Wesleys Brain. (Warning: Contains humour) >< COMPLETE

[Captain Cyran]

Not as funny as some of the previous chapters, but it still got a couple chuckles.

[TurboPhaser]

Yeah, it wasnt as funny. I was too tired when I wrote that one.

Yep, I'll check ya fic out.




Part 9


(Enterprise, which is burning in space)

Lt.Og: Abandon ship! You can't be serious!
Picard: I'm always serious! See how my forehead vein wiggles? Thats how to tell I'm serious! Now, abandon ship!
Lt.Og: ........Aye sir. *presses 'Panic Button'*
Computer: Abandon ship! Abandon ship! This isnt a drill, unlike last time!
Picard: Right lets get outta here!
Riker: Can I come too?
Picard & Og: No.

(ISD)

Darth: Argh! They're closing in and powering their tractor beams!
Data: Not to worry, them Cubes only have one tractor beam each.
Darth: Really? How d'you know?
Data: Back when Picard got assimilated, their ship only ever used one tractor beam on us.
Darth: But.......you said Borg ships have extensive redundacy systems!
Data: Tell them that, not us.
Darth: Hang on, they have 46 ships, therefore 46 tractor beams! How is that not a cause to worry?
Data: Um, well.........ya see.........Quick! Look over there!! *points*
Darth: *looks* Huh?
Data: *runs* Yeeeeeeeee!

(Space)
(Suddenly, 70 pinpricks of light apperared, and out of each one, roars a Borg Cube)

Picard: Oh, shit.

Darth: Oh crap.

(But, just as suddenly these new cubes started attacking the other cubes! The original 46 cubes are being torn apart left, right and centre)

Queen: Noooooo! Not them! The only people who could stop us!
Random Borg Underling: Only people who can stop us? What about Species 8472?
Queen: Shutup.....
R.B.U: Or Voyager.....?
Queen: I said shutup!
R.B.U: What about random Ion storms? They always gave us trou.........GAK!
Queen: *dropping his head* Remind me to never assimilate Talaxians again.......

(The titanic battle is starting to end, debris is everywhere, the remaining 4 Borg Cubes jump to warp)

Picard: What on earth is going on! Who are they! Borg attacking Borg? This makes no sense!
Lt.Og: They are hailing sir!
Borg: We are the TNG Borg. We have come forward in time to make sure we are not weakened in any way. The Voyager Borg will be eliminated.
Picard: Uh......cool. Well, thanks for that, but we'll be on our way now........
Borg: You will be assimilated. Surrender your crew or we will destroy your ship.
Picard: Now hang on a sec......
Borg: Surrender or we will destroy your ship.
Picard: Now don't yell! I get all tense and sweaty when people yell at me!
Borg: Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
Picard: Persistance is Futile! You will be incriminated!
Lt.Og: They have closed the channel sir.
Picard: Ha! Scared off by my bold words!
Lt.Og: Sir, they have locked a tractor beam on us.
Picard: It........appears that my bold words ........have .......failed.
Lt. Og. (under her breath) Yeah? No shit, Sherlock.
Picard: Eh?

(ISD)

Computer: Enemy vessels are hailing.
Darth: Receive.
Borg: Were are the Borg. You will be assimliated.
Computer: Channel has been closed. (pause) Enemy vessel has locked a tractor beam. Insuffcient engine power to escape.
Darth: Well, thats it. We're screwed.
Data: Don't give up! I'm sure if we keep our heads, some thing will........
Computer: (interrupting) Intruder alert! Ship wide! 4,000 intruders detected!
Data: ..........screw us up.

(Enterprise)

Riker: (running around in circles, screaming like a girl) Mommy! Moooooommmy!
Picard: Will you shutup! I'm trying to think!
Computer: Intruder alert! 1,500 Borg detected on board!
Picard: Right, thinking over! Riker, get every security officer who isnt dead, in a terrified stupor or just plain inept and get down and fight those Borg!
Riker: *salutes* Yes sir! We will be victorious! (leaves)
Lt.Og: Sir, we only have 200 security officers left.
Picard: Do we have enough to guard the way to the Captain's Yacht?
Lt. Og: Uh, yes sir.
Picard: Then I see no problem.
Lt.Og: What!? Captain Picard would never put his own safety ahead of his crew! Whats going on?!
Picard: *evil chuckle* Who said I was Captain Picard?
Lt. Og: *looks in horror at what she sees* Nooooooooooooooooooooo!

Gasp! What is going on? Who is Picard? What will happen to the two ships?
Part 10 coming soon!

[Shroom Man 777]

Incredible. Senseless but humorous. I bet you made that in an incredibly short span of time, just something from the top of your head. Well, keep it up, creative genius like this must be encouraged. MUSH DOGGIE!!!

[TurboPhaser]

It's been a while, and this only has a small audience. But never mind, I'm going to continue.

Part 10.

(Enterprise)

Lt. Og: How can this be!? No! NO!
Captain Janeway: (throwing 'Picard' mask on floor) Yes! It was I you fools!
Lt. Og: But....how...?
Janeway: No time for that claptrap! I'm still Captain, and I gave you an order! Secure the path to the Captains Yacht!
Lt. Og: Never! I won't obey such a evil, fiendish, bitter old.......ARRGH!
Janeway: *lowering phaser* Silly person. (Addressing Lt. Zork) You! Arrange the security!
Lt. Zork: But....
Janeway: I warn you! It's 3 pm and I haven't had my coffee!
Lt. Zork: Yes Ma'......er, Captian!

(Enterprise corridor, where phaser blasts are zipping back and forth in a futile attempt to keep the Borg at bay)

Riker: Johnson! Cover me!
Johnson: ARRRRRGGH!!! *collapses*
Riker: Dammit! Teal! Cover me!
Wall: BLAM!
Teal: GAK! *collapses*
Riker: Hmm. Zeedo, take the flank!
Zeedo: Yes sir! *runs off*
Borg: Gothca! *sticks tubes into Zeedo's neck*
Zeedo: EEEEEEK!!!!
Riker: Uh, Riker to Bridge, we are not doing too well.

(E-D bridge)

Janeway: (to comm) Yeah whatever, just keep them away from the Captains Yacht!
Riker: (over comm) Yes sir.......wait! Who are you? Wheres Picard?
Janeway: Don't know, don't care. Just follow my orders, you Number One.....
Riker: Ah, that is Captain Picard. Riker out!
Janeway......Idiot......oh. Oh well. Is the security ready?
Lt. Zork: Yes Captain.
Janeway: Right, time to blow this joint. Anyone who has coffee may come with me.
Bridge Crew: .........
Janeway: Right, you're all gonna die. Bye Bye! (enters turbolift)

(ISD)

Darth: OK people! We have 2 options: 1. Fight them to the death or, 2. Destroy the ship and run away.
Data: 2.
Geordi: 2.
Darth: Done and done. Escape pods are that way!
Crew: *runs down corridor to escape pods*

(Escape pods)

Darth: Right, here it is. The escape pod.
Data: The escape pod?! You only have one?!
Darth: Probably. Quit complaining, get in!
(Data and Geordi get in)
Darth: Computer, activate self destruct sequence!
Computer: State password!
Darth: Darth Vader - 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5!
Computer: Password accepted. Self Destruct in 1 minute and counting.
(Darth gets in pod and shuts hatch)
Data & Geordi: ........12345?!
Darth: Well, would you have guessed it? *presses 'Launch' button*
(Pod blasts off into space)

(E-D Corridor)

Ensign Sao: Sir, I'm dying!
Riker: No time for that! We can't win! Fall back!
Ensign Sao: *collapses*
Riker: No! not literally, you schmuck!
Ensign Sao:
Riker: Fine! Come one! Lets get outta here and to the escape pods!

(E-D Yacht hatch)

Janeway: Good job, pawn sacrifices! Your useless gesture in saving my own skin will not get you any honour or sympathy funds for your pathetic, peasant like families!
Lt. Zork: Yes Captain.
Janeway: *gets into Yacht and shuts hatch* Now, to the controls!

(ISD Pod)

Darth: *staring out window* Should be aaaaany minute now....
Data: Actually, it should have been this minute. Right now. What is wrong?
Darth: I don't know, self destructs usually work!
Geordi: Usually? How often do you destroy your own ships?
Darth: Well, sort of rarely.
Data: *stares*
Geordi: *stares*
Darth: (annoyed) Well, it is sorta expensive to test them on a regular basis!!
Computer: Incoming transmission!
Borg: You will be assimilated. Resistance is Futile.
Darth: Argh! When do these guys give up?
Data: When they get blown into 3 million seperate pieces.
Darth:........Right.

(E-D Yacht)

Janeway: *driving Yacht* Lalalalaa! Lalalalala! Ooh! Oh no! Not again!
(reaches for her hypospray of 'Guilt-Stopper' and injects some into her neck)
Janeway: Ah! Thats better!

(ISD Pod)

Darth: (Sort of panicky) Come on! COME ON!
Computer: Warning! Energy field detected! Unknown origin!
Darth: Whats that?
Data: *glances out window* That....? Oh, thats just a temporal rift.
Darth: A......temporal.....? Time travel?!
Data: Yeah, we seem 'em all the time.
Darth: But! This is fascinating! Time travel! Incredible!
Geordi: Um, yeah. Sure.
Data: Got any playing cards?

(Space)

Time Hole: Bluuuuurk! *Starship Enterprise, NX-01 arrives through hole*

(NX-01 Bridge)

Archer: Oh fooey, another time thingy. Where are we now?
T'Pol: I don't know, but we are detecting numerous vessels in the area. Also, I believe I am having a crisis of mind and body.
Archer: Again huh? That's twice this week. Say, Mayweather, shouldn't you slow down?
Mayweather: I can't! The steering thingy is stuck!
Archer: Aaah! We are heading right for that pointy ship! Full Impulse.....
Mayweather: Aye sir! *puts his foot down*
Archer: No! Let me finish! Full Impulse, reverse! Rever.......

(NX-01 slams straight into the ISD at top speed and explodes in a hellish firestorm. A chain reaction occurs)

(ISD Pod)

Darth: Hey hey! Thats the way!
Data: What was that thing that hit it?
Geordi: I dunno, probably just a bit of space garbage.

(ISD starts to explode, with blasts rippling across its hull, finally a bright flash and an enourmous explosion tears the ISD apart, with a shockwave destroying several Borg Cubes nearby)

(E-D Corridor)

Riker: *glances out window* Damn, the Star Destroyer just went up!
Lt. Pot Purri: *gets a borg laser bolt in the back* ARRRGH!
Riker: Pay attention when I'm talking dammit!
(His squad arrives at the pods)
Riker: Quick everyone get in! Hurry!
(Crew gets into their respective pods, as does Riker)
Riker: Computer, launch pods!
Computer: Acknowledged.

(Pods are launched, and rapidly fly away from the disentegrating Enterprise)

(Borg Cube)

Collective: Humans have failed to surrender. Charge weapons. Destroy the Enterprise.

(Borg Cubes close in on the Enterprise. They fire torpedoes. They strike the Enterprise, totally annihilating it in a huge fireball)

(Riker Pod)
(Pod is being buffeted by remainders of explosion)

Riker: Agh! Computer, report.
Computer: Star Destroyer has been destroyed. Enterprise destroyed. Detecting approximatley 59 escape pods in vicinity. Captain's Yacht also detected.
Riker: And the Borg?
Computer: Cubes are approaching escape pods. Time to intercept: 11 minutes.
Riker: Begin broadcasting a general distress signal.
Computer: Confirmed.

(ISD Pod)

Data: *staring out window at Borg Cubes* What do we do now?
Darth: Um, sit here and wait to be vaporised.
Geordi: Meh, I don't have a better idea.
Computer: Warning! Unknown energy field detected!
Darth: Another one? Visual!
(Screen displays a small pinpoint of energy. It stretches out slightly and fans out, then twists back, and a huge blue vortex appears)
Geordi: What the.....!?

(Riker Pod)

Riker: Jeepers!

(Captain's Yacht)

Janeway: (on her 5th cup of coffee) Holy frisbees!


Whats up? Whats with the vortex? How much coffee can Janeway drink?

Find out in Part 11!

[SpecWar826]

I just sat down and read this that story is the most hilarious piece of writing I have ever seen

[darthdavid]

DAMN YOU, UYO STOLE MY FIRST POST WAAAGH. Eeeer...
This thing gets better with every chapter.

[Captain Cyran]

The plain out stupidity is just SO DAMN FUNNY! This is some easy humor stuff. Not the really complicated things, just that plain out humor that's great.

[Agent R]

NX-01=space garbage!!!! It's funny 'cuz it's true!

So, what took you long to update?

[TurboPhaser]

Agent R: To be honest, I more or less forgot about this.
Thankyou all for your kind words.

Part 11:


Meanwhile, elsewhere in the Galaxy:

(USS Voyager, bridge)

Chakotay: Well? Any sign of the Captain yet?
Kim: No Sir, repeated scans have failed to locate her.
Chakotay: Nuts.
(7 enters bridge)
Chakotay: Oh, hey 7. Are you still angry about what Janeway did to you when you tried to stop her getting into the shuttlebay after her caffiene induced psychotic episode?
7: I shall destroy her.
Chakotay: Oh come now, the Doctor said he can siphon it out!
7: I shall destroy her.
Tuvok: Sir, as much as I regret interrupting this useless conversation, I must point out that Captain Janeway left several days ago, and we have been searching constantly. We have not found a trace of her. Why do we continue on such a fruitless endeavour?
Chakotay: I think, after 7 years on this ship, you know when somebody asks that, something usually happens.
Paris: Sir! We are recieving a distress call!
Chakotay: See? On speakers!
Speakers: This is Commander Riker of the Starship Enterprise! The Enterprise just exploded a bit......the Borg are closing in.......and I think I wet myself! The Borg will get us in a matter of minutes! Dammit! Why did I record this as my default distress call?!
Chakotay: Hmm. How far away are they?
Paris: About 32 lightyears.
Chakotay: We'll never get there in time. Right! Everyone act normal!
Bridge crew: Sir?
Chakotay: Everyone act normal, like you do when you just get on duty!
(Bridge crew complies)
Tuvok: .......Sir...I...
Chakotay: Sssh!
Kim: But....
Chakotay: Shush!
Paris: Sir! Detecting some sort of subspace tunnel ahead! It leads directly to the source of the distress call!
Chakotay: Hehe, that always happens. Set a course! Full Impulse!
7: I will destroy her.

(Meanwhile, back at the barn)

(Riker pod)

Riker: Computer! What is it.....?
Computer: Unknown form of energy vortex. Unknown origin.
Riker: *sigh* Is that the best you can do?
Computer: Affirmative.
Riker: Right! Make contact with the other pods, ask them what data.....
Computer: Warning! Vessel detected! Vessel emerging from vortex!
Riker: Good lord!

(Riker watches in fascination as an alien vessel emerges from the vortex! Nothing he has ever seen before, an odd looking, blue, almost fish like ship. With huge fins at the back, 2 long fins pointing downwards, and one pointing upwards. The vortex closes after the ship has left)

Riker: Computer hail.........EEEEEK!!!!
Troi: Oops, sorry Will! It was getting cramped under that seat, I had to get out, I guessed I shouldnt have grabbed that as a hand hold....
Riker: How did you get there?!
Troi: Well, I sorta got lost when the evac order was given, so I put myself here. I just sorta forgot how to launch it.
Riker: Thankyou! Did you have to grab so forcefully?!
Troi: Meh.
Computer: Vessel is sending a general hail.
Riker: Let's hear it.
Speakers: This is the Minbari Warcruiser Shinassi! Please identify yourselves.
Riker: Computer, open a channel!
Computer: Unable to comply, Borg are blocking communications.
Riker: *seeth*
Troi: Oh Will, you're so cute when you do that!

(Minbari Cruiser)

Splork: Sir, detecting many unknown ships, cube shaped. They seem to be advancing on those escape pods.
Captain Sh'Noll: Right! Let's assume that these cubes are hostile, and they are preying on innocent victims.
Splork: But sir! What if........
Sh'Noll: Shutup now! Open gunports! Charge weapons!
Splork: Yes sir.

(Captain's Yacht)

Janeway: (9th cup) Ooo! No, I think those blue fish ship people are one of those silly free thinking people! I had better correct them and their stupid ideas of freedom and such! Computer, prepare warp core for overload!
Computer: Acknowledged.
Janeway: Also, (10th cup) plot a collision course for the fish ship.
Computer: Please restate command.
Janeway: Minbari! Plot a collision course with the Minbari ship, you clanking, glorified typewriter!
Computer: Confirmed.
Janeway: Excellent, when those fish get wiped out, I can deal with the Enterprise crew, show them what I think.......(11th cup).......Then, perhaps Starfleet will promote me to Admiral! Heheehehe, hahahaha!

(Voyager)

Chakotay: Report!
Tuvok: We are almost there Commander, this timely subspace tunnel has helped a great deal.
Chakotay: We don't know what we'll find there, so raise shields and go to Red Alert!
Tuvok: Aye sir!

(Minbari Cruiser)

Borg: (Over comm) We are the Borg. We will add your technological and biological distinctiveness to our own. Resistance is futile. Lower your shields and surrender your ship.
Sh'Noll: Shields.......? *shrugs* Eh. Lock weapons on the closest ship, standby to fire. That might let them know we mean business!
Splork: Yes sir!
Alarm: Beep.
Splork: Sir, we are detecting a small ship, they are on a collision course!
Sh'Noll: I'm sure its a mistake. Continue targeting the lead Cube.
Splork: Sir, are you entirely sure about that?
Sh'Noll: Sure I am! Thats a cube, it's obvious. And it's infront of the others, hence: Lead Cube.
Splork: Of course sir, I would never argue against your pure, unfiltered logic. Sir, we are in weapons range!
Sh'Noll: Fire all weapons!


Me oh my! What will happen next? Will Janeway flip out on coffee again? Will 7 ever flush it out? Will Riker notice the corpse of Captain Picard in the escape pod's storage locker?

Find out in Part 12!

[Agent R]

First post!

EDIT: Who else do you plan on bringing into this party? Wait, don't answer that! I want to be surprised!

[TurboPhaser]

Part 12......I think I'll wrap this up soon.


(Minutes Earlier, on Riker's pod)

Riker: Deanna, I have something to tell you it's about Worf.
Troi: What is it?
Riker: I know how you felt about him, this makes it very difficult to say but.........he's dead.
Troi: Oh my Gosh! This is horrible! How'd it happen?
Riker: Well, apparently he was in a bar on the Star Destroyer...........
Troi: Whatever. Let's kiss! *grabs Riker*
Riker: (has Troi's face mashed against his) Mmmm! Mmmm!
Troi: (Noticing Minbari Cruiser firing outside) Ooh! Thats pretty! Sorta like 15 pretty beams of lightning striking down on some innocent victim!

(Space)

(As mentioned, 15 Fusion beams strike the Borg cube and blast away at it's hull. However, they have minimal effect)

(Shinassi)

Splork: The narration is correct sir! Negative damage!
Sh'Noll: Frell! Charge the Anti-Matter cannon!
Splork: Yes sir!

(Borg Cube)

Collective: Minimal damage to Cube 0465, Unable to detirmine defences of Alien vessel. Fire torpedo.

(Space, where a cube fires a single torpedo to test what the Minbari Cruiser can do)

(Shinassi)

Splork: Incoming projectile!
Sh'Noll: Quick, shoot it down!
(Torpedo strikes their upper, unshielded hull where a mighty explosion tears away at the ships armour)
Splork: (wiping debris off his console) I can't sir, it seems to have vanished off our scanners! Additionally, something made our armour explode on our starboard dorsal!
Sh'Noll: Good one. Evasives! Fire Anti-Matter cannon!
Splork: Firing!

(The Shinassi fires, the incredibly bright beam slicing through space, heading for a Cube)

Antimatter Beam: Eat this.
Borg Cube: Oh Monkeytrumpets!

(The beam hits, inflicting massive damage and overloading the Borg shields before they could adapt. The beam hits the Borg's warp core and the Cube promptly explodes)

(Shinassi)

Sh'Noll: Yes!! Lousy paperclip pile!
Splork: Sir, other cubes closing in.
Sh'Noll: How many?
Splork: 32.
Sh'Noll: Right! We're boned!
Splork: *smacks head*
Sh'Noll: What? *looks in mirror* Oh.

(Darth Pod)

Darth: (watching the Shinassi engage the Borg) Well, judging by that performance, I'd say we are totally stuffed.
Data: Probably. The character shields are a bit muddled now.
Geordi: Why is the Captain's Yacht heading full speed at the Minbari?
Data: That is odd. (reading scanner display) According to this, the person at the controls is Captain Janeway and is suffering from massive caffiene overdose. She seems to have set the warp core to overload.
Darth: We gotta stop her! That ship is our only hope!
Geordi: Any weapons on this thing?
Darth: Yeah, they should be enough to stop her!
Data: Setting a course, engaging full impul.......um, full...power.

(USS Voyager)

Paris: Approaching tunnel exit!
Chakotay: Be careful not to take the offramp to Borg space, that was awkward when we had to ask for directions you know.
Paris: Yes Ma'am.
Chakotay: Ye......HEY!
Paris: Sorry sir, with Janeway gone and all......
Chakotay: We can do some sane tactical planning. Mr Tuvok, Arm phasers and load torpedo bays!
Tuvok: Yes Ma'am.
*bridge crew stares*
Tuvok: Sir.
Chakotay: Riiiight.
(Belanna enters)
Belanna: Hey everyone, just came to tell you the warp drive is functioning properly.
Chakotay: We arent using the warp drive, you dolt. And why can't you use the comm system?
Belanna: As if I need an exscuse to have some sexual tension time with Paris.
Paris: Hey babe, wanna go out?
Belanna: No, shutup you pig!

(Back at the barn)

(Random escape pod)

Ensign #1: Phew! Lucky we escaped!
Ensign #2: Um, you realise we are unnamed ensigns, we are wearing security uniforms and have never been seen before?
Ensign #1: So what?
Computer: Fusion reactor overload.
Ensigns: Shit.
Escape pod: KA-BOOM!

(Shinassi, which is taking fire from several Borg Cubes. The Shinassi retaliates with full weapons, damaging a few cubes in return)

(Janeway's pod)

Janeway: (14th cup) (very jittery) .....and that stupid pip squeek Harry! Ack! How often did I want to bury his face into the Impulse reactors! And watch him scream his girly screams!
Computer: Warning! Imperial escape pod nearing weapons range!
Janeway: So?
Computer: Their weapons are powered!
Janeway: Ah. Um, raise shields and charge the kill ray thingys!
Computer: Confirmed. Warning!
Janeway: Oh, what now?!
Computer: Subspace tunnel opening approximately 15,000 Kilometres
away.
Janeway: *eyes widen* Subspace......? Oh no! Computer, any sign of a ship?
Computer: Affirmitave. Vessel identified as.....
Janeway: USS Voyager......NCC-74656....
Computer: USS........Hey! It's my job to state the bleeding obvious, not yours! So shutup!
Janeway: No! Not them! No! NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Will a random wormhole swallow up Voyager, to handily stop them finding Janeway? Do they care about Janeway?

Is 7 of 9 hatching some sort of revenge?

7 of 9: I shall destroy her.

I suppose so............find out more next time!

[TurboPhaser]

Great response here guys ..............I have Part 13 ready, extra long it is..........It's just going through some fine tuning. Will be up tomorrow.

[Crazedwraith]

very funny
post more now.

[Captain Cyran]

It lives once again. I thought that part with Chakotey knowing what to do to get crazy shit to happen was funny.

[Singular Quartet]

YES! IT LIVES!

Oh, wait, Cyran already said that. Whatever. Keep writing.

[Crazedwraith]

you guys did know the last chaper game out three months ago and no one commented?

[TurboPhaser]

Yes, it twas.


Chapter 13:

(Voyager blasts out of the Timely Subspace Tunnel and is instantly fired upon by the Borg)

Chakotay: (ship quakes) Oof! Borg eh? No problem! Tuvok, rotate weapons frequencies and fire!
Tuvok: Aye sir.

(Voyager starts firing phasers and torpedoes, they hit several Cubes)

Tuvok: Sir......no damage! They have adapted to our weapons!
Chakotay: Huh? You mean.......we are no match for the Borg anymore?
Tuvok: It seems so sir, I don't understand.
Chakotay: I got it! Beam a torpedo into one of their ships, that's worked before!
Tuvok: Aye sir, energising torpedo. (pause) Borg have assimilated the torpedo before we could detonate it.
Chakotay: ......Crap. Hail the Queen.
Tuvok: With all due respect sir, I don't think we should surrender so quickly........
Chakotay: I meant open communications to the Queen, you idiot!
Tuvok: Aye sir.

(Cube)

Collective: Receiving communication request from unknown Starfleet vessel. Open channel.
Chakotay: This is Captain...
Tuvok: Sir..?
Chakotay: Oh yes, Janeway isn't dead......yet. Fine, This is Commander Chakotay of the USS Voyager. I demand to speak with the Queen right now!
Collective: We have no leader, they serve no purpose. Prepare to be assimilated.
Chakotay: Wha....? Sure you do! She's stored in seperate bits...? Like Lego...?
Collective: You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.
Tuvok: Comm channel terminated! Sir, I don't believe these are the Borg we encounter. They seem..........intelligent sir. Their tactics are more consistent with the Borg encountered by the Starship Enterprise in 2362!
Chakotay: Good God!
Computer: Warning! Character shields have failed!
Bridge Crew: Gasp!

(Captains Yacht)

Janeway: (Panicking) Computer, quick! Change course to ram Voyager!
Computer: Confirmed.

(ISD Escape pod)

Data: She changed course!
Darth: Computer, stay in pursuit! And someone fire the weapons!
Geordi: Aye!

(Escape pod fires blasters at the Yacht)

Janeway: Errrk! Evasives! Return fire! (15th cup)

(Yacht dodges and shoots back)

(Shinassi)

Splork: Armour is failing! Massive damage to engines! .....Sir, I am detecting an unknown vessel at 453 mark 573!
Sh'Noll: On viewer!
(viewer displays Voyager getting pummeled by Borg)
Splork: I'm detecting 152 humans onboa....sorry, 150. No, 145.....Wait...
Sh'Noll: I get the idea. Cover them!
(ship quakes)
Splork: Sir, Fighter bays destroyed! Multiple hull breaches!

(Riker escape pod)

Riker: (watching ensuing battle) I wish I could help somehow.....
Troi: Eh? Doesn't this thing come with a phaser cannon? To ward of Ferengi scrap merchants after the mother ship is destroyed?
Riker: (watching Shinassi burn) Erm........no.
Troi: Okay. I'm getting a drink from the storage locker, want one?
Riker: Okay.
Troi: (opens storage locker) EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!

(Voyager)

Tuvok: Shields down to 12 percent! All shield modulations have failed! ........Sir! A vessel is rapidly approaching! It's the Enterprise's Captain's Yacht! Their warp core is on overload!
Chakotay: Hail them!
Kim: (waits about 0.553 of a second) No response!
Tuvok: Sir.........scans have revealed.........IT'S HER!
Chakotay: Janeway!!

(Yacht)

Computer: Shields are at 24 per cent. Enemy pod closing to point blank range.
Janeway: How far from Voyager are we?!
Computer: 45 Kilometres.
Janeway: 45...?
Computer: I mean 47.
Janeway: Ah.

(Riker pod)

Riker: Hey look! The corpse of Captain Picard in our escape pod storage locker! Who woulda guessed!
Troi: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Riker: I know! Fancy that drink still?
Troi: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Riker: More for me then.
Troi: (fumbles for transporter controls in her terrified stupor)
Picard: (dematerializes)
Riker: Going already Captain...?

(Yacht)

Computer: Impact in 15......14........13.....
Janeway: DIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

(ISD Pod)

Darth: Fire Proton torpedo!
Data: Firing!

(Yacht)

Computer: Torpedo lock!
Janeway: (swerves)
Computer: Lock lost!
Janeway: (Maniac cackle)

(suddenly, Picard's corpse materializes on the Yacht's windshield, blocking Janeway's view!)

Janeway: Noo!!!!!! Not him!!!! How did he.....?

(Janeway loses control of the Yacht, which mysteriously re-adjusts itself into its previous course)

Computer: Lock re-established!
Janeway: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! (white flash)

(The missile hits the Yacht.......and it's weakened shields offer no resistance, it explodes in a delightfully catastrophic manner)

(Voyager)

Chakotay: !
Tuvok: !
Kim: !
Other Guy: !........Hey! (Paris)........Thankyou.
7: (takes finger off tractor beam controls) And that is that. (smiles)

(Shinassi)

Sh'noll: Thats it! Open a jump point, get us out of here!
Splork: Sir.......
Sh'noll: Don't 'sir' me! There are still 25 Cubes out there!
Splork: No sir, I was going to say that the jump engines are offline!
Sh'noll: Holy Vorlons! Can we repair them?
Splork: Not........really. They are 150 miles off our port bow.
Sh'noll: Oh. I can assume further damage then?
Splork: Safe assumption sir.

(Borg)

Collective: Hey, maybe that Queen thing isn't such a bad idea after all........
Collective: Hmmm..........no, WAIT!!!

(Voyager)

Chakotay: Perfect! Maximum weapons! Let's take these Borg down!

(Voyager starts blasting away, now, far more effectively, for some reason)

(Borg)

Collective: No! Why did we have to think that! WHYYYYYYYYYY!!!!

(Shinassi)

Splork: Sir! Unknown vessel has destroyed 3 of the Borg vessels!
Sh'noll: What? How?
Splork: I can't explain it! But the Borg have suddenly become slower, stupider and far weaker!
Sh'noll: Whatever. Full weapons. Fire!

(Shinassi and Voyager carve Borg cubes up, side by side. Voyager's torpedoes rip a Borg Cube apart, Shinassi destroys another with her Anti-Matter cannon)

(Borg)

Collective: Er, fire stuff! At that Minbari whatchamajigger!

(Cubes fire torpedoes, but slower, stupider ones. Shinassi manages to shoot the down this time, except for one)

Splork: Argh!

(Voyager)

Tuvok: It's working sir! The Borg have Voyagered quite nicely!
Chakotay: Good. Continue fire, all weapons.
Tuvok: Sir! The Shinassi's interceptor guns have failed! They have a torpedo coming at them!
Chakotay: Alter course! Full about!
Paris: Aye sir!

(Sninassi)

Sh'noll: Thats it. It's over. Begin praying everyone.
Splork: Praise Vorlon and Valen in all that is sacred.....
Kosh: Thankyou.
Splork: Wha...?

(Torpedo streaks in to hit the Shinassi and finish her off. But, at the last second, Voyager swoops in and takes the hit for the Shinassi!)

Torpedo: FOOM!

(Voyager)

Chakotay: Argh! (falls over)
Ceiling Support Beam: (crunch)
Paris: Oof!
Ship's shields: *dies*
Tuvok: Sir! Shields has failed! Torpedo launchers offline!
Chakotay: Phasers to full power!

(Voyager, now badly damaged, cruises slowly towards another Cube, firing phasers for all it's worth)

(Shinassi)

Sh'noll: Thank Valen! The humans.......they saved us!
Splork: Does that mean we can't betray them after the battle and butcher them for being humans?
Sh'noll: Yes.
Splork: Nuts.

(The Shinassi and Voyager continue to blast away. Phasers and Neutron cannons strike and annhilate the Borg. Debris is strewn everywhere!)

(Borg)

Collective: This sucks. Hey! We can retreat now! Voyager Borg get to retreat!
Collective: We're outta here.

(The 5 remaining Cubes jump to warp)

Sh'noll: What the...? Where did they go?!
Splork: According to my instruments, they accelerated to faster than light speeds!
Sh'noll: Without jump engines?
Splork: Yes sir!
Sh'noll: Huh. Neat. Say, where are our jump engines now?
Splork: There sir. And there. Also, there, there, there and there.
Sh'noll: Nertz.

(Voyager)

Chakotay: Whew. Lucky that's over. And lucky we were not blown up, as I'm starting to like this chair.
Tuvok: Sir, shall we begin recovering the escape pods?
Chakotay: Yeah okay. Begin with that one, with the fogged up windshield.
Tuvok: Aye sir. Scans indicate Commander Riker and Counselour Troi are onboard.
Chakotay:.............Ew.

(ISD Pod)

(Pod has been damaged, crap is strewn everywhere)

Darth: Well, that went nicely.
Data: Yeah. Hey look, Voyager is tractoring escape pods. Let's get in the queue, I hate waiting.
Geordi: Setting a course.....
Darth: So, what's this Voyager? What's their story?
Data: Well, they took a wrong turn after leaving Deep Space Nine, and we figured they either got blown to pieces, or wound up in the Delta Quadrant in an epic battle to struggle home, facing many dangers and moral dilemmas.
Darth: Uh huh. How did they get here so quick?
Data: That subspace tunnel must have helped.
Darth: Subspace....?
Geordi: Yeah, its a thing which we blame all our problems on.
Darth: Like what?
Geordi: You name it. Weird radiation, communication problems, hull breaches, crappy replicator food.
Darth: Wow. Whenever we have a problem, we blame it on an underling and promptly execute him.
Data: Impressive.
Geordi: Incoming transmission!
Kim: (over comm) Attention escape pod, we are preparing to engage tractor beam. Please fasten all seatbelts, and put your trays in an upright position. Also, remember to have correct change ready once you board our ship. Thankyou.
Data: (rustling in his pockets) Anyone got any quarters?

(Shinassi)

Splork: Sir, receiving transmission from Human Scum Vessel.
Sh'noll: On screen.
Chakotay: This is Captain .......shutup Tuvok.....Chakotay of the Federation Starship Voyager! On behalf of my crew, both the living and the dead, I thank you for fighting with us against the Borg.
Sh'noll: Our pleasure. We were considering betraying you after the battle, because we loathe humans a bit, when you guys killed Dukhat, but you saved us, so honour prevents us from destroying your vessel and scattering your atoms across space.
Chakotay: Um, no problem. Since when did you care about Dukat?
Sh'noll: I beg your pardon?!
Chakotay: What? He was a nutter! And a genocidal maniac! And that whole 'illegitimate child' thing......
Sh'noll: How dare you! He was the greatest of us! Our inspiration! He was brutally slayed by humans like yourselves!
Chakotay: Well, I think that's a slight exaggeration. Yeah, a human shoved him into a fire pit, but he died too, and it was for a good cause!
Sh'noll! Ack! This is unacceptable..........wait. Why are you spelling his name like that?
Chakotay: How can you tell?
Sh'noll: Shutup. This is curious. You seem to be talking of a different person. Tell me, have you ever encountered Minbari before?
Chakotay: Nah, all our aliens just have freaky foreheads.
Sh'noll: Hmm. And your vessel, puny as it is, does not match anything in our database. Well, this is a puzzle.
Chakotay: Yeah, blah blah. We get these things all the time. Hey, we don't have enough room in our shuttlebay for all these pods, can you take some and promise not to torture the humans?
Sh'noll: I suppose..........(crosses fingers).

Part 14 (the conclusion) coming ...........(i'm not saying soon)

[Mayabird]

Ahhhh, a light humor break from election day madness. Thanks. I needed that.

[Singular Quartet]

you guys did know the last chaper game out three months ago and no one commented?

You thought we were paying attention to this stuff?

[TurboPhaser]

you guys did know the last chaper game out three months ago and no one commented?

You thought we were paying attention to this stuff?

That stings.

[Singular Quartet]

As in "Paying attention to when it updates"

You hadn't updated in three months, so we didn't know whether or not you had actually updated, and we don't really pay attention to details.

[TurboPhaser]

Heh, I know, prolly shoulda added a ' '

Yes, no updates, my bad.

[Crazedwraith]

sarkin socrates! That was good!

[Captain Cyran]

Hehehe. All around amusing.

[TurboPhaser]

Hello folks. The final part is almost ready.

Part 14, which is the longest one, should be up tomorrow.

To give you a preview, I'll tell you it involves a Dominion attack, trouble with the Shinassi and Voyager returning home in spectacular fashion.

Until tomorrow....