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Batman wrote: 2024-09-07 08:45pm The 'teenage' in there means you're not necessarily old, just that doing her would be illegal.

Sucker-punching the other kid out would also be illegal in any event, but the part where I feel old is where I weigh in with advice based more on morals than libido and eagerness to show off.

Batman wrote: 2024-09-07 08:45pm The 'teenage' in there means you're not necessarily old, just that doing her would be illegal.

Sucker-punching the other kid out would also be illegal in any event, but the part where I feel old is where I weigh in with advice based more on morals than libido and eagerness to show off. I am officially adulting.

Batman wrote: 2024-09-07 08:45pm The 'teenage' in there means you're not necessarily old, just that doing her would be illegal.

Sucker-punching the other kid out would also be illegal in any event, but the part where I feel old is where I weigh in with advice based more on morals than libido and eagerness to show off. #adulting.

Double.

MAGA CO-WORKER: That... Whatever says there's no TP in the women's room.

ME: You wanna get it, or shall I?

MAGA CO-WORKER: How does that thing have any right to-

ME: Whoa? I though you loved America? You have a red, white, and blue eagle tattoo...

MAGA CO-WORKER: So? [paraphrase] It's confusing for me!

ME: This is America. The land of the free. Can't that customer dress how they want here and poop in a toilet?

MAGA CO-WORKER: Yeah, but... [walks away, head down]

ME: [silently takes what tiny win he can with those shitheels]

ME: Bro. You are faded.

CO-WORKER: I'm always faded.

ME: Son. I am nobody's example. But you are going to get your ass shit-canned if you come around here wasted. Do you have a library card?

CO-WORKER: A What?

ME: [facepalm] Little dude. GO FIND SOMETHING FREE TO DO WHEN YOU'RE OFF WORK. YOU ARE GOING TO GET FIRED. I AM NOT GOING TO RAT YOU OUT, BUT IT'S OBVIOUS THAT YOU'RE WASTED.

CO-WORKER: Geez, you don't have to be an asshole...

TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: So give them blood! Blood! Gallons of the stuff!

ME: Give them all that they can drink and it will never be enough!

TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: So give them blood, blood... [gasping for breath]

ME: Fuck, that was a workout.

TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: We never skip leg day!

BOTH: [sideways high-five]

ME: Wanna get a beer with your old man?

TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: Hi, have you met me?

TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: So give them blood! Blood! Gallons of the stuff!

ME: Give them all that they can drink and it will never be enough!

TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: So give them blood, blood... [gasping for breath, surveying the human wreckage we leave in our wake]

ME: Fuck, that was a workout.

TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: We never skip leg day!

BOTH: [sideways high-five]

ME: Wanna get a beer with your old man?

TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: Hi, have you met me?

TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: [puts the boot in] So give them blood! Blood! Gallons of the stuff!

ME: Give them all that they can drink and it will never be enough!

TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: So give them blood, blood... [gasping for breath, surveying the human wreckage we leave in our wake]

ME: Fuck, that was a workout.

TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: We never skip leg day!

BOTH: [sideways high-five]

ME: Wanna get a beer with your old man?

TECHNICALLY NOT MY DAUGHTER: Hi, have you met me?

* I'm not exactly recommending this, but you wanna get in some high-stakes life-affirming action, you could do worse than walking around a bad neighborhood with a pretty girl at night.

BATTY OLD LADY: You stole my phone!

ME: Ma'am, I do not have your phone.

BATTY OLD LADY: Well, I put it down right here and it's gone. You have my phone!

ME: Ma'am, I do not have your phone.

BATTY OLD LADY: It's locked! You can't use it!

ME: Ma'am. I do not have your phone.

BATTY OLD LADY: I'll call the police!

ME: Ma'am. I. Do. Not. Have. Your. Phone. If you adjust your attitude I'd be happy to call it.

BATTY OLD LADY: I'm not giving you my phone number!

ME: Okay then.

BATTY OLD LADY: So you won't help me!?

ME: I told you my conditions.

BATTY OLD LADY: [comes backs 30 minutes later] Would you call my phone please?

ME: Yes.

[phone rings in her purse]

BATTY OLD LADY: Thank god! I thought one of you people took it!

BLACK CO-WORKER AND I SIMULTANEOUSLY: "You people?"

BATTY OLD LADY: [just leaves]

BLACK CO-WORKER: Man, sometimes I feel like people judge me because I'm black.

ME: That last banging hottie was totally flirting with you. What's really bothering you, man?

BLACK CO-WORKER: I think my girlfriend's cheating on me.

ME: Well, what makes you think that?

BLACK CO-WORKER: [paraphrase] She's been talking to this tall guy with a really well-groomed afro.

ME: Are you sure this is a black problem and not a black enough problem? Cause it kinda sounds like a black enough problem.

BLACK CO-WORKER: Is that a thing?

ME: All things are a thing, in relationships. Everybody is somebody's fetish. You've got this wild lion king shit happening that defies control.

BLACK CO-WORKER: [paraphrase] That actually makes me feel better.

ME: I got you, bud.

MAGA CO-WORKER: [Shark], can you get this for me please?

ME: No worries.

MAGA CO-WORKER: You just grabbed that with your left hand like it was nothing... are you a lefty?

ME: Ignoring the obvious joke here, no, my right hand is dominant.

MAGA CO-WORKER: ...I thought you were going to say it's too heavy.

ME: Have I mentioned that I worked at [large hardware chain] before here, where I had to throw around 80# cement bags? I know I don't look like much, but I'm strong as fuck.

MAGA CO-WORKER: [gives me that look] Noted!

ME: ...oO(Oh, shit)

Double.

MAGA CO-WORKER: I deal with this guy every day! Why can't they just speak English?

ME: Speaking a second language is hard, man. I suck at mine.

MAGA CO-WORKER: Wait, you speak Spanish?

ME: Badly.

MAGA CO-WORKER: [whole discussion about cultural identity ensues]

ME: [do not sleep with this girl. Okay, we found a little common ground but It's a mistake. Don't do it, Matty]

CO-WORKER: You don't like Trump.

ME: I don't.

CO-WORKER: Well, I do.

ME: That's fine. We're both Americans. We can cancel each other out at the ballot. That's Democracy.

CO-WORKER: You know, you're right. I never looked at it like that.

ME: I know.

KAREN: I'm so glad you're here! I wanted to tell you, I found that $50 bill.

ME: The one you thought I short-changed you for.

KAREN: Yes! It was in my bra!

ME: Of course.

KAREN: So you didn't take it!

ME: Facts.

KAREN: Anyway, I'm glad you were here so I could tell you.

ME: ...oO(That was so close to an apology for screaming at me. Not quite, but she rolled a 10 against 9. I guess I can be generous here and rule a partial success)

ROLE-REVERSAL - RAW SHARK TAKES A TAXI:

DRIVER: No Ingles.* [see below for Ingles]

ME: Frio... para mi Espaniol es muy malo. Basura.

DRIVER: [laughs] Me llamo Reynaldo.

ME: Bueno, Reynaldo. Mi nombre en el camino es... El Tiburon.

DRIVER: [gets serious] Ay? El Tiburon?

ME: No, no, hermano. Chingato para a ti!

DRIVER: [relieved, laughs harder]

----------------------------------------------

DRIVER: I don't speak any English. Like not at all, man. I can't even order a burger or find the toilet; it's cruel.

ME: Cool... but my Spanish is very bad. Garbage.

DRIVER: [laughs] My name's Reynaldo.

ME: Positive greetings, Reynaldo. My name on the street is... The Shark.

DRIVER: [gets serious] Really? The Shark?

ME: No, no brother! I'm fucking with you!

DRIVER: [relieved, laughs harder]

ME: So, this is probably a weird question, but have you ever seen Star Trek?

TREKKIE: My Cat's name is Spock.

ME: So I wouldn't be out of line if I said your shirt is a flawless science officer blue?

TREKKIE: Not at all. That's the intent.

ME: Would you get coffee with me?

TREKKIE: Seems logical.

Weren't the medical officers' getups often (if not always) a different hue of blue that that the 'official' science officers? (I found this most pronounced in DS9, where Dr Bashir's uniform was noticeably more greenish than whatever other science personell wandered in front of the camera) and Bones medical tunics where DEFINITELY a different colour than Spocks uniform so there would BE no 'flawless' science office blue.

* Yes, this is how autistic people meet and fall in love. No, being autistic is not an excuse. Never give up! Never surrender!

Batman wrote: 2024-10-12 10:16pm Weren't the medical officers' getups often (if not always) a different hue of blue that that the 'official' science officers? (I found this most pronounced in DS9, where Dr Bashir's uniform was noticeably more greenish than whatever other science personell wandered in front of the camera) and Bones medical tunics where DEFINITELY a different colour than Spocks uniform so there would BE no 'flawless' science office blue.

I was trying to talk up a girl. Try it, sometime.

* Or a guy. Whatever you're into; I give no fucks about that.

Her general appearance said, "I am trying to look like I work in science for the Federation," enough that I picked up on it. And if I pick up on it, it's obvious, because I have the empathy of a rubber boot. So I went for it.

ME: So, why do you like Trek?

TREKKIE: I like the idea of a post-scarcity future where people do jobs just to be awesome.

ME: I know it's too early to propose marriage, but good answer.

ME: [slightly confrontational tone, for comedy value] So, what are you, some kind of cop?

YOUNG STATE TROOPER: Uh, yeah. State Highway Patrol. How did you-

ME: I'm the kind of guy who can tell.

YOUNG STATE TROOPER: [seems a little nervous] You mean-

ME: I mean your coffee is on the house, officer.

YOUNG STATE TROOPER: Uh, thanks! Thanks. [clears out in a hurry, with a glance over his shoulder]