Why are divorce rates higher among religious families?

[Coiler]

I've often read that divorce rates are higher among religious conservatives then they are among nonreligious people. Why's that the case?

[Mr Bean]

I've often read that divorce rates are higher among religious conservatives then they are among nonreligious people. Why's that the case?

High religiousness correlates with lower economic status, lower education level and a few other factors which happen to correlate with higher divorce rates.

Low economic status correlates with higher incidents of spousal abuse for example.

[Darth Wong]

I've often read that divorce rates are higher among religious conservatives then they are among nonreligious people. Why's that the case?

That's based on a Barna Research study where they set out to prove the opposite was true, and were shocked to discover that atheists have one of the lowest divorce rates while religious conservatives have the highest.

They did not attempt to project a mechanism, but a number of possible candidates come to mind:

1) Religious conservatives tend to be rural, ignorant, uneducated, stupid, and poor.

2) Religious conservatives tend to be more sexist, so they probably expect the woman to "know her place" on some level, even if it's at a subconscious level rather than a stated belief. Women may even buy into that, but eventually I suspect they get pissed off at being told that "the man is the head of the household".

3) Religious conservatives believe that God is the guarantor of their marital happiness, rather than their own efforts. As a result, they are probably less likely to go to secular professionals such as marriage counselors when they start having problems. Many of them may be reluctant to even admit they have problems at all; in some circles, marital disenchantment may be viewed as a moral failure, and they are discouraged from seeking help or admitting problems.

4) Religious conservatives have a tendency to read God's Will into their own wishes. So when they start feeling disenchanted with their marriages, they might convince themselves that God is actually telling them to split up. I've seen people like this: whatever their whim is, they happen to conveniently know that this is what God wants for them.

5) Religious conservatives will not tolerate being married to someone of a different faith. So what happens if one partner has a change of heart as he or she gets older? Divorce, and probably an ugly one at that. Religious liberals might be perfectly willing to accept that a spouse has turned to Buddhism and learn to embrace that, but a religious conservative? No way. That's "get out of my house and I will fight you tooth and nail for custody of the kids" time. I knew a religious conservative couple that split up just because one of them wanted to switch to a different denomination.

6) Religious conservatives tend to be less sympathetic people in general. They are less sympathetic to the public seeking health care, less sympathetic to the plight of the poor, less sympathetic to impoverished illegal immigrants, less sympathetic to teenaged girls who don't want to become mothers before they're ready, less sympathetic to everything outside of their own narrow provincial interests. A person who is lacking in the quality of human sympathy is probably not the best person to be married to, as a general rule.

Take your pick. There could be more reasons that I haven't thought of.

[General Zod]

If I had to guess, I'd wager a number of them have a rather fixed idea of what marriage is supposed to be like given how much emphasis the Bible places on proper behavior, so the moment it doesn't turn out according to their ideal vision things tend to go south.

[Teebs]

Pure speculation, but anecdotally, a lot of the more religious people at university here get married very shortly afterwards (if I were being cynical I would say this is a reaction to the lack of pre-martial sex). I wouldn't be surprised if there's some sort of correlation between marrying young and divorce, particularly if your main reason for marrying quickly is so that you can get in each other's pants.

[Darth Wong]

That's a good point. They often say that sex is a bad reason to start a relationship, but their morality system creates a situation where sex is a reason to get married.

[Superman]

One school of thought holds that religious folks believe the way they do because of an inherent and childlike inability to regulate their own emotions and anxiety. In the same way an addict uses drugs, religion to the believer becomes a kind of external attempt to replace what comes with a more emotionally mature mind. If that is indeed the case, then it's also pretty easy to see that religion doesn't generally promote any kind of healthy emotional growth. It does just the opposite; it encourages people to remain in a more childlike state, complete with rules, punishments, an omniscient parent, a worldview where everything is either "right" or "wrong," etc.

So what comes along with being a child? Narcissism, fantasy, selfishness, inflexibility, inability to self regulate (I remember once eating a whole box of Oreos when I was 8, for example), irrational fears, etc. Is it really any wonder why religious types the highest rates divorce? These aren't exactly compromising people, and relationships normally require quite a bit of giving and taking.

[Coiler]

5) Religious conservatives will not tolerate being married to someone of a different faith. So what happens if one partner has a change of heart as he or she gets older? Divorce, and probably an ugly one at that. Religious liberals might be perfectly willing to accept that a spouse has turned to Buddhism and learn to embrace that, but a religious conservative? No way. That's "get out of my house and I will fight you tooth and nail for custody of the kids" time. I knew a religious conservative couple that split up just because one of them wanted to switch to a different denomination.

Being the son of two moderate/liberal Christians who had a very smooth divorce, I can say how lucky I am that that wasn't the case. My father's new wife is one of those New-Age self-help guru types, and not only does he get along with her fine, but my mother also gets along with her fine.

In fact, it's interesting to look at what I consider one of my stepmother's biggest personality flaws, which is that she's too open. She's a fence-sitter on just about every issue, she believes conspiracy theories like "We never went to the moon" or "9/11 was done by the government" should be considered, and she seems to have a hard time believing that anything can be proven unambiguously wrong, and that it's not all just a matter of opinion.

For her personality in general, being too open can get on one's nerves (especially if you know the facts and know that something is unambiguously wrong), but for the sake of a relationship, being very open is a good thing, and that's why she's able to have good relationships with me, her husband, my mother, and just about everyone else she knows.

I really think the "open-minded" part makes the most difference.

[The Spartan]

"Holier-than-thou-art" in some cases. I remember in one of my history courses reading about some of the Puritans leaving to live away from the rest because they believed that they should expunge all sin from their lives and since everyone around them is either going to sin or tempt them to sin then they should live away from all that. They ended up coming back to the settlements because they eventually realized that they couldn't survive on their own. Well, imagine a fundy marriage where your spouse "should be" as holy as you. Suddenly, you realize they may not be and, well, you get the above. They never put enough thought into it to become hermits or anything like that, they just go back to church looking for someone who's holy as them without thinking about their own short comings and with an added burden of guilt because they got divorced.

Pure speculation, but anecdotally, a lot of the more religious people at university here get married very shortly afterwards (if I were being cynical I would say this is a reaction to the lack of pre-martial sex). I wouldn't be surprised if there's some sort of correlation between marrying young and divorce, particularly if your main reason for marrying quickly is so that you can get in each other's pants.

I'm reminded of the TV show featuring that family with 14 children that's super religious. Normally, I'd avoid that sort of thing like the plague, but my girlfriend roped me into watching one. One of the sons asked went to the father of a girl he met to ask her him for her hand in marriage because he wanted to have a proper relationship. He thought it would be wrong of him to kiss her if they weren't married.

Think about the mindset of someone like that. Especially once they actually do get into a relationship. It's like Supes says, they have an incredibly childlike idea of what relationships are. Heh, kind of off topic, but I remember babysitting a pair of boys once, one of whom said that he wanted to get married someday but that he wouldn't kiss his wife, because that's gross.

[Mayabird]

Another reason: social conformity. They get married because they're supposed to get married, not because they really want to or think it's a good idea. I doubt it's a conscious decision most of the time (though shades of that Mormon haunt me here...also my grandma demanding to know why I was three years late in bearing some great-grandchildren for her when I was age 21), just this unconscious thing underlying their thinking that says, "You have to do this."

Not that I think this is a major reason, but along with the others it contributes to the mess. There might be a subtle effect of more people ending up in marriages that should not have been because of this, but I have no idea how that would be measured.

[Broomstick]

I think an additional factor that none of you have mentioned is that non-religious people are far more likely to live together UNmarried, and a certain number of them split up before marriage occurs. Thus, some of what would otherwise be short-term marriages never become marriages in the first place.

[Darth Servo]

3) Religious conservatives believe that God is the guarantor of their marital happiness, rather than their own efforts. As a result, they are probably less likely to go to secular professionals such as marriage counselors when they start having problems. Many of them may be reluctant to even admit they have problems at all; in some circles, marital disenchantment may be viewed as a moral failure, and they are discouraged from seeking help or admitting problems.

4) Religious conservatives have a tendency to read God's Will into their own wishes. So when they start feeling disenchanted with their marriages, they might convince themselves that God is actually telling them to split up. I've seen people like this: whatever their whim is, they happen to conveniently know that this is what God wants for them.

More on those points. People who think they are being directed by a perfect higher power are the least likely to ever admit error, discuss issues rationally or compromise, all of which are essential to relationships of any kind.

[Alerik the Fortunate]

There's also the issue that religion forces people to deny, even to themselves, who they really are and what they really want, on a whole host of issues from sexual identity to career or personal political philosophy. With that kind of pent up frustration and being forced into very restricted roles in a relationship, probably winds up with each member projecting the causes of their frustration onto the spouse, with spiraling resentment and no way to talk it out because you're not allowed to admit even to yourself that something is wrong. I think this happened to my parents.

Additionally, there's the whole issue of putting God and the church before your family. While believers are supposed to support their families, if they deviate too much from acceptable church standards, chuck them onto the street to prevent contaminating the souls of the pure. In Jesus Doesn't Live Here Anymore the author, a former Pentecostal pastor, speaks of how much pressure the church put on the marriage, with the demands of his ministerial duties and the supporting role forced on his wife. He eventually had an affair with one of his assistants, and things spiraled from there, eventually leading to his divorce and destitution, and then the awakening that resulted in his deconversion.

[TheManWithNoName]

My 19 year old friend is getting married to a hyper-religious wacko... I can practically smell the divorce coming. It's quite a long and entertaining story - I've witnessed a transformation right before my eyes, as well as his life going to hell in the process. I'll try and keep it short.

He started out as a typical rebellious teenager - sex, drugs, and rock n' roll, all against the will of his religious parents. He had a girlfriend for like a year when he was 16, but dumped her when she cheated on him. They would have sex constantly. He frequently had unprotected sex with her. When confronted with the idea of possibly having a baby, he just replied, "That's okay dude, I'll just marry her." As if it's that simple. He would frequently rattle on for hours about how she was "the one", giving me lectures about how to find "the one" just like him. You can imagine the shit he got from all of our friends after the break-up happened.

When he was about 18, he met his future wife. I can only describe her as one the stupidest, most unreasonable, and generally unpleasant human beings I have ever met. He proposed to her after a couple of months. Needless to say, we got the "she's the one" talks again. Her family is incredibly religious. My friend never exhibited any religious tendencies until he met her. He completely changed. He seems to have taken up her extreme religious qualities. I witnessed his transformation before my eyes - a transformation into the typical right-wing dumbass. All of a sudden, I had to endure talks about how gay people were wrong (I'm pretty damn sure he's gay or at least bi, but that's another story), Obama is actually a Muslim (because his preacher told him so), and other Christians who don't believe exactly what he believes are "fakers". (Amusingly enough, that last one seems to be a bizarre idea unique to his church.) He now justifies things with, "Well, God thinks this. And I'm pretty sure God's smarter than you, so I'm gonna side with him." His fiance controls his life, completely - which scares the shit out of me. When you've got somebody that stupid in charge, bad things are bound to happen. She controls who he sees, where he works, what food he eats, what he thinks of other people, as well as his money.

The divorce is coming, I'm almost certain of it. First of all, there's the sex aspect. Because of "God's will", her parents don't let them be around each other very much, because it's sinful. Her parents never even let the two be alone in her bedroom together before. Given the guy's previous relationship, I'm sure the fact that he was absolutely dying to get in her pants probably played a role in his decision to propose. She talks about how she's gonna be all over him when the finally get married. Even the girl's grandparent's comment on it. "I'll bet you two can't wait till your wedding night (laughing). You two are gonna be all over each other! I can't wait to get me some new babies to play with!" (The girl and her grandparents then start laughing while the guy laughs with them uncomfortably.) Of course the stupidity of this idea cannot be understated. Simply put, you don't what the fuck you're getting. My friend is starting to have second thoughts about it as well. An almost magical scenario from the other day sums it up quite nicely:

Me: "So, did you hear about John and Jackie getting married?"
Him: "Yeah. That pisses me off dude! They've only been together for like a year! I mean seriously, they don't even know each other! They're already getting married, I can't believe it! They've hardly even spent any time around each other, kinda like me and (quits talking)... "

He promptly stops talking. The exact expression of that "shock" emoticon comes over his face. He turns away from me, and walks away, never mentioning John and Jackie again.

Also, financial issues are definitely going to play a big part. The guy works at Walmart, and is horrible with his money. They're moving into an apartment soon. He wouldn't let her get a job, because of the following reason: (I'm not making this shit up!)

"Dude, I can't let her get that job. She'd be making more money than me, and I don't think my pride could take it!"

Oddly enough, that was one of the few requests his fiance actually listened to. There's no way they are going to be able to support themselves.

I guess what I'm trying to get at here is that the stupidity caused by their religion is a driving force in the failure of their marriage. It literally controls every aspect of their lives, no matter how irrational it is. "God just wants you two to be together, I can feel it," is a common saying when I'm around them. Their parents don't let them spend any time with each other due to some misplaced sense of religious righteousness. They have to wait until after they're fucking married to get to know each other? Give me a fucking break.

On a small side note, religion has totally fucked his sister's life up as well. She's like 15, and is already dead-set on marrying some douchebag because he "took her innocence". The sad thing is, the guy has cheated on her 4 times... Each time it happens, he spits in her face, they break up, and she goes crawling back to him, usually under the cover of "trying to help him". The guy has flat out told her that he will cheat on her, and she doesn't care. No matter what he does, she's determined to marry him because she lost her virginity to him... All because her religion says she has to...

[Patrick Degan]

Also, financial issues are definitely going to play a big part. The guy works at Walmart, and is horrible with his money. They're moving into an apartment soon. He wouldn't let her get a job, because of the following reason: (I'm not making this shit up!)

"Dude, I can't let her get that job. She'd be making more money than me, and I don't think my pride could take it!"

Oddly enough, that was one of the few requests his fiance actually listened to. There's no way they are going to be able to support themselves.

Oh, let me guess: the girl has swallowed that whole "the man is the head of the woman" crap in Bible School, hasn't she?

This is definitely going to be ending in tears.

[Darth Wong]

My 19 year old friend is getting married to a hyper-religious wacko... I can practically smell the divorce coming. It's quite a long and entertaining story - I've witnessed a transformation right before my eyes, as well as his life going to hell in the process. I'll try and keep it short.

He started out as a typical rebellious teenager - sex, drugs, and rock n' roll, all against the will of his religious parents. He had a girlfriend for like a year when he was 16, but dumped her when she cheated on him. They would have sex constantly. He frequently had unprotected sex with her. When confronted with the idea of possibly having a baby, he just replied, "That's okay dude, I'll just marry her." As if it's that simple. He would frequently rattle on for hours about how she was "the one", giving me lectures about how to find "the one" just like him. You can imagine the shit he got from all of our friends after the break-up happened.

When he was about 18, he met his future wife. I can only describe her as one the stupidest, most unreasonable, and generally unpleasant human beings I have ever met. He proposed to her after a couple of months. Needless to say, we got the "she's the one" talks again. Her family is incredibly religious. My friend never exhibited any religious tendencies until he met her. He completely changed. He seems to have taken up her extreme religious qualities. I witnessed his transformation before my eyes - a transformation into the typical right-wing dumbass. All of a sudden, I had to endure talks about how gay people were wrong (I'm pretty damn sure he's gay or at least bi, but that's another story), Obama is actually a Muslim (because his preacher told him so), and other Christians who don't believe exactly what he believes are "fakers". (Amusingly enough, that last one seems to be a bizarre idea unique to his church.) He now justifies things with, "Well, God thinks this. And I'm pretty sure God's smarter than you, so I'm gonna side with him." His fiance controls his life, completely - which scares the shit out of me. When you've got somebody that stupid in charge, bad things are bound to happen. She controls who he sees, where he works, what food he eats, what he thinks of other people, as well as his money.

I'm sorry to say that all of this is very consistent with a common pattern. Most "born again" types have a biography almost exactly like this: raised with religion but not observant of it, incredibly stupid and rebellious in youth, followed by radical shift to hardline fundamentalism in their 20s, 30s, or 40s (the time delay seems to depend on how much money they have; poverty and failure make their "revelation" come sooner).

In the end analysis, these people tend to be people who were just plain stupid. Lousy judgment, poor impulse control, lack of self-discipline, disregard for the effect of their actions on others, etc. These traits affect their early lives (his behaviour with his first girlfriend is a classic example of this) and merely take a slightly different form when they are born-again. Their particular brand of religion is always marked by the same addictive behaviour, poor judgment, and disregard for the effect it has on others.

[JLTucker]

...and other Christians who don't believe exactly what he believes are "fakers". (Amusingly enough, that last one seems to be a bizarre idea unique to his church.

It's not unique to his church. This is a common belief. My cunt of a stepbrother thinks that his church is the church of true Christians and that Catholics, Mormons, and even those attending Church of Christ churches aren't true Christians. Oh, and he was religious during his first marriage (still is) and got into a shoving match with my stepfather over divorce. Apparently divorce is forbidden, no matter what happens even though, if I remember correctly, the Bible says you can divorce in the case of infidelity. He got divorced.

Edit: Yes, the scripture is Matthew 19:9. The New King James version says "And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality,[a] and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.”