Let's play: Buzz Aldrin's Race Into Space

[fnord]

NIkov downs his vodka, refills it, and raises another silent toast, to the genius of Sergei Pavelovich, and his insulating the program from Von Evilstein's balls-ups.

[doom3607]

OOC, I'm just waiting for him to start up the spaceplane thing. Then, and only then, will I crush him.

[PeZook]

OOC, I'm just waiting for him to start up the spaceplane thing. Then, and only then, will I crush him.

Suit yourself.

[PeZook]

BTW, the "nothing in particular had happened" newscasts are random. I loaded up the game to check on something, and here's what I get:



Murcans, you can panic now.

THEY WANT TO MAKE SPACE BOMBERS OMFG!!!

[FaxModem1]

Fax and Drago looked at the newspaper in astonishment.

"I thought you designed something like this."

"Da, I did."

They glanced at the paper again.

"The Zenobians might win if we don't do something." Fax declared.

"Like what?" Drago asked.

Fax smiled, a plan forming in his eyes.

[Simon_Jester]

BTW, the "nothing in particular had happened" newscasts are random. I loaded up the game to check on something, and here's what I get:



Murcans, you can panic now.

THEY WANT TO MAKE SPACE BOMBERS OMFG!!!

[Syrgy Pavylyvych laughs like Boris Badenov. He FUCKING LAUGHS.]

[Then he massages his jaw, which doesn't open quite as far as it should, making FUCKING LAUGHING rather painful.]

[Syrgy Pavylyvych returns to his numerous binders and careful notes, also to problems of designing heat shield]

[Akhlut]

Ivanovich awoke after a long, long bender. Too many Bloody Ztalins at the celebration of his comrade..uh..what's-his-name after his ascent into outerspace, thus making it Commienist.

And his continued celebrations for the last many months. Many, many months.

No one really questioned it, though, because Comrade Ivan Ivan Ivanovich just kept shouting "Woo! Zenobia is number 1, da! Murca sucks ass! Woo!"

This, of course, prevented him from attending the whole international space meeting thing, but Ivanovich didn't care because ZENOBIA FUCKING RULED, WOO!

However, now that he had finally stopped drinking the Bloody Ztalins, his mood darkened perceptibly.

"Comrades, why are we no longer in space, da?"

[Simon_Jester]

"Because of those horsefuckers at the Derevnya Gadyukino Precision Alloy Tubing Plant! But fear not, comrade, we go up once again soon! Indeed, I have a little proposal for you, my little hungover eagle. I call it... Voskhod!"

"How would you like to be the first man to step outside and take a look around his front porch in space, Comrade Ivanovitch?"

[Akhlut]

"Comrade, do we know if it is safe for me to piss on Murca from space? Or drop leaflets explaining the glory of the Bloody Ztalin?"

[Simon_Jester]

"Comrade, do we know if it is safe for me to piss on Murca from space? Or drop leaflets explaining the glory of the Bloody Ztalin?"

"Leaflets would... probably burn up on reentry. As to pissing on Murca from space, that depends on the outcome of certain experimental EVA suit designs, which are still undergoing testing. I'll get back to you on that."

[PeZook]

"Comrade Chief Designer, I am afraid our calculations indicate all expended urine would remain in orbit, unless our brave cosmonauts can achieve truly stupendous pressure and flow rate. I am sorry."

[Simon_Jester]

"Comrade Chief Designer, I am afraid our calculations indicate all expended urine would remain in orbit, unless our brave cosmonauts can achieve truly stupendous pressure and flow rate. I am sorry."

"I know. The experimental EVA suit design has possibilities in this regard, or so that special engineering assure me when they are not too busy cackling and fiddling with their Tesla coils. I consider it very unlikely to work, but I wish to keep Comrade Ivanovitch's spirits up, you see. We will know for certain after the live-human vacuum tests, which are upcoming."

[Akhlut]

Spoiler

The only thing that Ivanovich is worried about is those Murcan Astronauts enjoying being urinated upon...

[FaxModem1]

Spoiler

Better dig a trench, Zenobia is gonna have some dead chimps soon.

[Eternal_Freedom]

"Mr President, this disaster was completely unexpected. We had phenomenal safety ratings on the capsule, we've been researching and testing it for years now. This flight should have worked!"

Von Braun sighed, consulted his notes briefly, then looked the President quare in the eyes.

"I must inform you Mr President that with the current loss of safety of the Mercury capsule, the Zenobians will most likely place a man in orbit before Murca."

Johnny evaluated the shocked and angry faces, then glanced at the message one of his trained monkeys Murcan aides had given him.

"Not only that sirs, but we have received intelligence reports that the Zenobians are designing a large-scale reuseable spaceplane. This would not only give them an advantage in the space race, but would pose a massive strategic threat to Murca.

Imagin, Mr President, a bomber that can swoop down from space and obliterate Washingtoff, completely unhindered by our air defence system. Bombers that could strike our cities and military installations completely unopposed."

Now the people at the table were scared. Really scared.

"There is only one possible solution sirs. We must build our own spaceplanes, to counter this Zenobian threat!

Everyone seemed rather keen on this idea, which gave Johnny the perfect opportunity to present his last bombshell.

"Of course, this will require greatly increased funding, as well as a much larger astronaut program to crew them all. Yes, we have lost a brave man. But we have hundreds more ready and willing to step into the breech! Such endeavours can be costly, but the rewards are greater than anyone can possibly imagine. I implore you mr President, don't write off the space program after this one tragedy. We can't let OhJesus' death be in vain!"

[Scottish Ninja]

"Comrade Chief Designer, I am afraid our calculations indicate all expended urine would remain in orbit, unless our brave cosmonauts can achieve truly stupendous pressure and flow rate. I am sorry."

"I know. The experimental EVA suit design has possibilities in this regard, or so that special engineering assure me when they are not too busy cackling and fiddling with their Tesla coils. I consider it very unlikely to work, but I wish to keep Comrade Ivanovitch's spirits up, you see. We will know for certain after the live-human vacuum tests, which are upcoming."

Perhaps, if some sort of rocket pack were developed for untethered EVA, the urine could be mixed into the reaction mass, almost like a Mick jet fighter's afterburner? Then it could be directed in a useful direction.

[Simon_Jester]

Plans are underway, comrade. Difficulty lies in complexity of system, and system's proximity to groin. Risk of loss of suit pressure in groinal area is significant with existing design.

Would you like to be our first volunteer to test the system in vacuum, Comrade Ivanov?

[doom3607]

OOC, von Evilstein is of course a fan of the system, even with the risks. Killing untermenschen is always worth doing.

Also, yay for random insanity!

[Simon_Jester]

I am so glad you approve, Comrade von Evilstein.

[doom3607]

Nein! That was OOC, you fool!

Also, still OOC, von Evilstein wonders if perhaps the suit could be selectively weakened in the groin area. Even if it fails to kill the Zenobian scum, it will at least prevent them from making more Zenobian scum.

[Scottish Ninja]

Ivan would be proud to test this new innovation and advance Zenobia's lead in this globe-spanning dick-waving contest!

[Simon_Jester]

Your wish is my command, Comrade von Evilstein!

Very well, Comrade Ivanov. You will be placed on list of proposed test subjects, but you will have to get in line after other proposed test subjects are tested first.

[Mayabird]

If ever that random female cosmonauts event comes up, sign me up.

Because I have my doubts any other females will be happening by. Nothing personal, but we all know it's true.

[PeZook]

If ever that random female cosmonauts event comes up, sign me up.

Because I have my doubts any other females will be happening by. Nothing personal, but we all know it's true.

That is the most insightful thing I've read in this thread

[PeZook]

Washingtoff, Murca
The White Dwelling

Everybody listened to the Director's report with great intensity and interest. Especially the final bombshell.

"Bombers?", the secretary of defence, Robert Satan Mekratrig McNamara gasped, "Orbital bombers? Hogwash! Complete hogwash, the Zenobians cannot build a craft so advanced. Mr. President, this has to be complete commienist disinformation."

Secretry of the Treasury rolled his eyes, "You're just saying this to make the military think twice about funding the Valkylie Minogue program, Satan!"

"I control the military, you idiot! I decide what gets funded and what doesn't!"

Teddy slammed his hand on the table, "Will you two please shut the fuck up? There is a goddamn Missile Crisis going on and you're quarelling about your pet peeves again. The purpose of this meeting was to determine if we still can beat the Zenobians. Director von Braun seems to think it is still possible. Is that correct, Director?"

Von Braun nodded, although in a very studious fashion. He left out the unless another disaster hits us bit that nobody in Teddy's cabinet really needed to hear. They were smart men, they'd figure it out.

Maybe.

"Very well. I will continue supporting the space program before Congress. I cannot guarantee increased funding before the congressmen actually see results, though. We will discuss the space bomber issue with my cabinet and come up with a recommendation for your staff. For now, you and your aides are dismissed."

When the MASA officials left the conference room, Wehrner von Shapp grabbed the intelligence report excitedly and started ranting in Thanasian about that traitor, Satan McNamara and his disregard for such inredible fast and hard and rigid spaceflight technologies.

von Braun was more concerned with the immediate future, though. How the hell was he supposed to beat the Zenobians without more money?