Esperanza needs YOU! (Let's play UFO:Extraterrastrials!)

[Nephtys]

This game's got the worst opening cutscene in the history of games, but it's... alright, if you mod the hell out of it to be more like X-COM. There's a lot of mods that really make it playable. But the stock version's utter tripe. Get this: Your soldiers can't even die in the stock version. What the hell kind of X-COM game is that?

[JonB]

But the stock version's utter tripe. Get this: Your soldiers can't even die in the stock version. What the hell kind of X-COM game is that?

What. The. <censored>



Why would you even do that as a design choice? If this is supposed to be a UFO/X-COM game, then fatalities are a requirement! What does happen when a soldier 'dies' in the base version? They get dumped into the hospital for a three-day leave, or do they show up next mission right as rain?

Does this game allow mid-battle saving to save-scum your way to cheese and wine too?

[Coaan]

If he bought it on steam, chances are he got the gold version and it already has one of the best mods available built into it. B'man's mod really does return the xcom into this game.

[White Haven]

W reporting for duty. Y'know that off-kilter 'engineer' with a degree from [REDACTED] who's always testing bizarre gizmos that often explode? Yeah. W. Real name classified and possibly forgotten.

[FaxModem1]

*Stops playing with Cabana Boy*

Fax Modem reporting for duty sir.

[RecklessPrudence]

RecklessPrudence, demolitions expert and perpetual 'new guy', reporting!

[Zixinus]

Spoiler

Guys, I'm having trouble keeping up. I've written all your names down and keeping score of course.

Commander's log, 2108 January 16:

I have just finished my inspection of my troops. My second-in-command was pessimistic, but she doesn't have the faith, the insight I have.


Ran into a spot of trouble with this one for a moment. I thought he was a woman! But he explained that the makeup was just fashion. We had a good laugh about it
Such personality should be the leader of Alpha Squad!


This man wore the tin CAF pin proudly. He selected the heavier shotgun himself. He's in Alpha squad.


Now this guy had spirits! He talked about wanting to be a Glorious Warrior for humanity.
Such bravery needed an especially brave role: so he was selected to be a Raider, a man armed with a pistol in one hand and a stun rod in the other, to get close and personal with alien commanders for their much-needed intel!


This man volountered to be a Heavy Weapons man.
I couldn't give him a heavier weapon than be a Rocketeer for Alpha squad!


Man came with high asperations, already looking to earn his, er... "senior master chief petty sergant corporal of the lead dispensary". While there is no such rank in CAF or any other military in history as far as I know, I admired his ambition and was given a shotgun.


Brave man, a Raider ready to run recklessly against aliens, risking death, all in the hope of helping us defeat the alien menace!


Squad leader of Beta Squad. He didn't need any fancy equipment: "give him a good rifle and I'll drop 'em" he said.


This guy, named Yosomite Bear. He was a big guy.
Decided that he should be the Rocketeer in Beta Squad. He complained about the load but I knew that it was nothing. I could tell.



Then there was this guy. Said that he built the damn tank by himself. Said that I should ignore the smoke and sparks, that this baby can handle the mess. Mostly.
I wanted to give the man first place, so the aliens could crumble under such human ingenuity but there was no more space on the troop carrier.

Overall, I am happy! My second-in-command is discouraged by the poorly-concealed liqueur bottles and the occasional misfires during equipment orientation, but I have faith! I know that we will prevail! I know that death means nothing to these people and they'll all gladly die in the name of humanity!

*end of log*
Log of UFO watchmen, 2108 January 19th


UFO identified, radio contact failed. First UFO confirmed by system.
Personal comment: good to see that this expensive piece of crap is actually good for something after all.


Commander notified, who has immediately launched all interceptor crafts. Very, very loudly. As in, I could hear it from behind several closed doors.
Personal comment: I wish the pilots didn't keep whaling during the launch.


UFO engagement confirmed. Alien origin confirmed. Both Interceptors attacked aggressively and simultaneously.

Attachement of chatter log (Raptor 1 is piloted by Faxmodem, Raptor 2 is piloted by barnest):

Code: Select all

R1: Check out this baby! I just did a Texas flipped eight and the thing barely shook!
R2: Yeah, I noticed. You are aware that the UFO is trying to run away and too busy doing that to be impressed by your stunts?
R1: Dude, I dodged a plasma bolt with it!
R2: No, you didn't, your shield absorbed the blast on the wing, I saw it.
R1: Whatever. Let's bring this thing down!
R2: Dude, did you just shoot down my missile?
R1: What? No! Or at least, I didn't do it intentionally. 
R2: Yeah, but that was my last missile! I'm on to cannons!
R1: Look, you just missed. Let me show you how it's done!
R2: Did you just miss too?
R1: Shut up. 
R2: Am I supposed to aspire to that?
R1: SHUT UP!

Log shows that UFO lost acceleration and landed into the sea. Recovery impossible.
During return to base, both Raptor pilots argued who was credited the kill.
Radar records was not able to record this, as the shots of both Raptors were so mixed that it was impossible to tell which was who's.
Personal note: at least, not that I will look into it.

Eventually, the Commander settled the argument once both pilots arrived by crediting both of them with half a kill.

*end of log*



Security footage, 21080122DF43, audio-only conversation between contractors:

Code: Select all

Contractor 1: Are you sure this thing will actually work?
Contractor 2: How would I know? How many missile silos do you think I've done?
Contractor 1: Just the one?
Contractor 2: Just the one! This one! I work on surface-to-orbit booster rockets, not this shit! 
Contractor 1: So, how did you get the missiles for it? The blueprints I mean.
Contractor 2: I've copied and updated some old Earth missile plans. Not too great, but I didn't have a choice. It should work. If it doesn't blow up.
Contractor 1: You mean the problem with the primers? Do you think that these things are so volatile that they could, you know, blow up before time?
Contractor 2: Think? I know! Remember during that bit with the loading accident, where one of the things activated and wanted to engage because of a bump? We only survived because the thing wasn't fully assembled yet. I would need months of testing to get this thing properly working! But they gave me two days to make all this. TWO DAYS!
Contractor 1: But what if it goes off while inside?
Contractor 2: If? You mean when. But I wouldn't worry. Have you seen the soldiers this place has? One of them was juggling grenades! JUGGLING GRENADES! WITH A LIQUER BOTTLE STILL IN HIS MOUTH! The primers going off before time should be least of this place's worry. 
Contractor 1: They're supposed to be the guys fighting the aliens, you know. You should show some respect.
Contractor 2: THE MAN WAS SINGING! HORRIBLY!
Contractor 1: Look, I'll tell the Commander that this thing is ready and that he should make sure to only allow engineers in. We should leave.
Contractor 2: Do you smell beer?
Unknown: I can't rimember... whow much I've haaaaad,I drank *hic* a twelve pack *hic* with my daaaaaad.....
Contractor 1: Sweet jesus in merry heaven, is that one of the soldiers?
Contractor 2: More importantly, is he... cuddling up against the missile?
Unknown: I'm prooud to be his.... er... hey guys, help me out here?

UFO DETECTED! RAPTOR 1 DISPATCHED!



ATTACK POSITIVE. UFO LOST INTO SEA!

MEMO
FROM: Dr. Jacob Stein
To: Commander
Subject: Complaint
Body: Yes, Commander we too would like to study the alien technology to learn their ultimate weak spot which we will exploit, but for that we would need your pilots to stop shooting the enemy's crafts into the ocean!

Success at unlocking laser technology.

MEMO
From: Dr. Albert Sprangler
To: CAF Commander
Subject: Laboratory incidents
Body: Commander, while I appreciate your men's curiosity and urge to experiment with the new laser equipment from which we plan to create into a series of deadly weapons, I really, really, REALY wish that they would stop using the experimental laser to blow up full beer cans. Question of abuse aside, there is the issue that the laser capable of igniting the alcohol, not to mention that their pranks may dirty an otherwise sterile environment.
Furthermore, the laser is NOT FOR ZAPPING BUGS! THE EXPERIMENTAL LASER IS NOT A COOKING TOOL! PLEASE order your men to stop bringing in Giant Esperza Pseudo-Crabs and blowing them up with the laser! The mess is terrible and they never clean up!

Monthly report:

Commander's notes:
Cheepskates! How can I fight the alien menace if I can't find them? How can I find them if I don't have enough money to buy more radar stations?!


Commander's log, 2108 February 6th:
Second base has just completed its power plant. This base will, for the time period, act as a listening post but it will also act as our rear guard with a new Raptor.
*end of log*

Log of UFO watchmen, 2108 February 8th


UFO-04 sighted! UFO fails to respond to radio.
Commander has been notified.
Raptors have been launched.

UFO is fleeing rapidly. They are giving chase and it is spanning almost half the globe.

UFO finally almost in weapons range.



LOG of RADIO CHATTER between Raptor 1&2 and CAF Ilyria

Code: Select all

Commander: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TWO DOING?! FIRE!!!!!
Raptor 1: Sorry Commander, but we are out of fuel. If we persue further, we won't have enough fuel to return to base.
Raptor 2: He's right sir. We have to turn back. 
Commander: I DON'T GIVE A CRAP ABOUT FUEL LIMITS! GO RIGHT BACK AND SHOOT THAT FUCKER DOWN!
Raptor 1: We wish we could sir, but no facilities besides our can refuel and rearm these things. 
Commander: OH HOLY FUCKING NILLY BILLY, WHAT DO I PAY YOU FOR? 
Raptor 2: We are following protocol sir! 
Commander: This will not stand! What are you men, or pussies?! Because only pussies care about such petty things like fuel!  I hereby revoke you volleyball privileges! This is a disgrace!
Raptor 1&2: *groans* 

UFO SIGNAL LOST.
Personal note: The Commander was furious. He made the two pilots strip down and run the base in a dress. Or at least he loudly threatened to, right next to my ear. I believe I will need to see an ear-specialist soon or get a separate microphone for the Commander.
Lieutenant Miroslava thankfully calmed the Commander down. The volleyball net has been brought down though.

UFO SIGNAL REGAINED!


UFO has landed.
Ear protection applied.
Commander notified.
Troop carrier dispatched to location. Raptor 1 dispatched as escort.


Troop carrier has landed.
Personal note: I was worried about the Commander being loud, but now that he's quiet, I'm even more afraid. He's watching the radio traffic with a disturbingly giddy face.

*End of log.*

[xthetenth]

Ha! They told me that I couldn't be the Senior master chief petty sergeant corporal of the lead dispensary. Now look at me, I've already got the shotgun proving my membership in the lead dispensary! They told the recruiting officer "You can get anything you want at Alice's restaurant," and not a single one got recruited. See! Now all I need is to turn in some exemplary service and I can become the Senior master chief petty sergeant corporal of the lead dispensary.

[OmegaChief]

Alright Alpha squad, do you want to live forever?

... first person to say 'Yes' is on scouting duty.

[Dave]

Yes! Me! I WANT TO LIVE FOREVER AND DIE GLORIOUSLY FIGHTING XENOS!

[HMS Sophia]

NO! Not our precious volleyball....
Why am I a voice of reason all of a sudden?

[JonB]

I have a stun rod? I'm so completely doomed set for the highest honours in the CAF!

Can I have a laser pistol please?

[Force Lord]

You guys are getting all the fun. I have to stay at the base firing at stupid targets.

We need a bigger transport.

[FaxModem1]

No volleyball? Then how will I engage in pilot talk with the other pilots and be able to ogle with impunity?

Fine, I guess I'll just play with the lounge staff then instead of practicing on the simulator. That'll show the Commander.

[HMS Sophia]

Fine, I guess I'll just play with the lounge staff then instead of practicing on the simulator. That'll show the Commander.

No, the simulator is mine I demand access rights at all times

[Zixinus]

Mission record:

Audio log from Red Raider 1 (troop transport) during flight:

Code: Select all

Dave: So, first mission. This is just a scout ship, right? Can't be more than one or two... guys. And they're not expecting us.
Vortex Empire : Actually, I heard that the pilots chased it a bit before it landed. 
atg: Then why is it still in one piece and not in the bottom of some ocean or lake?
Coaan: Guys screwed it up. The thing outran them. 
Dave: Still, they think we've given up, right?
Pilot: Actually, they'll see you coming. This thing isn't exactly quiet when it comes to landing.
OmegaChief: We'll just charge 'em then! [b]For the Empr... er, humanity![/b]
Yosemite Bear: ... why they put all this shit on my back...
xthetenth: Who are we killing again? And how can I get a promotion out of it?
JonB: Aliens. You know, from the briefings? 
Xthetenth: Which one?
JonB: Erm, all of them? You know, all those times they put us in the theatre where they shown us pictures and some analyist droned on?
Coaan: Those? I just play tetris in the back.
xthetenth: Same here. Well, I actually watch porn and wank, but you get the idea. Can you give me a summary?
Vortex Empire: Not really worth it. None of them had any ideas of what was going on.
JohnB: So let me get this straight: we have no idea what the enemy actually looks like?
OmegaChief: Look, just shut up and shoot them between the eyes! We're about to land anyway.

Code: Select all

xthetenth: Anybody have any idea what to do if we don't see their eyes?

NIGHT MISSION!

After-action report:

Both squads fanned the area immedeatly near the Red Raider. Dave and OmegaChief were the first ones to make contact:




The element of surprise was lost due to the cries of "DIE FOUL XENOS!". For this reason, the enemy could open fire before either squad could.

Code: Select all

Dave: Oh god, my weapon is jammed! I should have known that vodka isn't a good cleaning agent! What do I do, what do I do?! I can't die an inglorious death!
OmegaChief: I see something moving between the trees I can't get a clear shot!
JohB: Shit, we are all going to die!

Code: Select all

OmegaChief: Erm...

Code: Select all

Dave: Er...

Code: Select all

Dave: Holy shit, these guys have worse aim than my blind quartermaster back home! And I'm still alive!

Indeed, the aliens appeared to have fired badly and only managed to hit Dave once, merely disabling his shield.

Code: Select all

Coaan: Welcome to Esperanza...

Code: Select all

Coaan: ... and feel free to visit again!

Coaan was the first to successfully welcome our alien visitors with high explosives.

Code: Select all

OmegaChief: I see him! It! Her! *fireshot* Thanks for destroying the trees you were hiding behind, freak!

OmegaChief managed to land the second kill.

Code: Select all

Yosomite Bear: ... hey, is that something moving over there?
Vortex Empire: SHOOT IT! KILL IT!

Code: Select all

Yosomite Bear: Sure.

Meanwhile, Dave surveys the damage done and the alien killed.

Code: Select all

Dave: Those are the aliens, huh? I somehow expected them to be taller. 

xthetoth does the same, this time with dangerous consequences.

Code: Select all

Unknown, possibly alien source: ...can't see me...
xthetoth: Don't have to.

Xthetoth successfully throws a grenade, the blast killing both the source of the sound and demolishing the nearby area. Smokey's Cousin Spotty won't be pleased.

Meanwhile, Alpha squad spots another figure among the trees.

Code: Select all

Coaan: I've got this one! I'll load a stun rocket, that should get me a promotion! Take this!

Coaan misses, spectacularly.

Code: Select all

OmegaChief: Take what exactly?

Meanwhile JonB threatens a tractor.

Code: Select all

JonB: Die disgusting ali... oh, just a tractor.

After running a sweep of the general area, the landed UFO has been found.

Code: Select all

Vortex Empire: Alright people, stack up! We'll get bonuses for live capture, so get ready for a fistfight!

Code: Select all

Yosomite Bear: My back is too aching for a fight. How about I'll just shoot a stun rocket instead?
Vortex Empire: We had those? Oh, that'll work too, I guess.

Yosomite Bear loads a stun rocket into his missile launcher.

Code: Select all

xthetenth: Ready guys? I'm gonna try to open the door now.

Code: Select all

Yosomite Bear: GET READY TO RUMBLLEEEEEE!

The door is opened, to reveal two aliens. They shoot at Yosomite Bear that leaps into the doorway to launch his missile, but the attack fails to knock him down.



Although he still misses spectacularly. Not only does he not hit the alien near the doorway, but manages to hit the central structure of the UFO instead, preventing the knockout gas to reach the alien in the back.
Yosomite Bear retreats.

But all is not lost, because JonB just rushed in, wielding a stun rod and poking the alien in the doorway with it!

Code: Select all

JonB: TASTE THIS!

The alien is successfully knocked out.
However, the one in the back is still there and JonB quickly leaves the UFO when fired upon.



It commits the error of either coming after JonB or trying to check upon his comrade.



Which prove to be it's undoing because atb rushes in right after JonB left and the alien got a stun rod up it's ass!



Once the alien is stunned, the saucer appears to be mostly intact.

MISSION SUCCESS!

After-action quick-report:
OmegaChief: 2 kills
atg: 1 kill
Coaan: 1 kill
xthetenth: 1 kill
JonB: 1 kill (successful stun is counted as kill)
Yosomite Bear: 1 kill

Yosomite Bear and Dave have been most put on medical leave. There have been no promotions.

Memo
From: Lieutenant Commander Miroslava
To: Hangar personal
Subject: About bodybags/coffins
Body: Okay people, it looks like they didn't all die a horrible death. I know that's unbelieable, but I'm just back from the radio room and all of them are whaling victory like the madmen they are. Either get the coffins and body bags out of sight or get them out of the base. We can also recall Father Federick from his funeral service.
Oh, shit, I've just heard as I've been writing this: the Commander just ordered a celebration. This means that these maniacs will be even more drunk than usual! LOCK THE DOORS!

Memo
From: Eng. White Haven
To: Commander
Subject: Success on new weapons
Body: Commander, thanks to your welcome and appreciation of my skills, I have managed to make portable versions of the experimental laser. They can now be produced at your command, if funds for resources and labour are granted of course.
Just please inform your soldiers not to put the batteries near their groin. At least not if they wish to conceave children. And not to splash the weapons with alcohol. Or water. Or vomit.

Meanwhile, new soldiers have been hired to replace those on medical leave and to act as backup.


Spoiler

Whew, writing that took surprisingly long.

Guys, I'm not too good with writing funny. Please help me with quirks/habits/whatever or at least give me suggestions on how to do it better.

Oh, and some of you guys will only appear once someone dies. Money constantly drains daily due to soldier pay, so I can't keep a large rooster of soldiers on base.

Why am I a voice of reason all of a sudden?

You're not, you're just the less egoistical between the two pilots. I was trying to portray them as childish.

Can I have a laser pistol please?

Sure.

We need a bigger transport.

Yup. Keep in mind that this is only the beginning of the game though.

[HMS Sophia]

You're not, you're just the less egoistical between the two pilots. I was trying to portray them as childish.

I'm happy with childish... as long as I also get to be stereotypically British

[Zaune]

The hell you aren't. I haven't laughed this hard all day.

As far as personality quirks go, write me as the outwardly polite and easygoing one who can occasionally be heard muttering vividly unflattering sentiments about his colleagues, his chain of command and the people who designed his equipment. Feel free to also include my unfortunate real-life habit of swearing by Armok, God of Blood in moments of great stress.

[FaxModem1]

Yeah, you're funny, so don't sweat it. As for Fax Modem, he's Maverick or Iceman, if they were out of the closet. So, hitting on every male in sight.

[Darkevilme]

Mr. Suit: "Against my better judgement you are being issued a rocketlauncher and put on active duty."

"A freaking rocketlauncher? I get to blow up the ugly faces?"

Mr. Suit: "That is correct."

"I mustah done something good to deserve this, cant think what."

[OmegaChief]

Ha ha, two kills! And now we have Phasers, with trigger guards!

And your funny was good Zixinus. Hmmm as for quirks, well I can be the 40K-esq squadleader who's perfectly happy to risk everyone elses lives but isn't all that brave himself I guess?

[doom3607]

Cthulhu Cultist Doom reporting for duty as cannon fodder a gloriously effective rocket launcher guy. I shoot aliens in the face so they don't devour the world before Lord Cthulhu gets around to it himself. Then I shall gaurd the crumbs, that Lord Cthulhu may devour them himself!

[Zixinus]

Memo
From: Eng. White Heaven
To: Commander
Subject: Re:New aircraft cannon
Body: I'll simplify the technical jargon: the new aircraft cannon is do damn big and so damn powerful that making it bigger wasn't the problem, it was figuring out how it can fire without it's sheer power tearing apart the aircraft. We simply can't make a bigger gun without new technologies. Or a lot more funding.

Memo
From: Nurse Vena Caporale
To: Lieutenant Commander Miroslava
Subject: New medkits
Body: I have consulted with the medical staff and yes, PLEASE PLEASE urge the Commander to make some of these as soon as possible and equip them.
The soldiers suffering from critical wounds already in our care are way too much. They constantly try to seduce the staff (I bet this wouldn't be the case if a senior nurses were hired), try to mix medications (and they always somehow pick the lock off the medicine cabinets!), demand their weapons ("for comfort" they say!) and "sushi pseudo-crabs a' la laser " (whatever that means), never stay in their beds, not to mention their other habits. This is just them, never mind the chaos of visiting hours! One of the doctors have been caught administering dangerous high doses of sleeping agents just so he (yes, he!) doesn't have to deal with the patients (he has stopped doing this of course). It has been already decided that they are to be tied down, otherwise they'll go around waving surgery tools (particularly bonesaws) and roleplaying some strange slasher (they keep saying something about being "fully charged" and "Übermensch").
So yes, this isn't just me. You would think these people would stop being mad when in a hospital, but it's not enough. Anything to lessen their time with us could not only help them, but help us! Or at least do something so we don't have to wear these damned miniskirts!

MEMO
From: Commander
To: Lieutenant Commander Miroslava
Subject: Re: Better gear for the combat personal
Body: Yes, I do believe that the new medkits could be useful and would further give longevity to my men. However, we are strapped for funds at the moment due to the Esperanza Council refusing to fully recognise the seriousness of our situation. Or at least, I expected more aliens to show up and get more bounty to live of off. Not to mention the salaries of the scientists! Besides, the last mission turned out fine and we have no reason to rush getting these out.
Yes, I know there are pressures on the medical staff. I just came back from the Infirmary myself, where Rookie Yosemite Bear built a still from stolen equipment under his bed. He used fruit from his daily meals as a source. Ingenious, but I myself have learned the hard way to follow doctor's orders. But they are energetic men, their thoughts filled with battle: it is expectable that they would have trouble staying still and doing nothing.
As for the miniskirts: yes, I know that they not regulation-issue anywhere else. For your information, I did not chose them, but a fashion designer. He told me that the attire of the medical staff should is especially important, as "soldiers often need comforting presence after the harshness of battle". I don't know a thing about uniform design beyond that it should either be very practical or very snappy, so I concede to her wisdom. The miniskirt-uniforms stay.

Commander's log, 2108 February 14th
Missile defences for our second base are complete, so is the hangar. I would have brought another Raptor to house it already, however I don't have either a radar to make it worthwhile or the funds to buy a Raptor.
I admit that I may have underestimated the daily salary costs and the funding scientists need.
Eh, whatever. It's not like I've spent like a drunken sailor: I've stopped when I realised I was running out. That already beats most financing done in the early 21st century.


Log of UFO watchmen, 2108 February 15th

UFO presence detected. Does not respond to radio signals. Radar signature matches that of alien scout.
Personal ear-protection applied. Notified nearby personal of need for personal ear protection. Notified Commander trough personal intercom.

Personal note: The Commander is one of those people that does not realise that speaking more loudly into the microphone does not make us hear him better. He managed to shout so loud that he broke the microphone and had to come in (again!) to roger my notification. I know that there are loud bosses, but dear god, this man has no voice control! This is ridiculous!


Raptor 2 has been dispatched.
Launch has been successful judging how the pilot kept whaling for the regular 15 seconds.

Engagement with enemy craft confirmed. Inability of alien scout to hit Raptor 2 confirmed. Raptor 2 making a tremendous deal about this, also confirmed.

UFO has crash-landed. Red Raider 1 has been dispatched.

ANOTHER NIGHT MISSION!

[/b][/i]
Spoiler

That's pretty much it for the moment. It's hard to make jokes when it's 1AM and I'm tired.

[The Yosemite Bear]

yaa medic kits,,,

[atg]

Woot! 1 kill and still alive after the first mission, I'm only filling the enemies body bags