Memo to Imperial Command

[CorSec]

Every once and again I wonder what the lives of the unimportant people look like in the movie world. What, for example, would a news story look like the day after the Attack at Nakatomi Towers? A person at another forum took some time after wondering something similar about the GFFA.

I've been playing The Force Unleashed recently; I've also played Jedi Knight and Jedi Academy, which preceded it. The games have gotten me to wondering what the designers of Imperial starships and bases must have been smoking.

So, I got to wondering what a station commander's weekly report might look like. Here's what I came up with.


To: Moff Sankito, Imperial Command
From: Commander Bynto Carmosa, Imperial Station #33405
Subject: Weekly Personnel Report

Dear Sir,

Per General Order THX-1138/A, I am submitting this week's personnel report. Before I begin, I would like to take the opportunity to apologize up front for my attitude, as you have, in the past, described me as "not being a team player." Nonetheless, I feel compelled to make various comments and suggestions along with my official report. I sincerely hope that they will be viewed as serious suggestions worthy of merit, rather than being summarily dropped into the disintegrator slot -- which, according to my sources, is the normal procedure regarding all of my suggestions.


First, I am happy to report that we lost only 112 Stormtroopers this week and 33 officers. This is a distinct improvement over the previous week, when we lost 2,892 Stormtroopers and 87 officers in what is already being referred to here on the station as the "Regrettable Jedi Incident." I shall return to the subject of the RJI later.

We lost a total of 89 Communications Officers this week as well, which is entirely typical. I shall now attempt to explain the conditions under which we lost the aforementioned personnel, along with my comments on why losses on this scale are undesirable, and suggestions regarding how we might reduce such losses in the future.


Of the 112 Stormtroopers and 33 officers we lost this week, 32 Stormtroopers and 2 officers were lost when they fell off narrow catwalks placed over seemingly-bottomless pits. I understand that resources are limited, but I fail to understand why it is deemed necessary to build Imperial installations with so much unused space. Surely, if it is truly necessary to have shafts that are hundreds of meters deep extending throughout the entire station, it is wise to cover them over. The additional floor space this would create could easily be used for training facilities (more on this later), crew quarters, and other amenities that would both improve efficiency and increase crew morale. If, for some reason, placing floors over these deathtraps pits is considered impractical, surely there is a better solution available than making it necessary to cross them via narrow catwalks that don't even have guard rails.


We lost 16 Stormtroopers and 3 officers to the laser grid outside of the main cafeteria. Despite its undoubted effect in deterring infiltration by Rebel saboteurs, I must say that I fail to understand why it is necessary to install a laser grid in the hallway outside the cafeteria. This laser grid, as you know, activates at random intervals and vaporizes anyone unfortunate enough to be in the hallway at that moment. I cannot stress strongly enough that this is bad for crew morale. If the laser grid is deemed essential, may I suggest that station personnel be issued with DNA-coded ID cards which will override the system. If the ID cards are coded to the user's DNA, they will be all but impossible to counterfeit, and station morale would be improved immensely by the knowledge that you're unlikely to be vaporized while on your way to dinner.


We lost 14 Stormtroopers and 2 officers to the fire pits this week. As you may have inferred by now, I am unable to understand the need for trap doors that open at random intervals and dump unsuspecting personnel into fire pits. Again, this is bad for crew morale.

On a related note, we lost 12 Stormtroopers and 1 officer to the lava pits this week. Again, I am unable to understand the need for trap doors that open at random intervals and dump unsuspecting personnel into pits of lava. I might also add that the generators which keep the lava in a liquid state consume a tremendous amount of energy -- energy that might instead be used for, oh, I don't know, scanning for the approach of enemy starships, perhaps.


Finally, we lost 38 Stormtroopers and an astonishing 25 officers to the tentacle monster in the waste processing system. Again, I must confess that I fail to understand the logic behind the design of waste processing systems on Imperial starships and stations. It seems to me that it would be simpler to have all waste piped directly into the fusion reactor, where it would be immediate vaporized. Useful molecules (such as oxygen, for example) could then be easily reclaimed, while useless molecules could simply be released into the vacuum of space.

Why is it that standard Imperial design for waste processing stations requires all wastes to be deposited into a fetid pool of water? And why does each Imperial starship and station have a tentacle monster installed in said fetid pool of water?

I cannot stress enough how damaging it is to crew morale to know that a simple trip to the bathroom is likely to end with the crewmember being snatched by a tentacle monster and messily devoured. In what may be a related development, I have noted that many crewmembers seem to have developed a severe body odor problem, and I've noted suspicious yellow stains on the cuises and greaves of several Stormtroopers.



Regarding the RJI (Regrettable Jedi Incident) mentioned previously, I would like to recommend several changes to standard Imperial procedures.

First, I would like to recommend that standard procedure when an unknown ship approaches an Imperial installation be changed from "Said ship shall under no circumstances be scanned or prevented from landing" to "Said ship shall be immediately scanned and challenged; if scans reveal that it bears Rebel insignia and/or it refuses to answer challenges, every gun that can be brought to bear will immediately be trained upon it, and it shall be vaporized." I think this simple change in standard Imperial procedure alone will save tens of thousands of Imperial lives per year.

If, for some reason, the ship should evade destruction and land, I recommend that standard procedure be changed from "the station will not be put on alert, nor shall the ship be investigated" to "the station will immediately go onto high alert and an entire legion of heavily-armed Stormtroopers will be immediately dispatched to surround the ship; at all times, at least one entire Stormtrooper legion will be on alert, in anticipation of just such a likelihood."


I strongly recommend that all Stormtroopers be required to demonstrate basic marksmenship skills. After a 2-month training period, any Stormtrooper who still cannot manage to hit a stationary, human-sized target from a range of 2 meters should be dropped into one of the lava pits or fed to the tentacle monster.

Similarly, I strongly recommend that all station gunners be required to demonstrate basic gunnery skills. After he has completed basic training, any gunner who cannot manage to hit a stationary, starfighter-sized target at a range of 50 meters shall be dropped into one of the aforementioned lava pits or fed to the aforementioned tentacle monster.

If we simply must have those things on the station, we might as well see that they serve some useful purpose.


On a similar note, I would like to strongly recommend that all Stormtroopers -- and all officers -- be required to take and pass training courses in the following areas: small arms tactics, basic strategy, patrol and anti-infiltration techniques.

There is simply no reason why troopers armed with long-range blaster rifles should feel that it is proper to close to melee range with their opponents before opening fire. Similarly, it reflects poor training that so many Stormtroopers insist on attempting to throw thermal detonators at opponents who are standing 100 meters or more distant. Conversely, there is no excuse for the common Stormtrooper practice of throwing thermal detonators at opponents who are standing only 2 meters away.

Along those lines, with your permission, I would like to immediately issue a station directive to the effect that any station personnel who throw or shoot thermal detonators, concussion grenades, tactical nuclear devices or other high-explosive devices at enemies who are standing less than 10 meters away shall be fed to the tentacle monster immediately -- or, more precisely, their charred corpses shall be.



Finally, I would like to comment on standard Imperial design of communications systems. As I mentioned earlier, we lost 89 Communications Officers this week, which is entirely typical. As you know, every Imperial station and starship operates on a separate communications frequency -- for security reasons, I suppose. While this is indeed an effective way to prevent enemies of the Empire from eavesdropping on Imperial communications, it does mean that it is necessary to reset our communications frequency several times per day.

I understand the importance of ensuring that all Imperial personnel remain in excellent physical condition, but I must stress that the standard means of changing communication frequency is time-consuming, inefficient, and -- inevitably -- damaging to crew morale.

As you are aware, standard Imperial design regarding communications systems is to place the Frequency-Reassignment Subsystem Computer (FRSC for short) 14 levels above the Communications Center. Therefore, in order to change the communications frequency, a Communications Officer must climb up 14 levels to reach the level where the FRSC is housed. Given that it is often necessary to change communications frequencies in a hurry, it seems that it would at least be prudent to install an elevator.

Of course, once the Communications Officer reaches the level that houses the FRSC, his task has only just begun. He must then leap across a 5-meter gap to the first of three control centers. Should he fail to clear the 5-meter gap, he will -- naturally -- fall to his death in the inevitable bottomless pit.

In the first control center, the Communications Officer must solve a logic puzzle before being granted access to the button that will allow him to begin the frequency-reassignment procedure. If he successfully solves that logic puzzle, he must then leap another 5-meter gap to a second control center, where he must solve another logic puzzle in order to be granted access to a second button. After solving the second logic puzzle and pushing the second button, the hapless officer must leap to a third control center, solve yet another logic puzzle, and push yet another button. Needless to say, if he fails to solve any of the logic puzzles, he must start the entire procedure over again.

After going through all of this, the Communications Officer must leap back to the main floor, climb down 14 levels to the Communications Center, and push three buttons in sequence in order to -- finally -- be allowed access to the knob that allows him to change the communications frequency.

Why Communications personnel are not allowed to simply turn the knob in the first place in order to change communications frequencies is beyond me. I must stress in the strongest terms that this procedure is extremely time-consuming and inefficient. Furthermore, it is becoming increasingly difficult to recruit Communications personnel. In fact, I have had to resort to drafting personnel into Communications. So far, three different crewmen, upon learning that they were being reassigned to Communications, have deliberately fed themselves to the tentacle monster. In their suicide notes, each claimed that death by tentacle monster was both quicker and more dignified than the fate that would inevitably befall them [please excuse that remark; no pun was intended] should they find themselves working in Communications.


I remain yours,

Commander Bynto Carmosa
Imperial Station #33405


P.S. Perhaps we could look into upgrading the ventilation systems on the station as well? The copious hair shed by the Wookiee slaves tends to get into everything -- and I do mean everything.

P.P.S. Why do we have Wookiee slaves in the first place? Aren't droids far cheaper and more efficient? They're also far less prone to rebel and rip off people's arms.

P.P.P.S. That reminds me. We currently have 73 Stormtroopers and 13 officers in sickbay, having various limbs replaced.

Reprinted from here.

[Stofsk]

It's funny coz it's true.

[Darth Yan]

ROTFLMAO.

[Knife]

Funny. In one of the Jedi Knight games, Kyle Katarn even makes an in game quip about where the door lock release may be, top floor somewhere.

[Darth Yan]

one thing; in force unleashed the ship had a cloaking device, and also; in what game was their a tentacle monster? However it is a great article overall.

[Bakustra]

one thing; in force unleashed the ship had a cloaking device, and also; in what game was their a tentacle monster? However it is a great article overall.

The "tentacle monster" was from Episode Four. Also, I do believe that the article is not focused on technical accuracy/rationalization, somehow.

Funny. In one of the Jedi Knight games, Kyle Katarn even makes an in game quip about where the door lock release may be, top floor somewhere.

"They always lock the door. You think they would have learned by now. (The key card)'s probably going to be on the top floor somewhere. How does that make any sense?"
I guess Kyle learned a few things after years of serving as a videogame protagonist, after all.

[Joviwan]

one thing; in force unleashed the ship had a cloaking device, and also; in what game was their a tentacle monster? However it is a great article overall.

Dark Forces 1 or 2, I think. You have to fight one in an Improbable Imperial Space Sewer

[Darksider]

Shadows of the Empire also had a (surprisingly creepy) encounter with a giant Dianoga on Coruscant.

[Thraxis]

That's really a great article right there. Although, in the Empire's favor there are a couple notes I wanted to mention (though not many ).

First Dianogas ("tentacle monsters") are pests that are ubiquitous, and manage to find their way onto cap ships while they are docked for refueling and resupplying. It's not *intentional* to have them in the waste disposal.

Secondly, in all *canon* sources, storm troopers are presented as practical *paragons* of accuracy. Everything from Obi-wan's comment in Ep. 4 about "These blast marks are too accurate to be Tuskens, these are the precision of storm troopers" to the fact that in Ep. 6 *two* separate stormtroopers are able to hit a small profile target from several dozen meters while firing from the hip during a major military engagement (as R2-D2 and Leia both discovered). Sadly, unlike their canon bretheren, all video game plastic heads never went to basic training.

As for the many lethal deathtraps, plurality of devices of death, energy and space required for said devices of death, and the manifold pits of death. I have one thing to say: LOLZ.