Which superhero could the world really use?

Robert Treder · Post by **Robert Treder** » 2003-03-09 06:03pm

Pablo Sanchez wrote:Jesus: Okay...
I went over to the U.N. and I told them to make world peace and equalize world wealth, and they did it. Then I demanded that the city of Montgomery, Alabama, become my disciples. They're going to go to Africa and cure AIDS in my name.
I also multiplied a loaf of Wonderbread and a pickled Herring until there was enough to stabilize North Korea's food supply, and I compelled the millions of new Christians in that area to depose their communist government.
Then I got back to the Justice Satillite and made a chair.

Why would the U.N. listen to Jesus?

And haven't you read Superman: Peace on Earth? Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime.

I'm not seeing Jesus being a very good superhero. He's maybe Wonder Twins-caliber. At least Aquaman is strong.

Lonestar · Post by **Lonestar** » 2003-03-09 06:08pm

Admiral Johnason wrote:Or he would kill all of the Teleavangilast and prove to us that he is the Savior.

Nah. That's the job for my own Super Hero of Choice, The Amazing Randi[/url]

Admiral Johnason · Post by **Admiral Johnason** » 2003-03-09 06:08pm

Actually, he would be stronger than the Specter, for those of you who knoe who that is.

He could kill with a thought, like in the Gopel of Thomas. He could alsobring inanimate matter to life, form the same gospel. However, these are gnostic gospels, so those points are debatable.

Lonestar · Post by **Lonestar** » 2003-03-09 06:12pm

Admiral Johnason wrote:Actually, he would be stronger than the Specter, for those of you who knoe who that is.

.

Who would be stronger than the Spectre? Jesus?

Isn't that kind of a given?

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2003-03-09 06:15pm

Admiral Johnason wrote:Actually, he would be stronger than the Specter, for those of you who knoe who that is.

Jesus is a 130-lb weakling. Don't you watch South Park?

He could kill with a thought, like in the Gopel of Thomas. He could alsobring inanimate matter to life, form the same gospel. However, these are gnostic gospels, so those points are debatable.

The Gospel of Thomas is about as canon as the Gospel of Fuzzy, which I composed this morning while sitting on the toilet.

Pablo Sanchez · Post by **Pablo Sanchez** » 2003-03-09 06:18pm

All of this applies to him being placed in mythological ancient Rome, where his debating opponents are useless (sorry, but "prominent temple scholar" translates roughly into "moron"), and people were willing to believe just about anybody was the Messiah. Today, the atheists would ignore him, the moderates would doubt him, and the fundies would think he's a heretic and burn him at the stake.

So people are just going to fail to notice him repeatedly performing impossible miracles. There are lots of people who fall for false miracles all the time, and they're just going to look away when a person claiming to be Jesus shows up and performs scientifically verifiable miracles? I find that a little hard to believe.

You're also apparently quite prejudiced when it comes to matters of religion. Believe it or not, Jewish law is rather complex and it takes someone a bit more advanced than a "moron" to understand.

I can do that with some industrial chemicals; this is not a power that's going to change the world.

So does the guy who renovated my basement.

I was joking. I guess I walked into the area where people are either aggressive atheists or hardcore comic book fans, and the people with senses of humor flee in terror. Perhaps you should put up signs.

Sorry...

Pablo Sanchez · Post by **Pablo Sanchez** » 2003-03-09 06:22pm

Darth Wong wrote:Jesus is a 130-lb weakling. Don't you watch South Park?

Considering his occupation (wandering holy man) and the era in which he lived, I'd bet that he's no taller than 5'5" and would only weigh 130 if he was lucky.

The Gospel of Thomas is about as canon as the Gospel of Fuzzy, which I composed this morning while sitting on the toilet.

I believe Chuck referred to the apocrypha as "the world's first recorded incidence of fan-fiction."

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2003-03-09 06:27pm

Pablo Sanchez wrote:You're also apparently quite prejudiced when it comes to matters of religion. Believe it or not, Jewish law is rather complex and it takes someone a bit more advanced than a "moron" to understand.

Really? Why? Do you believe it takes genuine intelligence (as opposed to mere diligence) to memorize a lot of legalistic bullshit and then be stunned into shocked silence when someone gives you an answer you've never heard before? Because that's what his debating opponents did, and that is completely consistent with my evaluation. Morons.

I was joking. I guess I walked into the area where people are either aggressive atheists or hardcore comic book fans, and the people with senses of humor flee in terror. Perhaps you should put up signs.

Sorry...

I'm just playing along with your game. Don't get all whiny and pull a crying fit just because you're not winning.

Robert Treder · Post by **Robert Treder** » 2003-03-09 06:28pm

I don't think that Jesus is more powerful than in any version of the Specter. Though the Specter's powers are never really clearly defined, we know he can manipulate space (and time too? I'm not sure) to his will, and he can make people pay for their sins, which is sort of like Revelations-Jesus. But I think we're talking about alive-Jesus, aren't we?

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2003-03-09 06:34pm

Robert Treder wrote:I don't think that Jesus is more powerful than in any version of the Specter. Though the Specter's powers are never really clearly defined, we know he can manipulate space (and time too? I'm not sure) to his will, and he can make people pay for their sins, which is sort of like Revelations-Jesus. But I think we're talking about alive-Jesus, aren't we?

Yes. Living Jesus was a pussy. He had some parlour tricks but the Muslims and Jews never believed in his first incarnation, and the Christian fundies would suddenly learn to be skeptics when confronted with a resurrected Messiah whose return has not been surrounded with all of the necessary prophesied events (they're quite good at shifting gears from mindless acceptance to ridiculously extreme, evidence-proof skepticism when it suits them, as anyone who has debated evolution with them will know). Besides, Revelations is one of those "dream-sequence" episodes, like "All Good Things" in Star Trek. It doesn't actually take place in the canon series.

Lonestar · Post by **Lonestar** » 2003-03-09 06:39pm

DW, what if Jesus brings out his Super Action Friends? Buddha, Joeseph Smith, Moses, and Se-man.

Robert Treder · Post by **Robert Treder** » 2003-03-09 06:42pm

Lonestar wrote:DW, what if Jesus brings out his Super Action Friends? Buddha, Joeseph Smith, Moses, and Se-man.

That would help, but this scenario is like Highlander...there can be only one!

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2003-03-09 06:43pm

Lonestar wrote:DW, what if Jesus brings out his Super Action Friends? Buddha, Joeseph Smith, Moses, and Se-man.

Buddha is grossly overweight, although he might be good against the Kingpin. Moses was just a two-bit con artist who took the credit for a series of bad luck, such as insect infestations, eclipses of the Sun, a plague, etc. and has no real powers. If you want powerful religious superheroes, you've gotta look at guys like Hercules and Thor. Samson was pretty tough too, suspending disbelief and all that, but since everyone knows his weakness for chicks and the long hair thing, he'd go down pretty quick.

Lonestar · Post by **Lonestar** » 2003-03-09 06:49pm

So long as we're talking religious superheros (man, are we starting to go away from the intent of the OP or what?), what about Prophets like Elijah who can call down fire from Heaven? (or have a large bear eat kids that make fun of his bald scalp.)

Pablo Sanchez · Post by **Pablo Sanchez** » 2003-03-09 07:01pm

Lonestar wrote:So long as we're talking religious superheros (man, are we starting to go away from the intent of the OP or what?), what about Prophets like Elijah who can call down fire from Heaven? (or have a large bear eat kids that make fun of his bald scalp.)

Eh, that probably falls under good luck and opportunism. I don't understand why anyone, especially an omnipotent, would have young boys devoured by wild animals for insulting a sensitive bald man.

Pablo Sanchez · Post by **Pablo Sanchez** » 2003-03-09 07:02pm

Darth Wong wrote:I'm just playing along with your game. Don't get all whiny and pull a crying fit just because you're not winning.

I thought you were serious.

EDIT:
I'm afraid to ask, but what are you winning at?

neoolong · Post by **neoolong** » 2003-03-09 07:05pm

Pablo Sanchez wrote:
Lonestar wrote:So long as we're talking religious superheros (man, are we starting to go away from the intent of the OP or what?), what about Prophets like Elijah who can call down fire from Heaven? (or have a large bear eat kids that make fun of his bald scalp.)
Eh, that probably falls under good luck and opportunism. I don't understand why anyone, especially an omnipotent, would have young boys devoured by wild animals for insulting a sensitive bald man.

Would have been better if God had just given the guy a lifetime supply of Rogaine.

Admiral Johnason · Post by **Admiral Johnason** » 2003-03-09 07:15pm

You would need david and Solomon.

Lonestar · Post by **Lonestar** » 2003-03-09 07:16pm

Admiral Johnason wrote:You would need david and Solomon.

....For?

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2003-03-09 07:16pm

neoolong wrote:
Pablo Sanchez wrote:
Lonestar wrote:So long as we're talking religious superheros (man, are we starting to go away from the intent of the OP or what?), what about Prophets like Elijah who can call down fire from Heaven? (or have a large bear eat kids that make fun of his bald scalp.)
Eh, that probably falls under good luck and opportunism. I don't understand why anyone, especially an omnipotent, would have young boys devoured by wild animals for insulting a sensitive bald man.
Would have been better if God had just given the guy a lifetime supply of Rogaine.

No one ever asks why God was shadowing this guy with a pack of wild bears, ready to strike at a moment's notice.

Lonestar · Post by **Lonestar** » 2003-03-09 07:18pm

Well, hasn't The Onion already established that God has Bi-Polar disorder?

Robert Treder · Post by **Robert Treder** » 2003-03-09 07:18pm

Darth Wong wrote:Buddha is grossly overweight, although he might be good against the Kingpin.

IIRC, Buddha was an ascetic for much of his life, and was quite thin and jesus-ish. The overweight portrayal is for some weird symbolic reason.

Lonestar · Post by **Lonestar** » 2003-03-09 07:27pm

Robert Treder wrote:
IIRC, Buddha was an ascetic for much of his life, and was quite thin and jesus-ish. The overweight portrayal is for some weird symbolic reason.

[joke] I have the body of a God...too bad it's Buddha [/joke]

Superman · Post by **Superman** » 2003-03-09 07:30pm

I could have sworn that I once read a fight between Captain America and Wolvie where Cap beat him down.

The image of Wolverine's claws hitting Cap's shield come to mind.

Post by **Darth Wong** » 2003-03-09 07:35pm

Robert Treder wrote:
Darth Wong wrote:Buddha is grossly overweight, although he might be good against the Kingpin.
IIRC, Buddha was an ascetic for much of his life, and was quite thin and jesus-ish. The overweight portrayal is for some weird symbolic reason.

Well, Jesus wasn't really a miracle worker either, but that doesn't stop us from suspending disbelief, just as we do for Star Trek. Don't get all historically accurate on us now