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a large can of SPAM! Yes, SPAM, th gretest and bestest meat substitute there ever was! Ah, but what to DO with the SPAM? Well, Zippy...

could only imagine the horrors Maynard would inflict upon his poor bolted-on buttocks with that there can of wholesome, delicious (not to mention nutritious) SPAM -- but he never found out what Maynard had in store, becuase just in the nick of Time, Zippy was recalled by Ford because of numerous safety and reliability issues. This torqued Maynard off to no end. SOMEBODY was gonna eat that SPAM! And not through the right hole, neither! Just then, Maynard spotted a target ripe for the "picking". Because who should come stumbling by but...

the CEO of Ford! Mwuahahahahahah!!! Look slike Myanard finally found someone to eat the SPAM! Aha! The one who recalled Zippy was gonna pay....He was gonna eat that SPAM until he...

vomited up the de-processed meat by-products that the SPAM had been made from! And holy shit, there he goes! A whole, live pig was ejected from the Chairman's left nostril in a spray of blood, mucus and toothpaste (how'd that get up there?) Ahhh, yes; victory was indeed...

sweet...and SPAMmy....Now, as for the live pig, he had locked onto Zippy's location, and was about to transport to Ford headquarters to release him when Maynord suddenly decided to magically produce another can of SPAM. That pig was gonna eat SPAM, too if Maynord had his way, but little did he know that the pig was really soem undercover super-pig! The pig...

soon transformed into his superform and began to attack, destorying zippy's equipment and chasing maynord, the spam was destroyed and his whole operation is in ruins but all was not lost for them for........

at just that moment, the REST of Tool showed up, along with Hunter S. Thompson and his angry, drunken Samoan attorney, and several dozen Naughty Catholic Schoolgirls! The NCS's...

turned out to be escapees from a very poor hentai game.Though momentarily disarmed by the NCS force's comely (if jail-baiting) appearence, SuperPig scoffed at their inability to stop him. Little did he know that Sexy Death Hentai 4 was in fact a Science Fiction game, and the NGS were all in fact heavily disguised battledroids with AK-74s buried in their arms.
Soon SuperPig was being repeatedly shot in the face, in between being beaten and kicked by Mr. Thompson and the others. His death was averted, however, when...

when a invisible wall appeared and blocked all the fire of the battledroids but newer models with swords, axes, and clubs and other medivel weapons followed and attempted to slash and smash him but then.......

his penis fell off and rolled out his pant's leg!

Suddenly there was still and quiet on the battlefield. Until the NCS battledroids starting giggling violently, their robo-breasts moving in an oh-so-seductive way beneath their cheery artificial faces. This made SuperPig extremely angry, because he really enjoyed experiencing a good erection, which was now impossible. So, in a total snit, he...

called John Wayne Bobbit's support group of people who had their johnsons removed. Bobbit picked up the phone and said...

(Too late! Damn. Anyway)
"Why don't you write to a popular magazine? Reader's Digest offer $1500 for the Letter of the Month. You could buy a replacement pecker with that, easy." Bobbit sounded eerily sure on this.
So SuperPig wrote a really stiff letter to Reader's Digest. When the November/December issue popped through his mailbox, he was heartened by the billing his plight had got - "My Hidden Misery: A Gene Engineered Super Pig Tells of Life without a Penis." His warmth faded into icy rage, however, when he read the editor's reply:
"SuperPig, I couldn't care any less than I already do about your pissant troubles. Go and bother somebody who gives a good goddamn, or better yet, just take a running fuck at a rolling doughnut - no, wait you can't, can you? ROTFFLMFAO, dickless! Love, Editor. PS. Go and grab your severed cock and ram it right up your..."
SuperPig could read no more. Violent revenge was the only answer.
Little did he know that Reader's Digests' editor was actually...

Jerry Falwell. When SuperPig found out about this tiny little detail he went through the roof! But a sinister smile came across his face and he realized that he would avenge the honour of his pecker. He grabed a black robe and the good book and decided to infiltrate Falwell's University/Publishing empire as a padre. He walked out the door and caught the bus that took him to Trinity College. What happened then was...

tragic history. SuperPig became entirely too good, too involved in his cover. He ended up as a regional kingpin in Falwell's outfit - forgetting completely his life's mission. He also ended up addicted to Ring Pops and the National Geographic wildlife channel, but that's another story.
Meanwhile, out in deep space Sector 51, fearful happenings were happening. A race of peaceful, pacifistic aliens with no weapons of any kind were being menaced by...

Ozzy Osbourne who was insistant that they watch his show or suffer the dire consequences. In ten minutes, the peaceful people had to come up with a decision. Ultimately, they decided to...

Watch the show, The final offer of free beer tempted them over, however little did they know that every single beer contained...

a single hit of viagra. However, on this race of people, viagra had a different effect. It caused the populace to..

Next of Kin wrote:a single hit of viagra. However, on this race of people, viagra had a different effect. It caused the populace to..

violently explode in a manner not unlike that of a paintball, changing their physical make-up into a blue goo-like substance. Once the mess settled it would start to...

congeal into a gelatinous ooze. A lightining bolt struck the ooze and a new collective conscience was born. It began to think..."We are the ooze, resistance is futile." The ooze turned its attention to Ozzy Ozbourne and disintigrated him and his family on the spot. How, may you ask, did the ooze accomplish such a feat? First the ooze...

cranked up the volume on its Ooze-O-Phone, then it popped in a Lenny Kravitz album, which instantly melted Osbourne's brain (both neurons!) Then...

the final blow came when the ooze played the musical stylings sk8er wannabe, Avril Lavigne doing a duet with Leonard Nimoy; they sang...

"Cloning Technology" by Fear Factory. The remnants of Osbourne's brain tissue combusted factionally before the rest of his body was burnt away by the sheer improbabilty of that singer/song combination.
The Forces of Good had triumphed this day.
But then...

along came Suzanna Somers, a.k.a. The Thigh Master! Nooooooo!!! Nimoy secretly wondered how she came to earn that ominous moniker. The answer was simple; she had...

defeated the previous dark lord of the thigh master, Richard Simmons in a duel of sweating to the oldies. Simmons was defeated and banished to the bottom-most pit of Tartarus for all of eternity. Somers next move was to obliterate Nimoy but he had one last trump card to play--he...

brought out his secret weapon, the Quizzical Eyebrow of Doom. He initiated the fateful Eyebrow Tweak and uttered The Word: "Fascinating."

Sommers' head exploded, showering the horrified onlookers in half-molten peanut-shaped StyroFoam bits. Nimoy merely crossed his arms and said with smug self-assuredness...