StarDestroyer.Net BBS

technomage wrote:Drown them in it? That's an understatement.

PunkMaister, stories where the plot moves so fast that you can't even guess how much must be going on "behind the scenes" are in serious need of help. Another example of this problem are stories where the characters go from "who are you" to "my best friend" in 5 seconds flat.

Go back, and try this again. This time, try to think in terms of what you're missing. And if you can't figure it out, spend a few months reading fiction and fanfiction, then try again. At the very least, try to describe the characters' physical actions better, and to identify who's talking in a conversation. It can be very easy to lose track of who's talking in a conversation.

Well I do apreciate constructuve critcism such as yours...
I guess I need better examples than those posted at FF.NET for sure.
Because they have been my model for the most part.

I looked at the first sentence, and my eyes bled. Read it outloud to yourself, and if your brain doesn't immediately go "That doesn't sound right..." then you should stop writing entirely.

And exact;y what is wrong with this intro?

Tenel Ka looked in amazement at the mysterious Circular object that had been recently excavated near the ruins of the ancient Jedi temple that in her childhood was the Jedi academy, that seemed like eons now, when she and the Solo twins trained to become Jedi, how things had turned out so different from what they expected at that time had become all but a blur, now she was assigned as the Arquelogy director for the conservation and study of relics throughout the Empire.

If you could be more especific...

Anyway regarding the premise of the story of StarGate being found in the ruins of Yavin-4 and so on does it hold any promise or not..

1. It's a run-on sentence.

2. Bad grammar.

3. Bad spelling.

4. It's a mash of complete and incomplete thoughts.

5. It delivers enough information for a full paragraph.


Let's break this down a bit:

Tenel Ka looked in amazement at the mysterious Circular object that had been recently excavated near the ruins of the ancient Jedi temple that in her childhood was the Jedi academy,

Even just this part is too much. You capitalize 'circular' for no reason. The last phrase should be a complete sentence.

that seemed like eons now,

This should be a complete sentence and should add a couple of words to complete the thought.

when she and the Solo twins trained to become Jedi,

This should be edited down. We already know she attended the Jedi Academy, and the fact that she was with the Solo twins is largely extraneous, but that can be solved by making it another sentence instead of a continuation.

how things had turned out so different from what they expected at that time had become all but a blur,

Two thoughts hammered into one run-on series of words. It's fine up until "at that" which is where a complete thought is end-run by an incomplete one. Why are things a blur?

now she was assigned as the Arquelogy director for the conservation and study of relics throughout the Empire.

How did she get there? What exactly is her title and job? Your thought here is more than a little jumbled. And I assume that's supposed to be 'archeology' but spelled atrociously.

So, let's see what it looks like when you make the changes I suggested:

Tenel Ka looked in amazement at the mysterious circular object that had been recently excavated near the ruins of the ancient temple. In her childhood, that temple had been the Jedi academy. That seemed like eons ago now. Things had turned out very differently from what she had expected when she and the Solo twins trained to become Jedi. Memories of that time had become all but a blur, ever since she had become the Archeology Director; her job the conservation and study of relics throughout the Empire.

It still doesn't flow very well because there's simply too much to digest in the opening paragraph. You need to space things out a lot more than you are.

What Kuja pointed out but for another POV of that piss poor first *sentance*.

Tenel Ka looked in amazement at the mysterious Circular object that had been recently excavated near the ruins of the ancient Jedi temple that in her childhood was the Jedi academy, that seemed like eons now, when she and the Solo twins trained to become Jedi, how things had turned out so different from what they expected at that time had become all but a blur, now she was assigned as the Arquelogy director for the conservation and study of relics throughout the Empire.

It is a bad paragraph in ideas and thoughts. Off the bat you have her discover the object, tell the reader when it was discovered, and then have a poor flashback sequence. Finally you return to the present and state her job.

Your opener should have been stating her name, and what she's found. Next sentance state her position...if it MATTERS and then when the discovery happened. Expand upon the discovery.

Next paragraph can have her mind go off onto the past and present, if you want to keep it centered upon her.

A suggestion unless your character is named Wilhuff Tarkin III, it should be Grand Moff Tarkin or Grand moff (insert first name here) Tarkin. Grand moff is just a rank.

Thx for all the suggestions!
By the way...
Is there a damn edit button around here?
I don't see one!

PunkMaister wrote:Thx for all the suggestions!
By the way...
Is there a damn edit button around here?
I don't see one!

No, there isn't. You probably should do a serious edit and then repost.

In this forum, there is, actually. Top right corner. I would recommend leaving this as a testament to your present inexperiance, and then rewrite the whole thing, this time aiming higher.

PunkMaister wrote:Thx for all the suggestions!
By the way...
Is there a damn edit button around here?
I don't see one!

One last "suggestion." One of the forum rules deals with spelling and grammar. "Plz" and "Thx" are going to get you evil looks from mod staff.