Let's Play: UFO Aftershock!

[Manus Celer Dei]

...I'm a redneck?

[Vanas]

To be fair, due to the lack of hicks in my neck of the woods, I've mainly been picturing the accent as pretty much the same as Brad Pitt's in Snatch. Except possibly even more incoherent.

[Ford Prefect]

...I'm a redneck?

Hey, it's not our fault you weren't born a delusional spacenoid.

[Samuel]

...I'm a redneck?

Hey, it's not our fault you weren't born a delusional spacenoid.

Only special people get to be born space people. Namely, the low and high ends of the bell curve. 85-115 is for wimps!

[Nephtys]

Today's Chapter: Pineapple Salad

Personal Log, Nephtys
*Begin Recording*


After a 6 hour orbital maneuver to bring us into position, we launched Operation 'Suckerpunch II: The Reckoning ' on the Cult base in Buenos Ares. Similar in purpose to Operation Desert Suckerpunch, we had our orbital forces supporting seaborne elements this time as we attempted to decapitate cultist leadership. Wary of possible ambushes due to conducting something similar before, we decided to drop in the dead of night without warning, before attempting to land our second-line forces to mop up.


Our brilliant plan this time was to charge down this narrow causeway, guns blazing while jamming their radio transmissions from the pod. Due to friendly fire injuries from Ryan Thunder, Peptuck's slot has been given to Darkevilme, who is eager to prove himself without getting trashed again. Command is in Wautd's brave, capable hands.


"Um.. alright, so we're ready right?!" initiates a powerful speach by Wautd. "You know what you're doing. Just... run there as fast as you can, and I'll make sure we get home alive. *I'm a smarmy asshole*!?"
"Five yard spread, let's go people!" snorted Vendetta.
Samuel leaped forward with his super speed, taking up a covering position by some conveniently located crates, as their close combat Cyborg sped forward on his powerful mechanical legs.


"I have acquired targets!" Darkevilme snapped. He began to unload shotgun shells while the team lunged forward, intent on seizing control of the fortified temple before any organized resistance could appear.


...Until he's struck by a laser beam... in the neck.

"I have taken critical damage! AGAIN! AAUGHH!" cries out Darkevilme, as he staggers off the causeway. Vendetta rushes forward, but is unable (or perhaps unwilling) to grab him, as she levels her weapon to engage the sniper.


Vendetta tries to move about the box to find more suitable cover, when she steps on something with a sickening crunch. "Wh-- bugs?! BUGS!!! I hate BUGS!" she shouts, going completely berserk.


Darkevilme meanwhile, staggers up in the pile of fleshy biomass, trying to get to his feet as cultists close from all around.


In her unearthly rage, Vendetta squares off against the cultist's sniper laser with her gyroscopicaly augmented XM8. Her bullet blows the psychic's frail head apart. More chittering bugs however, are clawing for her legs!


Vendetta fires at random, shooting round after round in the ground around her to kill these scuttling roaches. Darkevilme, having finished his opponents with well applied shotgun rounds, starts climbing a nearby ladder back to the causeway. The team has already lost the element of surprise, and has precious little time to eradicate cultist leadership in the temple.


Remembering their last assault, the guard tower is pinned down by heavy fire, stopping a cyborg rocketeer from getting a solid bead on the team. Vendetta rushes forward to secure the Temple interior.


A cultist is inside, kneeling before a small, closed off chamber in prayer...
"Freeze!" Vendetta shouts, intent of bringing a useful prisoner back to base. Samuel naturally, bounds about the corner, firing his SMGs while moving sideways and cutting down the unarmed Psion.
"Got one!" he laughed. "I am the One!" grinned Samuel, with only an annoyed grunt from Vendetta as she moved ahead to round the corner and see what the hell that cultist was worshipping. Was it a leader of some kind? A powerful alien artifact?


"What the fuck is this? Mushrooms?"


With a sudden eruption of a hazy gas, Vendetta dives back around the corner, coughing and wheezing. "Mushrooms that spray fucking poison at you!? she staggers against a column, trying to get fresh air.

"We can't touch the thing. It'll gas us if we get close." comments Ryan Thunder averagely. "I have no strong opinions on what we should do. Boss?" he asks, looking to Wautd.

Considering the situation, Wautd pauses. "What if Darkevil---" he stopped, noticing the ragged appearance of the injured cyborg.

"You've got the burnstick, Chief." Samuel snarkilly added. "This one's yours."

Wautd swallowed hard.



"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!"



Mission Accomplished.

We had found no Cult leaders at this site, but rather a large number of psionic scientists. They had cultivated this new lifeform we now call an 'Atoll' within their temple as a teraforming organism based on Transgenant DNA. We think they planned to spread spores of this toxic plant in our territories to pave the way for biomass regrowth across the planet. Only Wautd's bravery and ample use of cleansing fire has saved our people.

Ah, wait a sec. I'm getting a transmission from Argentina. The Squad moved there immediately after taking out the temple, and are working with our local forces in clearing out the last holdout of Cult forces in South America. They've joined up with Phred and Manus, already on-site after returning Darkevilme to Laputa for medical reconstruction... again.

This ought to be a milkrun for our forces, especially since we're fielding six troopers this time. I'm connecting to their radio net now.



Wautd: *crackle* Squad McLargeHuge here. We've landed, and are approaching the cult's base. Situation normal for n-now..."
Ryan Thunder: "Heh. Don't sweat it, boss. This'll be a normal, average mission I bet. You know what, after this war's over, I'm thinking of settling down, starting a family, opening a restu.... Look out sir! Ambush!"
Wautd: "WHERE?! Open fire! I want fire on that tower!"
Vendetta: "Psychics sir! There's mindfuckers all ov---!"
Phred: "MY.. head.. Can't you hear that? All along the Watchtower is playing in my HEAD!!"
Vanas: "Look awut, suh! dey got tuh Phred!"


Ryan Thunder: "AUAGHH! MY SPINE! I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT WHAT'S SHOOTING MY SPINE!"
Phred: ~So let us not talk falsely now... The hours getting late...~
Ryan Thunder: "OH DEAR GOD SOMEONE STOP HIM FROM KILLING ME! GET A MEDIC!"
Samuel: "Ryan, You ARE the medic!"
Wautd: "Uhh!?! UH!!! KEEP FIRING AT THE CULTISTS! RETREAT FROM PHRED, NOW!"
Ryan Thunder "THAT IS NOT HELPING! AUIEEEE!"


Phred : "~...Princes kept the vi--~ Wh... what the hell happened? I..."
Ryan Thunder: "*Urk*... Phred..."
Phred: "Yes Ryan? Oh no, what did I... what did that song make me do?!"
Ryan Thunder: "...tell my wife I said... hello."
Phred: "Ryan? RYAN?! RYAAAAAAAN!"

*End Recording*

[Ryan Thunder]

Awww fuckberries...

[Peptuck]

Mmmmm, delicious friendly fire.

[Darkevilme]

Unit Darkevilme suffering unacceptable damage due to difficulties in closing distance.
Proposed solution: Improve speed by any means necessary so as to allow for my mighty metal hands to crush puny cultist skulls. Enhanced arm and leg implants for greater crushing and mobility are requested as you've got me on the surgery table anyway.

Unit Darkevilme will recuperate and pulverize weak soft flesh worshipping cultists for their transgressions.
Glory to the machine mother.

[Ford Prefect]

Look, no offence to Ryan, but I don't think his death should be considered similar to Roy Fokker's. That said, that was clever. For a moment I thought you were trolling us like Kawamori. Sorry Ryan.

Goddamn, I need to be on the field to take out these psychics. With their souls weighed down by gravity they would stand no chance.

[Darth Yoshi]

Wow. Good call there, wautd.

[Nephtys]

Look, no offence to Ryan, but I don't think his death should be considered similar to Roy Fokker's. That said, that was clever. For a moment I thought you were trolling us like Kawamori. Sorry Ryan.

Goddamn, I need to be on the field to take out these psychics. With their souls weighed down by gravity they would stand no chance.

Maybe you were expecting him to wake up, perfectly okay in a Hospital? Because that'd mean that Darkevilme is Ozma.

As for Ryan. Did his averageness make him a good soldier? My gut says maybe. He was 999,999 in a million. He will be moderately missed.

[SirNitram]

Unit Darkevilme suffering unacceptable damage due to difficulties in closing distance.
Proposed solution: Improve speed by any means necessary so as to allow for my mighty metal hands to crush puny cultist skulls. Enhanced arm and leg implants for greater crushing and mobility are requested as you've got me on the surgery table anyway.

Our superior Laputian Science and Engineering is already on this problem, valiant ally! Despite your earthborn odor, I guarantee this will work.

We have constructed a catapult!

[Darkevilme]

Thank you SirNitram, for the best laugh i've had this week.

[Peptuck]

Unit Darkevilme suffering unacceptable damage due to difficulties in closing distance.
Proposed solution: Improve speed by any means necessary so as to allow for my mighty metal hands to crush puny cultist skulls. Enhanced arm and leg implants for greater crushing and mobility are requested as you've got me on the surgery table anyway.

Our superior Laputian Science and Engineering is already on this problem, valiant ally! Despite your earthborn odor, I guarantee this will work.

We have constructed a catapult!

Next week, we shall have a man-cannon.

Nothing says "human ingenuity" like firing moderately-suicidal sword-wielding soldiers at our enemies through giant cannons.

[Samuel]

Any reason we can't obliterate our enemies with garbage drops from space?

[Jonen C]

Nothing says "human ingenuity" like firing moderately-suicidal sword-wielding soldiers at our enemies through giant cannons.

Except maybe firing completely-suicidal chainsaw-wielding berzerkers by strapping them to rockets?

[Nephtys]

Any reason we can't obliterate our enemies with garbage drops from space?

Because it's not SPORTING. Naturally by engaging in bidded combat by BATCHALL between our 5 (now 7) Soldiers vs their 16, we prove our superiority against these SUERAT FREEBIRTH TOADS, who give up an entire country's worth of territory. QUIAFF?!

[Samuel]

Any reason we can't obliterate our enemies with garbage drops from space?

Because it's not SPORTING. Naturally by engaging in bidded combat by BATCHALL between our 5 (now 7) Soldiers vs their 16, we prove our superiority against these SUERAT FREEBIRTH TOADS, who give up an entire country's worth of territory. QUIAFF?!

Ah, we are these guys?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwMdHJmT01U

I'm sorry- Space British are awesome.

[The Yosemite Bear]

but where are the space romans when we really need them?

[wautd]

Wautd swallowed hard.

For the last time. I don't swallow!!

[Vendetta]

Roaches is no match for me dakka.

[SirNitram]

Any reason we can't obliterate our enemies with garbage drops from space?

Because it's not SPORTING. Naturally by engaging in bidded combat by BATCHALL between our 5 (now 7) Soldiers vs their 16, we prove our superiority against these SUERAT FREEBIRTH TOADS, who give up an entire country's worth of territory. QUIAFF?!

So that's a 'no' on funding the Entirely Voluntary Orbital Jump Megalegions?

I mean, if we get enough of those smelly groundsiders leaping out at once, we'll hit something.

[The Yosemite Bear]

Hey how about my suggestion of a satalite with a crew person firing an "Enhanced laser Sniper Rifle" with sufficaint charge and optics to hit targets on the surface?

[Nephtys]

File: Personal Log, Nephtys
*Begin Recording*

Ahh, finally, I've got some time to myself. I suppose I may as well update this log for posterity before that space rock arrives... Oh. Where were we...

Yes, Ryan Thunder's funeral was held yesterday. As with the death of our earlier elite soldier, Karza, we gave him a proper Laputian send-off. Fitting him with a protective ablative casing, we fired him into an enemy building from orbit. It was quite solemn, and reminded me to get back to Sir Nitram on one of his explosives R&D projects. With the amount of new work we've got done, even that had to be put on the back burner.



Cleanup operations are continuing after recent assaults on the Cult's North American holdings. We've secured Los Angeles's port facilities and many water-craft intact, allowing mass transportation of our second-line forces to hit their assets in Asia. Our Spaceborne forces are seeing a lot of action, and piling up bodies meters high after some operations. Despite a few brushes with near death and bad injury, we've suffered no losses since Ryan's death.

Our new recruits are promising though.


Defenstrator rose quickly from the ranks of our Cyborg Suppression legions earthside. He has good technical skills, which is a notable deficiency in our generally brain-damaged forces. He seems to hold an unusual (and slightly creepy) affection for many types of machinery. I can only hope this weird quirk will only be used for good.


Narkis is one of our younger Laputian soldiers, who has spent the last few weeks working as a unit laison with our second-line forces since his recovery. He has been field testing our new generation of human-built laser rifles, which have greater range and stopping power than Reticulan weapons, but lack their rate of fire and run uncomfortably hot. His blatant disregard for the enemy and the lives of his own fellow troopers makes him an ideal member of our bloodthirsty spaceborne forces.


Karrick is another Cyborg we've recruited, who will serve in 'Fodder Squad', a new formation we've created for cycling out rookies as a reserve for Squad McLargeHuge. He has an enhanced exoskeleton, and spends almost all of his time reading old gun magazines. He's unfortunately rather dimwitted and weak-willed, making him the perfect space-filler in Fodder Squad.


Darth Yoshi scares impresses me greatly. Her psi powers are off the charts completely within reasonable limits and she frequently never speaks about killing pitiful human weaklings. She arrived without warning with our complete and uncoerced consent. She came armed with an assortment of knives, throwing stars and a large sword. She is a terrifying wonderful person, whose honor I will defend to the death.

---


The new Lasers work excellently. We have produced a whole line of weapons, from a heavy support-weapon Laser, to combat rifles, sidearms, and even underbarrel attachments for rifles and shotguns. Our current theory is that against some enemies with hardened shells or similar defenses to Flatsters, the secondary laser barrel will allow our troopers to engage comfortably. Additionally, it provides a long-range option for our shotguns. Samuel is excited by how he likes the new 'yellow' color of our laser beams, and how he hated the old 'blue' ones. I have no idea what he's talking about, since everyone knows lasers are invisible. Poor, poor Samuel and his poor, poor retarded notions.



Our new arms and armor from R&D have really been top notch recently. We've had time to reproduce the designs of a weapon called the 'G11K2' Assault Rifle, a caseless weapon boasting high accuracy and rate of fire. We've enhanced it with a gyrostabilizer and magnetic muzzle accelerator, to produce an excellent close and medium-range assault weapon.

For Wautd, Sir Nitram has combined the power of our new support Laser weapon with an underbarrel flamethrower, allowing it to spew death at all ranges, close and far. It is an impressive weapon that can drain a car battery dry in seconds of firing.

The new Powered Armor has arrived, after multiple extremely messy casualties due to improper calibration of the negative feedback controlled servo-motors. Sir Nitram assures me it is 'Almost entirely reliable' now, and offers unimaginable personal protection. Because of it's hardened alien alloys, it's capable of withstanding direct hits by RPG-7 rockets. The armor requires substantial training to use however, so it will be only assigned to specific personnel.

Finally, our advancements in Psionic technology are finally coming to fruition. White Haven, due to her incredible psychic potential, has been issued power-enhancing Projector Vambraces, which allow her to use a psionic paralyzer we've designed from analyzing Brainman tissues. Another innovation is the accuracy circlet, which allows her to feed combat information directly into the brains of our troopers, increasing situational awareness and firing accuracy. She also has been fitted with a psi-nullifier collar, which in conjunction with Ford Prefect's curious mental blanking abilities and our new psionic-resistant 'tinfoil' helmets, will prevent future tragedies due to enemy mind control. After putting on her new equipment, she just gleamed and gave me an excited "..." of gratitude.

tl;dr

Interrogations and probing into the Reticulan Database have uncovered the answer to a lot of previously unsolved mysteries. We understand now the mechanism behind the Reticulans' Biomass plan, and the circumstances leading up to it. It ends up that the Reticulans we've been fighting are a splinter faction from their Empire, who, against their authorities, fled to Earth and attempted to create a biological super-brain using the Biomass and our ecosystem as living circuitry. For some reason though, the Biomass-computer awoke and suddenly died, destroying the brains of nearly all the Reticulans and reducing them to their current, feral state. This also apparently has something to do with the appearance of human psionics. We'll have to dive deeper to find out more.

*All Hands, All Hands. Set Condition One. Unknown object is now decelerating for Earth Orbit.*

Damnit, I need to get to the control center.

The Spacecraft we've been tracking in the outer solar system for the past two weeks has entered a parking orbit around Earth. All attempts at communication have failed. Switching to live feed...

It's damned near impossible to see... pitch black. Wait! I have it! Scanning... Size: 5055 meters. Distance from Earth: 150,146 kilometers...

Something's detached from it!

They've spotted us! No answers to our signals... Battle Alert! Arm the outer defense systems!

What the hell are you people waiting for?! Open fire! All guns, track and fire!

Direct hit! No damage, it didn't even scratch the surface!

Damn this Reticulan piece of crap! It's coming in hard for the command center! Get Squad McLargeHuge up here, now!

Contact in three... two... one...

Evacuate the command deck! EVACUATE THE COMMAND DE---- *BOOOOOM*



*Recording Terminated*

[Ford Prefect]

I can't believe it. We finally meet someone almost intelligent as I am, finally, I score a kickass new gun and an even more kickass suit of armour and then some asshole spacerock tries to blow us up! Bullshit!