square on.
Sandell watched with satisfaction as the planet bulged, then split, then exploded into a trillion fragments in the space of an instant.
[At least the main weapons functions right.]
"Prepare to launch all fighters and our entire destroyer force." He said in satisfaction. "Take us in towards the enemy fleet and have all weapons fire the instant they have a target."
Picard watched, open-mouthed as a solid wall of debris spewed into space. "Oh my God."
[Why weren't they destroyed by the debris? That stuff is hurled out with 5% lightspeed. That's pretty deadly for a Federstion ship.
Oh, and had he forgot, that the Fads are all pure Atheists?]
For perhaps ten seconds, there was total silence on the bridge of the Enterprise.
"Order the fleet to fall back." Picard said finally. "We'll re-group at Earth and make our stand there."
"The remaining Imperial ships are heading for that thing." Riker said.
"Let them go." Picard glanced again at the field of rubble that had been a planet only seconds ago. "Just... let them go."
"Another ship is approaching." Data reported. "Standard warp drive. It is the Defiant... They are hailing us."
"On screen." The Defiants bridge appeared. Dax and Troi stood together in front of the captains chair.
"Captain..." Dax said. "I just wish we could have got here a little sooner but our warp drive is damaged and our long range communications are out. We... we have a way to destroy that thing. We're transmitting the detailed information to you now. There's an exhaust port for the main reactor on the surface - put a torpedo down there and you'll trigger an explosion that will destroy the whole thing."
[There are two big things:
-Gross overestimation of Federation warp. The Death Star arrived in half a hour, but Defaint only needs few minutes(they needed to repair first). That again shows his bias against Star Wars hyperdrive, when he implies that it is slower than warp!
-The whole plan can't work!
Federation torpedos are far to big, to fit into the exhaust port. Also, they are to clumsy, since Luke's torpedos had to to a 72.000g turn to enter the port.
To make it short: They aren't capable to do it.]
"We have the information." Data said.
"Can you locate the port?" Picard asked.
"Not from here sir. We must close to close range in order to target something so small."
"That's not going to be easy." Riker cautioned.
"No, I'm sure it won't." Picard said. "Have all the Sovereign, Galaxy and Nebula class ships rendezvous at this location immediately. Captain, if you wish to pull back-"
"No sir." Dax said stiffly. "If I'd acted differently this wouldn't have happened. I believe I owe those bastards a little retribution."
"As you wish. Stand by to follow us in. Picard out."
[Dax is really stupid, to got into battle with a half-dead ship.]
"The requested ships are standing by sir." Data reported.
"Then I see no need to keep them waiting. Arrow formation, we'll take the lead. Take us straight in at full impulse, stand by on all torpedo tubes. Engage."
Thirty five Starships turned and dived at the station simultaneously. An incredible barrage of turbolaser fire rained up at them from both the station and the Star Destroyers clustered around it.
"Admiral, a group of enemy ships is heading for us." The sensor technician looked up, a nervous look on his face. "They appear to be heading directly for the reactor exhaust ports."
Sandell paled slightly. How could they know to do that? Of course, the Rebels - that scum would sell their treason on at any opportunity.
After the loss of the original production Death Star, Sandell had ordered some modifications to the area around the exhaust ports. An extra two hundred turbolaser batteries had been installed in that area, two thirds of them lightweight models intended to intercept snub fighters. Little use against these ships, of course.
[That's complete insult againt Imperial engeneers. Logic says that they would have erased that weakness in any further battle station as they had done in DS II. But Kennedy doesn't think so. Of course he had done this because otherwise the Death Star is indestructable.
An he wants to destroy it as the peak of his "Trek-is-best" symphony, which he plays here. A really easy to see manouver of his.]
"Concentrate every battery we have on those ships." He snapped. "Ignore everything else - we have to stop them getting through!"
"We're taking a lot of fire. Our shields are at fifty percent." Riker cautioned.
"Continue on course." Picard said.
Phasers and torpedoes lanced out, scoring the surface of the Death Star deeply. Weapon emplacements where obliterated by the hundred as the phasers swept across the surface, but it barely touched the colossal firepower pouring up from the surface.
"Shields at twenty percent." Riker said. "Fifteen. Shields on the Kirov have failed, she's taking heavy damage."
"Have her fall back." Picard ordered.
"Our shields are at ten percent. We can't take this much longer sir."
"We will continue on course." Picard spoke with a voice that could have driven nails through Duranium.
"Shields have failed." The ship began to rock heavily as turbolaser bolts hit home. "Registering multiple hits on forward sectors. The ablative armour is holding, but it won't for long!"
[Insultig that even without shield thier rate of getting damage is so low, that it clearly shows Kennedy's agenda.]
The Enterprise shook once, her structure screaming at the stresses imposed on it, then heeled over to port.
"Port impulse engine is down to half power." Riker reported. "We're loosing speed and manoeuvrability." The ship shook again, throwing several people out of their chairs. "Hit on the main torpedo turret. It's inoperable. The other ships are reporting damage as well."
"Who's closest to us?" Picard asked.
"Defiant."
"Get us between her and the surface. We'll shield her so she can make the torpedo attack."
"Aye sir."
[Of course the damaged Defaint had to do the attack. That's a poor story device.]
The Enterprise heeled over and positioned itself directly ahead of the smaller warship. The two continued down toward the Death Star's surface.
"In range in five seconds." Riker said. "We can't take a whole lot more of this sir."
"We won't have to." Picard said calmly. "Starboard ten degrees; let's give Defiant her shot."
"We're clear to fire." Robertson said. "Target acquired and locked. Torpedo set to low speed, maximum manoeuvrability mode."
"Fire." Dax ordered. A quantum torpedo leapt away from the ship and tracked unerringly down to the surface. It entered the exhaust port and vanished from sight.
"Hard about." She said. "Get us the hell out of here."
["That is impossible! Even for a computer!"
Kennedy not remembers that clearly I imagine. Luke had to use the force to hit the port, his torpedos did a great manouver with 72.000g and the torpedos were relatively small.
Now to Kennedys version:
-Torpedo size: Federation torpedos are far to big to make it into the exhaust port.
-Manoeuverability: Very poor. A Federation Torpedo could never do a turn like Luk's torpedo did.
-Hit it: They had no problem hitting it, and so Kennedy shits on the end of ANH, where Luke's hit was something special. Now some Federation geeks do the same with primitive equipment and without error.
This is extreme pro-Trek-propaganda, nothing more.]
"The Enterprise is taking heavy damage." Anthony reported.
"They shielded us, let's return the favour. Put us between them and the station."
"They're a lot bigger than us." O'Brien pointed out as the ship heeled over.
"Think big thoughts." Dax replied.
"They fired a single torpedo at the Death Star and retreated." Melkar said. Vader turned to his helmsman.
[He changes the scene without warning. Bad style!]
"Is the course to the Portal set?"
"Yes sir."
"Implement it at once."
His fleet turned, accelerated - and vanished.
The Admiral watched the Federation ships falling back, and for a moment he felt a glimmer of hope. The feeling was stillborne when he picked a single contact out of the crowded battle readouts. Something very small and almost impossibly fast, arcing down towards his station.
[Now he really goes over the edge with quantum torpedo speeds.]
Sandell flinched away from the tactical display, horrified. Was this how Tarkin felt, before the end? Or did he even realise that the end was coming?
"Our sensors show a torpedo hitting the surface, but we register no detonation." A technician announced triumphantly. He turned, his face gleeful, hoping to curry some favour with the Admiral. "Probably the weapon was a dud. The enemy ships are damaged and retreating! Victory is ours, Admiral!"
"Idiot!" Sandell spun on the man, his face a mask of rage. "It did not hit the surface, it passed through it!" he watched the incomprehension on the mans face. "They have killed us all, don't you understand? They have killed us all!"
[If he wants to paint the Imperials as stupid Idiots, he did it in that part. Also his writing is so bad that it makes thing even more bad.]
The Death Star's surface cracked in a million places at once - each crack a chasm hundreds of metres across. Plasma spewed out of the fissures. A moment later, the entire hundred and thirty kilometre sphere exploded. Countless trillions of fragments exploded outwards, propelled by a flare of energy that briefly rivalled the distant sun. The awesome beacon held for a long moment... dimmed... and began to die down to a dull red heat. The remnants of the station would continue to consume themselves for days to come, a silent tribute to the both the power and folly of the Imperial builders.
[Lets see:
1.)Again he had the size wrong. The Death Star is at least 160 kilometers is diameter, no less! How he got his 130 figure, I can only guess. Probably pulled out of his ass.
2.)Folly? He calls Imperial builders folly? The only one folly is Kennedy, who tries every trick in the book to shit on Star Wars.
3.)He bathes in the destruction of the Death Star big time. His describes it as detailled as possible just to mock Star Wars fans again. That is really bad style of him.]
They gathered in the observation lounge of the Enterprise - Picard and his officers, Dax, and her senior crew, and O'Brien. Despite the victory and the return of their counsellor and an old friend, the greetings where a muted affair - the big windows gave everybody an excellent view of the cloud of debris that would eventually become the Sol systems second asteroid belt. Dotted among the debris where occasional flares of light as the fleet finished off the remaining Imperial stragglers who refused to surrender, exacting what little vengance they could.
[Even when the Feds mourn, he tries to strike against SW.]
It was Dax who broke the silence. "Do we have any word on the orbital settlements yet?" She asked finally.
"Most of them where evacuated before the battle." Picard replied without looking up. "Just in case. The high orbit stations like Utopia Planitia survived. Most of the low ones..." his voice trailed off.
[What? He clearly hadn't seen ANH! When a planet is blown apart with 5% lightspeed debris flying away, all not far enough away and/or well-shielded, will be killed. Utopia Planitia couldn't have survived the destruction of Mars! It is simply impossible.]
"Even when you look out there, it's hard to believe it." Riker said softly. "We'd done it, we'd beaten them, then - a billion people, gone. Just like that. The Borg invasions, the Cardassian wars, the Klingons, the Dominion - all of it put together doesn't come close to this."
[Now he must point out that they have beaten them to dwell in his victory he thought he got over Star Wars. But since it is only his mind-mastrubating, it doesn't matter. Only the facts count, not his little, bizarre world.]
"What about Vader?" Troi asked.
"Escaped." Picard said simply.
"He'll be back." She shuddered slightly without noticing, and when she continued there was anger in her voice. "It's so stupid! He hates us, hates us for what we are - for what he thinks we lack. This 'force' or theirs. And for that, him and his Emperor are willing to slaughter billions, turn an entire galaxy to destroying us."
[Yadda, yadda, yadda. This becomes tiresome.]
"And they have the numbers to do it." Dax said. "So what happens next?" She shook her head. "Is this the calm before the real storm arrives? Will it be Earth next time?"
[Only the numbers? The Empire is on all acconts suerpior. But of course he is silent about that.]
"No." Picard looked up for the first time, his voice solid again. "Not Earth, not any Federation world. We won't loose another ship to those people if I have anything to do with it."
[Oh, they will loose many ships. Since the Federation is puny compared to a galaxy-wide organisation, the end for the Federation is only a matter of. But not much time....]
"So how do we do that?" Crusher asked. "Is there any way to close the Portal for good?"
"Theoretical studies indicate that there is no known method of closing down this phenomena." Data said. He alone appeared unaffected by the disaster; Dax had heard that he could turn his emotions on and off at will. "Doubtless Starfleet will continue to research the possibilities."
"The Emperor said he was totally committed to destroying us; he claimed a hundred thousand ships where on the way - we could be facing them the next time the portal opens." She said.
"Not so." Picard replied. "Data?"
"I have examined our records of the Portal." Data said. "The phenomena has a definite range over which it operates - approximately one hundred and fifty kilometres. I estimate no more than twenty thousand Imperial vessels could safely be placed within that volume to pass through in any one opening."
[Aha, so that is why the Death Star was smaller than canon. He made the portal too small, and when he saw that instead of enlarging it, he shirked the DS in his Wars hate.]
"And they'd be packed in like sardines, easy targets to a waiting fleet." Picard said. "Eight or nine hundred Starships can handle that kind of threat."
[Boasting. I don't need to tell more...]
"We can't spare that many from the Dominion war." Dax complained.
"We have to."
"Sir," O'Brien spoke up. "When we closed access to the wormhole at Deep Space Nine we used cloaked self-replicating mines."
"The Portal itself cannot be mined." Data said. "The mines would simply be transferred to the Imperial side with each opening."
"But the area around the portal could be." Picard said. He began to really think for the first time in hours. "If we put a shell of a few million mines around the area, then place defence platforms outside that - equip them with navigational deflectors to defend them against plasma lasers. You have the specifications of these devices?"
"All in Defiants' computer." The chief confirmed.
[-Millions of mines? They had problems of mining the wormhole at DS9 with hundereds of mines, and it had cost them many, many days to do so. So he is bullshitting.
-Again the "magical deflectors" he is so fond of. One of his main lies.
-The data is usless, because how do you want to defend yourself against 200GT shots?]
"I'll pass them on to Starfleet. The automated drones worked better than I thought they would. We could deploy a few thousand of those within a few days if we raid the stockpiles in nearby systems."
"With that level of forces in place only twenty or thirty Starships would be needed to provide a flexible backup and co-ordinate the defences." Data said. "Starfleet can easily keep such a force to hand with minimal impact on the current level of operations."
[Boasting....]
"I still don't like it." Dax said. "You don't win a war by having a great defence."
"No." Picard said. "My report to Starfleet is going to recommend action against the Empire."
"Surely we can't hope to mount an invasion?" Troi asked.
"Not as such. But this Rebellion of theirs is suffering badly at the moment, yes?"
"So Leia said." Troi nodded.
"It would need to be covert." Picard mused. "Nothing encourages a population to close ranks, even with an oppressive government, quite like bringing in an outside threat. But we can put surveillance drones in place, gather signal and electronic intelligence and see that it gets to the right hands. Most especially we'll have to ensure that they find out about the location and status of any more Death Stars before they're finished - just one of those could end their chances once and for all. I wouldn't be surprised if the Rebellion undergoes something of a transformation over the next few years."
[The Rebellion won't stand a chance. In the movies, they only had dumb luck, but in reality they will be crushed very soon. Smashed to pieces and then forgotten.
Also, he overestimates to abilities of Federation surveillance.]
"That violates the Prime Directive." Crusher said thoughtfully.
"I know, but they leave us little choice." Picard said sorrowfully. "The Empire has declared war on us, and that's the only viable means of fighting back that I can see." He glanced out at the asteroid field beyond. "I don't think Starfleet will see it any differently."
"And the Emperor will never be able to discover any of it," Dax put in. "His technology isn't up to the job, and his PSI abilities don't work against us."
[He had to say that, right?
He again rubs all SW-fans in his technology- and force-falsehoods, just for the fun of it. He wants to enjoy the victory he thought he archived.
That's disgusting.]
"Yes. I think we've seen the last of the Empire on this side for good; quite possibly the beginning of its downfall." Picard said, still looking at the view beyond the windows. "We may have suffered terribly on this day, but I promise you we'll suffer no more by their hand."
[And that, he had to say too.
Now he simply says that the Federation with thier Über-tech will always win. Just as he thinks in his own, little, bizarre world, where he lives.]
"I'll drink to that." Dax said, reaching under the table and produced a bottle and a tray of glasses and began to hand them around. She glanced at Troi. "This is one conflict I'll be very glad to see in the past."
Troi hesitated for a moment, dropping her eyes to the table before looking up again. "Agreed." She said quietly. "Some things belong in the past."
[Even more stomping on Star Wars.]
"Which reminds me," Picard said to Dax. "Your ship forwarded a message from the Rotarran just before you arrived. It seems they have been assigned to operate with the Defiant when she gets back into the war. Lieutenant Commander Worf wants to try out a new tactic he's thought up. Something about using you as bait."
"Figures." Dax said with a grin as she filled her own glass.
"A toast." Picard said. They raised their glasses. "To the future."
"The future."
[And that was irrelevant.]
[I'm glad that it is over. That was propably the worst vs.-story, I've ever seen. Kennedy is such a Trek-fanatic, that he had no qualms to be one of the most dishonest persons, I've ever seen.]

END

[That was the worst of all. His dishonesty and hated peaks here, and now he is the perfect lair. Thank god that it is over now.]

[Deathstalker]

I salute you in this endeavor, Herr Tribun. Remeber, it only hurts for a little while, and your eyes, like mine will stop bleeding, eventually!

[18-Till-I-Die]

Well again, his belittling additude annoys me, and his lies make the story completely bullshit, but again i must retort that he at least attempted to lie and say he was impartial...Star Destroyers Rampant is easily the worst vs, ever! But Kennedy is a very close second...almost tied, but athe very fact he retained the illusion of obectivity puts him over this Kaz dude.

But yes, i do want to shoot Kennedy. Appearantly, however, i'll have to wait till he comes to Dallas...then he's mine *sets up sniper's nest on grassy knoll*

A few things:

1) thank God he at least depicted the Death star with a viable firepower rating, and the right number of surface guns...he downscaled the size, but at least not the power. I however have never been a fan of the Death Star, i think it was a waste of resource sthe Imperials could've used elsewhere.

2) i almost cried when he started going intothat spiel at the end about the 'millions of mines' preventing the Empire from attacking them. Must he be that idiotic...hundreds of mines barely stopped the Dominion...you do the math.

3) while unrealistic for a Wars vs Trek story, the battle at Mars was somewhat interesting. It could have been a somehwat interesting story element if it hadnt been so outlandishly one sided...it's hard to give a shit when you knwo who will win. I was, however, stunned when he said the Death star destroyed mars, i never thought he'd allow that. I figured he'd create some Deus Ex Trekkia cop out.

4) what the fuck was he getting at at the end? Was he trying to make a pun, was he...what? I odnt get it, could someone explain it to me...or does everyone else get it and i'm retarded? I dont know...this all makes my brain hurt...i'm tired.

5) Shameless Plug for my vs crossover fic: Empires of Light And Shadow; Planetoids, parasites and Galaxy classes, fighting tooth and nail aginst cruisers and maulers and supermaulers. Strategic weapons everywhere, planets exploding, negaspheres...idont have sufficient adjectives to describe it! They will battle in a battle where there can be only ONE! Questions will be asked...and destroyed...by answers! Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! Be there, or die!


Sorry...



Excelent work, Tribun, excelent. Well done. And screw what everyone else says, i liked the green and yellow font.

[Techno_Union]

What I dont understand is how this person think the FEds could beat the Empire. I mean the Empire spans the galaxy, does the Federation, NO; then how could hyperdrive be comparable to warp? THe Empire destroys planets and has millions of capital ships. I just dont get it. Nice work though Tribun.

[Tribun]

And now I must think about how to show him this.....

[Singular Quartet]

Two options: Email him the link, or just email him the entire thing, properly formatted. Or you could ask someone to put up an HTML version somewhere, and then email Kennedy the link to that.

[Tribun]

I need someone native English speaking to clean it up for me, before I could send it to him.
Does somebody here wants to help me?

[Robert Walper]

I need someone native English speaking to clean it up for me, before I could send it to him.
Does somebody here wants to help me?

I'll by all means help, since I was picky enough to mention the problem in the first place. You want help over PM or e-mail?

PS: You can by all means e-mail, should be an option at the bottom of my profile here at SD.net.

[Tribun]

I need someone native English speaking to clean it up for me, before I could send it to him.
Does somebody here wants to help me?

I'll by all means help, since I was picky enough to mention the problem in the first place. You want help over PM or e-mail?

PS: You can by all means e-mail, should be an option at the bottom of my profile here at SD.net.

Too late.

Ghost Rider had alrwady cleaned up 5 Chapters for me, the last one coming soon. I'm thankful for him doing it. After reformatting it, I will send it to Kennedy, and wait for his reactions, if any.

[Crown]

You know what? I have always wanted to re-write this part in particular;

"There's one slight problem with that plan." Troi said.

"Oh?" He said sarcastically. "And what might that be?"

"The man with the phaser standing behind you."

He spun around in surprise. The instant the weapon drifted away from her midsection Troi kicked out with all her might, connecting solidly with his hand. The gun flew across the room, lost in a corner. Troi dived in at him, ramming a fist with all her might as he started to turn. She caught him under the ribcage and he collapsed to the floor with a cry.

Dax scooped up her phaser and held it on him. "Not bad." She said, half-smiling.

Troi winced as she rubbed her aching knuckles. "All the old ones are new here." She said "But it's been a long time since unarmed combat at the academy.

The Emperor sat up and raised his hand. A stream of intense blue lightning flashed out at Dax, hitting her squarely in the mid-section. It passed directly through her and hit the window, scoring a deep burn across the surface. Dax looked down at her untouched stomach in surprise. A long moment passed.

"I take it that was a demonstration of the Force?" She said finally to the Emperor. "If that's what it means to be an abomination, I'll take it." She shifted her aim and adjusted the phaser. A brief burst blew a gaping hole through the far wall; she reset it to stun and aimed it straight at his face. "This, on the other hand, is good old fashioned technology. It tends to be a bit more reliable - as you will discover if you so much as twitch before we leave."

And now for the re-write;

"There's one slight problem with that plan." Troi said.

"Oh?" He said sarcastically. "And what might that be?"

"The man with the phaser standing behind you."

He spun around in surprise. The instant the weapon drifted away from her midsection Troi kicked out with all her might, connecting solidly with his hand. The gun flew across the room, lost in a corner. Troi dived in at him, ramming a fist with all her might as he started to turn. She caught him under the ribcage and he collapsed to the floor with a cry.

Dax scooped up her phaser and held it on him. "Not bad." She said, half-smiling.

Troi winced as she rubbed her aching knuckles. "All the old ones are new here." She said "But it's been a long time since unarmed combat at the academy.

The Emperor sat up and raised his hand. A stream of intense blue lightning flashed out at Dax, hitting her squarely in the mid-section. It passed directly through her and hit the window, scoring a deep burn across the surface. Dax looked down at her untouched stomach in surprise. A long moment passed.

"I take it that was a demonstration of the Force?" She said finally to the Emperor. "If that's what it means to be an abomination, I'll take it." She shifted her aim and adjusted the phaser. A brief burst blew a gaping hole through the far wall; she reset it to stun and aimed it straight at his face. "This, on the other hand, is good old fashioned technology. It tends to be a bit more reliable - as you will discover if you so much as twitch before we leave."

Dax aimed the phaser at the Emperor and prepared to fire, but for a second she couldn't help to stop but gloat one more time. "Do you think that you can explain to us, in five words or less, how your Force is going to save you now?"

In response the Emperor straightened up to his full hight, his yellow reptilian eyes hardening as a smile creased the corners of his lips. Dax was going to ask if councilor Troi had managed to knock the old man into dementia, but she never got the chance. The last thing she heard was a screaching - like nails being drawn against the blackboard - and from above a guirder from the ceiling, solid transparensteele, and weighing a ton crashed down above her.

Troi opened her mouth to scream, but the shock had frozen her throat and only a small wheep of exhalled air escaped.

Walking over, almost like a spectre gliding on air, the Emperor came to a stop just next to the now flattened form of what was once Dax.

"Works. Just. Like. Gravity ... Bitch" He replied.

EDIT :: Well what do y'all think?

[Ghost Rider]

LMAO...even GK in his nutty love couldn't dispute that with his Trekkie field.

[Crown]

LMAO...even GK in his nutty love couldn't dispute that with his Trekkie field.

Thank you monsieur. That was exactly what I was going for.

[Robert Walper]

Keep us posted on your Graham Kennedy submission, Tribun. I'm sure we all want to see the results of that. I suspect he will either ignore and/or not care about your "review" of his fan fic. His choice of course...shame, it would be interesting to see him pop up here and defend his work, since he claims he believes the match would go "way" more in favor of starfleet.

[Tribun]

I have not sent it yet.

I have written to Mike if it could be useful for him Graham Kennedy site.
If Mike's response is negative, I will send it. Otherwise I wait for him to put it online......before showing him it.

[Tribun]

Ok, Mike shows interest, but since then I hear nothing from him.

So, I will ALSO send it to him, and wait for his reactions.......
So wait for the action!

EDIT: I DID sent it. Now let's wait for reactions......
The exact text of my mail:

Dear Mr. Kennedy.

I've taken the liberty of analysing you fanfiction "Portal" that you host on you site. The result is, at least for you, not very good. Yoz can read the original at http://bbs.stardestroyer.net/viewtopic.php?t=41956 . But I've put a cleaned up version into this mail.
To be honest, I was quite disturbed about your points of view and your attitude towands other Sci-Fi than Star Trek.

I hope, you will have to say something to my anaysis.

Sincerly,
Joachim Henkel

[Tribun]

Big Disappointment!
All he had to say was:

Sorry you didn't like it. Better luck with the next story
you read.

[Robert Walper]

Big Disappointment!
All he had to say was:

Sorry you didn't like it. Better luck with the next story
you read.

My prediction was correct.