The Complete Military History of France

[Darth Balls]

Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000
years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic
who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies
are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever
lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages
to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other
participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied (FOR GODS SAKE IT WAS THE DUTCH)

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War -
Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the
world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their
first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to
future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far
moren action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the
Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the
fighting."

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was
also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British
footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk
Brat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the
United States. Love blooms between French women and US soldiers, unfortunately
not enough to improve the French bloodline to any significant degree.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and
Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with
the Dien Bien Flu

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army
by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule
of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical
to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish,
Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history,
surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should
not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France
collapses?"
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an
accordion all you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

[Xenophobe3691]

Already posted, somewhere in this forum. Someone please lock it.

[Master of Ossus]

I saw an absolutely HILARIOUS transition on the History Channel the other day about how Versun Getterex (sp) was fighting against Julius Caesar. After a while, he lost and surrendered his army. He was later executed. Then the narrator came on and announced, "Today, Getterex is a French national hero, who symbolizes resistance to foreign invasion." I just started cracking up.

[RogueIce]

This has been posted already.

Not that I particulary care or anything (I don't), I just wanted to actually be able to say it.

[Pu-239]

Done before.

And wasn't William the Conqueror French?

[Sea Skimmer]

This shit's been posted before

[Darth Balls]

shoot, seriously? damn. sorry about that

[irishmick79]

I've seen this posted......on five other boards. At least give credit to the anonymous email, dude.

[RogueIce]

Already posted, somewhere in this forum. Someone please lock it.

*sigh* Late. Again.

[Master of Ossus]

And wasn't William the Conqueror French?

Surprisingly, yes. He was a French leader who successfully invaded England after most of Northern France surrendered to him.

[irishmick79]

Can't forget to mention Alfred Menie, here.

Frenchmen who designed the Menie ball. It was an improved musket round designed for use with the Rifled Musket. The Americans in the Civil War found out first hand how devestating it truly was....

[Pu-239]

Can't forget to mention Alfred Menie, here.

Frenchmen who designed the Menie ball. It was an improved musket round designed for use with the Rifled Musket. The Americans in the Civil War found out first hand how devestating it truly was....

I thought it was spelled Minie

[Pablo Sanchez]

Surprisingly, yes. He was a French leader who successfully invaded England after most of Northern France surrendered to him.

I thought he was a Norman (Viking descendent), or at least he had the sense to claim to be.

The last effective Frenchmen was Charlemagne.

[Joe]

Surprisingly, yes. He was a French leader who successfully invaded England after most of Northern France surrendered to him.

I thought he was a Norman (Viking descendent), or at least he had the sense to claim to be.

The last effective Frenchmen was Charlemagne.

French in language and culture. I don't know how much the Norman rulers interbred with the native French.

[irishmick79]

Yeah PU, you're probably right. I think I butchered the spelling on the dude's name. But does it make my point wrong? Huh? TELL ME!!!!

[Sea Skimmer]

Can't forget to mention Alfred Menie, here.

Frenchmen who designed the Menie ball. It was an improved musket round designed for use with the Rifled Musket. The Americans in the Civil War found out first hand how devestating it truly was....

The French also inverted the modern explosive shell, built the worlds first ironclads and quite a few other things.

[Sokar]

And wasn't William the Conqueror French?

Surprisingly, yes. He was a French leader who successfully invaded England after most of Northern France surrendered to him.

Not exactly, he was Duke of Normandy in an era long before the notion of French nationhood had taken root. The peoples of Northern Gaul/France were Franks, but were divided into Ducheys and Baronies all across the region. It would be about 200 years later before an entity one could call 'France' would emerge, mostly on opposition to the Angevin Empire founded by Henry II of Anjou (Yes the first dozen or so "English" Kings, including Richard the Lionheart, were all ethnically French) which claimed England, Brittany, Anjou and the Aquitain(whic covered 2/3rds of modern southern France and was the richest province in all Europe piror to its sacking during the Albegensian Heresy of the 1300's)

[paladin]

Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000
years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic
who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies
are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever
lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages
to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other
participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied (FOR GODS SAKE IT WAS THE DUTCH)

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War -
Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the
world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their
first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to
future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far
moren action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the
Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the
fighting."

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was
also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British
footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk
Brat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the
United States. Love blooms between French women and US soldiers, unfortunately
not enough to improve the French bloodline to any significant degree.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and
Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with
the Dien Bien Flu

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army
by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule
of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical
to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish,
Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history,
surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should
not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France
collapses?"
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an
accordion all you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

You forgot to add France's attempt to conquer Mexico in the 1860s. The result was the same in most wars France fights. They lose.

[Master of Ossus]

Surprisingly, yes. He was a French leader who successfully invaded England after most of Northern France surrendered to him.

I thought he was a Norman (Viking descendent), or at least he had the sense to claim to be.

The last effective Frenchmen was Charlemagne.

Well, I consider Normans to be French for the purposes of William the Bastard/Conqueror. He grew up in France, spoke French fluently and exclusively (even after he conquered England), and fought with a French Army for French soil.

[Superman]

[/quote] French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was
also French

LOL!

As much as I love primates, I still have to refer to them as the "Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys."

[Superman]

oops. I think you see what I mean.

[Slartibartfast]

So far my experience continues to be that most US americans hate the french and bash them constantly. Maybe it's because they don't lick their feet at every opportunity the US does something incredibly stupid?

[Admiral Valdemar]

Whereas us English hate the French because we fought them a good few hundred years and now the biggest mistake we did was make friends with them.