StarDestroyer.Net BBS

the lead driver of Dom, Vance McCool, shouted "engage exploding head!" The rest of the Dom force including Princess Ariola, Nerdlinger, Gooch, and Sweed shouted in unison with Vance. Dom's head exploded with such a force that Zaku was reduced to a pile of rubble. John Doe, who had been watching the battle was amazed. The Dom force gave each other high fives and returned to Castle Zontar. John jumped into his speeder and tried to intercept the Dom force. He wanted to give them...

their mail, which he had just remember had been showing up at his fortress for moths after he'd kicked them out. But before he could catch up to them, he realized his crotch was chafing -- this bothered him horribly. Momentarily engaged in a vicious flurry of testicle-scratching, he crashed at breakneck speed into...

a giant telephone pole and was never heard from again. Back at the scene of the battle, the Executioner saw all that was happening in his palantir. He viewed the chared remains of Doe and watched the Dom force return to castle Zontar. He smiled sinisterly. "Everything is going according to plan mwahahaha! First, McMahon, then the no-homers along with Zaku, and now John Doe! Hmm..the rest of that blasted Dom force just stands in my way! Soon I shall have Princess Ariola as my..."

waitress! But what do I desire? The All-American Breakfast Slam? No... not meaty enough! The Meat-Lover's Skillet? Hmm, no, slightly too meaty..." While the Executioner pondered such vital military matters, a lone figure arrived.

He bore the power of the Pitch, and the noble Briefcase of Forgotten Glory. His name was "Bob", and he had come to...

subdue the Executioner and input his personality into a soulcatcher chip, so that he could be used in the middle decades of the 21st century as a endlessly reusable attack jet pilot, bringing death to the invading alien hordes from beyond the grave. But his plans came to nothing, because...

the Dom force quickly came to the rescue with their robot merging battle vehicles. As they landed, their leader, Vance McCool threw a right that landed right on the chin of our villain. Out of nowhere, Nerdlinger landed karate kick after karate kick and to top it all off, Gooch ran head long into the villain and performed his patented gut smash! Sweed then comment to Princess Ariola that...

"we should get together." They did, and the Dom force, along with the Revolutionaries returned home, their objectives complete.

Back on the shattered planet Earth, two new armies were mobilizing against each other. They were...

The Jehovah's Witness Special Combat Evanglical Force (JWSCEV) and the Jeri Ryan Fan Club. Stout JWSCEF troops briskly and professionally loaded their Gatling Tract Launchers, while the JRFC performed Pre-battle Personality Purges and Emergency Battle-Breast enlargements. But as the two mighty forces met on the field of battle, the sky was rent asunder, celestial trumpets sounded from the four corners of the Earth, and what should appear but a...

simple Y-wing, dropping proton bombs all over the battlefield. Once both armies were wiped out, the pilot landed and stepped out. He removed his helmet, revealing that he was none other than...

John Candy! With a goofy grin, he waved to all the corpses (and pieces thereof), saying, "Hi! How ya doin'?" He then promptly had a heart attack and died -- again. At his funeral, once the furniture haulers had been convinced to lower him in, his diminutive green cousin hobbled over on his homemade cane, stared into the pit of moistened earth, and said...

"Jesus, this Jim Beam's good stuff (buurrrrrrrrp)." He then produced from his dirty mac pocket a...

Cherubim, with Eyes and Noses and foul emissions round-about, who spake unto them, saying,

"Lo! These are the words the Lord, thy Editor, sayeth unto thee: Thou hast performed many works in My sight, and they art Good unto me; yet I have a few things against thee: that thou dost utter the name of the Heathens, Berman and Braga, from thy mouth. That thou dost lay down with dorks, yea, and fornicate therewith; that thou dost go out amongst the Italics, which art mine Amusements, and perform ill acts thereunto. For this thou shalt be stricken in My sight with Sticks, and Cows, and Cheese round-about; this is my Decree and Mine Utterance, yea verily and a shalt-not for good measure."

Whereupon the Angel of the Lord climbethed into his Land-Rover of many colours, and...

KABOOM!!!! Before anyone could react another Y-Wing dropped more proton bombs this time with a vengence. Not one person remained standing and all that was left was one helluva crater. The Y Wing pilot contacted his superior officer and stated..

"Uhh, Chief?"
The Chief sounded tired, "What is it now, Toby?"
"Uh, I blew up that Angel of the Lord guy. Can I stop by Circle K for some coffee?"
Whereupon the Chief pressed a button, and Toby Burke, semi-professional race-car driver and sometime Y-Fighter pilot, took a vacation in 9 billion directions at once.

It wouldn't be until many years later that a random deep-space explorer stumbled through the area and discovered that...

the war was still going on, because every single one of the protagonists in the story secretly had nanobots in their blood that automatically rebuilt and animated their corpses.
Everybody gleefully beat the living shit out of everybody else for many, many years, until...

the shipment of whippets they'd all been waiting for finally came in, and they all started doing Nitrous shots. But when the Purple Passion was emptied to the last Everclear-saturated drop, they all got up off their tinfoil-clad asses and...

Did the happy dance....did the happy dance....

While they were transfixed by the blissful routine, the thunder of a thousand horses hooves came ringing clear from a not-so distant hillside. From out of the wood covered hillside, a blood curdling cry of "ROMA VICTORE!" split the air. The happy dance ended abruptly. A new enemy was about to burst upon the scene. With a glint of steel....

until their heads fell off, at which point there was much Confusion and Wailing and Gnashing of Teeth, until...

The new enemy produced a bag of skewers from a pocket and spent three hours crudely reattaching everybody's heads, merely so he could have a decent stand-up fight with these folks he'd traveled the infinite planes of time to confront. He was that much of a bad motherfucker; 11ft6in of pure cyborg hatred, and his name was...

Earl the Vainglorious! Earl had missed his breakfast that morning (several centuries later) and wanted nothing more than to stomp the living bejeezus out of everyone in sight! Either that or...

go to Denny's for Sunday brunch. Now much to his displeasure, Denny's was closed so he decided to...

raise an army unlike any history had ever known! Yes! The Super Duper Really Big'N'Bad Army! Yes! Now if only he could assemble the core of his fighting force, wave upon wave of battle-hardened shock-squirrels! Yes!
But then his pager went off.
It was his mom! No! She told him to...

that his homework still need to be done and that he still has chores to do so he....

...stomped that pager into talcum powder! Then he called his homey D-Vader and went to meet him at Mickey D's to get him a dime-bag of spice, but some bald guy showed up and called him dirty names.

Then they went over to Randy Beeman's house, and Randy Beeman's mom ate the Super Nintendo but she was sick so when she sneezed an X-Box flew out of her nose. 'Kay bye!

The End.

Except it wasn't really THE END, becuase just then Rick Berman and Brannon Braga hit the Reset Button and...

this time another Y-Wing dropped as many proton torps as it could to nuke the hell out of B and B. The pilot took off his helmet and it was none other than...