'K, guys, pull up a chair--it's story time.... *twinkly kiddie musak in background--opens giant storybook*
[kindergarten-teacher voice]
Once upon a time, there was a kickass chick named Zaia. She was funny, smart, cool, etc etc and had lots of guy friends. Her best friend in the whole world was a guy named Dickhead.
*PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: the real names in this story have been changed to protect the stupid, guilty, moronic and blind--RESUME STORY*
Ok, where were we? Ah, yes. Dick. Anyway, Zaia and Dickhead became very good friends. However, Dickhead went through some rough times and needed to turn to Zaia for help. He was confused and depressed because his father was cheating on his mother and they found out that the other woman had a baby by Dick's father. (*sing-song voice* Kids, can you say, "Oh no, sex is baaad!!!"?? Good.) So, Dickhead had many, many problems, and only turned to his beloved best friend, Zaia, for help. Zaia loved being there for Dick and eventually fell in love with him.
*ding ding ding--turn the page!*
Four years have passed. Zaia is still in love with Dick, and decides to tell him so. She does so, to her great credit (because she was scared shitless--four years of being in love!), and is told by Dick, "I love you too--like a sister."
Ugh. Later he explained that it wasn't anything about
her, it was just that she wasn't attractive. To him. Ummm, riiiight. Thanks.
So, over the next year and a half, Zaia scrapes her dignity, her pride, and the shattered remains of her heart together, and eventually gets over the son of a bitch. She also manages to stay friends with him, even though when she originally had her heart broken, she thought that impossible.
*ding ding ding--turn the page!*
But, the story is not over! Yes, our heroine makes it through, but there is more! A few years later, she decides to live out her first dream and travels to Australia to study there for a semester. While in Australia, Zaia learns more about herself and discovers her inner power and returns to the U.S. a changed woman. Dickhead sees this in her, falls in love with her, and is now tormenting himself over his mistake and is now begging Zaia to give him another chance. However, our heroine, due to her empowerment, realizes that he actually treated her shamefully and will not allow him to manipulate her anymore.
And so she routinely goes off, picks up guys at bars, and has many nights of orgies with much anal sex. (Just for you, D.W.
)
The end.
What was the moral of the story, kiddies? That you never know how you will feel about someone in the future? Very good. You all get stickers.
[/kindergarten-teacher voice]
*closes giant storybook--twinkly kiddie musak died down a while ago because it ran out of batteries because this story was SO GODDAMN LONG!*
Phew.
Thanks, Spanky--but MY question is, can I still use my flappin'-nipple-tassles if I don't have anything to shake them with?