More girl issues

[neoolong]

Two words. Mirrored sunglasses.

[His Divine Shadow]

Okay, so I've got this female friend who is really fucking hot. She's got a boyfriend. I've recently become attracted to her, and with the onset of warmer weather she's starting to wear less. I don't want to be caught staring at her and have things get awkward and shit, and most of all I don't want to fuck up a good friendship because she (correctly) thinks I have trouble thinking with the wrong head.

Aside from finding someone else to be attracted to (my usual fix), does anyone have any thoughts on how to avoid this?

We almost got the same problem, the girl in question is my friend and her BF is also a friend of mine, though they seem shaky and had been broken up for some time they are now together again, but I dunno if it's very stable, as for what I'll do, I'll merely wait and see, though I realize now I shouldn't blind myself to other options either.

[Ravenwing]

We almost got the same problem, the girl in question is my friend and her BF is also a friend of mine, though they seem shaky and had been broken up for some time they are now together again, but I dunno if it's very stable, as for what I'll do, I'll merely wait and see, though I realize now I shouldn't blind myself to other options either.

hmmmm, is it even possible then for a guy to have girls as friends and not at every opp, check her out? cause this i sort of the image im getting here. iv had the same sort of thing happen and the guy involved (who i used to go to high school with), i just couldnt even touch, all i could think was friend and it overrode anything i might have had a chance of feeling

[His Divine Shadow]

hmmmm, is it even possible then for a guy to have girls as friends and not at every opp, check her out? cause this i sort of the image im getting here. iv had the same sort of thing happen and the guy involved (who i used to go to high school with), i just couldnt even touch, all i could think was friend and it overrode anything i might have had a chance of feeling

Well to be honest, I do check out almost every friend I have that is a girl, it's like walking in a museum of art, you have to admire the scenery.

Also, this might be a quirk of mine, I think it's a pro if the girl one is with is a friend.

[Ravenwing]

Also, this might be a quirk of mine, I think it's a pro if the girl one is with is a friend.

how so?

[His Divine Shadow]

Also, this might be a quirk of mine, I think it's a pro if the girl one is with is a friend.

how so?

Dunno, I just prefer that, I like the fact that I already know her and like her.
Also, why do some girls have this thing where they mentally close down an "avenue", like this friendship thingl you had, just because a girl is a friend of mine doesn't mean it's off limits or anything to me, always keep all options open.

[Knife]

Dunno, I just prefer that, I like the fact that I already know her and like her.
Also, why do some girls have this thing where they mentally close down an "avenue", like this friendship thingl you had, just because a girl is a friend of mine doesn't mean it's off limits or anything to me, always keep all options open.

Agreed, hell I married a good friend of mine. And go-figure, after 9 years, we're still good friends. Me getting some of that, didn't hurt our relationship any, it only improved on it.

However, one must always look at the various consequences of their actions. If you eventually do get some on your friend, what will that do to your relationships with other close friends or to the girl herself.

Honestly, is your interest more lust than anything with the girl and is attempting to ruin an established relationship worth a few quickies in the sack?

I guess it boils down to your and her intentions, starting a sexual or loving relationship off of a friendship can be merely an evolution of the friendship but just jumping in and fucking a friend can ruin any friendship you have.

[Ravenwing]

Also, this might be a quirk of mine, I think it's a pro if the girl one is with is a friend.

how so?

Dunno, I just prefer that, I like the fact that I already know her and like her.
Also, why do some girls have this thing where they mentally close down an "avenue", like this friendship thingl you had, just because a girl is a friend of mine doesn't mean it's off limits or anything to me, always keep all options open.

id say its diff for most girls, your friends are your shield in a way and in many cases i believe that girls like guy friends as a deterrent from other offers when they are just out to sloth around, they are also someone your can get honest opinions and discuss anything and everything without there being a problem. romantic issues complicate the 'friend' thing faster than light speed and the entire relationship which was built on this (at least for the girl) crumbles.

[His Divine Shadow]

I dunno if thats true for everyone, because at this swedish online that has around a million regular members, and I've never seen there be less than 5000 users online, but mostly around 25-35k, there's always several girls each week asking for advice because they've fallen in love with their male friends and are afraid to do anything about it, the topic is big enough to have it's own subforum.

[His Divine Shadow]

Honestly, is your interest more lust than anything with the girl and is attempting to ruin an established relationship worth a few quickies in the sack?

I guess it boils down to your and her intentions, starting a sexual or loving relationship off of a friendship can be merely an evolution of the friendship but just jumping in and fucking a friend can ruin any friendship you have.

At this point I am definitly looking for a relationship, though I'm a total noob, only had one real relationship before, but she was satan in drag so I can't fault myself.

[Ravenwing]

I dunno if thats true for everyone, because at this swedish online that has around a million regular members, and I've never seen there be less than 5000 users online, but mostly around 25-35k, there's always several girls each week asking for advice because they've fallen in love with their male friends and are afraid to do anything about it, the topic is big enough to have it's own subforum.

depends on the girl im sure. the thought of a male friend of mine turning around and suddenl saying he loves me would totally freak me out.

[His Divine Shadow]

depends on the girl im sure. the thought of a male friend of mine turning around and suddenl saying he loves me would totally freak me out.

Mmm, but I doubt that happens alot, or like that.
I mean I think he'd be more like saying he really likes you and could possibly see it going further, or slowly start to be more intimate and playfull with you over a course of weeks or months, so it wouldn't go from 0 to 60 at once.

[RedImperator]

Let me add one thing here: if you've got a thing for a female friend, and it's a long term friendship, it's better if she knows. Again, to use my personal example, the girl I was friends with for nearly a decade before anything happened knew I liked her all the way back in high school, and she knew my feelings never really changed. We openly discussed it several times, and I understood her reasons for not wanting to take it beyond friendship until recently. I think things would have been unbearably tense if I'd had to keep my feelings bottled up for eight years. The way I see it, if you're good friends, her knowing that you like her (and maybe vice versa) is not going to wreck things, whereas keeping sexual tension bottled up for years might just.

Of course, Howedar's situation is a little different from mine in that she already has a boyfriend, so things are a little trickier, but I'd still recommend letting her know. Just be casual about it--a simple statement of fact, followed up by, "I know you have a boyfriend, and I'm cool with that", will go over a lot better than a tearful declaration of your true feelings. Don't get the urge to act like you're in a movie, where the hero reads her poetry from under her window. You're trying to release tension, not create more of it by making her think you're trying to move in on her boyfriend.

[Macross]

Let me add one thing here: if you've got a thing for a female friend, and it's a long term friendship, it's better if she knows. Again, to use my personal example, the girl I was friends with for nearly a decade before anything happened knew I liked her all the way back in high school, and she knew my feelings never really changed. We openly discussed it several times, and I understood her reasons for not wanting to take it beyond friendship until recently. I think things would have been unbearably tense if I'd had to keep my feelings bottled up for eight years. The way I see it, if you're good friends, her knowing that you like her (and maybe vice versa) is not going to wreck things, whereas keeping sexual tension bottled up for years might just.

While I respect RedImperators position, I have to disagree. You may be good friends, but you have no idea of knowing how she will react. She may take it well, but then again, she may not. By telling her your feelings, you are introducing an unknown variable into the relationship. She may start begining to question everything you do. She may think "Why is he doing this, because he is my friend, or because he wants more?" If you think things were tense now, wait till after you tell her and she flat out rejects you. She may even terminate the friendship. Then you would have nothing, no friend, no love interest. Just a broken heart and a lot of bad memories.

You have to ask yourself, what do you value more, her friendship, or her potential as a love interest. If you value her friendship more, then keep your feelings bottled up. They will pass with time, or when another girl comes along.

[Zaia]

Two words. Mirrored sunglasses.

Seconded. After all, in the summertime, it does get quite sunny; you'll need to protect your eyes from harmful UV rays, and the potentially-harmful fists of her disgruntled boyfriend. Why not take care of both at the same time?

[SirNitram]

Maybe I'm lucky; none of the females I'm friends with mind the fact that I check out their boobs regularly. It's harmless, nothing comes of it.. And it lets them know they look good.

[Howedar]

Two words. Mirrored sunglasses.

Seconded. After all, in the summertime, it does get quite sunny; you'll need to protect your eyes from harmful UV rays, and the potentially-harmful fists of her disgruntled boyfriend. Why not take care of both at the same time?

That's a disturbingly good idea, especially since I'm in Arizona.

[RedImperator]

Let me add one thing here: if you've got a thing for a female friend, and it's a long term friendship, it's better if she knows. Again, to use my personal example, the girl I was friends with for nearly a decade before anything happened knew I liked her all the way back in high school, and she knew my feelings never really changed. We openly discussed it several times, and I understood her reasons for not wanting to take it beyond friendship until recently. I think things would have been unbearably tense if I'd had to keep my feelings bottled up for eight years. The way I see it, if you're good friends, her knowing that you like her (and maybe vice versa) is not going to wreck things, whereas keeping sexual tension bottled up for years might just.

While I respect RedImperators position, I have to disagree. You may be good friends, but you have no idea of knowing how she will react. She may take it well, but then again, she may not. By telling her your feelings, you are introducing an unknown variable into the relationship. She may start begining to question everything you do. She may think "Why is he doing this, because he is my friend, or because he wants more?" If you think things were tense now, wait till after you tell her and she flat out rejects you. She may even terminate the friendship. Then you would have nothing, no friend, no love interest. Just a broken heart and a lot of bad memories.

You have to ask yourself, what do you value more, her friendship, or her potential as a love interest. If you value her friendship more, then keep your feelings bottled up. They will pass with time, or when another girl comes along.

First of all, it's probably unlikely he's telling her anything she doesn't know (or at least suspect). Girls usually have good instincts about that stuff. Second, if the friendship is so fragile that that piece of information could ruin the whole thing, how good a friendship was it to begin with (I should add, all this is predicated on not acting like a dilhole afterwards--if you tell her you like her, she gives her reasons why she won't date you, you have to let it drop there, not keep pressing--THAT will wreck any friendship). Third, believe me, keeping everything bottled up can cause problems too: I nearly blew up a good friendship because I acted on things I was keeping buried, and wound up acting like a jealous ass.

Obviously, Howedar is going to have to make the final decision, because there's simply no way anyone else can know all the vital details. But I don't think, based on my own personal experiences and those of people I know, that playing it ultraconservative is going to be satisfying in the long term or even good for the friendship.

[Macross]

First of all, it's probably unlikely he's telling her anything she doesn't know (or at least suspect). Girls usually have good instincts about that stuff. Second, if the friendship is so fragile that that piece of information could ruin the whole thing, how good a friendship was it to begin with (I should add, all this is predicated on not acting like a dilhole afterwards--if you tell her you like her, she gives her reasons why she won't date you, you have to let it drop there, not keep pressing--THAT will wreck any friendship). Third, believe me, keeping everything bottled up can cause problems too: I nearly blew up a good friendship because I acted on things I was keeping buried, and wound up acting like a jealous ass.

Obviously, Howedar is going to have to make the final decision, because there's simply no way anyone else can know all the vital details. But I don't think, based on my own personal experiences and those of people I know, that playing it ultraconservative is going to be satisfying in the long term or even good for the friendship.

These kinds of emotions cloud ones judgement. You may suspect that she knows, but in reality she may not. Their is no way to predict how she will react. Even if you believe all the signs are there, even if you suspect that she may even feel the same way towards you, you simply do not know. You can do everything right, tell her your feelings, respect her feelings, you still run the risk of ruining the friendship. She may not feel the same way as you, and she may not want to hurt you, so she may withdraw. You dont know what shes thinking or feelings. Its a lose-lose situation. In my experiance, its just not worth the risk.

[RedImperator]

First of all, it's probably unlikely he's telling her anything she doesn't know (or at least suspect). Girls usually have good instincts about that stuff. Second, if the friendship is so fragile that that piece of information could ruin the whole thing, how good a friendship was it to begin with (I should add, all this is predicated on not acting like a dilhole afterwards--if you tell her you like her, she gives her reasons why she won't date you, you have to let it drop there, not keep pressing--THAT will wreck any friendship). Third, believe me, keeping everything bottled up can cause problems too: I nearly blew up a good friendship because I acted on things I was keeping buried, and wound up acting like a jealous ass.

Obviously, Howedar is going to have to make the final decision, because there's simply no way anyone else can know all the vital details. But I don't think, based on my own personal experiences and those of people I know, that playing it ultraconservative is going to be satisfying in the long term or even good for the friendship.

These kinds of emotions cloud ones judgement. You may suspect that she knows, but in reality she may not. Their is no way to predict how she will react. Even if you believe all the signs are there, even if you suspect that she may even feel the same way towards you, you simply do not know. You can do everything right, tell her your feelings, respect her feelings, you still run the risk of ruining the friendship. She may not feel the same way as you, and she may not want to hurt you, so she may withdraw. You dont know what shes thinking or feelings. Its a lose-lose situation. In my experiance, its just not worth the risk.

It's NOT a lose-lose situation! If she feels the same about you, you win! You both win! Christ, I've got a friend who's getting married next year who wouldn't be if she'd played it your way.

Look, it's one thing to say, "I really value this friendship more than I desire a romantic relationship, and there are other girls out there," or, "I like her, but I really don't think she likes me and I don't think it will serve any purpose to bring it up," but your advice seems to be, "No matter how much you want it or how much you think she wants it, it's better to go to your grave wondering if it ever would have worked than to take a calcualted risk." Missed opportunities hurt a hell of a lot worse than fuckups most of the time, even if the pain is delayed.

[Miles Teg]

It's NOT a lose-lose situation! If she feels the same about you, you win! You both win! Christ, I've got a friend who's getting married next year who wouldn't be if she'd played it your way.

Look, it's one thing to say, "I really value this friendship more than I desire a romantic relationship, and there are other girls out there," or, "I like her, but I really don't think she likes me and I don't think it will serve any purpose to bring it up," but your advice seems to be, "No matter how much you want it or how much you think she wants it, it's better to go to your grave wondering if it ever would have worked than to take a calcualted risk." Missed opportunities hurt a hell of a lot worse than fuckups most of the time, even if the pain is delayed.

RedImperator is very right. My current (very happy) relationship almost didn't happen because we were both afraid the other was not interested. In reality, we were both interested, but both too afraid to bring up the subject, because we were building a very happy friendship too and did not want to ruin that. For a while it was quite funny actually. Even after it became clear to both of us, we kept saying to outselves: "No, I'm just misinterpreting her/him". Eventually we both made our feelings known, and things worked out...

To sum things up: If you think your feelings are mutual (in any situation), don't be afraid to let them be known. Just make sure that when you do make them known, you do the following:

- Do it politely, and in private to save possible problems.
- Do it verbally! (unless you are *really* sure). There's nothing more uncomfortable to either sex than an unwelcome physical advance.
- If you were wrong, don't push it, just accept and move on!
- Probably more things (I'm certainly not an expert!).

Honesty is the best policy here. If you really do have feelings for him/her, then no matter how hard you try not to show your feelings, _someone_ will eventually notice (most likely a third party). It's better to get things out in the open than to keep things bundled up. If the other person is remotely reasonable (and you are, see the above!), they will be able to deal with the situation.

MilesTeg

[Macross]

First of all, it's probably unlikely he's telling her anything she doesn't know (or at least suspect). Girls usually have good instincts about that stuff. Second, if the friendship is so fragile that that piece of information could ruin the whole thing, how good a friendship was it to begin with (I should add, all this is predicated on not acting like a dilhole afterwards--if you tell her you like her, she gives her reasons why she won't date you, you have to let it drop there, not keep pressing--THAT will wreck any friendship). Third, believe me, keeping everything bottled up can cause problems too: I nearly blew up a good friendship because I acted on things I was keeping buried, and wound up acting like a jealous ass.

Obviously, Howedar is going to have to make the final decision, because there's simply no way anyone else can know all the vital details. But I don't think, based on my own personal experiences and those of people I know, that playing it ultraconservative is going to be satisfying in the long term or even good for the friendship.

These kinds of emotions cloud ones judgement. You may suspect that she knows, but in reality she may not. Their is no way to predict how she will react. Even if you believe all the signs are there, even if you suspect that she may even feel the same way towards you, you simply do not know. You can do everything right, tell her your feelings, respect her feelings, you still run the risk of ruining the friendship. She may not feel the same way as you, and she may not want to hurt you, so she may withdraw. You dont know what shes thinking or feelings. Its a lose-lose situation. In my experiance, its just not worth the risk.

It's NOT a lose-lose situation! If she feels the same about you, you win! You both win! Christ, I've got a friend who's getting married next year who wouldn't be if she'd played it your way.

Look, it's one thing to say, "I really value this friendship more than I desire a romantic relationship, and there are other girls out there," or, "I like her, but I really don't think she likes me and I don't think it will serve any purpose to bring it up," but your advice seems to be, "No matter how much you want it or how much you think she wants it, it's better to go to your grave wondering if it ever would have worked than to take a calcualted risk." Missed opportunities hurt a hell of a lot worse than fuckups most of the time, even if the pain is delayed.

I know all too well about missed opportunities. But it is a bit naive to think that all situations like this will have a happy ending. In my experiance, its far more likely that Howedar will end up getting hurt. I do not wish for him or anyone else to go through the heartache and pain that I went through. I thought everything was in my favor. I thought my friend felt the same way about me as I did her. I spent many sleepless night tossing and turning, deciding what to do. I talked with friends, I talked with our mutual friends, consulted advice colums, etc. I thought that even if she said no, we would still be friends. Even with all the good advice I recieved, I never expected that things would end the way they did.

[RedImperator]

Sometimes shit just doesn't work out. You have to accept that and move on. At no point did I ever say it would all work out happily. What I have been saying is that you have to take chances sometimes, and if it all spirals down the shitter, well, that sucks but that's life, too. Life gets awfully dull and grey if you make avoiding risk your guiding philosophy.

[Macross]

Sometimes shit just doesn't work out. You have to accept that and move on. At no point did I ever say it would all work out happily. What I have been saying is that you have to take chances sometimes, and if it all spirals down the shitter, well, that sucks but that's life, too. Life gets awfully dull and grey if you make avoiding risk your guiding philosophy.

It is a gamble, and you have to be prepared for the worst. Even if you have everything stacked in your favor, you have to be prepared to lose it all. If your not prepared to lose it all, I dont think its worth the risk. I guess thats what I have been trying to say.

[muse]

Perhaps it's time for a female perspective? First off, we are psychic, we can smell these things, we know that you're thinking dirty thoughts about us in your sleep, and we can tell if something's not quite right. Lemme put it this way, your body language, your eyes, and the way your voice subtley changes tones as well as your choice of words tells me more than you think about how you really feel about me.

Next we move on to denial and mis-communication which is where IMO all the shit goes wrong. Denial as you know, is not just a river in Egypt, bluntly put it means you're lying your butt off about your true feelings. Now ask yourself this, when you keep lying to a friend, what happens? Think about that. Now apply this to the situation at hand, what are you doing when you repress your feelings and put deny that you like the girl? Hopefully I don't have to answer that for you.

And finally we come to mis-communication, where the rest of the shit goes wrong. Don't doubletalk, don't dance around the issue, don't muddy the picture with half-truths & omissions. Just come out and say what's on your mind in an honest tactful manner. Sit down and try to work through things calmly, I know it's not easy but few things that are worth doing are.