Making hideous aliens socially acceptable

[Axiomatic]

(with thanks to David J Prokopetz, who came up with it)

Here's the deal.

You're a sapient extraterrestrial.

You're not a pretty extraterrestrial, by human standards: you're eleven feet tall, you smell funny, and you look like the unholy love-child of a gecko and a wolf spider, with a dash of vampire bat for flavour.

Your personal bearing is little better: you're an obligate carnivore, the harmonics of your voice trigger an instinctive fear response in virtually all terrestrial mammals (including homo sapiens), and - unless you take great care to move slowly and deliberately - the way you move tends to remind folks of something out of a Japanese horror movie.

This is a problem for you, because the Big Giant Head back on the homeworld has decreed that you need to establish peaceful relations with the human race - and just to make your life difficult, it's ruled out dealing with Earth's leaders in secret. You can make clandestine first contact with Earth's governments in order to reduce the risk of being shot on sight when you finally reveal yourself to humanity at large, but eventually, you have to go public.

You have access to dozens of personnel (of your own species, of course), and have resources at your disposal equivalent to what a few hundred million American dollars could buy, but you're not allowed to introduce any imported technology - any assets you bring into play must be available on Earth. You can't even surgically modify yourself to be less scary, since it would make things inconvenient for those who come after you.

Plus, for stupid political reasons that make your cranial ventricles hurt just to think about them, your mission deadline is less than a year away.

That's the problem you're faced with: by human standards, you're a total horror-show, and you need to turn yourself into humanity's best buddy in less than a year.

What do you do?

[Sinewmire]

Childhood's End by Arthur C. Clarke deals with this problem. They arrive in flying saucers, use only voice-based communication and are generally mysterious, whilst doing their best to help mankind free itself from poverty, corruption, religion etc.

Many years later, once they judge that mankind can take it, they show themselves. They are tall Satan lookalikes, wings, horns, the whole bit. The children have no problem with it, being brought up in the "new society" but the adults are still discomfited.

[Darth Ruinus]

The best way would probably to teach mankind how to build advanced technology themselves. I can't bring any imported technology from my homeworld to Earth, but nothing stops me from telling them how to figure out amazing energy sources, advanced medicine, or cheap space travel on their own. I suppose I could also give them advice on how to solve world problems if the homeworld has solved those problems in the past.

In effect, act like a kind and helpful friend who happens to look like a monster, instead of acting like a monster while looking like one.

[Zor]

A good first step would be to commission a very large number of cuddly plush versions of said species to be made, with cuddly proportions and have them distributed. We can make bears into teddy bears, great white sharks into adorable possetions of young boys and so forth. That should ofset things somewhat.

Zor

[Axiomatic]

Many years later, once they judge that mankind can take it, they show themselves. They are tall Satan lookalikes, wings, horns, the whole bit. The children have no problem with it, being brought up in the "new society" but the adults are still discomfited.

This is why the scenario doesn't give you entire generations of time to work with.

[eion]

0) Come to Earth in peace.
1) Communicate via hologram. Said hologram is initally a "cute" version of your species. Feel free to tell them that you can't leave your spaceships because Earth's atmosphere is too toxic or something.
2) Elevate mankind by showing them how to solve problems, create new technologies.
3) Over the period of the year, the hologram will automatically shift to slowly depict you as you really are. This will give humanity time to acclimate slowly to your apperance while they begin to associate you with good works.
4) Hope it works.

[David J Prokopetz]

I can't bring any imported technology from my homeworld to Earth, but nothing stops me from telling them how to figure out amazing energy sources, advanced medicine, or cheap space travel on their own.

The Big Giant Head does not appreciate the distinction.

[Molyneux]

0) Come to Earth in peace.
1) Communicate via hologram. Said hologram is initally a "cute" version of your species. Feel free to tell them that you can't leave your spaceships because Earth's atmosphere is too toxic or something.
2) Elevate mankind by showing them how to solve problems, create new technologies.
3) Over the period of the year, the hologram will automatically shift to slowly depict you as you really are. This will give humanity time to acclimate slowly to your apperance while they begin to associate you with good works.
4) Hope it works.

I would go with all of these, and add:

5) Use a voice modulator. Just something to make me sound a bit less intimidating.
6) Wear Groucho Marx glasses and a fake nose/moustache whenever possible. Don't underestimate the diplomatic power of sillyness.

[Sinewmire]

This is why the scenario doesn't give you entire generations of time to work with.

Blast! So it doesn't.

Perhaps some sort of mask would be in order? You could claim that Earth's sun makes you die or something. Hell, you could claim practically anything about your biology. Other than kidknapping you and dissecting you there's not a lot Earth scientists could do to prove you wrong, and if they do, I'd say your reputation is the least of your concerns.

You could try honesty - speak to begin with through a robot or similar intermediary technology, and explain that your race looks damn ugly to humans, so you'd like them to listen to you before they see you.

You could also try and be reasonable, and let people figure that your appearance doesn't mean anything about your intentions or objectives, though of course if you've observed earth beforehand you'll know that it's sadly unlikely.

[Darmalus]

I remember a short story with a similar premise, only they were snail aliens that were just disgusting, not horrifying. They went the route of pre-contact propaganda, with the help of earth governments who wanted good relations as well. Cuddly toys, cartoons with alien look-alikes as the heroes, and so on, then a big reveal at the end when they came into public view. They also came with various gifts, which is always a good way to start on the right foot with new neighbors. So if they dig up a few billion dollars worth of precious metals from the asteroids and present it as a "welcome to the neighborhood" gift when they arrive, they stand a good chance of getting positive initial relations. I don't think refined metals would violate the no new technology rule.

[Kuja]

I think I'd use a keyboard and a connection to Earth while in orbit and just be honest.

"Look, humans, I'm going to be straight with you. My boss sent me on a mission here to make contact and get to work on acclimating you people to the galactic climate. So yeah, aliens exist, and yeah, we got a Federation. And no, we didn't kindap you out your window thirty years ago, so stop telling those stories. We don't like that.

"Anyway, here's my first big problem. I've got about a year - by your count - to work with you guys and get you ready for the big presentation. Normally we get ten to thirty, but our timetable got a bit screwed up before we left, so my boss decided to rush things a little bit. That's why I'm pretty much doing this thing by mass messenger instead of the usual take-me-to-your-leader schtick.

"Now, here's the hitch. I need to come down there at some point, but you see, I'm not exactly Mister Spock here. By your standards, I'm pretty sure I'd be a little bit terrifying. I don't normally do this, but here's my pic (you can click on it to get the full view).

<snip image of hideous nightmare beast>

"No, that's not photoshopped or altered or anything, that's me. For real. So you can probably understand why I want to keep our first meeting a bit on the small side. None of that 'addressing the United Nations' or anything, at least not right off the bat. In the meantime, I'll be online for awhile if people want to ask me questions. You may want to pick some folks to do that for you; I'm a fast typer but I can't keep up with three billion people firing one-liners at me.

"Oh yeah, we come in peace."

[bilateralrope]

I'd go with the plans about first showing a cuter version of how I really look while I'm covered and using a voice modulator. However I will not lie about why I'm covering myself for several reasons:
- If I lie, that has potential for serious backlash when the truth comes out.
- The truth means I can walk around with a lightweight cloth covering. If I lie, then my disguise also needs machinery to maintain the illusion, which will be bulkier (such as oxygen tanks if I claim that I need a special atmosphere).
- There will be humans who want to know what I look and sound like. By telling the truth, it might encourage more of them. If I show them and they can handle it, it means I might be able to employ them to help acclimatise others.

[SilverWingedSeraph]

I find the most famous Hollywood agent who's able to make even the scummiest of celebrities seem totally socially acceptable, and I hire him to be my PR manager.

I may have stolen this idea from a novel called Agent To The Stars by John Scalzi, which deals with a similar scenario. The aliens in that aren't quite as bad as the ones mentioned in this scenario, but they're fairly close.

I think this is probably what Darmalus was referring to. The novel is free to read online if anyone's interested.

[Zixinus]

Wear a robe and a neat mask.

[Swindle1984]

"Hey guys, I'm pretty friggin' ugly by your standards, so I'm just gonna wear this until you guys get used to us, we don't want to freak you out or anything. So, yeah, I can't give you advanced technology or anything yet, but I did bring a few million tons of various refined ores harvested from your asteroid belt with me, along with some stuff collected from your gas giants and their moons. Hope you like it. Let's be friends?"

[Lord of the Abyss]

My first thought also was "wear a fill body mask and robe". Although I was thinking about the Monks from a few of Larry Niven's stories not the Vorlons.

One possibility is to play up how awful you look under the hood and mask, in a somewhat patronizing way. "We know that less sophisticated species find those who look different disturbing, so we are wearing these robes so as to avoid violating your emotional sensibilities. Especially since we are especially terrifying in appearance." Hopefully then when it comes out how you really look, people will both be underwhelmed by your appearance compared to what their imaginations had built up, and because it will be a point of pride among us not to freak out and prove ourselves to be uncultured barbarians.

[Temujin]

I think I'd use a keyboard and a connection to Earth while in orbit and just be honest.

I think being open and honest upfront is the best approach. Relationships are based on trust, and lies can really go along way at fucking up the trust thing. Also, we have fictional precedents for aliens disguising their looks to deceive us.

"Hey guys, I'm pretty friggin' ugly by your standards, so I'm just gonna wear this until you guys get used to us, we don't want to freak you out or anything. So, yeah, I can't give you advanced technology or anything yet, but I did bring a few million tons of various refined ores harvested from your asteroid belt with me, along with some stuff collected from your gas giants and their moons. Hope you like it. Let's be friends?"

This is also a viable option, especially since we also have precedents for it in fiction.

[Packbat]

I agree with the text-chat upfront sincerity approach - I agree with Lord of the Abyss that robes would be useful, but condescending doesn't sound like a safe strategy.

One thing I would suggest is to try for an anthropologist-making-first-contact relationship - respect and near-infinite tolerance, to start with; also, exchange of valuables (I agree on the refined-raw-materials approach, although I would add some hydrogen and hydrocarbons to the mix) for cultural information e.g. interviews, documentary rights (implied: we value you and your society and we respect your intellectual property).

[Rossum]

One other thing:

Its quite possible that your alien facial expressions, language, gestures, and such would not easily match up with the expectations of human observers (like how the 'laughs' of hyenas are actually them screaming in fear, or the 'smiles' of chimps are them showing their teeth to scare away others, etc). Even if you can get a perfect text or audio translator device set up then it may be difficult to show things like laughter, sarcasm, or when you are actually concerned about something.

So, in addition to the plan to use silliness to alleviate fears about your alien appearance, you could get a little hand puppet that you use to talk through. Like a Kermit the Frog puppet that you could sync up the words to the facial expressions so that things like fear, humor, concern and the like would be accurately expressed even if you don't have lips, eyebrows, or whatnot that you can use.

Besides, its possible that people who are afraid of your natural form could instead look at the cute little puppet in your hand while those who can accept your form look at what your actual face is doing.

"Hello there, I am Xelorpah Elzronak the Representative from the Galactic Federation of Sapient Beings... or to be more precise I am the large creature here that looks like a terrestrial wolf spider. This little fellow here on my left pincer is a hand puppet translator my tech team whipped up so that I can communicate with you easier, apparently facial expressions didn't parallel evolve on our two worlds."

[Mr Bean]

1. Arrive in orbit, do a few passes of the planet going over uninhabited areas. Move to one of the Lagrange points and announce yourself to the Humans plain text messages & dot-dash code over radio waves. Greetings Humans this is Crankor of the Phantom planet (Or whatever) we greet you Humans in the name of the Big Giant Head. We wish to establish trade negotiations with your species. This message repeats. Broadcast that for a week.

2. After a week has gone by the message changes "Greetings Humans this is Crankor , the Big Giant Head wishes peaceful trade negotiations between us to that end I will be bringing material and devices to facilitate negotiation between us. There are many worlds in the great vastness of space and many languages. We must learn yours better as you learn ours so communication can be understood. To that end we intend to send down a shuttle to this area (Some large island, thinking Diego Garcia) tomorrow to set up an area for negotation, the actual negotiation to be conducted in seven standard human days from tomorrow with representives from the

Step 1 all messages will be ignore, step 2 in the lead up the big first contact meeting messages will be returned to anyone who's beams a radar message our way with some variant of "we thank you for your message but we are unsure how good our human speech is yet again via dot dash and text"

3. The big meeting, we are not going in person but sending a an Avatar or rather a robotic being to speak for us. Less AI and more a teleconferencing robot. For a face a nice picture of our spaceship will do at this point. Our avatar robot needs to be nonthreatening as possible.


4. Open trade negotiation. Offer to trade backgrounds and history's of earth in exchange for technology and teaching tools. Explain you only have so much to offer because you are a scout. If humans were warlike the alternative is to declare the SoL system the galaxy equivalent of a dangerous neighborhood and warning away other species from the area. At no time threaten them. If they threaten back simply repeat that you'll just leave. If asked why robots handle discussion and not you people explain it is standard procedure because a harmless bug to humans is deadly to you, or one of your harmless bugs could be the zombie virus for humans. Part of trade negotiations is the rights in essence to walk around the island and collect air samples and run the bio scanners over plants and the wildlife.

5. Build slowly to the reveal, I like the plushy idea. Make a gift of it during the 2nd day, cute as you can make humans treat it. If your eyes are compound by all means give your little plush version of you cute little button eyes. Again when pressed say it is your way to take these things slow if they say want to come to your ship or want you to come to earth.

At month ten you can come down robes and all for a big old visit but ten months of talking and little gifts (Hey, had some delicious cold fusion today?) that propel humans should help. Month 11 you can reveal yourself, sorry humans but we look like something out of the Culthulu mythos but hey we all talk like Kevin Murphy so we can't be all bad?

[The Yosemite Bear]

somehow this thread has me thinking "Lovecrafian Horror" creature discovers anime/hentai, we are all doomed

[iborg]

Solution's obvious, make first contact with the Japanese.

[Temujin]

somehow this thread has me thinking "Lovecrafian Horror" creature discovers anime/hentai, we are all doomed

That's something we could trade to 'Them'. Give us Fusion and advanced medical knowledge in exchange for all the animated porn you want. Hell the industry in Japan would probably increase by it's current output by an order of magnitude, followed quickly by live action productions.

[Broomstick]

I like the idea of plush toys. I mean hell, people market plushies of Chthulhu and Yersinia pestis, why not horrifying aliens?

Mr. Alien has to be honest about his/her/its appearance. No condescension, though. Just be up front: "My appearance is similar but not identical to a wolf spider, but much, much larger. It is my understanding that this will cause distress to many humans, even those who are not usually afraid of spiders. Likewise, you may find my vocalizations distressing. I apologize in advance for this, and I am eager to find ways to minimize the discomfort my physical presence causes."

Various ways to do this:

- wear robes. I don't suggest a mask, but certainly draped cloth can hide a lot
- alien representatives MUST move slowly and deliberately around humans.
- always be willing to meet with humans via any number of methods - face-to-face, via robot "avatar", videoconferencing, via texting, use of devices that modify the voice, and let the human choose, thereby giving the human more control over the situation
- wear deodorant. Or stand downwind.
- bring gifts. Lots and lots of gifts

People can get used to a lot of things, given enough time and hand holding. Some humans, of course, will never get over their hangups, but assuming the alien race has some experience in dealing with other species they'll know that. I'd also expect, the human race being what it is, a lot of humans will find the aliens completely fascinating no matter how horrific.

[Serafina]

People can get used to a lot of things, given enough time and hand holding. Some humans, of course, will never get over their hangups, but assuming the alien race has some experience in dealing with other species they'll know that. I'd also expect, the human race being what it is, a lot of humans will find the aliens completely fascinating no matter how horrific.

On a short note - they will have the same experience as we have, since we will most likely just like strange/hideous to them as they do to us. So they'll have the exact same problem and hence understand the necessities that come from that.