StarDestroyer.Net BBS

UNNAMED PORNO FANFIC, XXVIII

(Authors Note: This is a one-shot SW based chapter that takes place after AoTC and before RoTS)

*TRAILER*

"Judge me by my size do you?"

"Well I errrr ummmm....."

"Judge me by my size you should!"

*END TRAILER*

EPISODE TWENTY EIGHT: "THE RED LIGHTSABER DISTRICT!" or "YODA NEEDS ASS!"


In a back alley behind the Jedi Temple, the young Twi'lek prostitute raised her hands to her mouth, cupping them over her mouth to stifle what would have been a loud gasp. Deela had not been a whore for long but she was at least smart enough to know that additional noise could bring unwanted attention, especially where her diminuitive green customer had paid her an additional fifty credits for the discretion required.

She had come to Coruscant to find work as a dancer, hoping to make a small fortune catering to the wealthy elite in the Republic capital and return to Ryloth when her looks started to fade. However Strippers in Coruscant didn't make much money, Twi'lek girls were a decicred a dozen on Coruscant and those who did make a living were usually indentured to one client and only paid modestly. One of her fellow dancers, a Gran, had mentioned that she could make a little extra money on the side. With the ubermoralist and doctrinal conservative Benedict Palpatine elected to the Chancellor's position, there had been a steep shortage of 'working girls.'

Coruscant wasn't a safe place, so she decided to stay within a few blocks of the Jedi temple for a little added security, the Coruscant Fuzz didn't patrol this area much and the Jedi didn't really care much about petty crime in the area. In fact more often than not there were a few Padawans dealing spice on the corners. It was either the best rumour she had ever heard or one of the most scandalous secrets that the Jedi were dealing smack in order to fund their order. But it made sense, top of the line starfighters, lightsabers, and the most advanced computer technology in the galaxy didn't come cheap. The Jedi tolerance around the temple made the area known as "The Red Lightsaber District."

It was getting late in the evening and Deela hadn't even been propositioned, what with most people keeping indooors for the latest reports on the Clone Wars and she was about to go home when a small figure covered in robes approached her, he was walking with a cane, make a tapping sound against the pavement.

"Dangerous out here, it can be, for a pretty girl such as you hmmm?"

Deela looked over at him, about ready to just shrug him off and head home, but something in the back of her head caused her to look over at the pint sized being and respond.

"Its all right, besides i'm looking for some company anyway."

"Found some you have, yes?"

"I don't think we mean the same thing..."

The little alien started chuckling, a bizarre laugh that would have been cute had it not been near a dark alley past midnight.

"Understand you well, I do believe, credits I do have."

Deela was able to limit the shock on her face, nearly offended that he would look at her and assume she was a whore, but she sighed to herself, fully aware that is in fact what she was.

"Follow me, for discretion, extra I will pay."

She had followed him to the back alley, there was a small area that the security cameras of the area did not manage to cover, one of thousands of such places all over the Capital District, but these places were largely patrolled, except here in the Red Lightsaber District. They stopped, pausing behind a dumpster. The small man paid his credits and handed her the extra.

"Paying well I am, for one so new at this."

Deela's eyes widened, "How did you know that I..."

It was then that Yoda removed the hood from over his head.

"Oh I understand now, you're a member of the Council, I see you in the holos all the time. You must be the greatest force user on the council!"

"Ohhh, ummm, yess powerful Yoda is..." Yoda, contrary to popular belief, was not a humble man, but damned if he didn't cover for his lack of force talent with cryptic wisdom that made everyone think he was a genius. MAce Windu, Plo Koon, hell even those fuckers Kenobi and Skywalker were tougher, the only reason Yoda had beaten Dooku at Geonosis was because there is nothing more disconcerting that have a little green dwarf chuck himself at you flinging a lightsaber uncontrollably. Dooku had not been bested as Yoda had reported, but had fled to his ship laughing so hard that he was unable to summon the Force to kill all three Jedi he faced. "...but secret, this encounter must be."

"Don't worry hon, you can trust me."

Yoda sensed her with the force again, this bitch was going to rat him out. Normally that was cause enough to carve her into unrecognizeable body parts with the lightsaber and leave her in the nearby dumpster, pass her off to the authorities as a Padawan lightsaber accident. But living for the better part of a millenium comes with a price, erections came only once every hundred years or so. The Jedi Code forbade attatchment but did not explicitly forbid carnal relations, which was why many Jedi frequented prostitutes around and near the temple, or were castrated as infants like Mace Windu. NOw that would be a shock, Mace Windu had the biggest bantha in the herd but lacked the horns. At any rate, Yoda's raging hormones were in overdrive, he had to get laid, and this was the only decent looking whore on the whole block. He wasn't concerned though, the Force would take care of him.

Deela watched as Yoda began removing his robes and undoing his belt, her face contorted into a discerning smirk as she wondered what it was she could actually do for him.

"Judge me by my size do you?"

"Well I errrr ummmm....."

"Judge me by my size you should!"

Deela finally uncupped her hands from her mouth, the shock of the giant twenty five inch penis with 8 inch girth caused her eyes to nearly force their way out of their sockets. It was like a large green Ryloth Jungle Python sticking straight out of a mound of unkempt greay pubic hair. Her lekku twitched nervously and uncontrollably. Yoda could see the shock on her face and feel her surprise through the Force, it aroused him to no end, almost as much as it would arouse him to stretch this girl enough so that they could land a few LAATs. Deela dropped to her knees and took it into her hands, cupping it and flicking the tip of her tongue outwards to stroke the soft supple skin, but before she could gingerly and tenderly pleasure her client, yoda used the force to push on the back of her skull and suppress her gag reflex, Deela's head slid all the way...

2 Hours later

Yoda had finally finished using the Force to purge Deela's memories of the encounter. He was sorely tempted to take his money back also, but the payment for services rendered provided him with enough emotional attachment so that he was still in line with the Jedi Code. Deela had collapsed and Yoda had tossed her into the dumpster and covered her with her coat, so that her gaping fuckholes would not catch a draft. The passed out Deela would awake in the back of a Waste Management Hovertruck about two kilometers from the temple.

Yoda sighed, it would be another hundred years or so before he could do this again, and his cock had reverted to its regular marginal state. He felt demeaned and embarassed for requiring a prostitute, but it was still better than the estimated 4% of Jedi Masters who molested their Padawans.

Holy Fuck!


Mace Motherfucking Windu is a eunuch?

Yoda has an erection longer than he is?

The only thing I have issue with is you dissing the Muppet from Helll's skills. Everyone knows that he didn't lift the X-wing out of the swamp, he moved the planet down and away from the X-wing.

"Hrmmm, Sense a disturbance in your ass I do."
"Strong in this one is my Force, yes?"
"Around the Bukkakke whores, a circle-jerk create."
"Abstinence, Blue Balls, a Jedi seeks not these things."

That was fucking impressive. My nose still burns from the soda I shot through it an hour ago while reading this.

loved the last line

I read this a while ago but just got around to posting. You guys rock!!!

So Im using my not-so-1337 photoshopping skills and I get a flash for inspiration, here now is the ORIGINAL DRAFT FOR THE

UPF MOVIE POSTER



oooh shiney

you should include a trail of shit floatin behind the ENT-E, and a few random cans of TRILL SOUP MIX drifting in space.

Falkenhorst wrote:you should include a trail of shit floatin behind the ENT-E, and a few random cans of TRILL SOUP MIX drifting in space.

Look closely, there is a brown trail coming out the back of the ship.

The Spartan wrote:

Falkenhorst wrote:you should include a trail of shit floatin behind the ENT-E, and a few random cans of TRILL SOUP MIX drifting in space.

Look closely, there is a brown trail coming out the back of the ship.

Yeah, but that's the Ent-Sr, not the Ent-D.

That is the E-E and there is indeed a trail of feces, obscured in part by the title.

UNNAMED PORNO FANFIC XXIX:

Tuvok's Gambit OR Sven of Nine

"The logical thing to do in your predicament would be..."

"You screwed somebody over for the last time you stupid fuck! Shut your mouth!"

The room was filled with the haze of what seemed like the hundreds of smoked cigarettes that now overflowed in the ashtray. Bound tighty with rope and barbed wire, Tuvok's imprisonment had entered its third day. Chaktoay fumbled with the now empty pack of black market Marlboro 100s, desperately seeking a solution to his dilemma.

Chakotay had made a small fortune after VOyager had returned to the Alpha Aquadrant. While it was Janeway who reaped the benefits from starfleet the private sector had been far kinder to the more marketable Chakotay and his equally marketable partner Seven of Nine. It was largely due to his popularity that many of the Maquis were spared imprisonment upon returning home. In fact, most of the Maquis except for a convicted horse banger who joined the Maquis as a way to evade Federation Authorities. In Ensign Trinity's case it was the prized steed of one Commodore Potter, and the good Admiral had arranged for the poor Ensign to be locked in an escape podwith malfunctioning life support systems and abandoned for a few hours near Talos IV. The next day he was rescued, and delivered to the nearest starbase for his trial and execution. Habeas Corpus, one of the few freedoms that survived following the twenty seven year Bush Administration during the early 21st century, was still in effect.

Chakotay's fortunes had made him a target though. Tuvok, as head of security, had always resented the inclusion of Maquis into his crew and once the Alpha Quadrant was in sight he had begun making his own plans. Logic dictated to him that this would be a sublime opportunity to cash in on years of dark secrets and sordid events. But between Neelix asexually reproducing in the stew, Belanna's klingon sex-toy gaining sentinence and murdering four crewmen, and the potential groundbreaking discoveries in new areas of science, nothing was profitable. Nothing attracted attention except for one thing.

Chakotay and Seven were a couple. But not in the way everyone thought. For you see, seven of nine was not what she appeared to be. It was true she had been but a child before her family had been captured and assimilated by the Borg, it was true that for many years her humanity had been suppressed by the cold mechanical ambitions of the Borg. But there was another part of her that no one knew. Tuvok knew her secret, and that same secret would bring down Chakotay as well. Tuvok knew everyone's secret on Voyager, being head of security he was able to unlock any door on the ship, and while the crew slept he would perform his mind melds on them, sometimes transplanting mental images of himself in the subconscious of females he had an eye for. During his prowling one night Tuvok had discovered Sevens greatest secret, and the reason for her designation seven of nine.

There were trillions of Borg in the galaxy, so for Seven to be one of but nine others was an oddity, especially in a collective that considered all of its members as one cohesive entity. Subdividing into small groups had never made sense. But Seven was one of nine experimental subjects for a secret Borg project. The Borg had been experimenting with new ways to produce superior Queens. While the current one functioned sufficiently, tactical failures at Earth had led the Collective to attempt to develop new queens. HOwever the Borg, caught up in their quest for perfection, made several neglectful errors. In their effort to turn one borg drone into a new Queen, they completely disregarded the Gender, unfortunately the emulation process they were using to translate the Queen program into the subject mimicked the original too well. The biologically male drone suddenly began assuming female characteristics, to make things worse, few of the intelligence upgrades had taken effect. Worser still, only one subject out of the nine survived, the male drone formerly known as Sven.

Seven of Nine was actually Sven of Nine. Seven, was a man...

The EMH had been unable to fully recover her humanity, Tuvok and countless other male officers aboard the ship had flocked to the medical bay during her reconstructive surgeries in order to get a good look at her nude form. All were sorely disappointed as the Doctor sadly stated he could not remove the integrated genital plating, Tuvok silently cursed as he had already made plans to hack the security cameras in sickbay and auction off the archived footage. Women were scarce on Voyager, aside from Janeway anything with two legs and something resembling a Vagina was a hot commodity. But never in his wildest dreams had Tuvok guessed Seven was possibly male! To think of how many sleepless nights he spent jerking off to fantasies of ravaging her womanhood, fantasies which never had a chance of succeeding.

After the return of Voyager he immediately set to work writing his tell all, slowly biding his time until Chakotay was popular enough to exploit. That popularity had just hit its peak when Tuvok confronted him, hoping to potentially blackmail him and spare him the effort. Chakotay, being a paranoid and untrusting bastard had excused himself to use the restroom during their meeting and then flooded the room with Trellium gas. Tuvok, high as a kite and in no position to use the Vulcan nerve pinch, was quickly dragged to the remote cellar somewhere in the Nevada desert, bound tightly.

"You can't hide it forever Chakotay, one of these days Sven's secret is going to come out, and the fact that you knew it is going to come out as well! Then the idol to women, hero of the Delta Quadrant is going to have his woman outed as a man, and your star is going to fall."

"You don't think I know that? I mean sure it was awkward at first but as long as I keep fucking her...ermmmm...him...in the ass and as long as Seven errrrmmm Sven keeps that voluptious rack I can pretend he's a she all I want! Men all over the Federation would kill just for a chance to feel one of those tits!"

"But would the feel the same way in order to grope one of her nuts?"

Chakotay cursed and kicked the chair over backwards, taking a large machete into his hand and turning on a nearby television in order to drown out Tuvok's piercing statements.

"You are lucky I can't just kill you now Tuvok, if I did and that bitch JAneway found out i'd never be able to..."

Suddenly the New Reporter on the TV set began speaking in an urgent voice. "This just in, Admiral Kathryn Janeway, leader of the Voyager Expedition and all around bitch, has been confirmed dead today. The victim of murder in a Tijuana motel. Authorities suspect that whomever did this had an extreme dislike for Admiral Janeway, which narrows down the suspects to everyone in the entire world except for one man who goes by the name Stravo, who has launched a largely ignored effort to hunt down the killer."

Chakotay grinned. With Janeway dead, there was nobody left who had any dirt on him or any of his operations he ran on Voyager. Janeway was too well guarded, when she assumed the position of Admiral she had become so paranoid as to be literally the most guarded person on Earth. But now all that was left in the way of potential threats was Tuvok, and that pointy eared bastard was lying broken and beaten on the floor tied to a chair. He wielded the machete and began putting on an apron similar to what a butcher would wear before climbing onto Tuvok.

"Did you hear the good news? Lameway is gone, gone for good, I guess the news isn't good for you though."

Chakotay raised the blade into the air and brought it down hard on Tuvok's forehead, causing a deep SPLUTCH. Blood trickled into Tuvok's eyes causing his vision to go red, and it stayed red for a short time until it eventually faded to black.

The killing was complete but the job was far from over, as Chakotay began the arduous task of hacking the body into pieces, small enough so that they could be disperesed throughout the desert but large enough so that the carrion eating animals would find them quickly. His secrets now safe, he could begin focusing his attention on his pet project. Restoring the Maquis porn ring.


~Fin~

Author's Note:

Hey SHep and Falk, we gotta make the next chapter super deadly vu because its gonna be UPF XXX!

Damn it! That's the sickest and funniest shit I've read in a while.

Seven is really named Sven? Heh.

And damn is that sick and twisted. Impressive fanboy.

In Commemoration of the upcoming Episode 30 for UPF I'll be doing a few nifty little things for y'alls. Hey Lucas, you going Epsiode THREE coming out, well we gots THIRTY. UPF is the PREMIERE Sci Fi Institution of the 21st century.

Here now is the semi-official UPF Body Count

UPF Deathlist:

-Medical Technician (Episode 2, shot to death by Frankie and Seppo)
-Malcom Reed V (Episode 2, liposuctioned to death by Frankie and Seppo)
-Jean Luc Picard (Episode 3, Died when Wesley Crusher was shoved up his ass by Frankie, Seppo, and Data)
-Wesley Crusher (Episode 3, Disembowled and head shoved up Picard's Ass by Frankie, Seppo, and Data)
-Ferengi Whore* (Episode 4, Overdosed Bajoran Angel Dust by Odo prior to killing Quark)
-Quark (Episode 4, confirmed killed by Ferengi Whore in Episode 7)
-Jake Sisko (Episode 8, shot execution style by Nog while fellating Bashir)
-Julian Bashir (Episode 8, shot in his ruined eye socket by Nog)
-Senator Timothy Jones (Episode 9, assassinated by Gnomes who rigged explosives to his Jet Ski)
-"Fifty Civilians, Numerous Security Personnel" (Episode 9, Killed when Benjamin Sisko went postal with his phaser)
-Benjamin Sisko (Episode 9, finally gunned down by Federation security forces)
-Ensign John Clark****(Episode 12, accidentally disintegrated himself with a phaser)
-Super Doomsday Machine (Episode 12, choked to death on huge ball of Frozen Semen)
-"Two Human Flunkies"* (Episode 13, killed by Narn Gangsters in Ivanova's apartment via chainsaw)
-Gnome Gamma Three (Episode 14 prequel, Hammerblow to the skull by Fanboy)
-Gnome Gamma Two (Episode 14 prequel, crushed to death against a bulkhead by Fanboy)
-Gnome Gamma Four (Episode 14 prequel, spine snapped and then burned to death by Fanboy's flamethrower)
-Gnome Gamma One (Episode 14 prequel, Impaled in the head by a metal spike thrown by Fanboy)
-Gnome Beta Team (Episode 14 prequel, ambushed and killed by Fanboy)
-Gnome Delta Team (Episode 14 prequel, dumped into space by Fanboy)
-Gnome Alpha Four (Episode 14 prequel, beheaded by Fanboy)
-Gnome Alpha Three (Episode 14 prequel, Head caved in by Fanboy)
-Gnome Alpha Two (Implaed by Fanboy's boat oar)
-Colonel Lilliput/Alpha One (Killed aboard the Gnomish ship when the bomb he was duct taped to exploded)
-Crew of Gnome Ship (Episode 14 prequel, killed by Fanboy's bomb)
-Kojikun (Episode 14, executed by Frank Hipper for praising the Gnomes over GALE and recycled into pet food)
-Informant (Episode 14, shot in the head with a disruptor pistol by Zaia)
-Gnome Spawn (Episode 14, devoured by Darth Garden Gnome after it imprinted Falkenhorst as its daddy)
-Misc. Porn Dealers (Episode 14, undetermined casualties from Zaia's first barrage w/ machine gun fire)
-Misc. Gnomes (Episode 14, burned to death by Fanboy's flamethrower)
-Misc. Gnome (Episode 14, Impaled and disembowled by Fanboy)
-Misc. Gnome (Episode 14, beheaded by Fanboy)
-Misc. Porn Dealers (Episode 14, executed by Zaia as she was ensuring victims were all dead)
-Darth Garden Gnome* (Episode 14, shot up by Zaia's SMG)
-Misc. Gnome (Episode 14, beheaded by the Einhander's cock)
-Guinan (Episode 14, sucked into space through a hull breach caused by Data)
-"Squad of Security Guards" (Episode 14, brutally killed by Data)
-Geordi LaForge (Episode 14, stuffed in the matter/antimatter mixture chamber by Data and killed when it ignited)
-Crewmen of the USS Enterprise-E (Episode 14, undetermined number killed after the ship exploded)
-Crewmen of the USS Defiant (Episode 15, undetermined number killed in battle with Zeon forces)
-Crewmen of unidentified Intrepid-class (Episode 15, undetermined number killed in battle with Zeon forces)
-Jabba's Twin Brother (Episode 16, devoured by a Sarlaac)
-Brian Eyci (Episode 16, gunned down by Boba Fett after being expelled from Jabba's bowels)
-Lieutenant Arminus (Episode 19, killed by Riker for insubordination and his body eaten)
-Misc. Gnomes (Episode 19, "Dozens" confirmed killed and impaled on the Einhander's cock)
-Lieutenant Anderson (Episode 19, impaled on the Einhander's cock)
-Unknown Federation Officer (Episode 19, used as human shield by Riker and shot by the HAB)
-Three HAB Operatives (Episode 19, Killed by their Team Leader as a way of showing loyalty to the Great Leader)
-Personnel at Starfleet Headquarters (Episode 19, Undetermined number killed when Frigidmagi accidentally burned down Starfleet HQ)
-Kelly Antilles*** (Episode 21, Shot by Shep for $5 from Durandal)
-Misc. Gnome*** (Episode 21, mistaken for an EL Fudge and eaten by Spanky)
-17th Century Hookers (Episode 22, undetermined number found dead under a pier in Boston)
-Wife of Raymond Cavendish (Episode 22, mauled to death by Raymond Cavendish who was acquitted)
-Undetermined number of casualties (Episode 22, victims of RayCav near Salem during the 17th Century)
-John Proctor (Episode 22, killed from his injuries sustained while battling RayCav)
-RayCav (Episode 22, first incarnation killed by John Proctor's pitchfork)
-Ensign Therese Sanchez (Episode 22, killed and eaten by the RayCav-Possessed Reginald Barclay)
-Three additional survivors of the Enterprise E (Episode 22, killed and eaten by the RayCav-Possessed Reginald Barclay)
-John Clark****(Episode 25, killed when Spock found spit in his burger destroyed the McDonalds Space Station)
-Jesse Stamos (Episode 25, killed when Spock found spit in his burger destroyed the McDonalds Space Station)
-Employees and Customers of McDonalds Space Station #452 ((Episode 25, undetermined number killed when the space station was destroyed)
-Cannon Fodder Hippies (Episode 25, undetermined number killed during battle with wild animals)
-Legolas Greenleaf (Episode 26, shot by Sheppard and then crushed by Falk's Cadillac)
-Elven Soldiers (Episode 26, undetermined number shot to death by Falkenhorst at Rivendell)
-Lieutenant Killjoy (Episode 27, killed while being anally violated by a Borg Drone as the USS Queensland exploded
-Borg Drones (Episode 27, undetermined number killed by Australians aboard the USS Queensland)
-Australians (Episode 27, undetermined but small number killed by Borg Drones aboard the USS Queensland)
-Gustav Vasa (Episode 27, spaced out of an airlock by Chekov after lopsided vote)
-Assenine X (Episode 27, spaced out of an airlock by Chekov after lopsided vote)
-Crewmen of the Enterprise Senior (Episode 27, Undetermined number of executions for incompetence by Chekov)
-Borg Drones (Episode 27, undetermined number killed when the Borg Cube and USS Queensland exploded)
-Tuvok (Episode 29, abducted and killed by Chakotay's machete)


Notes:
*-Presumed but not confirmed dead
**-In Episode 18 Mr. T pitied some Ten Billion-plus Klingons but did not kill any, but the ass whooping was so bad it was even worse.
***-There is a debate regarding Episode 21's canon status within UPF
****-Two different John Clarks, representing two fabulous possibilities

An undetermined number means a minimum of at least two guaranteed.

Non-sentinents do not count.

Also, reminiscing about deaths that did not take place during the story itself do not factor into this list. So while Quark's death even though it wasn't depicted technically counts, Tuvok's reminiscing about Belanna's sex toy killing 4 crewmen on the Voyager does not.

Episode Summaries of the Unnamed Porno Fanfic in commemoration of UPF Episode XXX


-EPISODE I: Untitled, by Sheppard and Falkenhorst, posted Sat Nov 23, 2002

The first episode of the series released from Shep's SECRET FANFIC VAULT OF DOOM(tm). Bashir attempts to smuggle pornography in the Bajor system through DS9 by concealing it within Trill Soup Mix. Sisko encounters an open can enroute to Bajor though and is confronted about the problem by the Kai.

-EPISODE II: Untitled, by Sheppard and Falkenhorst, posted Sun Nov 24, 2002

Smut peddlers Sheppard and Falkenhorst travel to the estate of Malcom Reed V with an interest in acquiring large stockpiles of pornography, and they have no intention of paying for it.

-EPISODE III: Untitled, by Sheppard and Falkenhorst, posted Fri Nov 29, 2002

Jean Luc Picard's gay porn productions have been discovered by Sheppard and Falkenhorst, who decide to dispatch hired guns Frankie and Seppo to pay a visit.

-EPISODE IV: 2002 Untitled Christmas Special, by Falkenhorst and Sheppard, posted Thu Dec 12, 2002

Sisko orders Eddington to do a complete security inspection of the station. Odo and Bashir decide to conceal their shady dealings by framing Quark. In the Star Wars galaxy, Emperor Palpatine uncovers a rude surprise after having his way with a pleasure model Human Replica Droid.

-EPISODE V: Untitled, by Sheppard and Falkenhorst, posted Sun Feb 09, 2003

As the depraved crew of the Enterprise E engage in every form of sexual activity they can, an innocent mistake causes a large volume of urine to enter the ship's ventilation system, creating a rancid smell piror to the ship's annual inspection.

-EPISODE VI: LOST EPISODE

-EPISODE VII: Untitled, by Falkenhorst with material from Darth Fanboy and Crayz9000, posted Sat Jun 28, 2003

Sisko's search for the source of DS9's pornography hits close to home as he discovers Jake in a traumatic state. Meanwhile, Bashir's predations on the crippled Nog are interrupted by Frankie and Seppo.

-EPISODE VIII: Untitled, by Sheppard and Falkenhorst, posted Sat Aug 02, 2003

Sheppard and Falkenhorst hand over the torture of Bashir to their new associate, Nog, who takes revenge on his tormentor Bashir and on Jake, who paralyzed him.

-EPISODE IX: Untitled, by Sheppard and Falkenhorst with material from Illuminatus Primus, posted Sun Aug 03, 2003

A prominent Federation senator is assassinated by the Gnomes. Sisko goes insane after the death of his son and his failure to stop the porn syndicate on DS9 and is eventually gunned down. Tom Paris replaces Sisko, bringing his assistant Stravo along with him.

-EPISODE X: Shit Begins To Happen, by Sheppard, posted Tue Aug 05, 2003

Troi attempts to get back at Worf and Riker by infecting their replicators with a bacteria that induces explosive diarrhea. When all of the replicators become infected however it is up to the crew of the E-E to find a solution to the overwhelming amount of feces they are producing. Admiral Janeway orders Riker to investigate the Gnomes.

-EPISODE XI: The Gnomes Don't Show Up (Yet), But Lots of Others Do!, by Sheppard, Sun Oct 26, 2003

Captain Hyperion crashes a large tanker carrying semen to the Female dominated Principality of Zeon, contaminating the planet Oberon VI. Admiral Janeway makes a powerful enemy in the form of Zeon's leader, the Duchess Marina O'leary. The Duchess dispatches her top agent Zaia with orders to kill Janeway and recover the money spent. Janeway diverts the Enterprise to Oberon VI for cleanup duty before they leave for Gnomish territory. LaForge suffers a grave injury to his loins while doing unnatural things to the ship.

-EPISODE XII: The Clean Up, by Sheppard, posted Sun Oct 26, 2003

After using the tractor beam to remove most of the spilled semen from Oberon VI, an icy cum ball is left to drif tthrough space where it encounters the new and improved Doomsday Machine. Riker "dispatches" Section M led by Andrew Joshua Talon in order to "oversee the cleanup".

-EPISODE XIII: Untitled Babylon 5 Chapter, by Falkenhorst, posted Mon Feb 02, 2004

Tom Riker is dispatched to Babylon 5, where Garibaldi helps him gain access to the station. The Narns show they aren't to be fucked with while playing cards and taking turns having their way with Ivanova. Zack Allan admires the porn ring he has developed.

-EPISODE XIV PREQUEL: You Must Be This Tall To Survive, by Darth Fanboy, posted Tue Dec 28, 2004

A prequel written especially for the fan-favorite Chapter 14. Fanboy lures the gnomes onto a derelict Ferengi Marauder with Romulan porn in an attempt to slaughter them.

-EPISODE XIV: OH GOD NO IT'S BACK, by Sheppard, posted Wed Dec 15, 2004

The fateful meeting at the Gnomish Asteroid takes place, with the heads of the largest porn cartels gathering to divide the quadrant. Riker and his away team are captured when they fail to infiltrate the meeting, which is disrupted anyway by simultaneous attacks from Fanboy and Zaia. Nog decides to attack the GALE Flagship, which frees the Einhander from captivity and allows him to run free aboard the asteroid. Brutal fighting breaks out between the various factions, resulting in many dead porn dealers and many dead gnomes. Sheppard and Falkenhorst hire Fanboy to help them escape the asteroid when the path of their ship is blocked. As the Enterprise waits for word from Riker, Geordi concocts a plan to restore his manhood by using Datas cybernetic cock and balls. When Geordi's attempt to disable Data fails Data goes on a rampage and initiates a warp core breach after murdering several crewmen.

-EPISODE XV: The Violation of Miles O'Brien, by Darth Fanboy and Sheppard with material from Duchess of Zeon, posted Thu Dec 16, 2004

Keiko O'Brien has finally had enough of the brutal treatment she is given by her husband Miles. She knocks him unconscious and captures him using plants before stealing arunabout which will allow her to escape to the Principality of Zeon. In Zeon, she hopes, she could market her vegetable based sex toys earning her a fortune, as well as being granted the legal right to take vengeance on Miles. Tom Paris attempts to thwart her escape but his modern Federation task force is routed by Innerbrat and her trio of refitted D7s at the border.

-EPISODE XVI: The Butt of the Hutt is the Passage to the Gut, by Darth Fanboy with material from Falkenhorst, posted Wed Jan 05, 2005

Jabba the Hutt is suffering from horrible constipation, and it is up to the fledgling mercenary Elfdart to relieve the problem by any means necessary. Inside Jabba's bowels, a terrible secret from the Hutt's past awaits.

-EPISODE XVII: LOST EPISODE

-EPISODE XVIII: This Chapter Sucks, by Darth Fanboy with material from Falkenhorst, posted Wed Jan 12, 2005

Worf is ordered to travel back in time to procure the fiercest human warrior of all time. Mr. T is taken back to Q'onos. UPF fans ponder whether or not the franchise has jumped the shark. Berman and Braga enjoyed this particular script.

-EPISODE XIX: The Objective Interim Chapter Beyond the Chapter After Next, by Sheppard with material from Sea Skimmer, Falkenhorst, Illuminatus Primus, Frigidmagi, and Nathan F, posted Wed Jan 12, 2005

Paris meets with Janeway after the disastrous battle with the Zeon while Stravo tries to conceal a semen stain. Riker is debriefed on his escape from the Gnomish Asteroid and his encounters with the Einhander and the HAB. FRigidmagi attempts to kill everyone with knowledge of the HAB but a computer error allows his targets to escape while destroying the rest of Starfleet headquarters. Janeway and Stravo escape to Tijuana while the Great LEader orders Frigidmagi to eliminate the targets or be killed himself.

-EPISODE XX: The Farscape Special Edition, by Darth Fanboy, posted Thu Jan 13, 2005

Crichton is infected with an STD by Chianna, so he and Dargo decide to teach her a lesson. Meanwhile, Moya goes into heat and begins dry humping a passing freighter.

-EPISODE XXI: We're As Broke As Michael Jackson!, by Darth Fanboy and Sheppard, posted Fri Jan 14, 2005 8:50 pm

The infamous UPF bachelor auction. A short epilogue was written by Darth Fanboy and posted two days later.

-EPISODE XXII: Lord of the Cockrings I, by Falkenhorst, posted Sat Jan 15, 2005

Ian Mckellan is replaced by George Carlin after an incident with a sheep. RayCav is born during the 17th century and lies dormant within the bloodline of Reginald Barclay, who becomes RayCav after fleeing the Enterprise E on an escape pod, which crashes on Middle Earth.

-EPISODE XXIII: Logic Dick-Tates, by Darth Fanboy, posted Mon Jan 17, 2005

Spock is enjoying retirement at the Federation Officers retirement home when he is visited by Scotty, who delivers a post-mortem message from Kirk. The message informs Spock that a despicable porno tape made during the original Enterprise's first voyage survived the destruction of that ship. Spock assembles a crew of his old friends and Starfleet rejects and sets off to find the tape and destroy it.

-EPISODE XXIV: The "Real McCoy" or "Legend of Fanboy's Taint", by Darth Fanboy, posted Sat Jan 22, 2005

Spock and Scotty attempt to recreate their deceased friend McCoy using the EMH while dealing with the incompetents that make up their new crew. Fanboy reveals why he hates gnomes and shows off his ship.

-EPISODE XXV: Vegans of Vega, by Darth Fanboy with material from Sheppard and Falkenhorst, posted Wed Mar 09, 2005

As the Federation crackdown on illegal pornography rears its ugly head Falk and Shep decide to make some extra money on the side at the colony of Vega IX. The Vegans are a bunch of vegetarian hippies led by a spineless administrator named Axis Kast. The animals on Vega IX have become violent and agressive with even hamsters preying on humans. The trio parts ways as Fanboy goes out into the jungle to hunt, Falkenhorst chases some ass, and Sheppard calls Vympel Pyrotechnics to procure some heavy Soviet-Era firepower. The Enterprise Senior encounters a McDonalds managed by one John Clark, who learns what happens when you spit in a Vulcan's sandwich. Shep and Falk rally the Vegan colonists to defend their city against a large number of predatory animals.

-EPISODE XXVI: Lord of the Cockrings II, by Falkenhorst, posted Wed Mar 16, 2005

Shep and Falk take their ship to Middle Earth is search of the One Cockring. While driving in Falk's Cadillac they encounter Legolas and the Elven forces of Rivendell. Falkenhorst quickly loses his patience.

-EPISODE XXVII: Star Trek Down Under, by Darth Fanboy, posted Tue Mar 22-Thu Apr 21, 2005

The largely Aussie crew of the USS Queensland is attacked by a Borg Cube, and it is up to the Enterprise Senior to rescue them.

-EPISODE XXVIII: "The Red Lightsaber District!" or "Yoda Needs Ass!", by Darth Fanboy, Fri Apr 22, 2005

Yoda hires a prostitute outside of the Jedi Temple.

-EPISODE XXIX: "Tuvok's Gambit" OR "Sven of Nine", by Darth Fanboy, posted Fri May 13, 2005

Tuvok attempts to blackmail Chakotay after learning that Seven of Nine is actually a man.

Continuing The First Ever UPF Celebration, here now is a little sneak preview of what you can expect from the eagerly anticpated UPF DVD Box Set.

UNNAMED PORNO FANFIC DVD COMMENTARIES

Chapter Three featuring Sheppard and Falkenhorst


"Captain Picard, there are some men to see you," replied Data,
who tried to hide his disgust at being forced into Picard's
gay porn holos in order to retain his rank and position on the
Enterprise.

"Send them in," replied Picard as he put away the whips and
told Wesley to get the fuck into the closet.

Life was good, ever since Wesley had returned from being
with that Traveller asshole. He was now Picard's bitch,
and Beverly was none the wiser.

Picard cracked an evil smile at that. He truly was
master of his domain.

Sheppard: When we came up with Frankie and Seppo originally they were going to be the two grunt workers for Shep and Falk.

Falkenhorst: We couldn't have the leaders of the best porn syndicate in the galaxy dirtying their hands with the hard stuff eh?

Sheppard: Oh wait turn it up this is the best part!


A deathly silence then filled the room as everyone stared at
each other. It was suddenly broken by a loud banging noise
from one of the closets in the Captain's ready room.

"Frankie, open that door, see what the fuck's in there."
ordered Seppo.

Opening the door, Seppo barely avoided being knocked over by
a sobbing Wesley Crusher bound and gagged in a leather outfit
complete with ball gag in his mouth and a anal plug in his
ass.

Sheppard: Bwahahaha! That shit never keeps me from laughing! You knew Wesley was gimping for Picard!

Falkenhorst: Y'know in retrospect killin him off so quickly sort of ruined a lot more potentially hilarious and disgusting scenes...

Sheppard: Picard or Wesley?

Falkenhorst: Both!

Chapter 15 featuring Sheppard and Fanboy

Sheppard: This was your first chapter wasn't it?

Fanboy: That would be this one yes.

"The fuck is this? Computer, locate Chief Miles O'Brien." shouted Paris in frustration, already
feeling the shakes taking ahold, and his gut beginning to gurgle. God damn Neelix and his
food. The little bastard's food had given him Parmellian dysentry four years ago, and every day
since that fateful day his gut always began to act up, requiring 400 mg of antibiotics to keep
it down for the day, so he wouldn't embarass himself while on duty.

"Chief Miles O'Brien is not on this station," came the cheery reply of the computer several seconds
later, causing Paris to curse in disbelief.

"Oh come on now, the fat bastard couldn't have disappeared entirely. Scan engineering for
traces of rotgut and fresh vomit. Widen the search to fit the rest of the station if engineering
comes up negative."

Several more agonizing seconds passed, Paris could feel the gurgle in his gut becoming louder,
and he glanced towards the bathroom anxiously, and then the computer finally replied.

"There are no traces of illegal liquor or human regurgitant anywhere on this station."

"Well, fuck me dead," replied Paris as he came to realize that O'Brien really was gone.

Sheppard: Remind me again why we used Tom fucking Paris?

Fanboy: I have no idea, maybe it's because he seems like a whiny little cunt and its people like that who deserve this sort of mockery?

Sheppard: I prefer the term "poetic license".

Chapter 27 featuring Falkenhorst and Fanboy

But the most frightening happening had to be the incidental merging of crewmembers with each other. Like a twisted menagerie of siamese octuplets. Arms stuck out of buttocks, legs impaled torsos, faces merged in a grotesque scene not unlike that of an orgy for Carnys.

Spock and McCoy stood solemnly at the door to the bay.

"You have to try Doctor, you're the only one who can."

"I dunno man, they're like, awfully messed up. You sure This isn't just the acid messing with my head Spock dude?"

"I assure you doctor, this is not the acid."

"Aw dammit, okay, we'll you better cover your pointy ears cause this is gonna hurt."

McCoy walked across the bay with a chainsaw clutched in his hands, the sound of the Binford-2810 Double-Action 480 Horsepower Diesel Chainsaw only slightly drowning out the screams of the patients about to be separated.]

Falkenhorst: Jesus Christ! Where do you come up with that shit?

Fanboy: Well most of my chapters are either the result of sleep deprivation, binge drinking, or both.

Falkenhorst: So if I were to give you a bottle of tequila and some No-Doz we could have another some twenty chapters by the end of next week?

Fanboy: Maybe.

Falkenhorst: Speaking of which how do you know so much about all of this shit your character seems to keep taking?

Fanboy:.......(utter silence)

You definitely have too much free time on your hands.

Zaia wrote:You definitely have too much free time on your hands.

And this is a bad thing... why?

UPF News In Brief

UPF Shatters Fanfic box office records, surpasses StarCrossed

While the third episode of Star Wars grossed $50 million on its opening day, setting an all time record for films. "The Unnamed Porno Fanfic" grossed $50 in its opening day, setting a new one-day and all time record for Fanfics, topping the $14 grossed by Stravo's hit crossover "Starcrossed" and $8 grossed for Mike Wong's "Conquest". Thought this $50 was generated when the authors used a rolled up copy of the script to beat down and old lady and take her purse (Subsequently spending the money on "wonderfully efficient booze" such as Milwaukee's Best Ice, and Midnight Hobo.) Most of the money was in small coin demoninations of nickels and pennies.

Fans line up for UPF Episode XXX

Die hard UPF Readers, also known as "Unnamed Porno Fans", lined up early for the premiere of UPF XXX, dressed in the costumes of their favorite UPF characters eagerly awaiting a movie that seemed almost inevitable fromthe beginning. Some of the more elaborate cstumes included one gentleman who was wearing a Data costume covered in faux blood. When asked questions about the film the gentleman simply began whistling "Pop goes the weasel" making threatening strides towards the person next to him in line. Another interesting costume was a gentleman who came dresses as captain picard, with a headless dummy swewed into the seat of his pants wearing BDSM gear, a rendition of Picard and Crusher's death in the third installment of the series. One person waiting in line appeared to be dressed as an inebriated Deanna Troi, but it was in fact, Marina Sirtis, who was passed out drunk in a nearby gutter before crawling towards the area where fans waited in line. But by far the most controversial costume could be the fan who came dressed as the infamous Einhander. Einhander, who appears in UPF as a psychotic sex-crazed creation of GALE Industries, is known for his part in UPF 14, where his rampant lethal skullfucking of gnomes struck fear in the hearts of many.

Ron Mexico joins All Star Cast

In what is proving to be a coup for the creators of UPF, an agreement has been made with legendary sweet talker Ron Mexico, effectively doubling already enormous amount of Star Power UPF controls. "The addition of Ron Mexico places the Unnamed Porno Fanfic in a position to maximize shareholder's investments while diversifying our gains in key demographics." Said Darth Fanboy "What's more, the undeniable Charisma Ron Mexico brings to our cast is superior to that of Henry Winkler." Winkler was originally cast in the role of "Shep" before the UPF creator decided to portray himself and was unavailiable for comment.

Falkenhorst refuses to attend UPF premiere, fears extradition

Citing what he calls, "a ludicrous attempt at persecution", UPF co-creator and developer of the famed "Lord of the Cock Rings" storyline Falkenhorst will not be able to attend the premiere of UPF XXX in the United States, choosing instead to attend a separate unveiling ceremony in the town of Fucking, Austria. Fucking is a popular city with English-speaking tourists, who routinely steal city signs from the town. Falkenhorst's refusal stems from a June, 2003 incident in Toronto, Canada where a dispute between Falkenhorst and members of the Canadian media escalated into a brawl, culminating in Falkenhorst's throwing of a molotov cocktail at a reporter for the (fringe newspaper)Canadian Commie Liberal Whiner-Gazette, engulfing the reporter in flames. Charges were filed in the incident but not before Falkenhorst had managed to flee to Europe by way of the United States, where he now resides. Fearing an extradition treaty between the United States and Canada, Falkenhorst has repeatedly vowed never return to the United States until his freedom can be guaranteed.

Not an official chapter but something help whet the appetite for all the readers. I'll be doing some more shit like this until we've complete the final phase of our latest evil plan.

Einhander Sn0m4n wrote:

Zaia wrote:You definitely have too much free time on your hands.

And this is a bad thing... why?

I didn't say it was a bad thing. Just noting the obvious.

Chapter XXX Part I:

Only Vin Diesel knows the name to the Unnamed Porno Fanfic

Tijuana, Mexico

“Hmm, you look nice, sweetie,” groweled Kathryn Janeway as she took
a long drag off her unfiltered Marlboro, something that she could only
get south of the border on her monthly trips.

“I sure am, hon. Five hundred,” replied the hooker that Janeway
was solicting. Janeway thought over the cost and benefits of buying
this woman's services. Five hundred ferenginar credits wasn't cheap,
but this woman looked relatively disease free, which was a rarity
in Tijuana, and those trips to sickbay were beginning to attract
unhealthy attention from her higher ups.

“You're hired.”

“Yay, me.” replied the hooker sarcastically.

[30 minutes later]

Janeway unlocked the door to the room where she was staying with Stravo;
as the door opened, the hooker frowned in disgust at the sight of a naked
man tied up with handcuffs to the bed, and happily eating what looked
like shit.

It was with glee that she noted the disgusted look on the hooker's face. Well
now, it was too late, far too late for the woman; she'd taken the money
and she was theirs for the next couple of days.

[15 minutes later]

Stravo felt his manhood become even more swollen as he watched his mistress,
his bright shining star, the unimitable Kathryn Janeway prepare to eat out the
hooker before reaming her out with the double sized strap-on dildo that he
had come to know very well.

Suddenly, the hooker closed her legs around his Kathryn's neck, and he could
hear her gasps for breaths as she struggled to breathe.

“So, Admiral, you thought you could escape blowing off the Principality of
Zeon over our sperm shipment? You thought wrong,” snarled the hooker as
she tightened her legs ever further.

Stravo struggled against the handcuffs on his arms and legs, the steel biting into
his flesh as he tried to rip them off, to save his love from this vile beast that was
killing her.

Janeway's eyes began to bulge out of her sockets, and blood vessels began
to burst on them as she strained and exerted herself, causing Stravo to
begin struggling even harder against his bonds.

“Oh sweetie, don't worry. I'll take care of you,” crooned the hooker, and with that,
she smothered Stravo's face in her generous bosom.

The hooker grinned evilly as Stravo struggled against her suffocating tits,
before lapsing into unconsciousness. Between her legs, she also felt Janeway's
struggles weaken, and then finally stop. A foul stench filled the cheap motel
room as Janeway's bowels emptied, causing the hooker to almost gag, before
her training suppressed the instinct. She'd been through worse as part of her
Zeonic training.

The mark was almost certainly dead, but a bungled assassination attempt in the
past had made Zaia cautious of people who appeared to be dead, so she kept
Janeway in a leglock for a further ten minutes, just to be sure.

[30 minutes later]

“Goddamn, this is one tough bitch,” muttered Zaia as she struggled mightily
to stuff Janeway's body into an ice cooler that she had bought from a replicator
station ten minutes ago.

Dropping Janeway's limbs in disgust, Zaia left the room for several minutes,
before returning with a fire axe that she had appropriated from the nearby fire
extinguisher station..

In a few minutes, she had the former admiral of the Federation in the cooler,
and the room now resembled a bloody rohrsach painting. Wiping the sweat and
blood spatter from her brow, she glanced over at Stravo, who was still unconscious
from when she had breast-suffocated him about forty minutes ago.

Walking into the bathroom, Zaia stripped down to bare skin, and quickly
stuffed the hooker duds into a trash can which she promptly filled with lighter
fluid and lit off. As the filthy clothes burned, she showered, wearing the soap
down to a nubbin in an obsessive attempt to cleanse herself of the stink of
Janeway and Stravo. For some reason, she felt particularly unclean after
touching those two.

Finally, when the hot water of the entire inn had run down, Zaia finally left
the shower, wiped off and put on the clean clothes she carried in her purse.

She also had one task to carry out before she left the sanctuary of the motel
room; and that was to place the diplomatic seal of the Principality of Zeon
onto the cooler. Now no man could touch it and live. The Principate was
very very good at ensuing that happened.

Lifting one end of the cooler, Zaia rolled it out of the room on it's little wheels,
leaving behind Stravo handcuffed to the bed. With any luck, someone would
notice after a couple of days and free him. If no one did, well it wouldn't be much
of a loss.

[1 hour later – Tijuana Starport]

As Zaia boarded the liner that would begin her long journey back to Zeonic Space,
she sighed. This had been a productive trip, but she felt uneasy about leaving that
deficient specimen of manhood alive back in the motel; surely she should've killed
him first.

“Damn it, I'm losing my killer edge.”

Unfortunately for Zaia, and the other 34 men, 42 women, 21 children, and
104 orphans who were being sent to a Federation Orphanage on Trill on the
liner, the head of the ground maintenance section of the Tijuanian starport
was one of Montgomery Scott's bastard children; who suffered from a strange
variant of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome which only affected those children that
Scotty had fathered.

So it was thusly that Charles Montgomery, a.k.a. “Ron” Mexico had forgotten
to bolt the matter/antimatter intake feed splitter back into the warp core after
cleaning it earlier that afternoon. He'd also forgotten to reinstall the various nuts
and bolts he'd removed to get to the feed splitter.

As a result of this, the warp core on the Liner simply came apart at an altitude
of 4,000 meters, and the dangerous matter/antimatter mix combined outside
the safety of the core.

Everyone on the liner, and the surrounding ten kilometers around the spaceport
was vaporized by the fireball of the 1 gigaton detonation. As the monstrous
mushroom cloud rose into the sky, a poisonous rain began to fall over what
was left of Tijuana....

*Sound of the film on a movie projector burning out, causing
the screen to go completely white*

“God damn it, Shep, what the fuck are you thinking?” shouted Darth Fanboy
as he beat the back of Shep's head with a giant inflatible dildo, one of the many
props used for creative thinking during UPF production by the intrepid trumvir
of authors.

“What? What? I haven't killed a shitload of people in the last few chapters of UPF,
people will think I'm slipping!”

Appearing out of the darkness, Falkenhorst threw a jar of Astroglide, which
barely missed Sheppard's head by inches. “You stupid fuck, you should have
thought about that contract we'd just signed with Zaia for the next thirty chapters
of UPF before you killed her off!”

“Yeah man, we had to scalp a lot of tickets to a lot of midnight screenings to
pay those damn fees!” shouted Fanboy as he held up the next UPF Action figure
scheduled for release, the CHOPPING MOTION ZAIA with REALSOUND (TM).

“This is as close as you're coming to taking MY clothes off, male scumbag!”
shouted the figure when Fanboy pushed the button on it's back idly.

[boop]

“Two, Four, Six, Eight, who do we emasculate?”

[boop]

“Its my time of the month...to kill you!”

“We had goddamn gauranteed sales in the quadruple digits to the Angry Young
Virgin Brigade on SDN, you fucking twat!” shouted Falkenhorst. “Besides,
it's the closest those fucknuts would get to touching a woman anyway...”
muttered Fanboy in disgust.

“Okay, okay , you fucking bastards! You're fucking breakin' my balls here,
you know that?” muttered Sheppard as he began the RetCon.

[The Night Before Zaia's Death]

A hovertruck's brake suddenly failed as it was carrying a heavy load of donkey
manure through the streets of Tijuana. The driver, fighting to regain control of
the ungainly vehicle unfortunately ran over the intoxicated Charles Montgomery
as he staggered home to his hovel through the streets of Tijuana. Without C.M.'s
“expert” repair work, the Liner made it's way home through the spaceways, and
the UPF trumvirate made millions of dollars off of Zaia-themed merchandise...

[The Fortress of Solitude, at the center of the Fanfic Galaxy]

“Sir! We've detected a Fanfic Paradox!” shouted one of the fanfic archive
maintainers.

“Inform the master!”

Deep within the fortress, the Fanfic Master, Prime Dalton, sat meditating
on the meaning of Fanfics, when one of his cloned underlings interrupted.

“What is it Dalton Two-Three?”

“Master, we've detected massive plotline retconning and paradoxes in...”

Prime Dalton sighed. “Let me guess, Unnamed Porno Fanfic?”

“Indeed, Prime.”

“Their crimes against fanfics have gone too far. They shall not be
allowed to cram even more plotlines into this abortion of a fanfic.
Dalton Two-Three, take the Michael January and apprehend
the monsters responsible for this.”

“At once, Prime!”

Sector 202AB – Near the wreckage of the Enterprise-E

The Asskicker cruised slowly through the debris field from the E-E, every
so often stopping to tractor something into her hangar bay. Even with the kind of
cash flow Porn lords like Shep and Falk had, some things were hard to find, or
too expensive for even them.

Inside Falk's living quarters, which looked like something out of a 1970s pimp
blaxploitation film, the two partners in porn were reviewing the data they'd
recovered from the Enterprise's shattered computer core.

“Hey Shep, listen to this!” shouted Falkenhorst as he began to read a letter from
Captain Riker aloud.

To the Parents of Jessie Stamos,

Your son died bravely in Main Engineering when he gave his life to stop an influx
inverse polarization of the graviton wavefront in the Warp Core which would
have destroyed the ship.....

Who the fuck am I kidding? He was jerking off with a belt tied around his neck
in the Jeffries tube just off of Main Engineering, when he somehow slipped and
choked to death. I guess he had some good qualities....Maybe.

Sincerely,
Captain William T. Riker

P.S. The S.O.B. owed me poker money. Please send five bars of gold pressed
Latinium to the following P.O Box....

“That's nothing.” Shep replied as he began reading another letter outloud.

Dear Mr. Jezrianna,

It pains me to inform you of the death of your daughter. She died a heroic and
meaningful death, which was in no way caused by a brutal raping from our
Klingon tactical officer. She was a good starfleet officer, and gave one hell
of a blowjob.

Sincerely,
Captain William T. Riker

P.S. Remember, no raping involved...at all...

“Eh, it's sort of weak, Shep. You can't trust those Klingons anyway...”
Falk said in between bites of the hamburger he was eating.

“Whatever. I'd like to see you do better.”

“Easy,” and with that, Falkenhorst began to read outloud once more.

Dear Mr and Mrs Maybourne,

It is with a heavy heart that we must inform you that your son, Ensign Robert Maybourne
died while on shore leave on the planet Risa. Apparently a woman's breast accidentally
brushed against him and he instanteously incinerated into a thousand pieces in a rare
display of spontaneous human combustion.

We will always cherish our memories of having to lock him in the brig for
being a complete fucking idiot. We hope that the two of you never fuck
each other again or anyone else for that matter with the hopes that your
twisted, schizophrenic, and obviously defective DNA does not reach
another generation.

If at all possible, we ask that you consider Sterilization procedures or castration,
and if possible, suicide.

Please visit your Local Political Headquarters for information regarding
forced sterilization and how you can go about leading productive lives in
a Federation Gulga...errr...Colony...

Sincerely,
Capt. William T. Riker

P.S. If you have any other children, I will hunt them down personally and
fire them out of our torpedo bay, you two are sick, sick, sick motherfuckers.

After Falkenhorst had finished the letter, there was a long silence in the room
before Shep disgustedly threw a bar of Gold Pressed Latinium at Falk.

“Goddamit, you win.”

Chapter XXX Part II:

THE PRINCIPALITY STRIKES BACK!

By Darth Fanboy and MKSheppard

[Sunnyvale West High School, 21st Century]

It was a normal day at Sunnyvale West High School. The normal amount of hijinks and wackiness had been offset by the abnormal amount of both teachers and faculty who played hooky to catch a screening of "Revenge of the Sith." All was well and good, what with the summer months not being far away and many of the students looking to graduate ASAP.

At about 11:00 though, during the transition between third and fourth period, several loud popping sounds could be heard from a remote corner of the building. At first most of the students thought that the Heavy Armor Brats, a small but recognizeable gang lead by that hood Skimmer, we're pulling off their time honored end-of-the-year tradition by lighting off a few dozen firecrackers in the gym. As the popping sounds got louder and closer to the classrooms though, some of the students began to wonder what kind of a prank it was...

Unfortunately most of the Sunnyvale West students were jaded, it took a lot to make a Sunnyvale West kid freak out, like when that Wilson kid in the junior RoTC was rumored to have taken home economics. So when Daniel Rodgers showed up to school, apparently bitter of his expulsion mid-semester, people had wondered what the infamous Ninja-man had decided to do.

Rodgers had made it a habit of rolling around doing awkward tumbles in the hallways, always pausing briefly to blow "ninja death dust" (talcum powder" at unsuspecting victims. After one incident where he shook the powder from a box of Mr. Daltons pirzed donuts he was suspended, when he voiced his outrage by saying that the ghosts that inhabited the walls would rise up and kill everyone in the building he was expelled. The Superintendent had been glad to do it too, the little fucker was becoming a pain in the ass.

Daniel though, and a few other former students (who all had the derogatory nickname of "troll") who had been forced into open enrollment at another school district had showed up for the final day of regular classes for the school year. At first it was amusing but nobody thought it was funny when they all walked through the door wearing closed trenchcoats and staring viciously through their sunglasses. Within 15 minutes, Sunnyvale West became a bloodbath. Jocks, geeks, metrosexuals, it mattered little to the rifles of these very pissed off and very banned students. All of them fell before his wrath, all of them. Suddenly, Mr. Football Hero Mike Wong came charging at him with a spear tackle. But Daniel Rodgers was more than just a human now, he was the VisionRazor, he would live under an assumed identity after his work was done here, all of his enemies wer ebeing defeated, almost eveything had been accomplished except to blast every last one of those cheerleaders who mocked his pungent but natural scent. All the jocks fell under his gun, all the other geeks who shunned him for being a jerk, even the drug dealers who wouldn't sell to him because he couldn't be fucking trusted......Suddenly the world was black, and a loud ringing filled his ears.

"Daniel honey, wake up, it's time for home schooling!"

"Awwww but moooooom it's not even noon yet!"

"I don't care young man you get down here right this minute and do some math problems."

*grooooooooans*

"And take a shower right this minute!"

Daniel Rodgers cursed his miserable life, one of these days he would have his revenge on the school that shunned him. Nobody could exile greatness and get away with it. There was plenty of death dust for every last one of them, all of them.

[Zeon Colonial System of Lesbos IV, 24th Century]

A small squadron of ships, each one a different variation of the Peregrine with a different appearance, emerged from hyperspace along with their flagship, a mothership of original design. The pilots were all members of a secretive criminal organization, space pirates in a sense. But these were no ordinary pirates by any stretch of the imagination. These were Raiders, Panty Raiders to be precise, led by none other than the outlaw Lord Spanky VII.

After the disaster at the Gnome-sponsored asteroid meeting, Spanky and his entourage of anime-inspired henchmen fled aboard the flagship Lacy Larceny to their secret rendezvous deep putside of Federation territory, near the Hentai Nebula. Those bastards in the Sicilian Mafia, led by that bastard Soresso, had been muscling in on every niche Anime pornography market that had been the cash cow for Spanky's own syndicate. For years Spanky and his ancestors had controlled the Anime porn market, mainly because it was far easier to exploit animators than it was actors, and one only needed two or three talented animators to be successful as opposed to dozens of actors and actresses. The only real overhead for the operation was in the distribution. That was where the Sicilians had started. At first Spanky had contracted them to provide safe transport for his product, before long they were taking a cut of the profit and not long after that they had begun stealing shipments outright. They had even hired away Spanky's best animator and killed another talented artist that refused their offer of employment. Spanky had hoped that the Sicilians could be defeated at the bargaining table, but when that crazy Zeon commando showed up and "All Hell Broke Loose (tm)" he had been forced to flee. He was sure he hadn't been recognized, which was good, for he was on Zeon's most wanted list.

Also known in some circles as "the Bukkake Baron", and "Lemon Lord", Spanky had another side business that had made him one of the more infamous Porn dealers in the entire alpha quadrant. He was the king of the panty raiders. His daring raids on colonies from every nation, be they Federation, Klingon, Romulan, or otherwise, in known space were legendary. On one of his more celebrated triumphs, he and his gang managed to sneak through the wormhole during the Dominion War and return safely with several cargo holds full of Gamma Quadrant panties. However the real measure of his accomplishments were not one but TWO successful panty raids on Zeon colonies. The Ultrafeminist nation had the tightest border security in known space, but Spanky had managed through a combination of luck and skill to evade patrols both times. During the second raid, a raid which procured the thong bikini of a mid-level government official, his face had been caught on a security camera and it was the Duchess herself who personally ordered that Spanky be declared an eney of the state, a title which usually was accompanied by death not long after it was awarded. Spanky had played it safe at every turn since then, but he knew his luck was running out. Unfortunately, thanks to the damn Sicilian, so were his funds.

So when the mysterious stranger approached him about a new venture into Zeon territory, Spanky had been quick to dismiss it as suicidal but reconsidered when he saw how much was being worth per set of undies. One hundred bars for every liberated pair of ladies' panties. This was a ludicrous sum of money, considering that Spanky had a reputation for being able to get every pair a colony of women had to offer. The money from this operation would be enough to buy even more ships, hire more soldiers, it would be enough to reclaim the birthright laid out for him in the early 21st century by his great ancestor. That had pushed him towards considering it, and when the mysterious benefactor from Starfleet offered the latest intelligence from Section 31 Spanky had decided it was worth the risk.

Summoning his elite squadron as escort for the Lacy Larceny, Spanky had set off to once again infiltrate the Principality of Zeon. As soon as Spanky had departed, a Federation shuttlecraft took off for its port of origin. Inside, Tom Paris smiled. With Janeway dead and most of Starfleet HQ in disarray after the great fire, Paris had been able to secretly loot Janeway's private cash reserves. While the money stopped coming in after the Keiko O'Brien debacle there was still a small fortune. Funded by the treasuries of Federation planets who were pushed into forskaing capitalism and personal fortunes. These treasures and fortunes did not disappear however, they simply lined the pockets of Federation Admirals, Paris had learned of this from his father and decided that Janeway's funds would enable him to get revenge on that bitch Innerbrat, who thwarted his mission and made him the laughingstock of the fleet. Even if Spanky failed, nobody could trace this back to him, and the worst that could happen is that one of the galaxy's many porn dealers would be out of business.

Spanky and his escorts reached the Zeon border and engaged the cloaking devices on their ships, following traditional male doctrine, subterfuge was required in order to reach a woman's panties. Whether it was just one drunken soroity girl during spring break, or a battle hardended nation of militant lesbian feminists. The target was the colony of Lesbos IV, and underdefended outpost which provided foodstuffs to the major hubs of the Principate. Home to approximately 2 million colonists and approximately 25 million pairs of underwear. Everything from thongs to granny panties, every fabric from silk to cotton. Thoughts of lust pushed from Spanky's mind however, this was purely business nothing more.

"This is Leader to all ships, callsigns only, engage silent running until we have reached the target."

The plan was simple, the fighters would engage any planetary defenses and take out transporter scramblers while Lacy Larceny engaged in mass beamings of panties, using highly calibrated sensors to locate every pair. Technology had brought panty raiding a long way from the dorm room hijinks of the late 20th century, further still from the armed home invasion raids made popular by Spanky III, who was eventually captured by the Klingons and sentenced to a life in the Rura Pente rohypnol mines.

"Prepare to assume formation Zeta-One...on my mark...NOW!"

In an instant the escort ships began to break off and seek out their targets, and Spanky's ship was not far from low orbit. Suddenly an alarm Klaxon began blaring, First Officer Ootz (who although resembled Spanky closely was of no direct relation to him) responded at his station.

"Sir Sensors are locking onto us! We're picking up a high output tachyon field blanketing the entire system!"

Spanky stood from his command chair assessing the situation.

"A trap? But how could they have noticed us? Raise all shieldsand break off the attack! Give the omega signal now!"

"Lord Spanky!", responded a nameless underling, "DP is breaking formation and is landing on the surface!"

Spanky cursed, his longtime friend was waltzing into a trap. "Somebody hail that idiot and get him back into space, he'll be killed down there!"

"Sir!", it was Ootz again, this time wearing a welder's mask to shield himself from the potentially lethal Federation-manufactured control panel. "We're recieving a transmission from DP's ship!"

DP's image appeared on the screen. "Lord Spanky."

"Dammit you idiot! It's a trap! Haven't you recieved the evacuation signal?"

"I have milord, and I am truly sorry, it was an honor to be in your service. However, someone made me a better offer."

"You traitor! I swear when I get out of this I will..."

Just then the transmission was interrupted before Spanky could finish his sentence.

"Or you will do what? Stand down scoundrel. This is Admiral Mayabird, by order of the Duchess of Zeon, and under the authority of the SOS:NBA, I hereby place you under arrest for crimes against womankind."

DP had sold out Spanky and his crew to his long time lover and master Mayabird, who had registered him as a legal male resident manservant in the Principality. Although lesbianism was encouraged in the Principality, a woamn's body was her own dominion by law. Heterosexual acts were condoned under the male registration act, provided that the man was registered with the Zeon government and fit with a restraining bolt in each testicle. In order to prove himself to his mate, DP had allowed himself to be registered, and as a registered manservant he now enjoyed the rights and protections of a Zeon Citizen, second class.

Outraged by the Betrayal, Spanky threw a collectible Neon Revelations: Evangelion figurine through the viewscreenm causing it to shatter. The overglorified toy from the late 22nd century suffered the same fate, causing Spanky to grow even angrier.

"Get us out of here! The taste of betrayal is causing me to lose my elitist flair."

Unfortunately the trap had been sprung better than Spanky had thought. Not only had they managed to detect him dspite the cloaking devices, but his ships were now cornered by Mayabird's fleet of ten updated D7s.

"Foolish women! I was hoping to avoid a conflict, but you seem to have left me no choice! All ships prepare for Gestalt configuration!"

Suddenly from nowhere the color of space surround Spanky's fleeing squadron turned blue with epileptic inducing movement within it, the purpose for Spanky's fighters and the mothership was now revealed as they began transforming into new configurations, each of them a part of something larger! Spanky's ship formed the torso, while other ships formed the legs and arms. Spanky's personal ship Super Honor Ronin Warrior Master-Chan was then deployed to form the head of the Mecha.

The combined crew then shouted "Gestalt Mode Activated!" But Spanky noticed something was missing. "Where is the phaser saber? Without it we are without our best weapon!"

"Sir," Ootz replied, "DP's ship forms the Phaser Saber!"

"FUCK! I guess melee attacks are out of the question then, prepare to fire al....AHHHHH!"

Mayabird's fleet had been at first dazzled by the intricate merging of the machines, but they were not about to give the outlaws any respite as they unloaded shot after shot for their torpedo tubes. "All ships, firing pattern Bobbit Five!" All ships simultaneously heeded Mayabirds command, and suddenly a seemingly endless stream of torpedo fire impacted against the robot's crotch. The damage was made even worse, in that it destroyed the interlocking mechanisms of the outlaw ships, the arms and legs broke off and eventually the head fell away also, with Spanky inside of it.

"Ootz! You've got to do something!"

Lacy Larceny's tractor beam locked on to the Super Honor Ronin Warrior Master-Chan and suddenly the barrage stopped.

"What's going on out there?" cried Spanky.

"It's like this, you know how the Zeons made DP a deal? Well they just made me a deal too, you're looking at the new leader of the top Hentai Syndicate in the whole quadrant!"

"You son of a bitch! If it weren't for me you'd still be peddling those homemade yaoi drawings of the Gundam Wing kids to stay off the streets!"

"Goodbye Spanky, look out for your nuts. I hear "space oysters" are a delicacy in this part of Zeon."

As Ootz cut the tractor beam the lead D7 acquired a lock on the small craft with its own tractor beam. As the infamous Panty Raider was pulled in closer he considered his options. Seppuku was out of the question, as he would die in disgrace. The only prudent course of action left to him was to die in honorable combat. He narrowed his already surgically narrowed eyes and drew his Katana from the sheath at his side. Then he disappeared in a column of light as he was transported aboard Mayabird's flagship. He materialized in a corridor, stuck between a dead end and a squad of armed Zeon security troopers in leather corsets.

"Though you have my body imprisoned you cannot contain my warrior spirit, fight me if you must but know that I will not be taken alive!"

As spanky hefted the katana in his hands and prepared to defend himself the security forces fired, the bright blue beams of light stunning Spanky into unconsciousness. He would be taken alive this day, and his nightmare was only beginning.

[The Fortress of Solitude, at the center of the Fanfic Galaxy]

"Sir! We've detected a Fanfic Paradox!" shouted one of the fanfic archive
maintainers.

"Inform the master!"

Deep within the fortress, the Fanfic Master, Prime Dalton, sat playing with his new toys, a UPF-brand Zaia action figure with chopping motion, and a Gnome Soldier action figure.

"Hahaha gnome! Die! That's right! You can't defeat me! Say, I wonder if this top comes off?"

Just then Dalton Two-Three came bursting through the doors.

"My Lord, we..."

"JESUS FUCK! DON'T YOU KNOCK! DID YOU SEE ANYTHING?"

"NO sir I didn't see you playing with your dolls again sir!"

"That's good, now what is it Dalton Two-Three?"

"Master, we've detected massive plotline retconning and paradoxes in..."

Prime Dalton sighed. "Let me guess, Unnamed Porno Fanfic?"

"Indeed, Prime."

"Their crimes against fanfics have gone too far. They shall not be
allowed to cram even more plotlines into this abortion of a fanfic.
Dalton Two-Three, take the Michael January and apprehend
the monsters responsible for this."

"At once, Prime!"

"Wait a minute, I could have sworn we just did this."

"We did sir!"

"When?"

"Just now."

Dalton stood from his seat and *ROB SMASHED* the impudent clone.

"Don't pull that fucking spaceballs shit on me what are you talking about."

"Sir, UPF created a paradox by adding in another plotline, however when you ordered us to stop them for creating too many plotlines, it thus created another plotline, thus causing another alarm."

"Jesus Christ! Don't they know what they're doing? They're fucking with reality itself!"

"It gets worse sir, they're making more money than we are."

[Passchendale City, HAB Capital World]

The flare shot off in the distance, signaling that the gnomes were to be released from their pens. Some four hundred gnomes were released all at once into the private hunting reserve of the Great Leader, a forest area with several areas of open savannah. The Great LEader had never been a patient man though, and as soon as the gnomes were released he began spraying bullets from a replicated MG-42 into the crowd, once regarded as the best machine gun ever manufactured, it was now the primary leisure hunting weapon of HAB higher-ups. The bullets tore trhough the air and gnomes began to fall, injured gnomes falling next to their dead brethren, only to be killed when the unscathed trampled them. After ten minutes or so the gnomes had been reduced by a third and the survivors were now in hiding somewhere in the reserve.

The Great Leader, pleased at the slaughter and thirsty for more gnomish blood (which made an excellent smoothie), continued the hunt alongside of several other HAB rankingmembers. Each of them eager for the hunt.

Author's Note- I couldn't in good conscience go this long without a Mass Slaughter, Gnome or otherwise. ~DF


[Zeon Military Dentention Center, days after the Battle of Lesbos IV]

By definition of Zeon Law, Miles was a Sex Offender, which in the Principate was even more serious than being labeled a War Criminal. As a male offender, the standard sentence was death except in "cases of an extremely heinous nature." Miles' repeated abuse of Keiko (she could no longer call her his wife because her Zeon citizenship included an immediate annulment) over the years qualified him for the worst punishments the Gulags had to offer.

A detachment of SOS Security guards beat him senseless with batons and cattle prods and then dragged him like a dead animal to his cell in the notorious "Y-Block" (Y meaning "Y chromosome") of the Zeon Military Penitentiary. Tossed in his cell, which was barren save for a toilet and a small mat on the floor, Miles finally succumbed to his pain and blacked out, waking up hours later.

"Sssssssttttaaaaarfleeeet.....wake up Sssssttaaaaarfleeeet..."

The low raspy voice woke O'Brien from his sleep, and he turned his head in the direction of the noise, across the hawllway in the darkened cell across from him. "What the fuck do you want?" O'Brien cursed at the figure concealed in the shadows.

"My aren't we feisssssssstyyyy....no need for hossssstility..."

"Well that's all I have, i've got nothing to say to you." O'Brien turned his back on the mysterious prisoner and sat in the corner of his cell, sulking and craving a bottle of tough booze. He was still wearing his starfleet uniform, though it was ragged and burned from the increasingly frequent shock therapy practiced by Zeon's military police. But as badly as he wanted to escape this hellhole he didn't even know where exactly he was, which would prove a problem for him if he tried to escape. There was only one person he knew of who might be able to give him answers.

"Hey you, you rotten fucker across from me. Where the hell am I at?"

"Ssssssssoo now we decccccccide to conversssssssse?"

"Bah, eat me, this isn't my best day you know."

"Oh I undersssssssstand completely. We're being held in the Zzzzzzzzzeon military prissssssssson in their capital. Thissssss particular ccccccellllll block is ressssssserved for the exxxxperimentsssssss."

"I'm Miles O'Brien."

"Milessssssssss, Ah yessssssss they have been talking about you in the lab, ideal tessssst sssssubject."

Miles was disturbed, the words "test" and "subject" being used like that did not bolster his confidence. "So do you have a name?"

"The guardssssss, call me Ssssssparky. They are fond of using Electriccccccity."

"Tell me about it, hey, you mentioned experiments? What kind of experiments?"

"Bacterial weaponssssss, desssssigned for genetic manipulationsssss....ssssexxxxxx changesssss."

And so the mysterious prisoner went on to explain. Ever since the sperm shipments from the Federation ceased in lieu of the diplomatic row between the two nations, the Duchess of Zeon had ordered that the money used for those shipments be diverted towards other ways of maintaining the growth of the Zeon population. Cloning was still an imperfect science, and asexual reproduction would not diversify the genepool, mass male immigration was unacceptable. Zeon scientists had decided to turn towards nature in an attempt to solve the mystery of all-female sexual reproduction. Leading scientists felt that the answer would be found in marine organisms. Many species of fish were Protandrous, meaning that they underwent natural sex changes, Zeon scientists first tried reproducing these chemical changes in humans but were unable to successfully mimic them in terrestrial animals. Other scientists found that the marine bacteria, M. Wolbachia was able to facilitate the gender changing, and that reproducing bacteria and allowing it to colonize a mammal's digestive tract along with naturally occuring digestive bacteria was much more viable than simulating a hormonal response.

"Their bacteria...went....wrong.....it attacked the wrong genessssss.......didn't alter my gender....it altered my ssssspeciessss....conforming it to a ssssssseawater environment"

"That's awful? What species were you?"

"Onnnnncccce a maaaaaan," wheezed Sparky the Dolphin from the blowhole in the top of his twisted skull, as his head began to shake and spasm. He couldn't control it, and he began to chatter uncontrollably. A trio of corset-clad guards rushed into the cell block, stopping in front of Sparky's cell, and began shocking him violently with cattle prods.

"You fucking disgusting cetacean freak! On the fucking floor now!" shouted one of the women, and O'Brien now knew why he was called "Sparky" the dolphin. As the guards continued shocking him, one of them dumped a bucket of rancid fish guts into Sparky's cell. "Eat, you fucking mutant, we've more tests to do on you tomorrow."

O'brien rushed over to the bars and began screaming at his captors. "You cant fucking do that to him! He's Human being! At least he would be if you hadn't fucking mutated him!" One of the guards turned around and jabbed the tip of her cattle prod into O'briens nutsack.

"Back off you gender-deficient worm. Its not like we have a choice, the last time we neglected to shock him sufficiently, he tried to fuck one of the guards in half. Now I don't know how you feel about peritonitis, but if you want to go over there and be his cell mate you are more than welcome to..."

Suddenly alarm klaxon began ringing loudly, and the guards quickly made sure Sparky's cell was locked down before sprinting away. O'Brien's mind began racing, whatever the fuck was going on here, he had to escape. It was his duty as a Federation soldier to attempt escape, not to mention the fact that he had to get his revenge and keep his groin intact while doing so. He had several things going for him, the distraction caused by the alarm, his technical skills, and the disturbing lack of alcohol in his bloodstream. Miles couldn't recall anytime he had been this sober since Picard declared the Enterprise dry for a few weeks following an ugly incident when the ship's barber got blitzed and carved a big "Z" in his dome.

"Essssscaaaaping....are you?" Gasped a very weak but still conscious Sparky.

"Might as well try. You know a way out of here?"

"There issssss a path....through the sssssewersssssss...."

"Great, I'll override the circuits to the power circuit controlling the door and reorute acces to the computer from a local terminal..."

"Once problem.....doorssssssss are simple lock and key.....no electriccccccccity."

"Great, swell, how am I supposed to PICK A FUCKING LOCK!"

"I'm sure we'll think of sssssssssomething."

[Her Royal Residence, Zeon Capital District]

The Duchess had been summoned from bed after a late night session of military planning. Her scientists had assured her that the new bacterial gender alteration weapon would be ready in short time and she had been planning for several attacks in the Drakia and Gor systems before retiring. Only three hours later than her had had hit the pillow was she back in military uniform, being rushed to her office in the Capital building. Innerbrat had been waiting for her when she arrived.

"What's the situation?"

"Ma'am, we've been attacked. The Holy Shrine has been defiled and our most sacred Icon stolen."

It was a rare moment for the Duchess to be caught off guard but she quickly recovered, after her jaw dropped she immediately began putting out the orders. "Order our entire fleet to FEMCON 3 and put every availiable ship on the lookout! A prize to whichever ship returns the Icon, a weeks leave!"

The Duchess gritted her teeth and stormed out of the room to a private chamber. Someone had taken the Zeon Butter Cow, and would pay dearly for doing so.

[Unknown Location, Unknown Ship]

"This is Infiltrator to Penetrator, come in Penetrator." The pilot of the ship turned the dial on his communication system until matching it to the pre arranged frequency, a low voice could be heard through the speakers.

"This is Penetrator, I trust that you have acquired the item?"

"Affirmative, the Butter Cow is in my posession."

"Excellent, the Zeon military is on high alert at this moment, all is going as I have forseen. Wait a short while before making your way here. The first quarter of your payment has already been made."

"You bastard! I wanted half the amount up front!"

"What you want is of no consequence to me until you have made good on your end of the bargain, I have been suprisingly generous already. Fear not Infiltrator, when this transaction is complete you will be a very rich man. Penetrator Out"

Lt. Hitman grimaced to himself as he did a quick sensor scan of the cargo hold. Lord Wong was paying him an absurd sum of money for the prized Butter Cow of Zeon. What he wanted with it or what he could possibly do with it it didn't matter. The fact of the matter is that the money he was being paid would enable Hitman to retire from mercenary work to pursue his own agenda. There were a lot of vital organs in the universe that needed to be forcibly removed from torsos, and he was the one who wanted to do it.

[The Fortress of Solitude, at the center of the Fanfic Galaxy]

"Master, we've detected massive plotline retconning and paradoxes in..."

"I KNOW ALREADY! Just take care of it! DAMNIT!"

And that is how you 'piss off' every single person in the forum

AWESOME chapter.!

Dude! Sweet! Worth the wait, and you've nailed every fucker on the forum. Hot damn.

We still got Part III on the way