Madam President, as Director of Homeland Security, I've prepared a speech to be read when we further the arm of the United States in the war on terror. Hopefully, this will strengthen our position amongst the AMerican people and get them further behind us. Now imagine this said with a Zap Branagan voice and inflection.
*ahem*
My fellow Americans, good evening. Today my office received a chilling report on the growing threat in the Middle East. Today, a credible piece of intelligence has reach us and we feel it is in the best interest of National Security for the nation to know, so you at home may be constantly vigil in helping protect our nation.
Last week, intelligence officials intercepted a plan by top Al-Qaeda operatives that a new wave of terror attacks will be launched against our fair nation. This threat is not colliding planes into our buildings or unleashing terrifying biological agents, but much worse. I regret to inform you that we have received credible information that Al-Qaeda terror cells, already within the continental United States, are going to attack our most defenseless citizens. They are going to eat our babies.
That's right, Al-Qaeda agents are hungry for a soylent green sub, the fresher the better. Just last week, a video released by Osama bin Ladin, which we believe to be authentic, said this weighted line.
"Next week, we will launch a wave of mighty strikes against the Zionists and Crusaders, which will secure our freedom, Allah willing."
You heard him. But what freedom? It's clear that it's the freedom to eat our babies. And not just the "Zionist" babies. He clearly says Crusader as well, meaning that he won't just be staying kosher in his sick scheme. My fellow Americans, there could be Al-Qaeda agents in your town right now, just waiting for you to lower your guard to dig into some fresh long piglet. Even now, they could be there, watching you for that moment of unattentiveness, and BAM! Your baby is served on a bed of couscous in a tangy orange sauce.
To counteract this threat, I am offically raising the Alert Level of our nation to Color X-Ray, and want Americans to be on constant watch for terrorists. They could be your friends, neighbors, anyone. If you suspect that even your own grandmother is a baby eatin' terrorist, call the toll free number at the end of this address. You could win a free Department of Homeland Security baseball cap if the terrorist is convicted!
Finally, Americans should not be alarmed and should go about their daily lives as normal, and get out there and help the economy by spending their money.
Thank you and God bless America.
