StarDestroyer.Net BBS

Trumpets blare as a new chapter of the greatest fanfic ever is completed! Oh yes, there's also more of this:


Part 35: Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, over!


*OPEN UP on a sidewalk*

CYRAN: Hey Stravo?

STRAVO: What?

CYRAN: Nevermind.

STRAVO: Okay.

*silence*

CYRAN: Hey, Stravo?

STRAVO: Yeah?

CYRAN: Nothing.

*STRAVO sighs*

CYRAN: Hey Strav-

STRAVO: WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

*a moment of shocked silence. CYRAN curls up into a ball and begins sobbing*

KUJA: NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!

STRAVO: But I-

ZAIA: Was that shouting really necessary?

STRAVO: But, but, but, but-

DALTON: Great one! I didn't know you could do sputtering engines! Hey, what do you think of my noisy carburetor?

*he starts to inhale*

KUJA: Stravo, apologize to Cyran before he drowns us all!

STRAVO: Okay, okay! I'm sorry, Cyran.

*CYRAN stands up, totally calm*

CYRAN: Sure thing.

STRAVO: Wait a minute...that was a trick, wasn't it?!

*both Black Mages dissolve into laughter. STRAVO turns red*

STRAVO: Assholes...

ZAIA: Looks like somebody needs a hug.

*the laughter disappears as ZAIA hugs STRAVO. STRAVO looks over at KUJA and CYRAN to see both of them wearing hoods and KUJA holding a noose*

KUJA: Death...

*STRAVO blinks and shakes his head. KUJA and CYRAN go back to normal*

VOICE: I beg your pardon, brother. Can you help me?

DALTON: *turns* Sure, what do you-oh my GOD!

*camera pans to reveal a batch of Warhammer 40,000 SPACE MARINES standing on the sidewalk and towering over DALTON*

CAPTAIN: My brothers and I require your aid. We have been endeavoring to reach Times Square, but upon the way, have become lost. In the name of the Emperor, will you lend us your wisdom?

DALTON: Uh...sure thing.

*several minutes pass as DALTON gives directions*

CAPTAIN: Many thanks, brother Rob! May the Emperor of Man watch over you!

DALTON: Uh-

CAPTAIN: Now, to Times Square!

*the SPACE MARINES charge off*

STRAVO: Um, did anything about that seem…weird…to you guys?

KUJA: Besides the fact that a bunch of ten-foot-tall cyborg religious zealots with weaponry that's a few tens of millennia ahead of ours are running around New York?

STRAVO: No, that's what I meant.

ZAIA: Not to change the subject, but does anyone hear that?

CYRAN: You mean the screaming, shouting, and shattering?

ZAIA: Yeah. Sounds like it's coming from around the corner.

*they look around the corner to realize that the riot from yesterday is still going on*

DALTON: What the hell? Is that King Steve's?

KUJA: I think 'was' is a better term.

CYRAN: Hey, look at that!

*CYRAN points to a bunch of freakish green creatures in medieval armor running around and smashing things*

KUJA: Those are Uruk-hai!

STRAVO: But what the hell are they doing here?

CYRAN: Maybe they came out of that blackish-holey-looking thing?

*he points up at a giant portal in the sky*

KUJA: Um...that's not good.

ZAIA: What IS it?

STRAVO: Whatever it is, it's not good. Let's grab the El-Tee and get to the bottom of this.

KUJA: Death...

STRAVO: WHAT?!

KUJA: I said right! Brother!

*CUT TO the middle of the riot*

NITRAM: I say, Wilson, that's a fine lead pipe you're carrying!

WILSON: Why, thank you! *he pulls out a credit card* I bought it using my new credit card! It has a jolly good low rate!

*NITRAM pulls out his own card*

NITRAM: But is it a low FIXED rate like my Capital One no-hassle card?

WILSON: My word! Low and fixed? But...what's going to happen to MY rate?

*the RINGWRAITHS ride by. One of them grabs WILSON and hauls him off as they do so*

NITRAM: Poor chap.

*close in on a RINGWRAITH*

RINGWRAITH: Whaaaat'ssssss iiiiinnnnn YOOOUUUUUUURRRRRR waaaaaallllllleet?

1st post
EDIT: Kewl last line.

How the HELL did I miss the last chapter before this one. Jeez. Good one and now we have LOTR referneces flying fast and furious. Excellent and particularly got a kick out of the "Set us up the bomb." bit.

*bursting in laughter* That last part is damn good.~Jason

Dude! Marines!
On top of that the "What's in your wallet" just rocked!

That last line was hilarious. Keep it up, man.

Kuja wrote:ZAIA: Looks like somebody needs a hug.

*the laughter disappears as ZAIA hugs STRAVO. STRAVO looks over at KUJA and CYRAN to see both of them wearing hoods and KUJA holding a noose*

KUJA: Death...

*CUT TO the middle of the riot*

NITRAM: I say, Wilson, that's a fine lead pipe you're carrying!

WILSON: Why, thank you! *he pulls out a credit card* I bought it using my new credit card! It has a jolly good low rate!

*NITRAM pulls out his own card*

NITRAM: But is it a low FIXED rate like my Capital One no-hassle card?

WILSON: My word! Low and fixed? But...what's going to happen to MY rate?

*the RINGWRAITHS ride by. One of them grabs WILSON and hauls him off as they do so*

NITRAM: Poor chap.

*close in on a RINGWRAITH*

RINGWRAITH: Whaaaat'ssssss iiiiinnnnn YOOOUUUUUUURRRRRR waaaaaallllllleet?

Zod, I can't stop laughing!

Part 36: Chases and monologues...just like Shakespeare!



*OPEN UP on a New York jewelry store. The front window shatters as a rock flies through it and a bunch of guys dressed in ragged clothing and carrying sacks of jewelry burst out*

PIRATE: Arrrrrrrrrrrr!

*they run off. The OWNER runs out carrying a sawed-off shotgun*

OWNER: Get back here!

*he chases them down the block*

STRAVO: Is it me, or is this getting weirder with every passing minute?

KUJA AND CYRAN: It's you.

STRAVO: Oh. Hey, wait a sec-

*KUJA and CYRAN burst out laughing*

KUJA: Seriously though, this IS getting pretty weird, even by my standards.

DALTON: I'm willing to bet is has something to do with that big portal there.

*he gestures to the massive portal hanging in the sky. It suddenly glows a bit and ejects some objects that fall towards Manhattan and land far away. This is accompanied by a sound curiously similar to massive flatulence*

ZAIA: That was pleasant.

DALTON: Uh, Cyran?

CYRAN: Yeah?

DALTON: What's that you're carrying?

CYRAN: Nothing.

DALTON: All right then, what's that you're DRAGGING?

CYRAN: Nothing.

KUJA: Looks like a really big gun to me...

STRAVO: Cyran. You didn't steal a gun from the Space Marines, did you?!

VOICE: BETRAYAL! HERETICS!

CYRAN: Well, it was hanging in a back holster and it wasn't secured and it was just begging to be picked up-

KUJA: No time for explanations! Run!

*the group scatters as the SPACE MARINES run on and begin chasing them around. ZAIA and STRAVO run left to right, chased by a pair of MARINES. KUJA and CYRAN run right to left, chased by another pair. ROB runs on, opens up a door and slams it behind him. The MARINE behind him smashes right through. ZAIA and STRAVO run right to left, still being chased. KUJA and CYRAN run on from right, get halfway across, and start doing hopscotch. The MARINES chasing them stop, look at each other, shrug, and do hopscotch as well. They all go off left. A trio of frightened MARINES run on from right, being chased by ROB SMASH. KUJA runs on with CYRAN on his shoulders. The MARINES chasing them do same. KUJA leads them under a streetlight and the top MARINE bashes his head on it. STRAVO and a MARINE run on being chased by ZAIA and another MARINE. Blond MARINA prances across, closely pursued by about a dozen MARINES. Action continues as GOLLUM slinks on, crouches at the front of an alleyway, and proceeds to talk to himself*

GOLLUM: Stupid, fat, hobbitses. We hates them, oh yes, my love, we hates them. They treats us like shits, they do. Stupid fucking hobbitses. They make Smeagol's life terrible. They play their stupid fucking music and make Smeagol's ears hurt. They drinks their cheap beer and get smashed and piss in Smeagol's pool. And they fucks like rabbitses! They come to Smeagol's cave and set up a red light district! Now Smeagol never gets any sleep! We hates them, yes, yes! Gollum, gollum! Stupid fucking hobbitses! Smeagol wakes up at night to hear stupid hobbitses yelling 'coming, coming!' and Smeagol tells them to go the fuck aways, but stupid hobbitses keep yelling 'coming, coming!' And Smeagol waits, but they never show up. Stupid fucking hobbitses. Gollum, gollum! Smeagol will show them! Smeagol sent their favorite brothel a pipe bomb! Now they knows who is master!

*he stops to realize that the entire squad of MARINES is staring at him*

GOLLUM: Sorry. Smeagol will go now?

*he slinks off, still muttering to himself*

KUJA: NOW!

*the MARINES look up to see ROB SMASH leap from the top of the building*

MARINE: WATCH OUT!

*they panic and start to scatter, but ROB squashes the entire squad*

CYRAN: Whew. That was close.

*KUJA takes hold of CYRAN and beats him a bit*

KUJA: Next time you steal a weapon from a bunch of ultra-powered maniacs, YOU WARN ME ABOUT IT!

CYRAN: OKAY, OKAY!

AAAAAAARRRRR, twas a mighty fine chapter!

And as a Chaos player i just loved seeing the marines get mashed!

and first post!

Haha, very good.

New York will BURN! THE YANKEES WILL DIE!!! AND THE RED SOX WILL WIN THE WORLD SERIES!!!!!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhaha....

*glares at staring people.*

What, you've never seen someone laugh manically before?

*Random chattering of assent, and everybody goes back to their business.*

Geheheheheheh....

Good, good times. Caught up on the last two chapters, babe, and they are hilarious! Very nice work, as usual.

The Gollum rant was just hilarious.

Part 37: Toho's Counterattack


*rapid zoom-in on a NYC building to focus on an upper-story window. CUT TO: inside the building, specifically, a lavish penthouse suite. An Asian-looking man wearing dark sunglasses stands at the window. Another man, also wearing sunglasses, enters the room*

MAN: Greetings, Captain. Did you have a good trip?

CAPTAIN: I'm totally exhausted, Commander. These human planes are horrible. One minute in them is worse than a hundred years of space travel. They're so unstable, they shake like they're ready to fall apart!

COMMANDER: Yes, we're aware of their limitations-

CAPTAIN: And the tightness! A cryopod has more elbow room than one of their seats!

COMMANDER: Yes, I-

CAPTAIN: And their food! I'd rather consume Deraktix poison than eat the-

COMMANDER: CAPTAIN!

*the CAPTAIN composes himself*

CAPTAIN: I apologize. Does everything proceed on schedule?

COMMANDER: Yes. We will be ready to strike before day's end.

*the CAPTAIN moves to look out the window again*

CAPTAIN: New York City...

COMMANDER: Yes Captain, the 'Big Apple' will be excellent. As human cities go, it's a perfect blending of pollution, confusion, and corruption.

CAPTAIN: We'll crush New York into the dirt. Then we'll rebuild it to our exacting specifications.

*he smiles*

CAPTAIN: The earthlings won't know what hit them!

*both men laugh as we CUT TO: the interior of a submarine*

SONAR OFFICER: Sir, I'm picking something up.

CAPTAIN: What?

SONAR: A blip, sir.

CAPTAIN: Oh, that's not too serious…*he thinks for a moment* Wait, is this a blip, or is it a...'blip'?

SONAR: Um...I think it qualifies as a 'blip', sir.

CAPTAIN: Sound battle stations! Helm, get us pointed towards that thing! Weapons, I want torpedo tubes one and two loaded, flooded, and ready to fire!

*zoom in on two crew members*

CREW ONE: Ever get the impression that the Navy's lowered its standards recently?

CREW TWO: No, why?

*zoom out*

SONAR: Sir, it's closing on us!

CAPTAIN: Fire!

*a pair of rumbles. The scene shakes a bit*

SONAR: Torpedoes closing, sir.

CAPTAIN: What?! When did they fire?

SONAR: No sir, ours.

CAPTAIN: Oh thank God.

SONAR: 3...2...1...direct impact!

CAPTAIN: Did we get 'em?

SONAR: Looks like it, Captain!

*the scene rumbles a bit. Water suddenly starts pouring in. The SONAR OFFICER suddenly looks guiltily at his Game Boy Advance*

SONAR: Or maybe I was playing too much Lady Sia and forgot to watch my screen.

*CUT TO: the water outside as the sub is crunched by an unseen force. CUT TO: the sidewalks of NYC, where CYRAN is attempting to stuff the stolen Marine gun into his bag*

STRAVO: Cyran, you managed to fit a full-size refrigerator in there. How can you possibly be having trouble with a gun?

CYRAN: Well, it's all part of the laws of mysticism.

DALTON: OK, again. With the help files.

CYRAN: You tell them, Kuj.

KUJA: As you well know, the majority of fantasy or role-playing games, especially the Final Fantasy series (long may it live) allow groups to carry ludicrous amounts of equipment and medicines.

*ALL make affirmative responses*

KUJA: But at the same time, a character can only equip one or two weapons at a time. And some characters can't equip certain types of weapons. Like, in the original Final Fantasy (hallowed be thy name) a fighter can't use a staff and a black mage can't use an axe.

ZAIA: Okay, but what does this have to do with Cyran shoving his gun in a bag?

DALTON: That SO did not sound right.

ZAIA: Oh, thank you for that lovely response.

DALTON: Well, if you wouldn't-

KUJA: ANYWAY, what's happening here is a black mage attempting to make use of a heavy offensive weapon, something often unheard of in fantasy.

STRAVO: But you guys were carry blaster rifles earlier…

KUJA: True. But you see, a Space Marine Bolter is different because-

DALTON: Is this going to involve technobabble?

KUJA: Yes, but it's really more like wizobabble.

DALTON: Then skip it.

CYRAN: OK, I got it!

*CYRAN hefts his bag*

CYRAN: Let's go.

*a sudden massive scream*

STRAVO: What the hell was that?

CYRAN: Look! Look up there!

*CUT TO the penthouse suite*

CAPTAIN: Go, Mechagodzilla!

*CUT TO outside as MECHAGODZILLA descends from the sky and sets down on a street*

KUJA: Oh, shit.

*MECHAGODZILLA raises one arm and sets himself. His hand rotates, then suddenly stops and fires off a series of finger-rockets that devastate the block in front of him*

ZAIA: Guys, do something!

KUJA: Are you kidding?!

CYRAN: We're black mages, not giant-monster fighters!

*MECHAGODZILLA fires his eye beams and wipes out another city block. People begin to panic and stampede away. Curiously, all of them are Japanese*

KUJA: The only one who could do anything would be-

*a very familiar bellow. A dark form rises at the southern end of Manhattan*

STRAVO: It's-

DALTON: It's-

ZAIA: It's-

CYRAN: It's-

*KUJA moves his lips. A moment later, the voice-over kicks in*

KUJA: GODZILLA!

*GODZILLA roars and stomps forward, tail swiping back and forth behind him. MECHAGODZILLA turns to face him. GODZILLA stops and does some arm-waving and growling*

CAPTAIN: Kill him, Mechagodzilla!

*MECHAGODZILLA raises both arms and fires off a fusillade of rockets that detonate both on and around GODZILLA. GODZILLA roars in pain and falls, but his fins glow and he opens up with his fire breath as he hits the ground, catching MECHAGODZILLA in the shoulder. Sparks erupt*

DALTON: They're going to level the whole city!

STRAVO: Dunno, might actually be an improvement.

DALTON: You can't be serious!

STRAVO: Well, just think...there would be plenty of parking for once!

DALTON: Hey, good point...

ZAIA: Can't we do ANYTHING?

KUJA: I, for one, suggest getting as far away as possible.

CYRAN: Seconded.

ZAIA: Cowards.

KUJA: Not at all. Godzilla and company just have a tendency to cause a lot of collateral damage wherever they go-

*GODZILLA stands and bellows, then charges forward, slamming MECHAGODZILLA into another building. MECHAGODZILLA fires his eye beams wildly*

KUJA: -and I'd rather not be caught in it.

VOICE: Don't give up hope just yet!

KUJA: Huh?

STRAVO: Who?

LT: It's me!

*HIT-MAN steps out from around the corner*

CYRAN: El-tee!

STRAVO: Where the hell have you been?

LT: Over by the oven.

DALTON: ...what?

LT: Never mind. Just follow me. I know who's controlling Mechagodzilla!

*GODZILLA tackles MECHAGODZILLA a second time and wipes out a few more buildings*

CYRAN: Who is it?

LT: Aliens! Who else?

KUJA: Well, there actually was one time in the series when-

CYRAN: Shut up, Mister Know-it-all!

KUJA: Make me, Mister Janeway's Boyfriend!

CYRAN: I AM NOT HER BOYFRIEND! YOU TRICKED ME INTO GIVING HER A PICKUP LINE!

KUJA: *smugly* Yes. Indeed I did.

CYAN: ...asshole.

ZAIA: *with resignation* And the ego crushes yet another potential obstacle.

LT: 'Scuse me, people? Aliens? Monsters? Crushing the city? Gotta stop them?

KUJA: Oh, right.

STRAVO: Sorry El-tee, it's just way too easy to get sidetracked with their lovers' spats.

KUJA AND CYRAN: FUCK YOU!

*fade out*

Kuja wrote:DALTON: They're going to level the whole city!

STRAVO: Dunno, might actually be an improvement.

Heheheheh.... Good chapter. As usual.

SECOND POST! Er...wait. Never mind, that's not worth caps.

Curiously, all of them are Japanese.

Hehe, nice, Kuja.

*hunts down Blue Oyster Cult CD and begins playing "Godzilla"*

Obviously someone placed a homing beacon from Tokyo in New York.

Sort of an Interlude But Not Really: The Chaos Friends!


ANNOUNCER: They are four. Four beings of death and destruction. Four creatures of famine and decay. Four monsters dedicated to bringing down the universe as we know it. They are the four Chaos Gods: Slaanesh, Tzeentch, Khorne, and Nurgle. And now, they have been brought to modern-day New York City...to face the challenges of everyday life! They are…the Chaos Friends!

*open up on a lavish penthouse suite. SLAANESH is brewing a pot of coffee. KHORNE storms in one door, then out another. SLAANESH finishes the brewing and gulps down the entire pot, then shudders*

SLAANESH: No sin, no sacrament greater than Maxwell House coffee...aaaah.

KHORNE: Hey orgasm boy!

SLAANESH: *annoyed* What?

KHORNE: You seen my favorite tie?

SLAANESH: No, why?

KHORNE: I've got a job interview!

SLAANESH: Good. Just make sure you don't kill and devour this one.

*laugh track*

*SLAANESH goes to make more coffee while KHORNE storms in and looks around again*

KHORNE: Damn it, I know I left it somewhere around-

*TZEENTCH leaps into the room*

TZEENTCH: *in a way too flamboyant voice* Hello, everyone!

*applause*

KHORNE: You're entirely too happy...what've you done this time?

TZEENTCH: I remodeled your bedroom, Khorne!

SLAANESH: *to himself* First, panic.

KHORNE: You WHAT?!

SLAANESH: Then, denial.

KHORNE: You couldn't have done it again...you did it last week, for hell's sake!

SLAANESH: And finally...anger.

KHORNE: If you messed it up, I'm gonna slaughter you!

*KHORNE dashes off. TZEENTCH goes to sit at the table*

TZEENTCH: I was really inspired-

SLAANESH: Spare me. No, on second thought, don't.

*he gulps down the second pot of coffee*

SLAANESH: Ahhhhh...

*laugh track*

KHORNE: AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHH!!!

TZEENTCH: Oh, I think he likes it!

*laugh track*

KHORNE: YOU TURNED MY BEDROON INTO A CIRCUS TENT!

TZEENTCH: With clowns!

KHORNE: I HATE CLOWNS!

SLAANESH: Here comes the hurricane.

*laugh track*

*KHORNE bursts in with an axe*

TZEENTCH: But all I did was some rearranging!

KHORNE: I'm gonna rearrange your face!

*he chases TZEENTCH around the room and finally into the closet. KHORNE slams to door on TZEENTCH*

TZEENTCH: But I want to come out!

KHORNE: Then change your mind! If you have one.

*laugh track*

*NURGLE enters, holding his midsection*

NURGLE: I don't feel too good...

KHORNE: Yeah, what else is new?

NURGLE: No, like, extra not good.

*KHORNE turns*

KHORNE: You don't mean-

NURGLE: Ooooohhh...here it comes.

KHORNE: NO! NOT ON THE COUCH!

*NURGLE pukes all over the white couch*

KHORNE: I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE MY INTERVIEW THERE, MORON!

SLAANESH: Nurgle, maybe you should just stay in the bathroom.

NURGLE: Okay...

*he starts to walk out, but only gets as far as the corner before he throws up again. And we're talking full-on projectile vomiting here, folks. That corner's gonna need new paint*

KHORNE: OUT! GET OUT!

NURGLE: Okay...uh oh.

*he runs for the bathroom. SLAANESH follows and the sound of massive flatulence emanates from the doorway*

KHORNE: Oh man...he was eating pizza and anchovies before bed again!

*laugh track*

*SLAANESH enters*

KHORNE: Tell me he made it...please.

SLAANESH: Well, he made it to the bathroom, just not to the toilet.

KHORNE: THAT'S IT, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

*he whips out the axe*

KHORNE: BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!

SLAANESH: Will you please stop referring to yourself like that, you egomaniac?

KHORNE: Soul-guzzling queen!

SLAANESH: It takes one to know one!

KHORNE: Oh, how can this day get any worse?

*the doorbell rings*

*laugh track*

KHORNE: Oh no...hide me!

*SLAANESH Shoves KHORNE into the closet*

TZEENTCH: Well, hello there!

KHORNE: Keep your mouth shut and you won't lose it.

*SLAANESH slams the door on both of them and goes to the front door*

SLAANESH: Yes?

MAN: We're here to see Tzeentch. Is he here, please?

*cut to the closet*

TZEENTCH: Oh, I knew I shouldn't have joined the Jehovah's Witnesses! I changed my mind ten minutes later!

KHORNE: You're a damned idiot.

*laugh track*

*cut to the living room*

SLAANESH: I'm sorry, you just missed him.

WITNESS: Well then, would you be interested in-

*SLAANESH slams the door*

SLAANESH: I might be the god of Hedonism, but even I can't stand that stuff!

*laugh track*

SLAANESH: You two can come out of your love nest now!

*KHORNE bursts out just ahead of TZEENTCH*

KHORNE: For the last time, I will not wear that pink and purple dress! Whatever games your playing, I'm not interested!

TZEENTCH: But it would look perfect with your-

*doorbell*

SLAANESH: Back in the closet!

*laugh track*

KHORNE: Fine.

TZEENTCH: Oh, goody!

*TZEENTCH goes in first, then KHORNE slams the door on him and boards it up*

KHORNE: Muwhahahahahahaaa!

SLAANESH: *sigh*

*doorbell*

KHORNE: All right, I'm coming!

*he opens the door to see KUJA and CYRAN*

KHORNE: Whaddaya want?

KUJA: Hi, we're-

KHORNE: We don't want any!

*he slams the door*

TZZENTCH: Such anger!

KHORNE: YYYYAAAAARRRRRGH! HOW DID YOU GET OUT OF THERE!

TZEENTCH: Oh Khorne, you should know by now that I'm good at wriggling my way out of tight spaces!

*applause*

TZZENTCH: So, who's for ice cream?

*sounds of NURGLE barfing*

TZEENTCH: I'll take that as a yes.

*cut to the hallway*

KUJA: What the hell was that guy's problem?

CYRAN: Fuck if I know.

KUJA: Explosives?

CYRAN: Explosives.

*cut to the living room*

TZEENTCH: Be back soon!

*he goes to the door, which promptly explodes*

KHORNE: YES! THERE IS A GOD!

TZEENTCH: Well, that was unexpected.

KHORNE: ...and he absolutely despises me.

*applause. A hand shoves an Oscar into the screen*

TZEENTCH: Thank you! You love me! You really love me!

KHORNE: Somebody, please make it stop.

*laugh track*

1st post. Weird. In fact weirder than usual which i dodn't know was possible.