Ok, here's what happened this evening:
On my drive to rehearsal, I recited the lines I had decided I was going to use to just blurt out to him that I liked him. Over and over, for most of the 40-minute drive. I was wearing my favourite sweater (a soft, black one with a slit at the neck that shows off a bit of cleavage--looks good on me, so I felt good), my hair looked good, and I smelled nice, so I was doing fine. I got to the practice room, and was soon joined by Brian and a couple students. We set up the room (chairs & stands, etc.) and then hung out, waiting for rehearsal to begin.
While I was waiting, I sat down at the piano and began to play. Brian was pulling large amounts of paper out of stuffed manila envelopes, and there was so much paper inside that it was hard for him to get the paper out. He struggled with some of them, and mumbled something about how a friend of his could be helping, but no... It took a second for me to realize he was talking about me, so I said, "Oh yeah? What was this friend doing?" and he smiled mischeviously and said, "Oh, I don't know...talking endlessly about some kind of crap." So, that was fine, joking around, whatever....then he gets to another envelope that's jam-packed with paper, and I asked him, "Would you like some help with that?" He answered with, "That'd be great, buddy."
Ok, call me crazy, but "buddy" is something guys call other guys, and (more importantly) it is NOT the sort of thing you would call someone you were interested in romantically. So......all the ego-boosting I did for myself in the car went straight out the window at the use of that word. I told him not to ever call me 'buddy' again, and he asked why. I told him that it was because it brought back nightmares about West Side Story...
Anyway, this is NOT the end of the story.
We rehearsed, the two of us left at about the same time, but there was some weirdness hanging in the air. He was strangely shy all of a sudden, timidly asking if any of my friends that he met last night hated him. I told him, "No, they all thought you were wonderful." He laughed softly and said, "Thanks for the exaggeration," and I said, "I'm not exaggerating; they seriously think you are wonderful." He looked at the ground and said "Well...thank you." We talked a little bit more, and there were a hundred opportunites for me to say something, but I didn't. I still had the impression that he saw me as some non-sexual type thing, and he was yawning because he was tired, and there was just this bit of weirdness there that made me extremely uncomfortable even thinking about talking to him about anything serious then.
So, after a few more minutes of talking, we both left; he to go home, and me to go to Ewo's apartment. I filled her in on the situation with Brian (I hadn't talked to her in a LONG time) and told her that I had built myself up so much today getting ready to talk to him that I needed to let him know how I felt. I thought about calling him, but he really hates talking on the phone. I looked for him on AIM but he wasn't online (since he was yawning, I'm guessing he headed straight for bed). I thought about dropping by his house to say, "By the way, I want to have thousands of your babies" but I thought I might get arrested...
So it came down to email. Here's what I sent:
Brian,
I kind of wanted to talk to you about something after practice tonight, but things felt off and I was picking up this weird vibe, so I decided to just let it go. However, it's been bugging me ever since, so I thought I would write to you to just get it out there.
I like you. A lot. Like, a whole lot. I think that we would be really good together. I don't think that I laugh as hard or as often with anyone else like I do with you, and I can still rely on you to listen to me when I need someone. I think we understand each other amazingly well, especially considering that we've only known each other a couple months. I could go on, but I'll spare you.
I have no idea how you will react to this, but I need for you to know how I feel. I wanted to say it to your face, but apparently I'm a pussy (insert meow here), the timing just wasn't right tonight, and it will be almost a week until I see you again. I didn't want to wait that long to resolve this.
So....that's it.
K
Anyway, I know it's the coward's way out, but the message will get through (he'll probably read it first thing tomorrow morning, before he starts work), and that's the main point, right? Please, please, PLEASE don't critique the letter or anything until I hear back from him, ok? Because if you do, it'll just make me super-critical of something I have no power to change now... Same thing with the way I handled the situation, actually.
So, there it is. I've said my peace. I just hope he doesn't let me down like the rest......
) since you are on your way to the pool now and can't turn back.