Posted: 2005-01-15 04:04am
Prepare yourselves for another installment of UPF, again with recognition to MKSheppard and Darth Fanboy, without whom this story would not be possible.
I wish to warn readers that this chapter contains very dark themes and violent sexual degeneracy possibly worse than the crimes of Jeffery Dahmer. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Prelude...
[Assosciated Press Release]
Lord of the rings director Peter Jackson announced today the postponement of filming on the Lord of the Rings trilogy, saying a leading actor involved in the multimillion dollar remake of the classic literary trilogy had suffered an accident and was hospitalized. Sources close to the LOTR cast members and British authorities confirmed that Sir Ian McKellen had been flown to an undisclosed hospital in New Zealand after an incident in which the actor suffered severe injuries to his colon following what local witnesses described as a wild liquor drenched orgy involving several prominent members of the local Gay community and a large sheep.
[Entertainment Tonight]
Following actor Ian McKellen's sordid accident in New Zealand, the aging english actor has been hospitalized in intensive care as he battles complications arising from acts of homosexual abuse committed on him by what conflicting reports by witnesses describe as a PCP crazed male sheep. The sheep remains at large following the incident. LOTR director Peter Jackson expressed his sorrow at the condition of the actor, and said he plans to visit him. Jackson also announced that he was making a list of potential replacements for McKellen, as continued delays could cause potentially serious setbacks to his project.
[MOVIES Section, New York Times]
As english actor Ian McKellen continues his long and slow recovery from septicemia following his attack by a male sheep on the set of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, his agent announced that his contract for the role of Gandalf the Wizard had been cancelled, and he had been paid a severance. Director Peter Jackson said that although it was his "sincerest wish" to keep McKellen as Gandalf, he was forced by time and money constraints as well as his shooting schedule to recast the role. Tapped to play the character was American comedian and actor George Carlin.
(TERMINATOR theme song plays)
da da dum da da dum
UPF
da da dum da da dum
Chapter 22
da da dummm dumm da dummmmm
LORD
OF
THE
COCKRINGS
The scorched life pod tumbled end over end through space. For 6 weeks it had travelled through the void, it's course drawing a line back towards the asteroid field where, if one looked closely, they would find the wreckage of the Gnomish asteroid base, and that of the USS Enterprise. Inside the escape pod, if you were to float up and peek in through the blood spattered viewport, you would see a grisly abbatoir. And if the void of space could carry sound, then the dear reader might just hear the weak, raspy voice from within repeating the same insane mantra over and over again...
One-Two RayCav's coming for you
Three-Four gonna kill a whore
Five-Six he's cutting up chicks
Seven-Eight watch him mas-tur-bate
Nine-Ten RayCav lives again...
But before there was the deranged occupant in his lonely escape pod; before there was the transformation of Lt. Commander Data into a deranged sex criminal by the machinations of the notorious mobsters Sheppard and Falkenhorst, before the birth of the Federation or even the United States, there was the man called Raymond Wilson Cavendish.
Born of a prostitute mother and a cruel, red eyed halfbreed bounty hunter, this child of woe grew up in Salem Massachusets in the middle 17th Century. He grew up hard and he grew up mean and learned the woods and how to kill from his father, and the way of the streets from his mother. He grew up into a skinny but quick-witted and sharp eyed man, always chiseling the last shilling out of everyone he dealt with, drinking hard and fighting harder in the inns and seaports of the coastal towns. He became a modest trader of marginal success in Boston. Needless to say, like any criminal, Raymond Cavendish started out with a fantasy, and bit by bit, little by little he started turning it into a reality. First some hookers were found floating under the piers. Then the woman he had taken for his wife in Boston city turned up dead, seemingly mauled to death by wild dogs. Cavendish went to trial on the word of a girl who said she had witnessed him perpetrate the crime upon his wife, but the girl went insane before she could testify. Ostracized in the Boston community, he returned to the town of his birth and his father's life of the woods and trapping again.
Only it didn't end there. His lust and his rage grew and grew, and just like staring into the abyss, the abyss stares back. An old Indian told his grandson on his deathbed that one night in a dark cold swamp west of Salem, Satan sought out Ray Cavendish. It was there, the Indian said as he died, that he became RayCav, and from Satan that he recieved the power; to feed his pleasure on the blood of virgin womanhood. From there on, no-one knows how much is true, and how much is a nightmare. Soon after that came the incidents leading to the Salem witch trials. We in the modern age have our whitewashed historical renditions, those of Miller and the silver screen Hollywood treatment, but the truth, the mark of the guiding hand behind those dark events was so terrifying that just like a person whose innocence is destroyed by the hand of their father as a child, the memory of it was willfully erased from our consciousness.
The unspeakable molestations that occured, the demonic orgies of old women and little girls, the subliminal victory of RayCav, won in his master Satan's name in breaking the will of the good and righteous John Proctor, the incitement of the authorities to sentence the innocent to hang, the virulent black insanity that gripped Salem, all this was the work of RayCav. A careful investigation of the records of the time by the modern scholar will reveal serious inconsistencies in the population figures for Salem and the surrounding villages in the years leading up to and following the events of the Salem Witch trials. One will find evidence of both the reduction of the female population and tampering and doctoring of the records later.
Just as a coward dies a thousand deaths, so the legend goes, a hero only dies once. No-one knows for sure who among the townspeople finally found the courage in his soul to confront RayCav, but in all probability it was John Proctor. In a terrible struggle one cold autumn night following the conclusion of the trials and the petering out of the insanity for lack of fresh blood to slake it's dark thirst, the two battled to the death. John Proctor's body was found, the man dead of terrible injuries, human bite marks showing the wounds that killed him. Nearby his corpse, amid signs of a struggle, a puddle of blood soaked the ground around the base of a broad Oak Tree. Upon the Eastern face of the tree itself was the smoldering, charred imprint of a man, with a burnt pitchfork rammed several inches deep into the hardwood of the tree in the heart of the burnt shadow of him who had died there.
For years it was thought by those few whose souls are burdened with such dark lore that RayCav had passed back into the grasping arms of his master in the lake of fire, but this was not to be. One more time RayCav returned to the world of men to take his pleasure. In another small Massachussets town, not so long after the memory of Salem had scabbed over and begun to fade, the hand of RayCav steered the fate of 2 people towards a coupling that would spell terrible suffering for uncounted souls yet to be born.
That Reverend Dimmesdale and Hester Prynne fornicated and produced a child one night in the late 1600s is dramatized in Hawthorne's book, The Scarlet Letter. The book is thought to be fictitious, but this ignores the grain of horrible truth that lies buried in it, the truth that stares mockingly into the faces of all who see it, blissfully unaware of the creeping fate that stalks them. For the truth is that RayCav's spirit rose from Hell that night to inhabit a man's body once more, and on that night, Reverend Dimmesdale's will was not his own. The seed of RayCav was planted in the soil of mankind once again. Down through the ages, the seed slept dormant in the bloodline of Hester Prynne's daughter Pearl and all her children. In the 1800s, one of Pearl's granddaughters married a filing clerk for the railroad named Ebenezer Barclay, and they lived happily together, siring many children, all of whom unknowingly carried the seed of darkness wrapped unassumingly in their genetic code, waiting for the right moment.
A Barclay lost an arm in Burnside's bungled assault on the Crater at Petersburg, leading his brave black soldiers in that futile attack. His son caught syphillis in a brothel working as a horse groomer for Roosevelt's Rough Riders in the Spanish American war. One of his sons was a stock trader on wall street on black friday in 1929. A brother of his was one of only 3 survivors of a US Submarine in World War 2 that sank when a crew member carelessly jammed the exhaust valve on the pressurized latrine open when the boat dived.
And so it went, through the years, that members of that particular bloodline, while smart and ambitious, suffered extremely bad luck.
The latest member of the Barclay family suffered probably the worst stroke of bad luck in his life when he Ejected from the doomed USS Enterprise, NCC-1701-E as it exploded near the secret Gnomish Asteroid base. He and 4 other survivors had been adrift for 2 weeks in the escape pod when the rations gave out. As hunger and desperation began to set in, the seed of RayCav saw that at last the time was right, and the other survivors in the escape pod noticed that the eccentric Lieutenant Commander seemed to be looking at them like he was... Hungry.
4 Weeks later, the escape pod still tumbled through space, by now filled with the remnants of 4 occupants, recently deceased, and one very much alive and newly cannibalistic survivor. The change was almost complete now, and the man who had been known as Reginald Barclay gnawed scraps of flesh off Ensign Therese Sanchez's thigh bone as he jerked himself off furiously with his other hand. The man who had once been Reginald Barclay was gone. The seed had transformed him into an exact likeness of his long dead ancestor, RayCav; and RayCav had in turn transformed the escape pod into his own natural enviroment, the bulkheads splattered with the blood of his victims and his own dried cum. He threw his head back, blood and gristle dripping from his lips, and laughed in a squealing, almost inhuman voice as an idyllic planet began to loom in the single viewport.
The Pod bearing RayCav was finally dragged into the gravity well of the planet, which it's inhabitants knew as Middle Earth.
I wish to warn readers that this chapter contains very dark themes and violent sexual degeneracy possibly worse than the crimes of Jeffery Dahmer. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Prelude...
[Assosciated Press Release]
Lord of the rings director Peter Jackson announced today the postponement of filming on the Lord of the Rings trilogy, saying a leading actor involved in the multimillion dollar remake of the classic literary trilogy had suffered an accident and was hospitalized. Sources close to the LOTR cast members and British authorities confirmed that Sir Ian McKellen had been flown to an undisclosed hospital in New Zealand after an incident in which the actor suffered severe injuries to his colon following what local witnesses described as a wild liquor drenched orgy involving several prominent members of the local Gay community and a large sheep.
[Entertainment Tonight]
Following actor Ian McKellen's sordid accident in New Zealand, the aging english actor has been hospitalized in intensive care as he battles complications arising from acts of homosexual abuse committed on him by what conflicting reports by witnesses describe as a PCP crazed male sheep. The sheep remains at large following the incident. LOTR director Peter Jackson expressed his sorrow at the condition of the actor, and said he plans to visit him. Jackson also announced that he was making a list of potential replacements for McKellen, as continued delays could cause potentially serious setbacks to his project.
[MOVIES Section, New York Times]
As english actor Ian McKellen continues his long and slow recovery from septicemia following his attack by a male sheep on the set of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, his agent announced that his contract for the role of Gandalf the Wizard had been cancelled, and he had been paid a severance. Director Peter Jackson said that although it was his "sincerest wish" to keep McKellen as Gandalf, he was forced by time and money constraints as well as his shooting schedule to recast the role. Tapped to play the character was American comedian and actor George Carlin.
(TERMINATOR theme song plays)
da da dum da da dum
UPF
da da dum da da dum
Chapter 22
da da dummm dumm da dummmmm
LORD
OF
THE
COCKRINGS
The scorched life pod tumbled end over end through space. For 6 weeks it had travelled through the void, it's course drawing a line back towards the asteroid field where, if one looked closely, they would find the wreckage of the Gnomish asteroid base, and that of the USS Enterprise. Inside the escape pod, if you were to float up and peek in through the blood spattered viewport, you would see a grisly abbatoir. And if the void of space could carry sound, then the dear reader might just hear the weak, raspy voice from within repeating the same insane mantra over and over again...
One-Two RayCav's coming for you
Three-Four gonna kill a whore
Five-Six he's cutting up chicks
Seven-Eight watch him mas-tur-bate
Nine-Ten RayCav lives again...
But before there was the deranged occupant in his lonely escape pod; before there was the transformation of Lt. Commander Data into a deranged sex criminal by the machinations of the notorious mobsters Sheppard and Falkenhorst, before the birth of the Federation or even the United States, there was the man called Raymond Wilson Cavendish.
Born of a prostitute mother and a cruel, red eyed halfbreed bounty hunter, this child of woe grew up in Salem Massachusets in the middle 17th Century. He grew up hard and he grew up mean and learned the woods and how to kill from his father, and the way of the streets from his mother. He grew up into a skinny but quick-witted and sharp eyed man, always chiseling the last shilling out of everyone he dealt with, drinking hard and fighting harder in the inns and seaports of the coastal towns. He became a modest trader of marginal success in Boston. Needless to say, like any criminal, Raymond Cavendish started out with a fantasy, and bit by bit, little by little he started turning it into a reality. First some hookers were found floating under the piers. Then the woman he had taken for his wife in Boston city turned up dead, seemingly mauled to death by wild dogs. Cavendish went to trial on the word of a girl who said she had witnessed him perpetrate the crime upon his wife, but the girl went insane before she could testify. Ostracized in the Boston community, he returned to the town of his birth and his father's life of the woods and trapping again.
Only it didn't end there. His lust and his rage grew and grew, and just like staring into the abyss, the abyss stares back. An old Indian told his grandson on his deathbed that one night in a dark cold swamp west of Salem, Satan sought out Ray Cavendish. It was there, the Indian said as he died, that he became RayCav, and from Satan that he recieved the power; to feed his pleasure on the blood of virgin womanhood. From there on, no-one knows how much is true, and how much is a nightmare. Soon after that came the incidents leading to the Salem witch trials. We in the modern age have our whitewashed historical renditions, those of Miller and the silver screen Hollywood treatment, but the truth, the mark of the guiding hand behind those dark events was so terrifying that just like a person whose innocence is destroyed by the hand of their father as a child, the memory of it was willfully erased from our consciousness.
The unspeakable molestations that occured, the demonic orgies of old women and little girls, the subliminal victory of RayCav, won in his master Satan's name in breaking the will of the good and righteous John Proctor, the incitement of the authorities to sentence the innocent to hang, the virulent black insanity that gripped Salem, all this was the work of RayCav. A careful investigation of the records of the time by the modern scholar will reveal serious inconsistencies in the population figures for Salem and the surrounding villages in the years leading up to and following the events of the Salem Witch trials. One will find evidence of both the reduction of the female population and tampering and doctoring of the records later.
Just as a coward dies a thousand deaths, so the legend goes, a hero only dies once. No-one knows for sure who among the townspeople finally found the courage in his soul to confront RayCav, but in all probability it was John Proctor. In a terrible struggle one cold autumn night following the conclusion of the trials and the petering out of the insanity for lack of fresh blood to slake it's dark thirst, the two battled to the death. John Proctor's body was found, the man dead of terrible injuries, human bite marks showing the wounds that killed him. Nearby his corpse, amid signs of a struggle, a puddle of blood soaked the ground around the base of a broad Oak Tree. Upon the Eastern face of the tree itself was the smoldering, charred imprint of a man, with a burnt pitchfork rammed several inches deep into the hardwood of the tree in the heart of the burnt shadow of him who had died there.
For years it was thought by those few whose souls are burdened with such dark lore that RayCav had passed back into the grasping arms of his master in the lake of fire, but this was not to be. One more time RayCav returned to the world of men to take his pleasure. In another small Massachussets town, not so long after the memory of Salem had scabbed over and begun to fade, the hand of RayCav steered the fate of 2 people towards a coupling that would spell terrible suffering for uncounted souls yet to be born.
That Reverend Dimmesdale and Hester Prynne fornicated and produced a child one night in the late 1600s is dramatized in Hawthorne's book, The Scarlet Letter. The book is thought to be fictitious, but this ignores the grain of horrible truth that lies buried in it, the truth that stares mockingly into the faces of all who see it, blissfully unaware of the creeping fate that stalks them. For the truth is that RayCav's spirit rose from Hell that night to inhabit a man's body once more, and on that night, Reverend Dimmesdale's will was not his own. The seed of RayCav was planted in the soil of mankind once again. Down through the ages, the seed slept dormant in the bloodline of Hester Prynne's daughter Pearl and all her children. In the 1800s, one of Pearl's granddaughters married a filing clerk for the railroad named Ebenezer Barclay, and they lived happily together, siring many children, all of whom unknowingly carried the seed of darkness wrapped unassumingly in their genetic code, waiting for the right moment.
A Barclay lost an arm in Burnside's bungled assault on the Crater at Petersburg, leading his brave black soldiers in that futile attack. His son caught syphillis in a brothel working as a horse groomer for Roosevelt's Rough Riders in the Spanish American war. One of his sons was a stock trader on wall street on black friday in 1929. A brother of his was one of only 3 survivors of a US Submarine in World War 2 that sank when a crew member carelessly jammed the exhaust valve on the pressurized latrine open when the boat dived.
And so it went, through the years, that members of that particular bloodline, while smart and ambitious, suffered extremely bad luck.
The latest member of the Barclay family suffered probably the worst stroke of bad luck in his life when he Ejected from the doomed USS Enterprise, NCC-1701-E as it exploded near the secret Gnomish Asteroid base. He and 4 other survivors had been adrift for 2 weeks in the escape pod when the rations gave out. As hunger and desperation began to set in, the seed of RayCav saw that at last the time was right, and the other survivors in the escape pod noticed that the eccentric Lieutenant Commander seemed to be looking at them like he was... Hungry.
4 Weeks later, the escape pod still tumbled through space, by now filled with the remnants of 4 occupants, recently deceased, and one very much alive and newly cannibalistic survivor. The change was almost complete now, and the man who had been known as Reginald Barclay gnawed scraps of flesh off Ensign Therese Sanchez's thigh bone as he jerked himself off furiously with his other hand. The man who had once been Reginald Barclay was gone. The seed had transformed him into an exact likeness of his long dead ancestor, RayCav; and RayCav had in turn transformed the escape pod into his own natural enviroment, the bulkheads splattered with the blood of his victims and his own dried cum. He threw his head back, blood and gristle dripping from his lips, and laughed in a squealing, almost inhuman voice as an idyllic planet began to loom in the single viewport.
The Pod bearing RayCav was finally dragged into the gravity well of the planet, which it's inhabitants knew as Middle Earth.
