Get your fill of sci-fi, science, and mockery of stupid ideas
http://stardestroyer.dyndns-home.com/
Nephtys wrote:But the stock version's utter tripe. Get this: Your soldiers can't even die in the stock version. What the hell kind of X-COM game is that?
Code: Select all
R1: Check out this baby! I just did a Texas flipped eight and the thing barely shook!
R2: Yeah, I noticed. You are aware that the UFO is trying to run away and too busy doing that to be impressed by your stunts?
R1: Dude, I dodged a plasma bolt with it!
R2: No, you didn't, your shield absorbed the blast on the wing, I saw it.
R1: Whatever. Let's bring this thing down!
R2: Dude, did you just shoot down my missile?
R1: What? No! Or at least, I didn't do it intentionally.
R2: Yeah, but that was my last missile! I'm on to cannons!
R1: Look, you just missed. Let me show you how it's done!
R2: Did you just miss too?
R1: Shut up.
R2: Am I supposed to aspire to that?
R1: SHUT UP!
Code: Select all
Contractor 1: Are you sure this thing will actually work?
Contractor 2: How would I know? How many missile silos do you think I've done?
Contractor 1: Just the one?
Contractor 2: Just the one! This one! I work on surface-to-orbit booster rockets, not this shit!
Contractor 1: So, how did you get the missiles for it? The blueprints I mean.
Contractor 2: I've copied and updated some old Earth missile plans. Not too great, but I didn't have a choice. It should work. If it doesn't blow up.
Contractor 1: You mean the problem with the primers? Do you think that these things are so volatile that they could, you know, blow up before time?
Contractor 2: Think? I know! Remember during that bit with the loading accident, where one of the things activated and wanted to engage because of a bump? We only survived because the thing wasn't fully assembled yet. I would need months of testing to get this thing properly working! But they gave me two days to make all this. TWO DAYS!
Contractor 1: But what if it goes off while inside?
Contractor 2: If? You mean when. But I wouldn't worry. Have you seen the soldiers this place has? One of them was juggling grenades! JUGGLING GRENADES! WITH A LIQUER BOTTLE STILL IN HIS MOUTH! The primers going off before time should be least of this place's worry.
Contractor 1: They're supposed to be the guys fighting the aliens, you know. You should show some respect.
Contractor 2: THE MAN WAS SINGING! HORRIBLY!
Contractor 1: Look, I'll tell the Commander that this thing is ready and that he should make sure to only allow engineers in. We should leave.
Contractor 2: Do you smell beer?
Unknown: I can't rimember... whow much I've haaaaad,I drank *hic* a twelve pack *hic* with my daaaaaad.....
Contractor 1: Sweet jesus in merry heaven, is that one of the soldiers?
Contractor 2: More importantly, is he... cuddling up against the missile?
Unknown: I'm prooud to be his.... er... hey guys, help me out here?
MEMO
FROM: Dr. Jacob Stein
To: Commander
Subject: Complaint
Body: Yes, Commander we too would like to study the alien technology to learn their ultimate weak spot which we will exploit, but for that we would need your pilots to stop shooting the enemy's crafts into the ocean!
Monthly report:MEMO
From: Dr. Albert Sprangler
To: CAF Commander
Subject: Laboratory incidents
Body: Commander, while I appreciate your men's curiosity and urge to experiment with the new laser equipment from which we plan to create into a series of deadly weapons, I really, really, REALY wish that they would stop using the experimental laser to blow up full beer cans. Question of abuse aside, there is the issue that the laser capable of igniting the alcohol, not to mention that their pranks may dirty an otherwise sterile environment.
Furthermore, the laser is NOT FOR ZAPPING BUGS! THE EXPERIMENTAL LASER IS NOT A COOKING TOOL! PLEASE order your men to stop bringing in Giant Esperza Pseudo-Crabs and blowing them up with the laser! The mess is terrible and they never clean up!
Code: Select all
Commander: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TWO DOING?! FIRE!!!!!
Raptor 1: Sorry Commander, but we are out of fuel. If we persue further, we won't have enough fuel to return to base.
Raptor 2: He's right sir. We have to turn back.
Commander: I DON'T GIVE A CRAP ABOUT FUEL LIMITS! GO RIGHT BACK AND SHOOT THAT FUCKER DOWN!
Raptor 1: We wish we could sir, but no facilities besides our can refuel and rearm these things.
Commander: OH HOLY FUCKING NILLY BILLY, WHAT DO I PAY YOU FOR?
Raptor 2: We are following protocol sir!
Commander: This will not stand! What are you men, or pussies?! Because only pussies care about such petty things like fuel! I hereby revoke you volleyball privileges! This is a disgrace!
Raptor 1&2: *groans* 
NO! Not our precious volleyball....
No, the simulator is mineFine, I guess I'll just play with the lounge staff then instead of practicing on the simulator. That'll show the Commander.
I demand access rights at all timesCode: Select all
Dave: So, first mission. This is just a scout ship, right? Can't be more than one or two... guys. And they're not expecting us.
Vortex Empire : Actually, I heard that the pilots chased it a bit before it landed.
atg: Then why is it still in one piece and not in the bottom of some ocean or lake?
Coaan: Guys screwed it up. The thing outran them.
Dave: Still, they think we've given up, right?
Pilot: Actually, they'll see you coming. This thing isn't exactly quiet when it comes to landing.
OmegaChief: We'll just charge 'em then! [b]For the Empr... er, humanity![/b]
Yosemite Bear: ... why they put all this shit on my back...
xthetenth: Who are we killing again? And how can I get a promotion out of it?
JonB: Aliens. You know, from the briefings?
Xthetenth: Which one?
JonB: Erm, all of them? You know, all those times they put us in the theatre where they shown us pictures and some analyist droned on?
Coaan: Those? I just play tetris in the back.
xthetenth: Same here. Well, I actually watch porn and wank, but you get the idea. Can you give me a summary?
Vortex Empire: Not really worth it. None of them had any ideas of what was going on.
JohnB: So let me get this straight: we have no idea what the enemy actually looks like?
OmegaChief: Look, just shut up and shoot them between the eyes! We're about to land anyway.
Code: Select all
xthetenth: Anybody have any idea what to do if we don't see their eyes?
Code: Select all
Dave: Oh god, my weapon is jammed! I should have known that vodka isn't a good cleaning agent! What do I do, what do I do?! I can't die an inglorious death!
OmegaChief: I see something moving between the trees I can't get a clear shot!
JohB: Shit, we are all going to die!
Code: Select all
OmegaChief: Erm...
Code: Select all
Dave: Er...
Code: Select all
Dave: Holy shit, these guys have worse aim than my blind quartermaster back home! And I'm still alive!
Code: Select all
Coaan: Welcome to Esperanza...
Code: Select all
Coaan: ... and feel free to visit again!
Code: Select all
OmegaChief: I see him! It! Her! *fireshot* Thanks for destroying the trees you were hiding behind, freak!
Code: Select all
Yosomite Bear: ... hey, is that something moving over there?
Vortex Empire: SHOOT IT! KILL IT!
Code: Select all
Yosomite Bear: Sure.
Code: Select all
Dave: Those are the aliens, huh? I somehow expected them to be taller. 
Code: Select all
Unknown, possibly alien source: ...can't see me...
xthetoth: Don't have to.Code: Select all
Coaan: I've got this one! I'll load a stun rocket, that should get me a promotion! Take this!
Code: Select all
OmegaChief: Take what exactly?
Code: Select all
JonB: Die disgusting ali... oh, just a tractor.
Code: Select all
Vortex Empire: Alright people, stack up! We'll get bonuses for live capture, so get ready for a fistfight!
Code: Select all
Yosomite Bear: My back is too aching for a fight. How about I'll just shoot a stun rocket instead?
Vortex Empire: We had those? Oh, that'll work too, I guess.Code: Select all
xthetenth: Ready guys? I'm gonna try to open the door now.
Code: Select all
Yosomite Bear: GET READY TO RUMBLLEEEEEE!
Code: Select all
JonB: TASTE THIS!
Memo
From: Lieutenant Commander Miroslava
To: Hangar personal
Subject: About bodybags/coffins
Body: Okay people, it looks like they didn't all die a horrible death. I know that's unbelieable, but I'm just back from the radio room and all of them are whaling victory like the madmen they are. Either get the coffins and body bags out of sight or get them out of the base. We can also recall Father Federick from his funeral service.
Oh, shit, I've just heard as I've been writing this: the Commander just ordered a celebration. This means that these maniacs will be even more drunk than usual! LOCK THE DOORS!
Memo
From: Eng. White Haven
To: Commander
Subject: Success on new weapons
Body: Commander, thanks to your welcome and appreciation of my skills, I have managed to make portable versions of the experimental laser. They can now be produced at your command, if funds for resources and labour are granted of course.
Just please inform your soldiers not to put the batteries near their groin. At least not if they wish to conceave children. And not to splash the weapons with alcohol. Or water. Or vomit.
I'm happy with childish... as long as I also get to be stereotypically BritishYou're not, you're just the less egoistical between the two pilots. I was trying to portray them as childish.
Memo
From: Eng. White Heaven
To: Commander
Subject: Re:New aircraft cannon
Body: I'll simplify the technical jargon: the new aircraft cannon is do damn big and so damn powerful that making it bigger wasn't the problem, it was figuring out how it can fire without it's sheer power tearing apart the aircraft. We simply can't make a bigger gun without new technologies. Or a lot more funding.
Memo
From: Nurse Vena Caporale
To: Lieutenant Commander Miroslava
Subject: New medkits
Body: I have consulted with the medical staff and yes, PLEASE PLEASE urge the Commander to make some of these as soon as possible and equip them.
The soldiers suffering from critical wounds already in our care are way too much. They constantly try to seduce the staff (I bet this wouldn't be the case if a senior nurses were hired), try to mix medications (and they always somehow pick the lock off the medicine cabinets!), demand their weapons ("for comfort" they say!) and "sushi pseudo-crabs a' la laser " (whatever that means), never stay in their beds, not to mention their other habits. This is just them, never mind the chaos of visiting hours! One of the doctors have been caught administering dangerous high doses of sleeping agents just so he (yes, he!) doesn't have to deal with the patients (he has stopped doing this of course). It has been already decided that they are to be tied down, otherwise they'll go around waving surgery tools (particularly bonesaws) and roleplaying some strange slasher (they keep saying something about being "fully charged" and "Übermensch").
So yes, this isn't just me. You would think these people would stop being mad when in a hospital, but it's not enough. Anything to lessen their time with us could not only help them, but help us! Or at least do something so we don't have to wear these damned miniskirts!
MEMO
From: Commander
To: Lieutenant Commander Miroslava
Subject: Re: Better gear for the combat personal
Body: Yes, I do believe that the new medkits could be useful and would further give longevity to my men. However, we are strapped for funds at the moment due to the Esperanza Council refusing to fully recognise the seriousness of our situation. Or at least, I expected more aliens to show up and get more bounty to live of off. Not to mention the salaries of the scientists! Besides, the last mission turned out fine and we have no reason to rush getting these out.
Yes, I know there are pressures on the medical staff. I just came back from the Infirmary myself, where Rookie Yosemite Bear built a still from stolen equipment under his bed. He used fruit from his daily meals as a source. Ingenious, but I myself have learned the hard way to follow doctor's orders. But they are energetic men, their thoughts filled with battle: it is expectable that they would have trouble staying still and doing nothing.
As for the miniskirts: yes, I know that they not regulation-issue anywhere else. For your information, I did not chose them, but a fashion designer. He told me that the attire of the medical staff should is especially important, as "soldiers often need comforting presence after the harshness of battle". I don't know a thing about uniform design beyond that it should either be very practical or very snappy, so I concede to her wisdom. The miniskirt-uniforms stay.
