Spider Simango

[Shroom Man 777]

Spider Simango


Anansi is the Spider god, the trickster god. In the land of Africa, there is no one smarter or wilier than him – he tricks everyone and in the end, he is always the one who gets the last laugh.

Simango was just a little boy when Anansi chose him. Little boy Simango was near a well which had dried up. He was bored and wanted to have fun, because he was like all boys and loved fun. So, he called another little boy from the village. Help me get water from the well, he said. The little boy looked into the well and saw that there was no water, and he said so, but then Simango pushed him into the well and when the little boy landed and broke his leg, Simango laughed very loudly. Simango laughed and laughed and laugh for a good minute. Because of this good trick, Anansi decided that Simango would be a perfect person to carry out his will. So, a small spider jumped off a nearby tree and landed into little boy Simango’s mouth and thus, Spiderboy Simango was born.

Simango noticed that there was a change, for now he was not only Simango, but also Anansi. So, because Anansi never runs out of tricks, Spiderboy Simango ran into the village and got rope. He pulled up the little boy in the well and pulled him up hard, but when the little boy was almost out of the well, Simango pushed him down again and the boy fell even harder and broke his other leg. This was very ironic, and Simango and Anansi both laughed very much. The next day later, Spiderboy Simango told the other villagers that a boy had fallen down the well and the villagers helped the boy up and congratulated Simango for finding the poor injured boy. The little boy who fell down the well could not remember that Simango was the one who pushed him, so he thanked Simango for finding him in the well before he died. Simango laughed at all of this and planned more tricks.

For a long time, Spiderboy Simango did lots of tricks and most of the time, no one found out it was him. When they did, oh boy was Simango’s bottom beaten with a reed cane until it grew red. But Spiderboy Simango would always have the last laugh, because later when his elders ate their rice, they would find themselves chewing on a very yucky spider. Or, in the next morning, when they wear their shoes they would have their toes bit by a tarantula. Simango never ceased to amaze himself.

Spiderboy Simango, the smartest boy in school and the trickiest player of football in the village.

But all of this came crashing down, like how hard rain ruins a good web, when the militia revolutionaries came to his village. They killed Simango’s parents and made him a boy soldier. Simango loved his parents, despite how often they beat him for his insolence, and so he was very sad. The revolutionaries were led by General Tiger, and the men who General Tiger put in charge of the village were mean, just like him. Everyone in the village was afraid, scared, and so Simango could no longer laugh at his tricks. It was a very bad time and Simango hated it.

The new village chief put Simango, because he was not as big as the other boys, in charge of cleaning the holes they used to peepee while the other children were turned into infantry. So, Simango planned his new tricks. He cleaned the holes well, so the chief put him in charge of cleaning the guns. Simango cleaned the guns very well, and on the next week, the chief had his head shot off by his own rifle – backfire, they said, full automatic backfire. Afterwards, Spiderboy Simango ran away and no one from his village was able to find him ever since.

Simango would go all over Africa trying to kill the elusive General Tiger, who was a very big revolutionary leader. It turns out that General Tiger was just like Spiderboy Simango, but instead of being blessed by Anansi the trickster spider, the General was blessed by Tiger, who wanted to make everyone scared and afraid. But Simango knew, by the wisdom of Anansi, that he could not kill General Tiger right then and there – he was too young and weak, he had to become strong first. So, Simango would go over the battlegrounds of Africa and be a soldier for hire, using his tricks just to survive. Later, when he was older, he would use his tricks to kill in ways that would make him laugh. Over the years, the young Simango became known simply as the Spiderboy, and when he grew up, they would call the mysterious soldier Killer Spiderman, and then when he finally became a man, they would just call him Spider.

There was a day when a warlord and his men in their trucks got lost because of a sandstorm. Spider was walking nearby and the warlord asked Spider which way was the capital of Swaziland, and so Spider pointed them to the road that led to the capital of Swaziland. The warlord thanked him and gave him a bucket of bullets and then made way for the capital of Swaziland, which Spider pointed out to him. But the warlord forgot that the way Spider pointed out was also where they had, just the day before, set up a minefield. The warlord and all his men were blown to bits, and Spider laughed and walked to his hut with his new bucket of bullets. That day, when he did such a trick, was the day when Spider knew he was strong enough to kill General Tiger.

Spider Simango disguised himself and went over to General Tiger’s camp. There, he would become a slave and was abused and bullied by Tiger’s crazy men. The boys would try to shoot him, while the bigger men would try to kill him with machetes. Spider ducked and so the men threw their machetes into the boys while the boys shot at the bigger men. Spider alarmed the men when he tricked them, they thought they had heard the rotor of the government helicopters, and so they began shooting into the sky - the scouts soldiers of the government would hear the gunfire and then tell their helicopter to go to where they had heard the noise and blow up General Tiger’s camp. But while the men were still shooting at the sky, Spider made his way into General Tiger’s hut. Tiger was chewing much meat, because he was like a tiger and was very vicious and loved meat, especially the tender meat of men, women and children who he had beat himself – baby back ribs, the General always said. And so, while General Tiger had a very big mouthful of meat Simango told a very funny joke and the chief laughed while trying to swallow his meat. He chocked and died, and that was the end of it. Spider ran out of the base, laughing like mad because the man he had so hated had died so funnily with that look on his face, and as he entered the bush he turned back and saw the helicopters blow up General Tiger’s camp, and so he laughed some more.



That is the story of the life of Spider Simango. He still goes around, tricking people into doing bad things. However, because General Tiger was dead, Spider can now take it easy and relax. When he is not fooling people into their ironic deaths, he likes to play football and sings to women, because he is also a very good singer. He has many friends, and he likes people, especially the white men who are so stupid that even if Spider Simango didn’t trick them with what he said, they would still end up doing something funny and hurting themselves. Spider Simango is friends with the Hyena Boys, who have the Hyena in them, they go around in their truck while laughing like mad all the time. They think Simango is their friend, but Spider thinks they are insane and does not really like them – their laugh is insane and they like to eat bones of all kinds. Spider’s tricks make them laugh though, and when Spider tricks them, they don’t get angry but instead laugh so hard that they pee themselves, so that is alright Spider guesses. The warlord Leon Molefi, who has the lion in him, despises Spider because Spider always sings to his women, who are vicious but beautiful warriors but melt like butter whenever Spider sings. The warlord Hippo Tambutu, now he is insane and everyone knows that especially Spider, who Tambutu chased around the desert with his butchers knife for almost one week.

Do not trust Spider Simango to give directions, because if he gives you a direction, it will very much likely make you dead. Always ask others if that is the right way, ask them specifically because Spider’s tricks are very clever, like a tricky word game.

When you want to kill Spider Simango and you have him cornered, just shoot him and be done with it. Keep twenty paces away and do not talk too much, because if you are too near and talk too much, Spider will just look at you and when you squeeze the gun, either the gun will not fire and Spider will run away, or the gun will explode and the irony and the bullets will kill you. Spider will laugh at you anyway because you can’t kill him anyhow. If you are lucky, he won’t kill you and will just tell you a joke. If you play football with him, if you are bad he will just beat you at the game and laugh at you, but if you are good then he will trick you in the game and you will end up breaking both your legs. If you are a girl, he will most likely just sing to you and sweep you off your feet – but that is that, because Spider is a gentleman and does not take advantage.

[darthdavid]

That was pretty neat.

[Shroom Man 777]

Thank you. The rest of the Philistines seem to differ in their lack of comments, however