StarDestroyer.Net BBS

Chapter 31: The Search Begins, Part One


"Hey," Zaia asked.

"Yeah?"

"Does something feel different to you?"

Kuja shrugged and continued washing his hands in the cold water. "Like what?"

"I don't know...something."

"Well, if you put your finger on it, let me know." There was a short silence, then Kuja turned to scrutinize the calendar.

"What are you doing?" Zaia asked.

"Checking what time of the month it is," he said.

"You bastard!" she snapped. She grabbed a nearby steak knife and moved to fillet him.

"I had a dream about you last night," he mentioned casually. She stopped short.

"Really?"

"Yep. I woke up cuddling the main circuit board, in fact."

"Awwwwwww! That's so sweet!" she said with a grin. Then she set the knife down and threw her arms around Kuja for a big hug.

All too easy, he thought with a diabolical grin.


Meanwhile in the living room, Stravo was trying to figure out what was wrong. Something had been bothering him since he got up, and it wasn't the fact that he'd ended up in bed with Dalton and Zaia with no knowledge of how he'd done it. It wasn't the fact that Dalton had helped himself to his emergency donuts, either. Of course, that did bother him a bit, especially since Dalton was doing it again right now. Hey, wait a minute- "Asshole, what do you think you're doing?!" he snapped. "Stop eating my donuts!

Dalton looked up guiltily. "Bu' 'ere je'y fid," he said around a mouthful. Stravo sighed and resigned himself to buying another box tomorrow.

"Mr. Mortis," a third voice said. "Rigor mortis, Mr. Happy, flesh rocket, pitching a tent, purple-headed yogurt slinger-"

"Cyran," Stravo said.

Several clangs came from inside the nuke, which the two black mages had dragged back up to the apartment, saying that a nuke was a terrible thing to waste. A moment later, Cyran poked his head out.

"Yo," he said.

"What are you doing?"

"Just working on this baby," he said. "I know I can get her back up to sixty megatons if I get this one part back in place."

"But what's with rattling off penis nicknames?"

"Oh, that. It helps me concentrate." Cyran's head disappeared back inside the nuke.

"Cockrocket," he said a moment later. "Wang, willy, hoohoodly."

Stravo sighed. It was going to be a long day. "Dalton."

"I 'i'n't 'o 't!"

"Swallow, Rob."

Dalton took a gulp. "What is it?"

"Rob, check off the names on this list, all right?"

"Uh, okay."

"Kuja's in the kitchen washing his burns."

"Check."

"Zaia's in there to make sure he doesn't pull another nuclear prank or get drunk off my beer."

"Check."

"Cyran's in the nuke, doing god-knows-what and belting out synonyms for the male anatomy."

"Redwood, woody woopecker," Cyran said right on cue.

"Check."

"You and me are here, counting folks and eating my donuts."

"Check...yum."

"So Rob, where's the El-tee?"

Dalton's hand froze en route to the box of donuts. Slowly, he looked up at Stravo. "Insane?" he tried.

"Cute Rob, but you know that's not what I mean."

"I don't know."

"Does that frighten you as much as it does me?" Dalton shuddered and crammed another donut into his mouth. "I guess so." He turned towards the kitchen. "Hey, Zaia?"

"Just a second!"

"Dick, dork, one-eyed monster, the impregnator" Cyran said.

She appeared a few moments later, looking more than a little disheveled. "What's up?"

"What the hell-"

"Never mind that," she said. "What's going on?

"You've got the El-tee's number, right?"

She stared at him. "I've never threatened-

"I mean his PHONE number."

"Oh, that. Yeah."

"Can you call him?"

"Sure thing." She found her cell phone and turned it on.

"Prick."

She looked up. "What?"

"Hairy canary."

Stravo kicked the side of the nuke. There was a loud clang and Cyran suddenly swore in florid Buffaloian style. "Cock ass Dolphin fucking slut Cowboy bitch shit Gregg Williams!"

"Shut up!" Stravo snapped, and the torrent of verbal abuse ceased. Zaia quietly dialed and listened for a moment.

"It's busy," she finally said. "He must be using his head for something else."

"I don't know weather to laugh at that or be even more afraid," Stravo commented. Dalton grabbed, crammed, chewed, and gulped. Kuja walked in from the kitchen. Actually, walked wasn't exactly the right word. Sauntered was more like it.

"So what's up?" he asked. Stravo informed him. He shrugged lazily. "Ah, that's no big deal. I can track him down."

"You can?" Stravo asked.

"You bet. It'll be easier than a ten-dollar whore at a truckers' convention."

Zaia rolled her eyes.

"Boner, erector, arrow of love," Cyran contributed.

1st post and a new formatt.
Well' its weird no one cam deny that.

Lmao! More of the good stuff.

And people wondered why I threw this fic up for Best Denizen and most humourous...

*bangs on the basement door* Hey! Lemme out! Damn, now I know what my teachers in high school felt like, stuffed into those lockers...

I think it's good, as always, but I don't enjoy this layout as much. The other one felt more like a play, which for some reason felt more natural and as though it was actually me there...

I don't know, maybe that doesn't make sense. It's still really damn good, though. Just has a different feel.

Zaia wrote:Just has a different feel.

Of course it does. I'm messing with your head.

we needed more, because the Duchess plotline was unresolved.

Amusing.. but now, because of this:

"Cockrocket," he said a moment later. "Wang, willy, hoohoodly."

Ya GOTTA put me in there SOMEWHERE... I mean.. jeez... I brought that to your attention in the first place!!

~ver

Darth Fanboy wrote:we needed more, because the Duchess plotline was unresolved.

I'm thinking the LT's with everyone's favorite Duchess. I mean, Dalton was with Stravo...

Captain_Cyran wrote:

Darth Fanboy wrote:we needed more, because the Duchess plotline was unresolved.

I'm thinking the LT's with everyone's favorite Duchess. I mean, Dalton was with Stravo...

Im thinking Lt's about to seal the deal when suddenly the powder wears off, and a ery angry Duchess is within Arms reach of the LTs extensive bedroom weapons cache.

*shudders*

Darth Fanboy wrote:

Captain_Cyran wrote:

Darth Fanboy wrote:we needed more, because the Duchess plotline was unresolved.

I'm thinking the LT's with everyone's favorite Duchess. I mean, Dalton was with Stravo...

Im thinking Lt's about to seal the deal when suddenly the powder wears off, and a ery angry Duchess is within Arms reach of the LTs extensive bedroom weapons cache.

*shudders*

.....seal what deal with the now-airheaded femme lesbian?

~ver

verilon wrote:

Darth Fanboy wrote:

Captain_Cyran wrote: I'm thinking the LT's with everyone's favorite Duchess. I mean, Dalton was with Stravo...

Im thinking Lt's about to seal the deal when suddenly the powder wears off, and a ery angry Duchess is within Arms reach of the LTs extensive bedroom weapons cache.

*shudders*

.....seal what deal with the now-airheaded femme lesbian?

~ver

*Sits down with Ver* Well you see, when a man and a woman love each other very much...

Captain_Cyran wrote:*Sits down with Ver* Well you see, when a man and a woman love each other very much...

Note the two keywords: "LT" and "lesbian." Seal what deal?

~ver

verilon wrote:

Captain_Cyran wrote:*Sits down with Ver* Well you see, when a man and a woman love each other very much...

Note the two keywords: "LT" and "lesbian." Seal what deal?

~ver

She's probably drunk, she's an airhead. That's how a deal would be sealed. Not neccesarily though. It would be funny.

Captain_Cyran wrote:

verilon wrote:

Captain_Cyran wrote:*Sits down with Ver* Well you see, when a man and a woman love each other very much...

Note the two keywords: "LT" and "lesbian." Seal what deal?

~ver

She's probably drunk, she's an airhead. That's how a deal would be sealed. Not neccesarily though. It would be funny.

But she has a gun.

~ver

verilon wrote:But she has a gun.

~ver

Hence why it will be funny?

Captain_Cyran wrote:

verilon wrote:But she has a gun.

~ver

Hence why it will be funny?

Yep.

~ver

Darth Fanboy wrote:we needed more, because the Duchess plotline was unresolved.

It will be later.

Ya GOTTA put me in there SOMEWHERE... I mean.. jeez... I brought that to your attention in the first place!!

We'll see.

Kuja wrote:

Darth Fanboy wrote:we needed more, because the Duchess plotline was unresolved.

It will be later.

Ya GOTTA put me in there SOMEWHERE... I mean.. jeez... I brought that to your attention in the first place!!

We'll see.

It's all good if you don't.. your fic. Was just messin' with ya.

~ver

Chapter 32: Flames and the Flaming Flamers Who Flame Them


"So where are we going?" Stravo asked.

Kuja jerked a thumb at Cyran, then at himself. "We," he said with emphasis, "are going to meet a contact with the underground. You are going to wait outside. Comprende?"

"Is this guy really going to know where Hit-man went?" Zaia asked.

"It's worth a shot," Cyran said. "And if he doesn't, there's more people we could ask."

It wasn't a very long walk, but in the crowded streets of Manhattan on a warm Sunday morning, it seemed longer. Kuja and Cyran stopped in front of a building and muttered a few words between themselves. "This is it," Kuja announced. "You three wait here. We'll only be a few minutes."

"This old place?" Dalton said, looking up at the dilapidated building.

"Rob, sometimes it's better to just not ask," Cyran said.


The two black mages climbed the stairs until they were near the top of the building. Finally, they arrived at a level that had never really been put to use. Various construction materials lay everywhere, but the building's metal beams were all that stood upright. Most of the windows were boarded up and allowed only a tiny amount of sunlight through. "Verilon?" Kuja asked. A sudden hiss silenced him.

A cloud of darkness began to congeal in front of the two mages. "What is it you want?" a voice hissed. "You've interrupted my sleep, so it had better be worth-"

"Oh, for fuck's sake," Cyran muttered. He stooped and picked up a brick, then hurled it through the cloud.

"OW!" the voice said, and the cloud quickly collapsed into the image of a man holding his temple. "What the hell was that for?!" he snapped.

"We're on a limited schedule, Ver," Kuja said. "We don't have time for your little displays. Now, have you heard anything about the El-tee recently?"

The daywalker snarled and revealed his fangs. "You toss a brick at me and then you want information? Go to hell." He turned around.

"Don't walk away from me, Verilon," Kuja said. The vampire turned.

"What are you going to do? I'm a vampire! You can't hurt me!" He indicated the spot on his head where the brick had nailed him. The small cut was already gone.

The two black mages exchanged a glance. "Difficulties are lessons," Kuja recited, raising his arm.

"Obstacles are challenges," Cyran added, also raising his arm.

"Impossibilities are invitations," Kuja finished. "FIRE THREE!" they said together. A massive ball of flame erupted from their palms and slammed into Verilon. Instantly, the vampire was engulfed in orange flames. He screeched and dropped to the floor to begin rolling.

"Didn't you ever play Final Fantasy, fangboy?" Cyran taunted. "Vampires are weak against fire magic!" The two mages turned and left just as Verilon slammed into a pole. The weakened support collapsed, and all the levels above came crashing down on top of the poor bloodsucker.

"That'll keep him busy for a few days," Kuja said.


"What the hell just happened?" Dalton said as they exited.

"Don't ask," Kuja said. "On to the next contact."


The next stop was cleaner than the previous, but not for lack of trying. Dirty clothes, old computer magazines, and computer parts littered the rug. The lights were dim. The room's long occupant sat hunched over a monitor currently displaying the infamous Blue Screen of Doom. "Fucking Windows XP spyware," the operator said to himself.

Kuja threw the door open. "Yo Crayz!" he said loudly. "We're here."

Crayz jumped high enough to check the wattage in the ceiling light. "Don't do that!" he said as he landed. "This is very delicate equipment!"

"Yeah, sure. Did I hurt your porn stash? Or was it your fantasy football team?"

"It wasn't either of those, it was-" Crayz's face turned beet red. "You'd better have a good reason for coming here!" he said.

Kuja waved a roll of bills. "Hit-man," he said. "Where is he?"

Crayz gestured to the locked-up computer. "I can't help you."

"Well then," Kuja said. "You're useless, aren't you?" As he turned to leave, Cyran caught his eye. Kuja chuckled.


Zaia nearly had a heart attack when she heard shattering glass followed by a scream. Looking up, she saw a burning human figure falling from one of the apartment building's windows and into the Hudson River. She shuddered. "Do you think Kuja and Cyran-" she started.

"Absolutely," Dalton said. Stravo turned to see the two of them coming out the main entrance.

"What the hell-"

"Don't. Ask."


The elevator delivered Kuja and Cyran to their third and final contact. It opened up into a luxurious restaurant straight out of Matrix: Reloaded. At the center table was a bearded man and several bodyguards. "Hey Raoul," Kuja said. "Long time."

"Not long enough," Raoul Duke Jr. muttered. He watched the two mages yank a pair of seats out and drop into them. "So, Mister Kuja. What can I refuse to do for you today?"

"Stop your grandstanding. We want to know where Hit-man is."

"Out of his mind, most likely," Raoul said, pouring himself a glass of wine.

CYRAN: Yeah, but that's not what we mean.

*KUJA turns to look at him*

"Did something just happen?" he asked.

"Yeah," Cyran said. "Felt kind of weird-"

"Yes, yes, yes it's all very weird," Raoul said brusquely. "Now will you two gentlemen please make yourselves go away and cease interrupting my day?"

Kuja didn't budge. "You know Raoul, you've got one heck of a chip on your shoulder that I'd like to knock off," he said.

Raoul wiped his mouth and rose. "You're welcome to try," he said.

Kuja pushed his chair out noisily and stood. With a flick of his fingers, a ball of fire appeared in his hand. "Last chance, bro," he said.

"I'm not your bud, pal, bro, or any other term you might use to suggest familiarity," Raoul snapped.

Kuja shrugged. "Have it your way, then." He chucked the fireball , hitting Raoul squarely in the chest. Almost immediately, the fire went out. "What the hell?"

Raoul grinned smugly. "Magic-retardant long johns, of course."

"Dude!" Kuja said. "That's not cool."

CYRAN: Hey Kuja?

KUJA: Yeah?

CYRAN: He's got a beard.

KUJA: Dude, that's cool!

RAOUL: Merde.

*CUT TO the others on the sidewalk*

DALTON: See, it was this miniature Idiom Switch the whole time!

STRAVO: Why do you carry that thing around, Rob?

DALTON: Keeps things interesting, I guess.

ZAIA: I wish they'd finish whatever they're blowing up and get back down here. They're wasting time.

*CUT TO: the now completely trashed restaurant. Virtually everything is scorched and a few people huddle under tables*

KUJA: Well that was fun.

CYRAN: Yeah, and we even found out where the El-tee is!

KUJA: Yeah, once Raoul warms up a bit, he's a pretty talkative guy, isn't he? Let's go.

*on their way down the stairs, KUJA sees a white cat*

KUJA: Hey, don't look now! Look at him! Furry guy! Looks kind of flammable!

CYRAN: Oh, flammable? I LIKE flammable. What do we do?

*KUJA pulls out a tank of kerosene*

KUJA: Come here, furry guy...

SINGULAR QUARTET: You must think I'm really stupid.

KUJA: I've got cat food.

QUARTET: Where?!

*he dashes over. CUT TO the sidewalk as QUARTET burst through the main lobby doors yammering his head off and engulfed in flames. A nearby WOMAN grabs her cell phone*

WOMAN: Hello, police? I'd like to report a low-flying meteor!

*QUARTET disappears into a nearby alley as KUJA and CYRAN exit, laughing their heads off*

ZAIA: You didn't...did you?

BOTH: DON'T ASK!

STRAVO: Wait a second, shouldn't this have been named The Search Begins, Part 2?

KUJA: Technically yeah, but I liked this better.

1ST POST
Hahahahha
Kewl chapter.

*grumbles something about fires and other crap before begining to plot his revenge*