MORE Conversations From the Professional Front Lines

[The Romulan Republic]

Huh. Wasn't aware Justin was a boxer.

Okay, Trudeau vs. Putin duel is a go!

[Venator]

Huh. Wasn't aware Justin was a boxer.

Okay, Trudeau vs. Putin duel is a go!

He's no Tyson, but he can handle himself in a ring:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYlWiZMhaLE

[Raw Shark]

Yeah, at this point, I'd kind of like to see it.

[Kinyo]

Things I never thought I would say number 348:

"Thanks for that. I have added her to the list."

[Raw Shark]

OTHER TAXI DRIVER: Why does a white man drive taxi?

ME: That is a very good question, brother.

[Zaune]

Just realised I never got around to putting this up.

Cab driver: Where to, mate?

Me: [address]

Cab driver: Where?

Me: It's an industrial estate a bit out of town.

(snip my fumbling attempts to explain in more detail before I give up and try the direct approach)

Me: I'm trying to get to this club, see. It's called The Attic... (Link is almost certainly NSFW by the way)

Cabbie: Why didn't just you say so?

[fordlltwm]

As a cab driver in north west wales I can see why giving the address for somewhere like that wouldn't help. our local club is about half an hour away in a town called pwllheli. It's called The Venue, and I have no idea what the address would be for it, but if you get in and ask for The Venue that's where i'd take you.

Sadly my rides are far less funny than raw sharks so I've got no additions as yet to this thread.

[Raw Shark]

Yeah, I navigate kind of by ear. The people who write the hack test have an unrealistically high opinion about my ability to memorize addresses. I am personally amazed that I pass it every year.

[Raw Shark]

TOURETTES GUY: [scavenges for cigarette butts] Motherfucking whitey sons of bitches! Fuck you and your ice cream cones! [there was no ice cream stand nearby] Stick it to the man!

YOUR DRIVER: You tell 'em, brother!

[Raw Shark]

YOUR DRIVER: {stands on his car] MY BROTHERS! WE GATHER HERE TONIGHT, UNITED. ALL COMPANIES. ARE WE GOING TO LET THOSE UBER FUCKS KILL US?

ALL COMPANIES: NO!

YOUR DRIVER: You have survived Africa. You have survived Russia. You have survived Mexico. You think the USA can take you out?

ALL: NO!

YOUR DRIVER: That's what I'm talking about, gentlemen. And [gesturing] lady. This is what we're here for. We will fight, and we will win. We will do whatever it takes. If it gets dirty, we will take a shower. Let's go to work.

ALL: [cheers]

~~~~~~~

When there are no leaders left, you must become one.

[Raw Shark]

MY OLDEST REGULAR: Shark, you working tonight?

YOUR DRIVER: Cab's in the shop, sorry. They've really been dicking me around.

MY OLDEST REGULAR: I've still got the Shitmobile. Me and [Sous Chef] can pick you up, and then you keep the engine running and handle the navigation on the way out. We're going close to your neighborhood anyway.

YOUR DRIVER: Sounds good. I haven't worked in three weeks, I'm bored out of my skull.

MY OLDEST REGULAR: Right on, see you in fifteen.

[time passes]

YOUR DRIVER: Do I even want to know why you're bringing back-up and a wheelman if this is just a routine deal?

MY OLDEST REGULAR: [hefts a back pack] Maybe "routine" was an understatement. That's why I'm paying you extra. It should be fine, I just want to be careful in case shit goes sideways. Worst case scenario, we're right by your place. We could bug out to your garage, and spend a few hours getting baked, raiding your fridge, and counting our money. Then me and [Chef] take all the risk driving home without you.

YOUR DRIVER: If I have to try to run from well-armed thugs or the cops in the Shitmobile, we are going to have some uncharitable words in Hell or our holding cell.

[Venator]

I think we need to HoS this entire thread just so it's not Google searchable as evidence.

I'm out of town for work for a few days.

ME: *looks skeptically at rental reservation for a "Chevrolet Spark or Similar (Economy Class)*
ME: *looks skeptically at a 2017 Ford Explorer*
ME: "Well, I suppose I really shouldn't complain..."

I got 3 extra seats, 2 cylinders, 2 driven wheels, and 2 turbochargers at no cost. All I really wanted was something easy to park around town...

[Lagmonster]

One of our new university hires took one look at a 20-something Jr. Assistant and made up her mind that she is absolutely going to fuck him. A manager watches her walk away from his station while casting back a glance so full of intent I'm surprised he didn't get an underwear-based friction burn from the speed at which he launched his boner. She leaves.

Manager: "What do we not do?"
Assistant: "Sleep with the students."
Manager: "And what are you not going to do?"
Assistant: "Sleep with the student."
(Assistant leaves)
Manager (to me): "He's going off to fuck her right now, isn't he?"
Me (not looking up from screen): "Yes."
Manager: "I should do something."
Me: "I recommend jealousy."


*Disclosure: He did not, of course, because neither of he nor the student are unprofessional idiots, but that makes the story less funny so that information goes down here.

[Alyrium Denryle]

One of our new university hires took one look at a 20-something Jr. Assistant and made up her mind that she is absolutely going to fuck him. A manager watches her walk away from his station while casting back a glance so full of intent I'm surprised he didn't get an underwear-based friction burn from the speed at which he launched his boner. She leaves.

Manager: "What do we not do?"
Assistant: "Sleep with the students."
Manager: "And what are you not going to do?"
Assistant: "Sleep with the student."
(Assistant leaves)
Manager (to me): "He's going off to fuck her right now, isn't he?"
Me (not looking up from screen): "Yes."
Manager: "I should do something."
Me: "I recommend jealousy."


*Disclosure: He did not, of course, because neither of he nor the student are unprofessional idiots, but that makes the story less funny so that information goes down here.

That reminds me of graduate school. I mean... it happens. Students can be hot. I have had students who made my lymbic system go insane and had they not been my students and straight...yeah. Dear God. But they were my students. And Straight. So the Shields went up.

My bartender however was not so ethically hidebound. I say my bartender because my bartender had a PhD and got that PhD IN MY LAB. As in, his PhD adviser was my PhD adviser. I studied the behavior of aquatic insects, he studied the behavior of snapping turtles. Apparently what had happened is that while he was in graduate school, he made extra cash moonlighting as a bartender, and continued this practice when he was a Lecturer at the same institution post PhD.

So one evening he was at work, and a Hot Chick starts hitting on him. He ends up sleeping with her and either didn't realize it was one of his students or did not realize it was intended as a quid pro quo. So, when she gets a C in his class, well...

"I CAN'T BELIEVE I FUCKED YOU FOR A C!" got screamed in the echo-prone halls of the biology department. Needless to say, he did NOT keep his main job, and all possible professional references were spoiled. I think he maintains an adjunctship at Tarrant County Community College but...yeah. Academic Career is dead.

However, he was not the only person punished. My PhD adviser was also punished, because from then on, he was required to do the "do not sleep with your students" speech at graduate student and new faculty orientation. Here is what it was at mine.

"Do not sleep with your students! They might be hot, they might be really cool but Do not sleep with your students! Do not sleep with your students! Do not sleep with your students! Do not sleep with your students! Shit happens and if it does happen we will try to make it go away, but we probably wont be able to so Do not sleep with your students! DO. NOT. SLEEP. WITH. YOUR. STUDENTS!"

[Raw Shark]

YOUR DRIVER: Hi, I'm the Shark. I'll be your driver.

WOLFIE: I'm Wolfie. I'm a wolf furry.

YOUR DRIVER: Um. Okay. And you are here for..?

WOLFIE: Yes.

YOUR DRIVER: Oookay.

MY OLDEST REGULAR: Yeah, this is her.

YOUR DRIVER: [quietly] I thought you said no more weird acts.

MY OLDEST REGULAR: You should've seen the other one.

YOUR DRIVER: She is cute, though.

MY OLDEST REGULAR: You should've seen the other one.

[FaxModem1]

Coworker : "The Branch office has new issued jackets, you just have to go there and pick them up. "

Me: "That's good, for someone told me that....... 'Winter is Coming' ".

*Groans from everyone around me *

[Raw Shark]

YOUR DRIVER: I'm not sure this one is in my pay grade, bro.

MY OLDEST REGULAR: Get ready for a promotion, Shark.

YOUR DRIVER: . . . o O (Fuck) I'm not used to how this thing handles, and-

MY OLDEST REGULAR: You're a born and raised Ford man, right? Figure it out. Now, because we've got trouble on our five.

YOUR DRIVER: . . . o O (Oh fucking sweet Baby Birthday Jesus I am so completely- No, fuck that. I've got this. The things I do for love...)

[Zaune]

You do realise I wasn't actually serious when I suggested you should become a wheelman if the taxi gig wasn't viable anymore, right?

[InsaneTD]

My first thought on reading that post, Fords that are quicker then a crown Vic. First five that went though mutt had were Aussie only models and then the GT.

[Venator]

My first thought on reading that post, Fords that are quicker then a crown Vic. First five that went though mutt had were Aussie only models and then the GT.

A V6 Fusion will show most Vics its tail lights around a tight street course. With a good enough driver, so would a fleet-spec Focus. The Vic is an icon, but it's a 25-year-old, ladder-frame icon.

I'm thinking not a Mustang given that 2-doors aren't great getaway cars, and a Focus RS doesn't seem like a Denver gettaway car to me. A Taurus SHO just a modern Crown Vic analogue, so I don't think it would intimidate RS that much... maybe an Explorer with the twin-turbo engine? Something that's faster that any sane person would want it to be?

[Raw Shark]

You do realise I wasn't actually serious when I suggested you should become a wheelman if the taxi gig wasn't viable anymore, right?

I didn't start doing that at your suggestion. My Oldest Regular and I go way back. He called me Shark years before I ever did that here.

I miss my Explorer, but it definitely did not corner like a Vic. Those things pack a low center of gravity and some solid weight, which is why I smirk every time I hear some amateur say they feel safer in an SUV.

[Venator]

You do realise I wasn't actually serious when I suggested you should become a wheelman if the taxi gig wasn't viable anymore, right?

I didn't start doing that at your suggestion. My Oldest Regular and I go way back. He called me Shark years before I ever did that here.

I miss my Explorer, but it definitely did not corner like a Vic. Those things pack a low center of gravity and some solid weight, which is why I smirk every time I hear some amateur say they feel safer in an SUV.

It's partly a function of the nebulous "crossover" segment having grown by something like 400% in the past five years - when everyone has an oversized, compromised, worse-minivan/less-capable-4x4, people feel safer to not be the only guy close to the ground with everyone else's bumpers at eye level.

Modern SUVs, though, are pulling absolutely stupid numbers - a 2017 Explorer with the 3.5 twin-turbo is over two seconds faster (5.8 to 60) than an '04 Crown Vic. A BMW X5 M does 3.8 to 60 and 0.98g. Automakers don't care about how physics are inherently unkind to SUVs, they just throw more computers, suspension tech, and tire R&D at the problem while still grinning about their margins.

[Raw Shark]

DAY LABOR LADY: Yeah, we don't have anything for... wait, you're a licensed driver with a clean record? And you know the city?

YOUR DRIVER: Yeah, you could say that. I drove a cab since 2002.

DAY LABOR LADY: Would you be available for a driving job at a police car auction?

YOUR DRIVER: This ought to provide some irony.

~~~~~~~

And I'll crash test dummy a Vicky with the full highway interceptor package vs the SUV of your choice any day ending in a Y.

[Venator]

DAY LABOR LADY: Yeah, we don't have anything for... wait, you're a licensed driver with a clean record? And you know the city?

YOUR DRIVER: Yeah, you could say that. I drove a cab since 2002.

DAY LABOR LADY: Would you be available for a driving job at a police car auction?

YOUR DRIVER: This ought to provide some irony.

And I'll crash test dummy a Vicky with the full highway interceptor package vs the SUV of your choice any day ending in a Y.

I wouldn't want to be in the other vehicle. Never said the Vic wasn't absurdly tough, just that it's tough for a reason that's not conducive to the kind of driving that'll have Vin Diesel's legal team knocking on your door .

[Raw Shark]

DAY LABOR LADY: So, you got sent home early from the warehouse thing? I thought you said you could lift 75# if you had to.

YOUR DRIVER: Yeah, I said I could lift 75# when I was picturing occasional 75# boxes. You didn't tell me that it was an impossibly-unwieldy 75# of rolled fiberglass the size of a large couch with an aggressive ex-con yelling at me to do it faster than one per minute. You also said that I would be informed of or provided at the scene with any equipment necessary for my fucking safety, which I was not.

DAY LABOR LADY: You can't say "fucking" in here, Shark.

YOUR DRIVER: What if the next job you send me on is male prostitution?

DAY LABOR LADY: [lowered voice with sly grin] Okay, maybe that gets an exception...