Bad Anime (Version 1.5)

Sidewinder · Post by **Sidewinder** » 2010-10-10 02:17am

After adding two Bad Anime characters to n00b Genesis Evangelion, I decided to clean up the first story, incorporating all the changes and "ghetto edits" I made after the original posts. Hopefully, Writer's Block will lift enough for me to add new scenes.

Sidewinder · Post by **Sidewinder** » 2010-10-10 02:28am

The portrait of a 14-year-old boy, hand-drawn and computer-colored, moved. The boy's hands extended from the computer monitor and gripped the frame to pull him out of the monitor.

A Toon, a child of dreams, was being brought to life by the animator who drew him.

The boy's head emerged from the monitor. His hands rested on the animator's desk as his chest emerged from the monitor resting upon the desk. Then his hands slipped.

"Eh?" The boy fell, face-first onto the floor, kicking over the monitor as he did so. "Ite!"

A 21-year-old man of Japanese-American descent-- another Toon-- approached the boy and offered his hand. The boy gratefully took it, and was pulled to his feet. "You okay?"

"Yes," the boy answered. "Thank you..."

"Johnny Tsurugi, the big brother." The 188-centimeter-tall man had black hair and gray eyes, and his intense stare made his eyes resemble gun muzzles. His palms had stigmata, implanted light-emitting diodes (LEDs) that let him interface with electronic systems. The man wore a black flight suit, which was skin-tight to let the suit's sensors monitor his health. Armor protected his shoulders, torso, and groin. His left hand cradled a helmet with a skull printed on the visor. Two holsters were strapped to his thighs.

"I'm Yamato Shiro... the hero." The boy had black hair and blue eyes. His palms also had stigmata. He wore a white shirt, a blue vest with his school crest over his heart, and blue pants.

Johnny translated Shiro's name. "Japanese Soldier-- a good name."

An executive from XYZ Animation, the company that created the Toons, approached the boy. "Good morning, Shiro!" He put his hand on the boy's shoulder. "Let me introduce your costars. You've already met the big brother." He pushed Shiro towards a group of people-- Toons.

The boy faced a 19-year-old woman of German-Chinese descent. Red ribbons braided her black hair around the sides of her head, making it seem as if she wore two nautilus shells; she had golden eyes. The woman wore a qipao, a one-piece dress popular in Qing Dynasty China, with a floral motif. A jian, a Chinese double-edged sword, was slung across her back. "This is Aimei Skorzeny, the tsundere girl," one who is initially aloof, morose, and critical of the hero, but later reveals her emotional vulnerabilities and becomes affectionate.

"Good morning," Shiro greeted.

"Grrrr." Aimei's fierce expression forced the boy to back away.

The executive laughed. "Don't worry. She's tsuntsun," aloof, morose, and critical, "now, but she'll be nice to you once she becomes deredere," emotionally vulnerable and affectionate. He pushed Shiro towards a 30-year-old with red hair and green eyes, wearing a British Army dress uniform with a miniskirt. "This is Linda Love, the big sister."

"Such a cute little boy!" Linda embraced Shiro, pressing his face against her large breasts.

"Oomph!"

"Let him go, Linda," the executive ordered.

"Awwww." But the redhead complied, letting the boy breathe.

The executive pushed Shiro towards two 18-year-old women with red eyes. One had silver hair, and wore a French maid uniform in the Gothic Lolita fashion. One had golden hair, and wore a flight suit with the zipper pulled down to reveal her breast cleavage. "These are Sugar and Spice, the sexaroids," sexy androids.

"Good morning, Master Shiro," Sugar, the silver-haired sexaroid, coldly greeted. A katana, a Japanese long sword, was slung across her back.

"Nice to meet you, Master Shiro," Spice, the golden-haired sexaroid, warmly greeted.

The executive pushed the boy towards a 49-year-old man wearing the black uniform of the fictional Japanese Strategic Self-Defense Force (JSSDF). "And this is Yamato Isamu, your father, for whom you suffer from Oedipus complex," a son regarding the father as an adversary, a competitor for the mother's love.

"Good morning, Father." Isamu ignored Shiro, making the boy want to cry.

Then the executive pushed the boy towards a door. "Now let's go meet the sponsors."

***
BAD ANIME EPISODE 1: HEROES A GO-GO

By Sidewinder (aim9snake@hotmail.com), originally as "Enter the Heroes" in 2007, last revised 2010.

***
The Toons followed the executive to a conference room, where several men and women-- humans-- waited.

A young man with brown hair and blue eyes, wearing a US Army dress uniform, was arguing with a businessman. "I don't care what you say about GLOCK perfection, I'm not trading in my Springfield Armory 1911-A1 Operator for a piece-of-shit plastic pistol!"

"Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce the stars of XYZ Animation's newest project, 'Frozen Ragnarök'," the executive stated.

"Chief Warrant Officer Johnny Tsurugi, US Army."

"Aimei Skorzeny. Eh, what am I doing here?"

"Lieutenant Colonel Linda Love, British Army. XO," executive officer, "of the UN PPF," Permanent Peacekeeping Forces.

"General Yamato Isamu, Japanese Strategic Self-Defense Force. Commander of the United Nations Permanent Peacekeeping Forces."

"Sugar. Sexaroid copilot for ULTRA Zero."

"Spice. Sexaroid copilot for ULTRA One."

"Go on, Shiro," the executive ordered.

The boy nervously fidgeted. "I'm Yamato Shiro... the hero." He heard the men and women laugh. "Really!"

The men and women examined the Toons. "Where's the black guy?"

"The who?" the executive asked.

"The black guy or gal," the soldier repeated. "You know there are Black Americans living in the US, many of whom are soldiers, don't you? They got to be represented, or they'll take offense, and we'll need a refund," for the millions of dollars the US Army invested in the anime.

"Sergeant Zwolak is right," said a businessman. "Ford Motor Company cannot support a work that promotes racial discrimination."

"And the black guy must be one of the main characters, or he'll be a token black guy, Black Americans will take offense, and we'll be back at square one."

The executive began to sweat. "The black guy is talking to the animators. I'll get him right away." He exited the room.

The soldier approached Johnny. "So you're the US Army's latest recruitment tool, aye?" He extended his hand. "I'm Stephen A. Zwolak, the military advisor."

Johnny noted the insignia on the soldier's uniform-- Special Forces, Airborne, the rank of staff sergeant, awarded the Silver Star and the Combat Infantryman Badge-- as they shook hands. "It's an honor, Sergeant."

"Call me Steve. Mind if I call you Johnny?" the military advisor asked.

"No, Steve."

One of the businessmen approached Johnny. "You are the soldier, ja? I represent GLOCK," an arms manufacturer that invested hundreds of thousands of dollars in the anime. He opened a briefcase to reveal two semiautomatic pistols, and three flashlights to mount under the gun barrels. "Presenting the GLOCK 20SF in 10-millimeter Auto; the GLOCK 21SF in .45 Auto; the GLOCK Tactical Lights GTL 11, GTL 22, and GTL 52. Choose your weapon, and use it well."

"Thank you, Sir." Johnny picked up and inspected each pistol, before choosing the powerful GLOCK 20SF. He mounted the GTL 52 on the weapon, and then holstered it.

*
Black hands extended from the computer monitor and gripped the frame. An Afro emerged from the monitor. "Ha!" A 45-year-old black man jumped out of the monitor, performed a combat roll, and jumped to his feet.

"Hurry," the executive ordered.

The black man wore a US Army dress uniform. He dutifully followed the executive to the conference room. "Lieutenant General Abraham Black-- Abe to my friends-- US Army. CO," commanding officer, "of the UN..." Abe turned to the executive. "Does it really share an acronym with the Parti Populaire Français?"

The businessmen were confused. "The what?"

"A French fascist party that collaborated with the Nazis during World War II. Hell, they even helped the Gestapo," Nazi Germany's Secret State Police, "round up Jews for deportation to concentration camps," Abe stated.

'Damn it!' "As commander, you may choose a name that is more appropriate," the executive growled.

"You are mistaken. I am commander of the Permanent Peacekeeping Forces," Isamu corrected.

Abe smiled. "Not anymore."

"General Black is correct," the executive stated. "We cannot risk offending Black Americans."

"But..."

"Don't worry; you still have an important role in 'Frozen Ragnarök'," the executive assured.

"But..."

"General Yamato, you may leave now."

Isamu glared at Abe. "This is not over." He exited the room.

***
The executive and one of the businessmen lead the Toons-- minus Isamu-- to a hangar, where several cars were parked around two robots with cockpit hatches opened on their chests. Shiro now wore a blue flight suit.

"Shiro, Johnny, your mission is to pilot the Urban Locale Tactical Robotic Armors, or ULTRAs, in support of UN peacekeeping missions," the executive stated.

"Does it have a rear escape hatch with explosive bolts?" Johnny asked.

"No."

"Then modify the design. Put in a rear escape hatch with explosive bolts. Ideally, they should be triggered by an ejection seat or escape pod."

The executive frowned. "You're just a Toon! You have no right to demand changes to the ULTRAs' designs!"

Johnny put a hand on his holster. "I refuse to pilot a deathtrap from which I cannot escape."

"I assure you, an ULTRA cockpit is the safest place you can be." The executive turned to the boy. "Shiro, Sugar, board ULTRA Zero."

The boy's mouth opened. "But..."

"Do it."

The boy's head bowed in resignation. "Yes, Sir." He turned to the robots. "Which one is ULTRA Zero?"

"The lavender one," Sugar stated.

"The pink one?" The 23.7-meter-tall robot resembled an armored samurai with short wings on the back.

"It's lavender, a light shade of purple-- not pink," the silver-haired sexaroid corrected.

Shiro climbed a ladder beside ULTRA Zero, entered the cockpit, sat in the front seat, and fastened the safety belts. Sugar sat down behind him, plugged a cable into the back of her neck to interface with the main computer, and closed the hatch. "What am I supposed to do now?" the boy asked.

"Press START, the big red button."

"START... Here it is." Shiro pressed the button to start the robot's zero-point energy generator, which began to hum. Data filled three multifunction displays (MFDs) as the main computer was turned on. Liquid crystal displays (LCDs), which covered the interior of the cockpit, began to display images taken by cameras installed at various points on the robot's torso.

"The joysticks control the arms. The pedals control the legs."

"Arms," Shiro put his right hand on the joystick on his right side, and his left hand on a bar on his left side, overlooking the joystick in the center of the console, "and legs," he put his feet on the pedals.

"Your left hand is on the," Sugar watched Shiro push the bar, which ignited the leg-mounted turbojet-rocket hybrid engines, launching the ceiling towards the cockpit, "throttle." ULTRA Zero's head crashed into the ceiling, punching a hole in it, before the robot fell on its chest, shaking the parked cars.

An alarm was triggered; red lights flashed in the cockpit. Sugar pushed the joysticks, trying to make ULTRA Zero perform a pushup so she could open the hatch. The robot didn't move. The silver-haired sexaroid turned on the loudspeaker to say, "We have lost main power. ULTRA Zero is now immobile. We require assistance to exit the robot."

"Help!" Shiro cried.

The executive turned to Johnny. "Mister Tsurugi..."

"Get a forklift. I refuse to pilot that deathtrap," Johnny repeated.

"I'll help them." Spice turned to ULTRA One, but Johnny held his arm in front of her.

"If you want to help, get a forklift. Don't pilot that deathtrap."

"Yes, Master Johnny."

"Call me Mister Tsurugi, okay?"

"Okay, Mister Tsurugi."

The executive sighed. "I'll get a forklift." He exited the hangar.

The businessman shrugged. "When you're not on a mission, you're to drive Fords and Lincolns." He opened a briefcase to reveal six sets of car keys. 'So GM,' General Motors, 'thinks they can win over future customers by paying a studio to have giant robots transform into their cars? We'll show them.'

Johnny pointed at a plug-in hybrid electric vehicle (PHEV) variant of the Ford F-150 pickup truck. "I'll take the truck." The businessman handed the keys to him.

Abe extended his hand. "I want the luxury car," a Lincoln MKS. The businessman handed the keys to him, and raised another set of keys.

"Who wants to drive a Ford GT?" supercar.

Linda raised her hand and jumped up and down. "Me! Me!" The businessman handed the keys to her.

"The Shelby GT500?" sports car.

"I do," Spice answered.

The businessman handed two sets of keys to the golden-haired sexaroid. "Give your sister the keys to the Fusion Hybrid," four-door sedan.

"What about me?" Aimei asked.

"You were added to the cast at the last minute. I'm sorry, we don't have a car for you," the executive saw Aimei glare, and began to sweat, "yet."

*
"I think you fall in love with Shiro, but because you're cursed to have the one you love fall in battle, you're afraid to express your love."

Aimei glared at the character designer. "You mean I have no meaningful role in 'Frozen Ragnarök'?"

The character designer began to sweat. "Actually, I don't know what your role is. I designed you because the director said we needed more moe," turn-on, "characters."

"Then I must be the one who defines my role."

"But you're not the scriptwriter."

Aimei drew her sword and pointed it at the character designer's throat. "I will define my role, and you will help me."

The character designer's eyes crossed to stare at the point of the sword. "Okay."

*
Isamu glared at the scriptwriter. "I no longer have a meaningful role?"

"You will have a meaningful role. I just need time to think it up," the scriptwriter stated.

"But I am the hero's father."

"The Americans ordered me to include the black guy, or XYZ Animation would have to refund their money. I can't defy them."

"Damn." Isamu heard the door open, and turned his head. "We're busy."

"I'm here to define my role," Aimei stated.

"You're the tsundere girl. You're supposed to be mean to the hero before you fall in love with him," the scriptwriter stated.

"You also cursed me to have the ones I love fall in battle."

"For dramatic purposes."

"Change the curse to berserk rage."

"What?!"

"I want to be a berserker," Aimei stated.

"Why?!"

"So I can kick ass."

"But..."

Aimei drew her sword and pointed it at the scriptwriter's throat. "Change the curse to berserk rage."

The scriptwriter's eyes crossed to stare at the point of the sword. "Okay."

'An effective tactic,' Isamu thought.

*
Shiro and Sugar were freed 90 minutes later. Shiro, his bladder threatening to burst, rushed to the restroom. "Ahhhh!" He washed his hands and exited the restroom to see Aimei march down the hallway.

The tsundere girl's now wore her hair in a simple bun. She wore a black sports bra, German Army uniform trousers, and steel-toe boots. Sappenpanzer, trench armor issued by the German Army in World War I, protected the front of her body.

"Good morning..." Shiro felt Aimei put her hand on his chest and push him backwards. The boy looked down to see the qipao in his hands. "But I'm a boy!"

"It's for Sugar, not you; it matches the ULTRA she copilots." Then Aimei marched away.

Shiro held the qipao in front of him, turned to a window, and stared at his reflection. "It looks so pretty." The boy blushed. "I shouldn't..."

***
The executive led the Toons-- minus Aimei-- back to the hangar.

"We've redesigned the ULTRAs. They now have ejection seats and, in case the robot falls on its back, front escape hatches. Are you satisfied, Mister Tsurugi?"

The Toon in question examined the hatch on ULTRA One's abdomen. The 25.5-meter-tall robot was black, covered with radar-absorbing material, and resembled a medieval knight with swept wings on the back.

Johnny, demonstrating superhuman strength, jumped onto ULTRA One's shoulder. He looked down the hatch on the back of the robot's neck, climbed into the cockpit, and examined the ejection seats there. "The ULTRAs transform, don't they?"

"Yes," the executive answered.

"Tell me how to do it. I need to make sure the hatches aren't covered up when ULTRA One transforms."

Spice jumped onto the robot's shoulder. "Allow me." She sat down behind him, and pushed the emergency start button. "The transformation switch is on the throttle."

Johnny found the switch set to ASSAULT MODE, the humanoid robot, and thumbed it to ATTACK MODE. ULTRA One's arms slid down to touch the floor, becoming legs as toes unfolded from the back of the hands-turned-feet. The legs were lifted off the floor, and joined together to become a tail as fins unfolded from the sides. Claws extended from where the robot's shoulders were. The neck extended, and the mouth-- with teeth designed to crush concrete fortifications-- opened.

"Roarrrr!" The executive and the other Toons covered their ears.

"Impressive," Isamu exclaimed. The ULTRA One now resembled a Carnotaurus, a carnivorous dinosaur-- a form optimized for close air support (CAS) missions.

Johnny stood up to look out of the still open hatch. Then he opened the front escape hatch, which triggered an alarm. "Good." He turned to Spice. "Make sure the maintenance crew replaces the explosive bolts."

"Maintenance crew?"

"The people who perform maintenance on the ULTRAs."

"We don't have those people," the golden-haired sexaroid stated.

Johnny's head bowed in frustration. "Sigh."

*
Shiro knocked on the studio door, heard someone say, "Come in," and complied. "Good morning, Mister Character Designer, Mister Scriptwriter."

"Good morning, Shiro. We have good news and bad news," the scriptwriter stated.

The boy nervously fidgeted. "Bad news?"

"You didn't make much of an impression on the investors," the character designer stated.

"They thought Johnny was the hero," the scriptwriter added.

"The good news is we have an idea that will help you make a better impression." The character designer turned a computer monitor to Shiro.

The boy stared at the monitor, which showed a 14-year-old girl. Then Shiro felt his body change. His chest felt swollen, and he looked down to see static covering his body. "Ehhhh?!" The pitch of his voice became higher. He felt the wind tickle his legs as his pants became a skirt. Then the static cleared away to reveal his new body, which was identical to the girl's. "Mister Character Designer..."

The man moved behind the boy-turned-girl, and used two pink ribbons to tie her hair into two pigtails. "Finished."

"She looks so cute!" the scriptwriter exclaimed. "Let's call her Yamato Nadeshiko," after the Japanese ideal of a meek woman who'd make a good housewife.

"But..."

The executive entered the studio. "Are you done?" He stared at Shiro-turned-Nadeshiko. "Excellent!" The executive took the girl's hand. "It's time to introduce you to the investors. Hopefully, you'll make a better impression this time."

*
Steve led Johnny, Linda, and the sexaroids to the dojo, a room for practicing martial arts. "I'm gonna kick your ass," the military advisor boasted.

"Impossible. My strength, speed, and endurance are limited by human imagination, not the human body; I can hit harder, faster, and for a longer time than you," Johnny stated.

Steve smiled. "I'm gonna..."

Nadeshiko opened the door and peeked in. "Excuse me..."

"Hi, Shiro!" Linda embraced the girl, felt something different, and held her at arm's length. "Why are you dressed up like a girl?"

"The character designer and the scriptwriter, they changed me into a girl... changed my name to Nadeshiko... thought I would make a better impression on the investors..." The girl began to cry. "I don't know what to do!"

"There, there." Linda embraced Nadeshiko again.

Steve stared at Johnny, who asked, "What?"

"I'm trying to picture you as a girl," the military advisor answered.

The door opened again.

"Good afternoon, Aimei," Johnny greeted.

The tsundere girl wore a Stahlhelm, a steel helmet issued by the German Army in World War I, with virtual reality (VR) visor attached to two bolts on the front of the helmet. "I've changed my name to Aizhan," Loves Battle.

Sugar noticed the weapon on Aizhan's back. "A chainsaw?"

Aizhan unhooked a latch, splitting the scabbard in half so she could draw the weapon. "It is a chainsword, a warrior's weapon, not a lumberjack's tool." Her thumb pressed a switch as her fingers squeezed the throttle; an atomic battery powered an electric motor, which shrieked as it drove the cutting chain around a guide bar with a length equal to Aizhan's height. "Its name is Raven's Kiss, a promise that my enemies will receive them."

"Kissed by ravens... you mean, torn apart by ravens?" Steve asked.

The tsundere girl smiled at the military advisor. "Yes."

"A good name." The silver-haired sexaroid drew her sword. "Mine is named Sakai Saburo," after a fighter pilot who served in World War II.

Aizhan turned to Sugar. "Do you wish to spar?"

The silver-haired sexaroid sheathed Sakai Saburo. "With shinai," bamboo swords, "only."

Aizhan sheathed Raven's Kiss. "Fine." She lowered the visor to protect her eyes as her opponent put on bogu, protective gear. The two approached the sword rack and each took a shinai, before facing each other. "Yaaaa!" The tsundere girl lunged at the silver-haired sexaroid. Sugar parried Aizhan's thrust; the sound of their shinai meeting was like thunder. The tsundere girl and the silver-haired sexaroid's shinai became blurs as they slashed, blocked, thrust, parried, and slashed again.

"Badass!" Steve exclaimed.

Crack! Aizhan broke Sugar's shinai, sending the tip flying towards the audience.

Steve ducked. "Yikes!" He didn't hear the broken tip hit the wall, and looked up; Johnny had caught the tip, demonstrating superhuman reflexes.

Sugar threw her broken shinai at Aizhan, who blocked the missile; the silver-haired sexaroid used the distraction to reach for the tsundere girl's throat.

Aizhan caught Sugar's hand. She began to transform into a werewolf-- black fur covered her body, her jaws lengthened as sharp teeth filled her mouth, her fingernails became claws, a tail appeared, and her legs bent like those of a rearing wolf. "Ah-wooooo!" She threw the silver-haired sexaroid through a wall.

Steve stared at the hole in the wall, and then the werewolf. "Whoa!"

Sugar drew Sakai Saburo as she reentered the dojo. "Round two."

Nadeshiko covered her ears. "Please stop fighting!" Tears flowed down her cheeks.

Sugar sheathed Sakai Saburo. "Yes, Mistress Nadeshiko." She turned to Aizhan. "We will determine who is stronger at a later time."

The tsundere girl transformed back to human form. "Fine."

Johnny turned to Steve. "Do you still believe you can kick my ass?"

The military advisor thought for a moment. "I can with the right weapons."

"Good answer."

***
To be continued...

Author's notes are below.

***
I revised the story after posting it on the Star Destroyer Discussion Forums (http://bbs.stardestroyer.net/index.php). When I began writing, one of my goals was to have the main characters change from being mere stereotypes, to... well, you saw for yourself. Shiro was a stereotypical bishonen, a beautiful young man and a confused bisexual, as implied by an alternate scene:

[Start]

"Good morning..." Shiro felt Aimei put her hand on his chest and push him backwards. The boy looked down to see the qipao in his hands.

"Wear this. It looks good on you."

"But I'm a boy!" Shiro protested. Aimei ignored him as she marched away.

Shiro held the qipao in front of him, turned to a window, and stared at his reflection. "It makes me look pretty." The boy blushed. "I shouldn't..."

[End]

Sergeant Zwolak is a real person, a friend I met in the Army.

Sugar originally described ULTRA Zero as "light red," a reference to the pink Spartan in 'Red vs. Blue' (http://rvb.roosterteeth.com/home.php).

The reason I changed the UN military's name, was because PPF would be pronounced "Pee-pee Eff," pee-pee being slang for penis or urinating. 'Bad Anime' is not a pornographic or scatological story; an organization named "Penis Force" or "Peeing Force" is inappropriate.

Sidewinder · Post by **Sidewinder** » 2010-10-10 02:38am

The executive led the Toons to the animation studio, which made Nadeshiko nervous. "Meet the villains of 'Frozen Ragnarök'."

"What about the maintenance crew for the ULTRAs?" Johnny asked.

"That can wait."

"Listen, poor maintenance will transform an ULTRA into a deathtrap, and I refuse to pilot a deathtrap."

'Of all the nerve!' "The character designer will design a maintenance crew for the ULTRAs. Just give him some time." The executive turned to a second group of Toons. "Please you introduce yourselves."

"I am General Grand Duke Beherit, Supreme Commander of the Red Legions." The 220-centimeter-tall man was middle-aged, bald, and had eyes with red and yellow irises that resembled flames. The man wore a medieval knight's armor, painted red, with spikes on the shoulders. His left hand cradled a helmet with a demon mask forming the visor. He was armed with a machine pistol, which had a katana blade attached to the grip.

"I am Crown Princess Balthild, scion of the House of Merovingian, heir to the throne of the Kingdom of the Holy Night, the dominion of immortals." The 18-year-old woman had long black hair that reached her waist, and violet eyes. She wore a golden tiara that resembled a bat with spread wings, a golden cross, a black leather corset, a violet dress, and elbow-length gloves. Bat wings encircled her shoulders, making it seem as if she wore a leather cape. She was armed with a scythe, whose blade resembled a bat wing, and a rapier.

Johnny noticed Balthild's fangs. "You're a vampire?"

"I am a dhampire, the child of a vampire father and a human mother."

"From the House of Merovingian, not Dracula?"

"We Merovingians are the descendants of the Lord Jesus Christ, who promised eternal life for his followers-- a promise fulfilled when one becomes a vampire," the dhampire stated.

"Interesting."

"I am Polyphemus 01." The three-meter-tall robot resembled his namesake, a Cyclops. Antennas, resembling knife blades, crowned his head. He had sharp teeth; no one could guess what they were for. A Gryazev-Shipunov GSh-23L twin-barrel autocannon was attached to each forearm, the weapons fed from two ammo drums behind his shoulders.

The executive turned to the first group of Toons. "Nadeshiko, Johnny, Aimei..."

"Aizhan," the tsundere girl corrected.

"You will each choose an archenemy to face in battle."

"Before we begin, may I ask what my motivation is?" Beherit asked.

"Your motivation?"

"The reason I'm fighting against the heroes," Beherit explained.

"You... are... uh... trying to take over the world!"

"But it seems the UN is attempting to do so, based on your description of the EPF," Enduring Peacekeeping Forces, the renamed Permanent Peacekeeping Forces.

The executive began to sweat. "Uh..."

Aizhan drew Raven's Kiss and pointed the chainsword at Polyphemus 01. "You will be my archenemy."

Balthild turned to Aizhan. "I believe I am more suitable; as the descendent of a vampire, I am a traditional enemy of werewolves."

Aizhan didn't bother to turn her head. "I don't give a damn about tradition. I want to fight the killer robot."

"That is acceptable," the robot stated.

"Sigh." Balthild turned to Johnny, who approached Beherit and extended his hand.

"I guess you'll be my archenemy. I'm Johnny Tsurugi."

Beherit shook Johnny's hand. "It will be an honor to face you in battle."

The warrant officer pointed at the general's weapon. "A GLOCK 18C?"

"Yes."

"You should remove the sword blade; it unbalances the weapon, making it difficult to aim."

Beherit shrugged. "The director insisted on this design; I have no choice but to use it."

"Damn."

Balthild glided towards Nadeshiko. "You look delicious." The woman smiled as she caressed the girl's cheek, making Nadeshiko shiver. "I'll be seeing you."

***
BAD ANIME EPISODE 2: HELLO, I'M A SUPERVILLAIN, YOUR ARCHENEMY FOR TODAY

By Sidewinder (aim9snake@hotmail.com), originally as "Enter the Villains" in 2007, last revised 2010.

***
Steve entered the pistol range, where Spice, Abe, and Beherit practiced marksmanship.

The black man's right hand drew a GLOCK 21SF. He squeezed the trigger; the gunpowder in the .45 ACP (11.43x 23mm) casing ignited, propelling a bullet at 330 meters per second, through the target's head. Abe put the pistol in his left hand, squeezed the trigger, and sent a bullet through the target's neck. "I am badass." He continued to practice firing with his left hand; the bullet holes crept upwards, towards the first hole.

"Worthless piece-of-shit!" Beherit cursed. As Johnny predicted, the sword blade unbalanced his weapon; Beherit's best efforts could only make the bullets graze the target.

Spice's forearms split open; a rail guided a GLOCK 29SF subcompact pistol mounting a GTL 52, from the forearms' concealed weapons bay to each hand. The golden-haired sexaroid squeezed the trigger, sending a bullet through the target's neck. After emptying the magazines with average accuracy-- the bullet holes were spread out, not tightly grouped as Steve expected-- she reloaded the pistols, turned her back to the target, held the weapons behind her head, and began shooting with significantly improved accuracy.

"How does she do that?" the military advisor wondered aloud.

"We installed cameras in the GTL 52s," Johnny answered as he examined a 10x 25mm cartridge with a polymer tip.

Steve barely suppressed the urge to jump; he didn't see the warrant officer until the moment Johnny spoke. 'Is he a ninja?'

"The GTL 52 sends images through my stigmata, my cybernetic implants, which are projected over the lower corners of my eyes," the warrant officer continued.

The military advisor nodded. "The studio's making you use non-lethal weapons?" He thought the polymer tip was a plastic bullet, designed to stun instead of kill.

"Negative. This is a saboted light armor penetrator, mating a tungsten carbide fin-stabilized penetrator with a polymer sabot. We fitted smoothbore barrels to the GLOCK 20SF and GLOCK 29SF, creating miniature M256s," the 120mm gun mounted on M1A1 and M1A2 main battle tanks (MBTs). "Spice is collecting ballistic data for the penetrators, FMJ," full metal jacket, "and hollow-point bullets."

"Can I see?" Steve watched Johnny draw a GLOCK 20SF, unload it, and then hand the weapon to him. The military advisor examined the pistol, noting an LED on the grip, and a threaded barrel for an optional sound suppressor. "Awesome." He returned the pistol.

The sexaroid retracted her weapons and approached the warrant officer. "Mister Johnny, the modified GTLs maintain boresight within the prescribed limits. The GLOCK pistol remains perfectly functional when firing all three bullet types. The smoothbore barrel provides exceptional accuracy when firing SLAPs," saboted light armor penetrators, "beyond an unaltered pistol's maximum effective range. FMJ and hollow-point bullets will tumble; when firing these types, the weapon's maximum effective range is limited to 15 meters."

"Thank you, Spice." Johnny put on his helmet, took the sexaroid's hand-- his stigmata downloaded the data Spice collected, to his helmet's integral ballistic computer-- and then stood with his back to the target. The warrant officer held his pistols behind his head, and fired, hitting the target's chest and head every time.

"Mind if I join you?"

"Feel free."

Steve unbuttoned his jacket to reach the Springfield Armory 1911-A1 Operator semiautomatic pistol in his shoulder holster, and stood in the lane next to Johnny's. He drew the pistol, assumed the Weaver stance-- in which both hands held the pistol-- squeezed the trigger, and sent a bullet through the target's chest.

*
Balthild followed Nadeshiko and Sugar to the dojo.

"Are you sure?" Nadeshiko asked. "The dojo has windows; the sunlight might burn you."

"Contrary to modern folklore, sunlight will not harm vampires, although it does limit our powers; in Bram Stoker's novel 'Dracula', the Count can move about in daylight," Balthild stated.

"Okay." The girl opened the door and entered the dojo, followed by the silver-haired sexaroid and the dhampire.

Sugar approached the sword rack and took a shinai. "Let us begin," she said to Nadeshiko.

"Okay, Miss Sugar." Nadeshiko put on bogu and then approached the sword rack. To her surprise, Balthild also took a shinai.

"I wish to spar with you," the dhampire explained as she released her scythe, whose blade separated into two wings that flapped to keep the weapon off the floor.

The girl turned to the silver-haired sexaroid, who asked, "Shouldn't you wait until we begin filming?"

The dhampire approached the sword rack. "If we know each other's limits, we can choreograph battle scenes between us more dramatically."

"You have a point."

Balthild, holding her shinai like a rapier, pointed it at Nadeshiko. "On guard." She glided forwards with superhuman speed; the scythe flew behind the dhampire as the tip of her shinai touched her opponent's throat.

"Gasp!" Nadeshiko stepped back, shocked at Balthild's speed.

"You should have parried my thrust, and then counterattacked."

"But you're too fast!" the girl cried.

"That is no excuse. You are my archenemy; you must make yourself worthy of that role."

Nadeshiko's head bowed in resignation. "Yes, Princess."

"Do not bow your head like a servant. Look me in the eyes with pride, for I have chosen you to be my archenemy."

Nadeshiko complied. "Yes, Princess."

"Now attack."

Nadeshiko's body began to glow, as if the girl had transformed into a light bulb. Her shinai traced a circle around her body. "Amaterasu... Descends!" She slashed to launch the attack, named for the Japanese sun goddess, sending a wave of psychokinetic energy towards her opponent.

Balthild glided sideways to dodge the incoming wave, which scorched the wall behind her. The dhampire glided forwards and slashed.

"Ite!" Nadeshiko put her right hand on her left shoulder.

"Your special move takes too long to set up," Balthild commented.

"But the character designer insisted on having a dramatic set up!"

"Tell the character designer to go to hell. You must make yourself a worthy opponent if you do not want the fans to dismiss you."

"Okay, Princess."

"Now attack."

The girl's body began to glow again. "Amaterasu..."

"Do not call out the name of your special move; it gives your opponent a warning and allows him or her to counter your move."

The light became dim. "Okay." It became bright again as Nadeshiko raised her shinai. "Yaaaa!" She slashed.

Balthild lunged, sending a beam of psychokinetic energy towards her opponent; the energies annihilated each other, scorching the floor. "You are improving." She closed the distance. Her arm was like a machine gun; Nadeshiko was barely able to parry Balthild's thrusts. Then the dhampire's left hand reached up to remove her opponent's helmet.

"Eh?" The girl felt the dhampire's lips upon her own, burning them. Nadeshiko stepped back, shocked at what Balthild did. "Princess!"

"I was right; you are delicious." The dhampire smiled, which made the girl nervous.

*
The tsundere girl marched into the hangar, where the businessman waited.

"Good morning... Miss Aimei?" The businessman barely recognized the tsundere girl. The Sappenpanzer, redesigned to protect her back and shoulders as well as the front of her body, was worlds apart from the qipao.

"I changed my name to Aizhan." She turned to a Lincoln MKX Hybrid crossover utility vehicle (CUV). "Is that my car?"

"Yes." The businessman handed the keys to her.

"Thanks." Aizhan opened the door and drove towards the hangar door.

Polyphemus 01 approached the CUV, which stopped beside him. "What is your destination?"

"The rifle range," Aizhan answered. "I wish to practice my marksmanship."

"May I accompany you?"

Aizhan opened the door to the cargo compartment. "Don't scratch up my car, or I'll have your head."

"Yes, Madam." Polyphemus 01 folded his legs against his body to fit himself in the space provided, and closed the door. Then Aizhan drove through the hangar door.

The CUV arrived at the rifle range. "We're here," Aizhan said as she took Raven's Kiss from the passenger seat and slung the chainsword across her back. Polyphemus 01 exited the cargo compartment.

Aizhan, her left hand gripping a M25 grenade launcher, marched in front of a target; she extended her arm and aimed the weapon. The tsundere girl squeezed the trigger; the gunpowder in the 25x 40mm casing ignited, propelling the training round into the ground before the target.

"Your accuracy will improve if you weld the stock against your shoulder and support the barrel with your other hand," the robot noted.

"It will also improve with practice. Besides, I intend to hold my chainsword in my other hand." Aizhan squeezed the trigger repeatedly; the training rounds crept towards the target.

Polyphemus 01 confirmed that Aizhan's accuracy was improving. 'She will be a formidable opponent.' "What is reason you became a berserker?"

The tsundere girl sent a training round through the target's chest. "Are you programmed to be curious?"

"I am programmed to gather all available information on an enemy, in order to better fight them."

Another hole appeared in the target's chest. "I want to kick ass."

"According to the scriptwriter, your original role would have you do so."

"Until I fall in love with the hero; then I'll become weak and in need of his protection. I don't want to be a damsel in distress; I want to be a damsel who causes distress." Aizhan reloaded and began to practice firing with her right hand.

'Should I also reconsider my role?' The robot pondered this question as he stood in the lane next to the tsundere girl, extended his arms, and began to rain training rounds on the target.

***
Johnny, Spice, and Beherit waited in the hangar. The warrant officer pointed at his archenemy's weapon; the katana blade was now mounted under the pistol barrel, like a bayonet. "Crimson Trace Lasergrips?"

"Yes." Beherit drew his weapon, which mounted a laser sight; a red dot was projected on the wall. "The mechanical designer was very angry when I told him about the modifications, because my mount's main weapon would also have to be modified; I had to demonstrate the weapon's inaccuracy," by shooting at the mechanical designer, "to make him agree with me."

"A better idea would be to remove the sword blade."

Beherit shrugged. "I wish I could."

The executive led Nadeshiko, Sugar, and 16 beautiful young women of various ethnic backgrounds-- Toons-- to the hangar. "Here's the maintenance crew you requested."

Johnny examined the women, many of whom were distinguishable only by their hairstyles. 'The character designer is damn lazy.' "Who are the crew chiefs?"

A 26-year-old Latina and a 30-year-old Japanese woman approached him. "Sergeant First Class Lara Cruz, crew chief for ULTRA One."

Johnny shook the Latina's hand. "I expect you to prevent my ULTRA from becoming a deathtrap."

Lara smiled. "You can count on me, Sir."

The Japanese woman bowed. "I am Heian Sakura, crew chief for ULTRA Zero."

Johnny noted Nadeshiko's resemblance to Sakura, and the absence of rank insignia on the woman's flight suit. "A civilian?"

"Yes," the woman answered. "I am an engineer employed by Heian Heavy Industries," the fictional company that built the pink robot.

The warrant officer turned to the girl. "Your mother?"

"She's my aunt," Nadeshiko answered.

"Kikka -- my elder sister, Nadeshiko's mother-- died when Nadeshiko was six. I cared for my niece as my brother-in-law focused his attention on the ULTRA Project," the woman explained.

Johnny turned to Sakura. "I expect you to be extra careful with ULTRA Zero's maintenance."

"I will be."

"Where is the maintenance crew for my mount?" Beherit asked.

'Damn you, Tsurugi!' "The character designer is designing them right now," the executive answered.

Johnny turned to Lara. "What's ULTRA One's status?"

"Full fuel tanks, full complement of Excalibur, full complement of 30mm TP," target practice, "full complement of Agile; she's ready to go," the Latina answered.

Johnny turned to Spice. "Let's take ULTRA One around the block."

"Yes, Mister Tsurugi." The golden-haired sexaroid followed her master into the cockpit. ULTRA One began to walk towards the hangar door.

The executive turned to Nadeshiko. "It's time for you fly ULTRA Zero."

The girl nervously fidgeted. "But..."

"Get in the cockpit."

Nadeshiko's head bowed in resignation. "Yes, Sir."

Sakura embraced her niece. "Don't worry; I won't let anything bad happen to you."

"Thank you, Aunt Sakura." Nadeshiko and Sugar climbed the ladder and entered the cockpit. "What am I supposed to do?" the girl asked.

"Do as Mister Tsurugi does," the silver-haired sexaroid answered.

ULTRA Zero followed ULTRA One to the hangar door. ULTRA One jumped into the air, transformed to CRUISE MODE-- it began transforming into a Carnotaurus, but with its mouth closed, its limbs semi-recessed to minimize drag-- as back-mounted turborockets accelerated the vehicle, now resembled an F-117 Nighthawk stealth fighter, to hypersonic speeds.

ULTRA Zero imitated ULTRA One. The robot transformed-- the radome unfolded from the chest to cover the head, the arms retracted into the body, and fins unfolded from the sides of the legs-- to resemble the X-15 rocket plane. The ULTRAs flew towards the artillery range, where the wreckages of robots, piloted by hero and villain alike in past works of anime, sat on the ground.

Nadeshiko stared at the wreckages. "What are they?"

"Targets," Johnny answered. ULTRA One transformed to assault mode and hovered over the artillery range. Rails guided 155mm howitzers with targeting pods mounted under the barrels, from the weapons bays in ULTRA One's forearms, to its hands; each weapon resembled a giant GLOCK 20SF or GLOCK 21SF, mounting a giant GTL 52. The howitzers, six AIM-95 Agile missile tubes mounted on the shoulders-- cruise mode's forearms-- and a head-mounted GAU-13/A Gatling gun targeted a wreck. Crosshairs were projected over the wreckage. "Targeting, go." He fired the GAU-13/A; the gunpowder in the 30x 173mm casings ignited at a rate of 2400 rounds per minute, propelling a dozen TP shells into the target's head. "Gat," Gatling gun, "go." Johnny aimed the howitzers in two different directions; his cybernetic implants displayed images of his targets on the lower corners of his eyes. The howitzers fired shells at the targets, launching them into the air; the wreckages performed somersaults before they returned to the ground. "Howitzers, go."

Then an alarm warned Johnny that a weapons system was targeting ULTRA One. "What the...?" The warrant officer pushed the right joystick and the throttle; the black robot somersaulted, dodging a plasma beam. "Who...?"

An 18-meter-tall white robot, which resembled an armored samurai, rocketed towards ULTRA One. "Charles!" the pilot radioed as the white robot attached a plasma rifle to the small of its back, freeing its right hand so it could draw a metal rod from its left hip. The rod projected a nine-meter-long electromagnetic field containing superheated plasma, which formed a katana blade. "I will avenge Sakura Stoner!" The white robot slashed.

ULTRA One flew backwards, dodging the slash. "Spice, Gat, disable the bandit's," enemy robot's, "sensors," Johnny ordered as he fired two shells at the white robot, which blocked the shots, demonstrating the pilot's skill.

"Roger." Spice aimed the GAU-13/A at the white robot's eyes. She fired, blinding the white robot's main cameras.

The pilot turned on a backup camera in the robot's chest. "Sakuraaaa!"

The right howitzer retracted to free ULTRA One's hand, which drew a chainknife from the weapons bay in its right calf; the weapon resembled a giant GLOCK Survival Knife 81. The white robot slashed again. ULTRA One moved to the white robot's right side, dodging the slash as it stabbed the white robot's right armpit. The chainknife's electric motor shrieked as the weapon severed the white robot's right arm. Johnny fired the left howitzer at point-blank range; the shell pierced the armor on the white robot's back, launched the white robot towards the ground, and then exploded.

"Mister Tsurugi!" The battle was over by the time ULTRA Zero drew its Psycho Sword.

ULTRA One severed the white robot's left arm, left and right legs, and-- in case it had head-mounted weapons-- the head. "Return to base," Johnny ordered.

*
The maintenance crew was surprised when ULTRA One carried the white robot's wreckage to the hangar.

Johnny radioed, "I've captured an EPW," enemy prisoner of war. "Where are your weapons?"

Lara pressed the TRANSMIT button on her radio headset. "In the armory," she answered.

"Get them." Johnny watched the maintenance crew run out of the hangar, and waited for the women to return, armed with Heckler & Koch G36K carbines; the Latina's mounted an AG36 grenade launcher. "From now on, I want you to be armed and ready at all times."

"Yes, Sir."

"I'm getting the EPW out of the cockpit. Get ready." Johnny watched the women took cover and aimed their weapons at the wreckage. ULTRA One's chainknife cut open the hatch on the white robot's chest.

A 15-year-old boy emerged from the white robot's cockpit. "Charles!" He drew a semiautomatic pistol, aimed it at ULTRA One, and then noticed the US Army insignia on the robot. "Wait, you're not Charles Assyria." He lowered the weapon.

"Freeze!" "Throw your weapon over here!" "Do it, or you're Swiss cheese!" the women ordered.

"Don't shoot!" The boy threw his pistol towards Lara.

"Identify yourself!" the Latina ordered.

"I'm Amano Rei, the hero of 'Mechanized Soldier Gunboy'," the boy stated.

Johnny turned on the loudspeaker. "Why the hell did you attack me?"

"I thought you were Charles Assyria, my archenemy, who murdered the girl I love," the boy explained. "Your robot looked just like Charles' MS," mechanized soldier.

'The mechanical designer is damn lazy,' Johnny thought of the man who designed robots for both 'Mechanized Soldier Gunboy' and 'Frozen Ragnarök'. "Do you usually shoot first, ask questions later?"

"No. I often ask my superiors and my peers why we're fighting..."

"I mean do you usually shoot without first identifying your target and making sure you won't hit an innocent bystander?"

The boy's head bowed in shame. "Yes."

'Damn kid,' Johnny thought.

*
Steve sat in the break room, drinking coffee. The door opened. "Good morning, Johnny."

"Good morning, Steve." Johnny marched to the coffee maker and poured himself a cup.

"Is it true you scrapped one of those Gunboy robots?" One of the military advisor's friends was a fan of 'Mechanized Soldier Gunboy'.

Johnny sat down in front of Steve. "Yes."

"Good. That means you're badass."

Johnny took a sip. "The Gunboy pilot was a 15-year-old. He wasn't a serious threat, despite the Gunboy's impressive firepower."

"Why would anyone want a 15-year-old...?" Steve remembered that Nadeshiko was a 14-year-old. "Never mind. Where's the Gunboy pilot now?"

"He called Rising Sun," the company that created 'Mechanized Soldier Gunboy', "and had someone pick up him and his Gunboy. Apparently the mechanical designer recycled the design of an enemy robot in 'Gunboy' for ULTRA One, so the maintenance crew is repainting the ULTRA gray with black tiger stripes."

"That's FUBAR," fucked up beyond all recognition.

Johnny took another sip. "Agreed."

Abe entered the break room, marched in front of Johnny, and extended his hand. "Congratulations."

Johnny rose to attention. "Sir?"

"Just shake my hand." Abe waited for Johnny to comply. "You just kicked the ass of a robot from a rival company. That's something to be proud of."

"The pilot was a 15-year-old. That's nothing to be proud of."

"Why is the robot pilot always a 14, 15, 16-year-old?" Steve asked.

"So the viewers-- many of whom are 14, 15, 16-year-olds-- can relate to them," Abe answered.

"Hell, I can relate to Johnny just fine. Why can't the viewers do the same?"

Abe shrugged. "It's a Japanese thing; we Americans just don't understand."

***
To be continued...

Author's notes are below.

***
Balthild is a historical figure, the wife of Clovis II, King of Burgundy and Neustria. She was born in 626 or 627 of the Common Era (CE), died in 680, and was canonized as "Saint Balthild" in 880 CE. According to her Wikipedia article (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Balthild), her name means "bold battle" in Old English-- too good to pass up.

Balthild also had silver jewelry. I changed this so she wouldn't be too powerful; yes, that means silver bullets will hurt her.

Beherit's pistol-sword combination weapon was originally based on one now part of the US Army Ordnance Museum collection, at Aberdeen Proving Ground, Maryland. An Imperial Japanese Army officer actually customized his Nambu semiautomatic pistol by attaching a katana blade to the grip.

Heian Sakura originally shared the surname "Yamato," which made her brother-in-law very similar to another bad father I killed in four different stories ('Death is Never the End', 'Dark Mirrors: Across from Happiness', 'The Rear End of Evangelion', and 'n00b Genesis Evangelion').

Sidewinder · Post by **Sidewinder** » 2010-10-10 02:51am

Beherit's Battle Armor, Advanced Locomotion (BAAL), a forward-swept wing plane that resembled a claymore, a Scottish great sword, rained 9M120 Vikhr antitank missiles on the Type 87 self-propelled antiaircraft guns (SPAAGs) defending the UN base; the SPAAGs transformed into fireballs. BAAL transformed into a 29.8-meter-tall demon-- the forward fuselage split to form legs, arms extended from the sides, the wings and turborockets remained parallel to the ground as the rear fuselage-turned-torso folded 150 degrees down and rearwards, and a head extended. The demon drew its 120mm cannon/Devil Sword combination weapon; flames enveloped the blade as Beherit's pyrokinetic powers were conducted through the weapon, while the laser sight projected a red dot on the hangar roof. "Attack!"

Polyphemus 01 led Polyphemus drones, distinguished from him by their lack of the antennas crowning their commander's head, out of the Antonov An-72 transport plane flying over the UN base. Parachutes and leg-mounted booster rockets slowed their descent towards the hangar.

Aizhan transformed. "Ah-wooooo!" The werewolf's VR visor displayed the robots in red, distinguishing them from friendly forces. She jumped into the air and slashed. Polyphemus 01 caught her chainsword, which began to cut into the robot's right hand. Aizhan aimed her M25 at Polyphemus 01's chest. She squeezed the trigger as the robot threw her towards the runway; the high explosive airbursting grenade blew a hole in the robot's chest, but missed Polyphemus 01's zero-point energy generator.

Aizhan somersaulted in midair to land on her feet as the Polyphemus drones also began to land. She charged towards the robots, which aimed their GSh-23Ls at the werewolf; the gunpowder in the 23x 115mm casings ignited at a rate of 3000 rounds per minute, propelling hundreds of high explosive incendiary (HEI) shells towards Aizhan. The werewolf sheathed her chainsword, tucked in her arms and legs, and rolled forwards to dodge the shells, which cratered the ground behind her, sending shrapnel through her skin; she ignored the pain, trusting in her regeneration abilities to prevent the injuries from becoming life threatening, and then launched herself towards the nearest robot.

Aizhan squeezed the trigger; the high explosive airbursting grenade blew the Polyphemus drone's head into the air. The robot used a backup camera in its chest to aim its GSh-23Ls at the werewolf. Aizhan drew her chainsword as she squeezed the trigger again; the second grenade hit the Polyphemus drone's generator, transforming the robot into a fireball.

The werewolf charged towards the next nearest robot, dodging incoming grenades as she slashed. The chainsword cut through the Polyphemus drone's right elbow, its torso, and then its left elbow; the robot's head, chest, and upper arms fell onto the runway. The Polyphemus drone's elbows dug into the runway as it crawled towards Aizhan; its mouth opened to bite her left ankle. The werewolf slashed again, launching the robot's head into the air.

In the hangar, Sakura calmly put her hands on Nadeshiko's shoulders. The rest of the maintenance crew took cover behind toolboxes and packing crates, aiming their carbines at the robots approaching the hangar; infrared (IR) tabs on the women's uniforms made Aizhan's VR visor display them in blue, but the women still prayed that the werewolf wouldn't accidentally attack them. "Nadeshiko, you must pilot ULTRA Zero and defend the base; the enemy will kill everyone here if you don't."

"But..."

Sakura embraced her niece. "Do not be afraid. Trust in your training and your abilities."

Nadeshiko returned the embrace. "Aunt Sakura..." She looked up to meet Sakura's gaze. "I won't let the enemy hurt you." The girl climbed into the ULTRA cockpit, where Sugar was waiting. "ULTRA Zero, launch!" The pink robot marched to the hangar door.

Polyphemus 01 ordered the drones to split into two groups; group one engaged Aizhan and the rest of the UN base's defenders, while Polyphemus 01 lead group two towards the hangar. "Destroy the ULTRA." Polyphemus 01 and the drones rained smart grenades on ULTRA Zero; yellow gridlines appeared on the pink robot's armor as its structural integrity field resisted the blows.

ULTRA Zero drew its Psycho Sword, which burned white as Nadeshiko's psychokinetic powers were conducted through the blade. The pink robot slashed, sending a wave of energy towards the Polyphemus drones.

Polyphemus 01 jumped into the air, dodging the energy that blew the drones in half. The bisected drones continued to rain smart grenades on ULTRA Zero, but it was clear their weapons were unable to destroy the pink robot. ULTRA Zero fired its head-mounted M61A2 Gatling gun; the gunpowder in the 20x 102mm casings ignited at a rate of 6000 rounds per minute, propelling semi-armor piercing high explosive incendiary (SAPHEI) shells into the drones, shattering their bodies.

"Polyphemus 01, retreat," Beherit ordered. "I will deal with the ULTRA."

"Affirmative." Polyphemus 01 lead the surviving drones away from the hangar as BAAL landed in front of ULTRA Zero.

The demon aimed its weapon at the pink robot; the laser sight projected a red dot on ULTRA Zero's chest. "I send you on your journey... to Hell!" Clang! "Damn it!"

"Cut!" The director approached BAAL. "What the hell happened?"

Beherit turned on the loudspeakers. "My HUD," head-up display, "reads, '120MM LOAD ERROR'." BAAL's maintenance crew, ten men of Middle Eastern descent, approached the demon as it removed the weapon's magazine. "What the...? Some idiot put in the 120 millimeter shells backwards!" BAAL pointed the Devil Sword at its maintenance crew. "Who's the armorer?" Fingers were pointed at a bearded man. BAAL's left foot rose and then came down upon the bearded man, crushing him. "If you make this mistake again, I will inflict upon you to such pain, such suffering, that hell will seem like paradise. Do you understand?"

A bulge appeared in the bearded man-turned-pancake as he inhaled. "Yes... Master..."

The executive approached the director. "How long will this delay filming?"

"It will take two to three hours for the maintenance crew to unload the magazine, inspect the shells to make sure they are not damaged-- I do not want the weapon to explode when I squeeze the trigger-- and reload the magazine," Beherit answered.

"Damn it!"

ULTRA One, which was in position to shoot BAAL in the back, landed. "What happened?" Johnny radioed.

"The armorer put in the 120-millimeter shells backwards," Beherit answered. "We cannot resume filming until the maintenance crew unloads the magazine, inspects the shells to make sure they are not damaged, and reloads the magazine."

Johnny knew how long this would take. "We might as well take a lunch break now. The good guys are going to Burgermeister," a fast food restaurant. "Wanna come?"

"Sure." BAAL marched into the hangar that Beherit intended to destroy; then the Red Legion leader exited the cockpit. The maintenance crew-- minus the armorer-- approached the demon and began to perform maintenance as the ULTRA One entered the hangar.

Beherit watched the beautiful young women approach the ULTRAs. "You get a maintenance crew composed of beautiful but competent young women. I get a maintenance crew composed of men so incompetent, their fuck up delays filming by two to four hours. It is not fair."

Johnny shrugged. "It's good to be one of the good guys." He led Beherit to the parking lot.

***
BAD ANIME EPISODE 3: TENTACLES AND TRIBULATIONS

By Sidewinder (aim9snake@hotmail.com), 2007, last revised 2010. Special thanks to Pearson Mui.

***
The convoy drove towards Burgermeister.

Steve turned to Beherit, who sat next to him in Abe's car. "So you're the bad guy who's trying to take over the world?"

"Yes, although I consider that goal to be ludicrous."

"Hey, all the great villains want to take over the world. You got to aim high." Steve felt the car slow down. "What's up?"

Abe watched two bipedal tigers-- Johnny and Spice, their flight suits now colored to match ULTRA One's camouflage-- exit the F-150 PHEV, pistols in their hands, and approach the high school the vehicles were parked in front of. "He's not gonna..." He watched tentacles, encircling three teenaged girls, appear over the walls surrounding the school. "Damn."

The warrant officer used his pistol-mounted camera to look through the school gates. "Howitzers."

"Yes, Mister Tsurugi." The golden-haired sexaroid used her link to ULTRA One to turn on the loudspeakers. "Scramble, scramble, scramble," a warning that sent the maintenance crew running away from the robot; then Spice remotely piloted ULTRA One out of the hangar.

Johnny stepped in front of the gates. "Release the hostages!" The tentacle demon's eyes burned; the warrant officer instinctively ran sideways, dodging the beam of light reaching from the demon's eyes to scorch the ground where he once stood. Johnny put a penetrator in each of the demon's eyes, demonstrating superhuman skill.

"Shriek!" The tentacles slammed against the ground as the blinded demon tried to counterattack. Johnny holstered his right pistol, drew the GLOCK Survival Knife 81 from the sheath strapped to his boot, and slashed.

The severed tentacle released a girl. "What the hell are you doing?!" the girl demanded.

"Run away as fast as you can." Johnny somersaulted over a flailing tentacle, slashed again, and freed the second girl.

"Stop it!" the first girl shouted as she ran after Johnny; then a tentacle slammed against her belly, knocking her through the gates.

Spice pulled the girl behind the wall. "Are you injured?"

The girl pointed at the battle raging behind the wall. "You got to stop him! He's ruining everything!"

"We will."

The second and third girls followed Johnny behind a building. "You're not supposed to rescue us!" "Who the hell are you?!"

The warrant officer's arm reached out from behind cover to aim a pistol at the demon, designating him as a target. "Howitzers, fire on these coordinates."

"Roger," the golden-haired sexaroid replied. At the UN base, ULTRA One fired two M982 Excalibur trajectory correctable artillery shells.

"Reveal yourself!" the demon demanded as his tentacles reached for the walls. Global Positioning System (GPS) satellites guided the shells to the demon; the high explosives blew him to pieces, covering the building and the walls with purple ichor.

"Target neutralized," Johnny radioed to Spice.

A director and his assistant approached the warrant officer. "Do you realize what you've done?! Who the hell are you, anyways?!"

"One of the good guys."

"The script didn't have you blow up Adonis!"

Johnny frowned. "Script?"

"The script for 'Nymphomaniac High School', the OAV," original animation video, "we're filming!"

Sirens wailed. "I just called the police," the assistant reported, a cellular phone in his hand. "They'll deal with this guy."

*
Johnny sat in the interrogation room, facing a young policewoman with blood-red hair and dark eyes.

The policewoman held a card in her hand. "License to run rampant," which all Toons were required to carry, "number 18JUN1981?"

"Yes."

The policewoman wrote down the number. "Why did you intervene in the shooting?"

"I saw the schoolgirls being lifted into the air by the monster's tentacles; I thought they were in danger, and intervened to help them."

The policewoman continued to write. "What made you think they were in danger?"

"The tentacles were reaching under the girls' underwear. In the back of my helmet, you'll find a flash drive; it has a recording of the engagement."

"I'll ask Sergeant Mays to examine it," the policewoman said.

"You're not going to view the recording?"

"I have McKellan's Syndrome, which magnetizes the hemoglobin in my blood; electronics and I don't mix."

"Interesting."

The policewoman began to ask questions about how Johnny defeated the tentacle demon, and wrote down his answers. After 15 minutes, she rose to attention. "Thank you for your time, Mister Tsurugi. We may have further questions for you. Is there a number where you can be reached?"

"1-678-501-1991," Johnny answered as he rose to attention. "You served in the Army, right?"

"How can you tell?"

"Your bearing."

"I attended basic training, but was unable to graduate because my body..." The policewoman blushed. "Whenever I touched a rifle, the firing pin would be magnetically locked in place, and the rifle wouldn't fire; I even broke off the trigger on my M16."

"Is that why you wear daisho?" a set of long and short swords, which hung from a leather belt encircling the policewoman's waist.

"Yes."

"I'm sure you were a good soldier despite your condition."

The policewoman smiled. "Thank you, Mister Tsurugi."

The warrant officer extended his hand. "Call me Johnny."

The policewoman shook the warrant officer's hand. "I'm Anna."

*
The executive was fuming when the convoy returned to the UN base. "Mister Tsurugi, do you realize what you've done?" he demanded as the warrant officer exited the F-150 PHEV.

"I acted to save the lives of three innocent women," Johnny answered.

"They're H-anime characters! Toon whores! They're not innocent!"

Steve approached the executive. "Can you hook me up with those H-anime characters?"

The executive frowned at the military advisor, as if the man had grown a second head. "You want to have sex with an H-anime character?"

"Just to see what it's like. It won't be fair if Johnny's the only guy to paint pipes," slang for relationships between humans and Toons.

Johnny frowned at Steve. "Explain."

"I saw the looks that cop was giving you. Admit it," the military advisor winked at the warrant officer, "you wanna paint her pipes."

"What about the lawsuit Pink Star," the company that created 'Nymphomaniac High School', "is filing?"

Aizhan held Raven's Kiss in front of the executive. "I will deal with Pink Star." She smiled as the chainsword shrieked.

"But..." The executive watched Aizhan enter her SUV, start the engine, and drive away. "Damn Toons!" He stomped away from the hangar.

30 minutes later, the XYZ Animation executive received a telephone call from a Pink Star executive, announcing that the company was withdrawing the lawsuit; he could hear the fear in the other executive's voice. "I guess they're good for something after all."

***
ULTRA One led ULTRA Zero towards Peacekeeper One, an airborne command post based on the X-6 nuclear-powered bomber, whose bomb bay doors opened to lower mechanical arms; a hook extended from the back of the stealth fighter to lock onto one of the arms. "Just keep the white bar in the middle," Johnny radioed.

Nadeshiko looked up to see a white bar between two red arrows, designed to help the pilot orient herself as ULTRA Zero prepared to dock with Peacekeeper One. "Okay." She gently pulled the right joystick, guiding the pink rocket plane towards the mechanical arm. Click! The arm pulled ULTRA Zero into the bomb bay; then the doors closed.

Nadeshiko and Sugar exited the cockpit and climbed onto a catwalk, where Johnny and Spice were standing. The girl bowed to the warrant officer. "Thank you for saving my life."

"It was my duty." The warrant officer pointed at a door. "Let's go meet the rest of the crew." He led the girl and the sexaroids through the door, to the Combat Information Center (CIC). Johnny marched towards Abe and saluted.

"At ease." The black man examined Nadeshiko. "So this little girl is the pilot of the big bad ULTRA Zero."

The girl saluted. "Yes, Sir. Second Lieutenant Yamato Nadeshiko, reporting for duty."

"At ease." Abe turned to Linda. "They're getting younger and younger."

"Such a cute little girl!" Linda embraced Nadeshiko, pressing the girl's face against her large breasts.

"Oomph!" Then Nadeshiko was released from Linda's embrace.

"Now the ground rules," Abe said. "You may outrank Mister Tsurugi, but a few years of college don't make you a good leader."

"But I'm still a middle school student," the girl admitted.

Abe frowned. "Whatever; Mister Tsurugi has more combat experience, so he'll be in charge of the missions, after Colonel Love and I."

"Yes, Sir." Then Nadeshiko saw another door open. "Father!" She bowed.

"Cut!" The director stepped in front of the cameras. "What the hell are you doing here, General Yamato? You're not in this scene."

"As the hero's," Isamu glanced at his son-turned-daughter, "heroine's father, I am vital to the development of her character."

"But not now. Get out of the CIC," the director ordered.

Isamu drew a GLOCK 17 semiautomatic pistol and aimed it at the director. "I am vital..." A boot flashed in front of Isamu, kicking the pistol out of his hands; then he felt a knifepoint at the base of his skull, ready to sever his spinal cord. "Gasp!"

"Father!" Nadeshiko put her hands together, as if she was praying, and turned to the man with the knife. "Please don't hurt my father, Mister Tsurugi!"

Isamu frowned at his son-turned-daughter. "You beg for mercy in this situation, when a filial child is supposed to fight for her father's sake? You are useless."

Nadeshiko began to cry. "Father..."

"Put him in the locker room," Abe ordered. "That'll keep him out of trouble."

"Hands where I can see them," Johnny used the knife to make Isamu comply, "now." He pushed the other man through the door, to a locker room between the CIC and the bomb bays; then he opened a locker. "Get in."

"How dare you? I am a general!" Isamu was pushed into the locker; then the door was slammed in his face.

"You're not in my chain of command," Johnny stated as he exited the room.

*
Nadeshiko released her father 20 minutes later. "I'm sorry I wasn't able to help you earlier, but the director ordered me to complete the scene." Isamu's right hand flashed in front of her. "Ite!" The girl's left cheek stun from the slap.

Sugar drew Sakai Saburo and pointed the sword at Isamu's heart. "You will apologize for hurting my mistress," the silver-haired sexaroid demanded.

"Please don't hurt my father, Miss Sugar!"

The silver-haired sexaroid turned to her mistress. "He must apologize for hurting you."

Nadeshiko turned to her father, and then Sugar. The girl's mouth opened; she tried and failed to think of something to say, and closed her mouth.

"I... am sorry." It was almost painful for Isamu to say those words, but the silver-haired sexaroid sheathed her sword. The man glared at his daughter. 'Useless girl.' He stomped out of the locker room.

Nadeshiko sat on a bench and put her hands over her face; tears flowed between her fingers. "I don't know what to do!"

"Take off your clothes," Sugar ordered.

The girl looked up to see the silver-haired sexaroid strip down to her underwear. "Ehhhh?!"

"You are suffering from high levels of stress. I will have sex with you to relieve your stress. Take off your clothes."

"But..." Nadeshiko felt Sugar's lips upon her own; as the silver-haired sexaroid's tongue caressed the girl's, Nadeshiko noted that Sugar's synthetic saliva tasted like mouthwash. "Gasp!" She felt gentle fingers unzip her flight suit. "Sugar, wait, I'm not..." The fingers reached under her brassiere. "Kyaaaa!"

Hidden cameras and microphones were recording this unscripted scene. "We must include this in the next episode!" the director exclaimed as the silver-haired sexaroid's lips crept down the girl's neck.

"Yes, Mister Director!"

*
Balthild entered the break room to see a Nadeshiko nervously raise a cup of green tea to her lips. "Are you well?"

The cup fell onto the floor, spilling the tea. "Kyaaaa!"

The dhampire slowly raised her hands. "Do not be afraid. I will not hurt you."

"I'm sorry, Princess, I..." The girl began to cry. "I don't know what to do!"

Balthild sat down beside Nadeshiko. "What is ailing you?"

"Father... he slapped me... said I was useless. Sugar... she made Father apologize... made Father angry... then she tried to have sex with me."

"Did you enjoy it?"

"No!" The girl's face was cherry-red. "I pushed her away and said I wasn't ready."

"Sugar's character biography states that she is programmed to serve and protect you at all costs; she is ready to die for you. You should not refuse the love of one so loyal."

"Miss Sugar... loves me?"

"She will love you if you order her to do so," Balthild stated.

"But that's not real love!" Nadeshiko protested.

"Who on Earth is able to define what love is? It is a mystery that countless poets have spent countless years trying to solve, to no avail. If you need love, why not accept the love of a sexaroid?"

The girl's head bowed in shame. "I should apologize to Miss Sugar for... pushing her away."

The dhampire smiled. "Excellent. You and Sugar will be welcome additions to my harem."

"Ehhhh?!"

*
Nadeshiko reluctantly opened the dojo door to see Sugar spar with Aizhan. "Miss Sugar."

The silver-haired sexaroid lowered her shinai and bowed to the tsundere girl. "Please wait for a moment; my mistress needs me."

Aizhan lowered her shinai. "Fine."

Sugar turned around and approached Nadeshiko. "How may I serve you, Mistress Nadeshiko?"

The 14-year-old bowed. "I'm sorry I pushed you away."

Sugar returned the bow. "It was my miscalculation which provoked that reaction; I should be the one who apologizes to you."

The 14-year-old continued to bow. "No, you were only trying to help."

Sugar put her hands on Nadeshiko's shoulders and pushed her upright. "I am programmed to help you in any way possible. Please allow me to do so."

"Yes, you can help me, but..." The 14-year-old blushed. "You don't have to... be intimate... with me."

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

Nadeshiko turned to see Aizhan shake with laughter. "Miss Aizhan..."

"Sugar's idea on how to relieve your stress... Ha! It's too funny!" the tsundere girl exclaimed.

The 14-year-old's face was cherry-red. "You know?!"

"I requested Feldwebel Skorzeny's assistance in evaluating my performance, and advice on how to improve it," Sugar stated, referring to Aizhan's rank in the German Army.

Nadeshiko turned to Sugar. "You..."

"I also requested the maintenance crew's assistance and advice," the silver-haired sexaroid reported.

The 14-year-old's face seemed to glow like a brake light. "You told everyone about..."

"I only requested the female cast members' assistance and advice. Should I request the male...?" Sugar watched Nadeshiko fall backwards, and stepped forward to catch her fainting mistress.

***
Steve entered the pistol range to see Johnny, Linda, and Beherit firing at targets. "Yo, Johnny."

The warrant officer holstered his pistols-- what the GLOCK representative called the 'GLOCK 20SOCOM', distinguishing them from unaltered weapons-- and turned to the military advisor. "Yes, Steve?"

"Is it true they're putting in a lesbian sex scene?"

"I was unaware that the scriptwriter intended to include a lesbian sex scene," Johnny stated.

"Well, I overheard the maintenance crew talking about something between Miss Yamato and her sexaroid."

The warrant officer shrugged. "For me, 'don't ask, don't tell,'" of a US military service members' sexual orientation, "means 'don't give a damn.'"

"You really don't care if you're in a foxhole with a guy who wants to fuck you in the ass?"

"If he tries to fuck with me, I'll feed him a bullet."

"So you're not going to do that... ya-bunch-of-vowels thing?" The military advisor referred to yaoi, sexually explicit relationships between male characters.

"No. In fact, I invited Anna-- Police Sergeant Anna Mason-- to lunch."

"You're gonna paint her pipes?" Steve winked at Johnny. "Good job."

*
"What are your hobbies?" Anna asked.

Johnny swallowed a mouthful of cheeseburger. "Hiking, hunting, piano playing."

"You play the piano?"

"According to my character bio, my mother was a piano teacher."

"When can I meet her?"

"She doesn't appear in 'Frozen Ragnarök', although she may appear in the sequel; she isn't born yet," the warrant officer stated.

"That's strange; a mother who will be born after her son."

The warrant officer took another bite, and washed it down with some Whoopass Cola. "I'm a Toon; I must follow the script."

"The way we humans must follow fate?"

"I'm surprised you believe in fate."

"Why?"

"You seem very strong-willed; such people usually try to make their own fate."

The policewoman put her hand over her heart. "My strength is in God's hands, which forged me to be His sword, and which wield me in battle against evil."

Johnny looked into his date's eyes. "None of the bad guys have your determination. You're an interesting person, Anna."

The policewoman smiled. "Thank you."

*
Steve was surprised to see the F-150 PHEV drive up to the hangar. "You're on time."

"Yes," Johnny stated as he exited the truck.

"Why didn't you extend your lunch break and go paint that cop's pipes?"

"It wouldn't be fair to delay filming for my own pleasure." The warrant officer marched into the hangar, followed by the military advisor.

"You got to have some fun, or potential recruits will think Army life's no fun, and won't enlist."

"I will." Johnny watched the maintenance crew mount AIM-120 Advanced Medium-Range Air-to-Air Missiles (AMRAAMs) into weapons bays on ULTRA One's hips-- in attack mode, the missile launchers laid flush upon the Carnotaurus' belly-- and behind ULTRA Zero's shoulders. "Is ULTRA One ready?"

"Yes, Sir," Lara answered.

Johnny jumped into the cockpit, where Spice waited. "Let's get to work."

***
To be continued...

Author's notes are below.

***
Beherit's armorer's mistake was one I witnessed in basic training, made by a trainee who was assigned to load magazines at the rifle range.

Mr. Mui's 'Anime Detective' stories inspired my 'Dark Mirrors' stories, where Anna made her first appearance. He also created the idea for "licenses to run rampant." In his own words, "A License to Run Rampant actually defines the limits of where and when a character can cause major amounts of damage and havoc. If you're going to have destruction, it might as well be in a determined area, right? The insurance companies thank the relevant gods that this license was created."

Sidewinder · Post by **Sidewinder** » 2010-10-10 02:59am

Balthild, transformed into an 18-meter-long dragon, flew over the valley. Below her, the M2E2 machine gun of two Type 90 MBTs elevated to shoot her. The magically enlarged scythe's blade separated; Balthild swung the weapon, sending two wave of psychokinetic energy towards the Type 90s; the energies opened the MBT turrets like sardine cans, detonated the onboard ammunition, and transformed the Type 90s into fireballs. The dragon's head turned. "Shrieeeek!" She writhed in midair, dodging the incoming wave of psychokinetic energy.

ULTRA Zero dived towards Balthild, its Psycho Sword reaching for the dragon's heart. "Yaaaa!" Nadeshiko screamed as beams of psychokinetic energy scorched the pink robot's armor. Balthild released her scythe, which hovered beside her; this freed her talons to close upon the blade and stop it from piercing her heart. The energy conducted through the sword scorched the dragon's scales as ULTRA Zero's weight pushed Balthild towards the ground.

"Shrieeeek!" The dragon writhed away from the Psycho Sword; her wings flapped to lift her away from the pink robot. ULTRA Zero's turborockets fired to arrest its descent; then Balthild launched a pyrokinetic attack, the fireball slamming the pink robot against the ground.

BAAL and ULTRA One circled each other, firing 120mm depleted uranium (DU) penetrators and 155mm shells; the demon's shoulder and hip-mounted Maser Maces projected microwave energy to detonate the M982s in midair, while the tiger-striped robot turned sideways to dodge the shots from the unbalanced weapon. "Roarrrr!" BAAL slashed.

ULTRA One drew its chainknife and blocked the attack; the cutting chain pulled the Devil Sword, and the demon wielding it, closer to the tiger-striped robot. Johnny fired the left howitzer at point-blank range; the shell struck BAAL's head, making the demon somersault backwards. Johnny fired two more times, but the Maser Maces defended BAAL from the shots. "Fine." ULTRA One rocketed towards BAAL, the chainknife reaching for the demon's neck.

Four F-22 Raptor fighters escorted Peacekeeper One over the battlefield. In the CIC, Abe and Linda watched a holographic BAAL slash at a holographic ULTRA One's extended arm, which retracted to dodge the blow. The tiger-striped robot kicked at the demon's wrist, trying to knock the Devil Sword out the enemy's hands, only to retract its leg and dodge another slash. "Maybe we should have Johnny practice kendo," the way of the sword, "and get ULTRA One a Psycho Sword," the black man commented.

"Go, Johnny, go!" the redhead cheered. Then an alarm warned them that a weapons system was targeting Peacekeeper One. The holographic display showed two Type 99 air-to-air missiles (AAMs) race towards the airborne command post; it displayed the words "LASER LANCE FIRING" as the weapons shot down the missiles.

"That's not in the script," Abe noted as a holographic F-22J, a license-built Raptor in JSSDF service, appeared behind the holographic Peacekeeper One.

Two Raptors turned to engage the F-22J. "It's a friendly," one Raptor pilot radioed. "It's not acting very friendly," the second pilot replied.

"I will avenge the dishonor you brought upon me, black man! Die, die, die!"

Abe recognized the voice. "General Yamato?"

Isamu, the F-22J pilot, pushed the throttle; the fighter accelerated towards the airborne command post. Isamu armed the M61A2 and fired a burst; yellow gridlines appeared on Peacekeeper One's wing as its structural integrity field resisted the blows.

ULTRA One transformed. "The Red Legions use MiG-29Ks, right?" Johnny radioed as the tiger-striped robot rocketed towards the F-22J.

"That is correct," Beherit answered. "I do not know who is piloting that fighter."

An alarm warned Isamu that a weapons system was targeting his F-22J; his head turned to see ULTRA One in the six o'clock position. "Tsurugi!" He performed an Immelmann; the fighter climbed, did half a loop, and then half a roll to fly in the opposite direction. "You betray your noble ancestors by siding with the black man! I will punish this betrayal!" Isamu fired two AAMs; he watched Laser Lance turrets extend from the tiger-striped robot's chest, abdomen, upper and lower back to shoot down the incoming missiles. "Die, die, die!" He fired the M61A2; the tiger-striped robot rolled to dodge the shells.

"Father, noooo!" ULTRA Zero transformed and rocketed towards the F-22J. Nadeshiko watched ULTRA One draw its chainknife as it transformed, and sever the fighter's forward fuselage, including the cockpit; the rear fuselage flew towards the pink robot. "Kyaaaa!" The girl pushed the control stick; ULTRA Zero rolled out of the rear fuselage's path.

"Shriek!" Balthild flew away from the incoming rear fuselage, which crashed into the ground and transformed into a fireball.

ULTRA One carried the F-22J cockpit towards the hangar; Johnny watched Isamu draw a pistol and fire it in the tiger-striped robot's direction, the bullets embedding themselves in the cockpit canopy. "Cut," the warrant officer radioed.

"Cut," the director repeated.

***
BAD ANIME EPISODE 4: TOO HOT TO HANDLE

By Sidewinder (aim9snake@hotmail.com), 2007, last revised 2008.

***
Isamu, duct taped to a folding chair, tugged at his restraints. "How dare you show such disrespect towards a general?! I will kill you, Tsurugi!"

The director turned to the scriptwriter. "What are we going to do about General Yamato? He's too... impulsive... to be a good cast member."

"That scene where ULTRA One cuts the JSSDF fighter in half... can the computers replace it with BAAL?" the scriptwriter asked.

The director put his right fist in his left palm. "Yes! We'll replace the JSSDF fighter with a Red Legion fighter; then the audience will think Isamu acted to defend Peacekeeper One!"

"We'll have General Beherit capture General Yamato. Then Little Nadeshiko will attack the Red Legion base to rescue her father."

"But it'll be too late; General Beherit has tortured General Yamato to death."

"That'll make Little Nadeshiko more determined to stop the Red Legions."

"Brilliant!" the director and scriptwriter simultaneously exclaimed.

"I will kill you all!"

The director nervously turned to Isamu. "Call General Beherit."

"I will tear you to pieces, with my bare hands if necessary!"

"Now." The director watched the scriptwriter run out of the room.

*
BAAL caught the F-22J forward fuselage. "Retreat." The demon partially transformed, the left arm extended to cradle the forward fuselage.

ULTRA Zero's head turned to let Nadeshiko watch BAAL rocket away from the battlefield, followed by a squadron of Red Legion fighters. "Father! Noooo!"

ULTRA One severed a MiG-29K fighter's forward fuselage, including the cockpit; the rear fuselage flew towards the ground.

"Shriek!" 'Here we go again,' Balthild thought as she flew away from the incoming rear fuselage, which crashed and transformed into a fireball.

The tiger-striped robot carried the forward fuselage towards the airborne command post. "Command One, this is Death Angel," ULTRA One's call sign. "I've captured an EPW. Request permission to bring him in for interrogation."

"Death Angel, this is Command One. Permission granted," Abe replied.

*
ULTRA Zero cut a hole in the hangar roof to reveal Isamu, his jacket and shirt removed to reveal the cuts and burns on his body, in the chair.

"Father!" Nadeshiko opened the hatch.

"Mistress Nadeshiko, please wait..." Sugar watched her mistress jump onto the ground and run towards Isamu.

Nadeshiko drew a katana and cut away the duct tape; Isamu fell onto the floor, his blood painting it red. "Father, I'm here to rescue you. Father?" The girl cradled the JSSDF officer's head and checked his pulse. "Father, noooo!" She looked towards heaven; tears flowed down her cheeks.

"Cut!" The director stepped in front of the cameras. "Good job, Little Nadeshiko."

***
"What's wrong, Lieutenant Yamato?"

Nadeshiko looked up from her hamburger, which remained in its wrapper. "Mister Tsurugi?"

"You seem upset," Johnny noted.

The girl glanced at the man sitting beside Johnny-- Beherit. "How can you be so calm when your archenemy is sitting beside you?"

"I have nothing personal against General Beherit. Besides, we're not in front of the camera right now," the warrant officer stated.

"And if he tortured your father to death?"

"I'll seek an opportunity to avenge my father, but I must put the mission first. Expressing anger is like using a nuclear weapon; you must be careful, or you'll end up harming your allies or yourself."

"Wise counsel." The Red Legion leader turned to the girl. "I had nothing personal against General Yamato. I tortured him to death on the director and the scriptwriter's orders; if you bear a grudge, it should be against them."

"But..." Nadeshiko felt a weight upon her breasts. "Ehhhh?!"

Sugar, putting her head against the girl's heart, listened to Nadeshiko's heartbeat. "Your heart rate is elevated, a sign of stress. Would you like to relieve the stress by having sex with me?"

"No!"

"You make a cute couple," Beherit commented before he put a French fry in his mouth.

***
"You can fall in love with General Black."

"According to his character bio, General Black is married and has two children; I refuse to break up his family."

"How about Mister Tsurugi?"

"That's fraternizing. Besides, Johnny's dating the policewoman who interrogated him after he blew up that tentacle monster; I don't fall for subs," submissive people.

"Mister Tsurugi's never been aboard a submarine."

Steve entered the studio to see the scriptwriter and Linda talking to each other. "What's up?"

"Sergeant Zwolak!" Linda embraced the military advisor. "Help me out; I'm trying to get a bigger role in 'Frozen Ragnarök', instead of just being a cheerleader for Johnny and Nadeshiko."

'Her skin feels like rubber,' Steve thought, his face pressed against the Toon's neck. "Sure. What do you wanna do?"

"Something that'll get me more time onscreen, like..." Linda's head bowed in thought.

"How about the classic 'hot springs' scene? You can open up to Miss Yamato there."

"That's a great idea!" Linda embraced Steve again.

'I can get used to this,' the military advisor thought.

*
"Hot springs?" The words surprised the other cast members.

"Yeah! It'll be a great time to open up to each other and develop our characters!" Linda declared.

Balthild examined the maintenance crew. "It will be an excellent opportunity to recruit more beautiful people into my harem." She turned to Beherit's archenemy. "If you let your hair grow down past your shoulders, you will become a welcome addition to my harem, Sir Johnny."

"I'll pass," the warrant officer deadpanned.

*
"I'm not a damn pervert," Johnny declared.

"But you're a man at a hot springs! You must sneak up to peek at the women's side!" the scriptwriter argued.

Johnny put his right hand on his waterproof holster. "One more word and I'll feed you a bullet." The warrant officer watched the scriptwriter slowly raise his hands and back away.

On the women's side, Aizhan, her M25 in a waterproof bag slung across her back, was backstroking in the hot water; the visual effects crew used steam to hide her candy apple-red nipples from the camera.

Nadeshiko was talking to Linda. "Father never said he loved me... never said he was proud of me... all he did was give me orders..." Tears flowed down the girl's cheeks. "Now he's dead, and I don't know what to do!"

Linda embraced Nadeshiko. "There, there. Let it all out."

"Sob. Thank you, Colonel Love."

"Call me Linda now. We're not on duty."

"Sniff. Yes, Miss Linda."

The redhead leaned back into the water. "You know, I never got to see my father very often when he was alive. He never seemed to find the time to talk to me; I got the impression that he wanted a son instead of a daughter. When I joined the Army, I hoped that he'd say he approved of me, but then he was KIA," killed in action, "and all I have left are dreams of the time we didn't spend together."

"I'm sorry."

Linda turned to Nadeshiko. "Don't apologize for something that's not your fault."

"I'm sorry."

"Ha ha ha!" The redhead patted the girl's head. "You're so cute."

Johnny's cybernetic implants included a gunshot localization system to let him hunt down enemy snipers, even one using a sound suppressor; this let him overhear the conversation. 'What the hell was the point of coming to a hot springs?'

"Good evening. May I join you?"

'Miss Merovingian?'

"Sure," Linda replied.

"You are very beautiful women," the dhampire complimented. Her psychic power, to 'glamour' others, prevented them from seeing her wings.

"Thank you," Linda and Nadeshiko simultaneously said.

"I feel great pleasure in your company."

"You're too kind," the redhead added.

"Have you ever made love to another woman?" Balthild asked.

"Ehhhh?!"

Steve whispered, "Hold it. Can she say that?" The ULTRA pilots were the only cast members to hear this.

"Well, I played with some girls when I was a teenager, but I was never that emotionally attached to anyone," Linda admitted.

"A pity. It is a pleasure to experience love in all of its forms," the dhampire stated.

Linda smirked at Balthild. "How much did you play around?"

"Considerably. I am bisexual, and I appreciate the differences between making love to a man, making love to a woman, and making love to both genders at once."

"Cut, cut, cut!" the military advisor added. "I need to clear this with the brass," military officers and officials, "and other sponsors before it goes on air."

'I'm done.' Johnny stepped out of the hot spring, wrapped a towel around his waist, and marched into the changing room.

***
"How were the hot springs?" Beherit asked.

"A waste of time," Johnny answered.

"You did not have an opportunity to peek at the women?"

"I'm not a damn pervert." The warrant officer parked the F-150 PHEV and exited the truck, followed by his archenemy.

In the hangar, the maintenance crew was talking about how relaxing the hot springs were. "Group, attention!" Lara turned around and saluted Johnny.

"As you were." The warrant officer approached the tiger-striped robot. "What's ULTRA One's status?"

"Full fuel tanks, full complement of Excalibur, full complement of 30mm HEI and API," high-explosive incendiary and armor-piercing incendiary, "full complement of Agile; she's ready to go."

Beherit glared at BAAL's maintenance crew. "Is my mount fully fueled?"

"Yes, Master," a Middle Eastern man answered.

"Are the 120-millimeter shells loaded correctly, not backwards?"

"Yes, Master."

"Are the 30 millimeter shells loaded correctly, not backwards?"

"Yes, Master." The armorer, knowing the punishment he'd receive if he made another mistake, pressed a button; hydraulic jacks lifted the demon mask upwards to reveal BAAL's head-mounted GSh-30-2 twin-barrel cannon.

The Red Legion leader confirmed that the 30mm HEI and armor-piercing tracer shells pointed in the correct direction. "Let us begin filming."

*
The ULTRAs led three C-17 Globemaster III transport planes over a jungle. "Target in sight," Johnny radioed as a Red Legion base and its adjacent laboratory, the surrounding trees cut down to deny attacking forces cover and concealment, appeared in front of them. The ULTRAs attacked at the surface-to-air missile (SAM) batteries and antiaircraft guns defending the base, destroying the enemy weapons systems.

Two C-17s lowered their ramps to drop a Thunderbolt Mobile Gun System (MGS) and three BMD-4 airborne combat vehicles; parachutes and retrorockets slowed the armored vehicles' descent. Once the BMD-4s and the MGS were clear, Aizhan jumped out of the third C-17, followed by Linda, the armored vehicles' crews, and 18 Fallschirmjäger, German paratroopers. The Fallschirmjäger transformed into werewolves as they fell towards the ground; they opened their parachutes at low altitude so the defenders had less time to react. The BMD-4s and the MGS landed; the crews detached the parachutes and retrorockets, boarded the armored vehicles, and drove towards a base to support the werewolves.

The base defenders assumed fighting positions. "For General Grand Duke Beherit!" "For the Red Legions!" they shouted as they fired rocket-propelled grenades (RPGs) at the werewolves leading the attack.

Aizhan slashed, the chainsword cutting off an RPG detonator; the rocket buried itself in the ground behind her. The other werewolves jumped or dived out of the RPGs' paths, letting the armored vehicles' TROPHY active protection systems shoot down the incoming rockets.

Linda, sitting in the MGS turret, watched the werewolves attack the Red Legion soldiers. "I want prisoners," she radioed. Two werewolves pounced on a Red Legion soldier, grabbed his AK-74M assault rifle and broke it in half, and carried him to a BMD-4, where military intelligence officers bound his arms and legs.

A Red Legion soldier marched out of the lab; his exoskeleton gave him the strength to carry a GSh-30-1 automatic cannon, which weighed 46 kilograms. "Yaaaa!" The gunpowder in the 30x 164mm casings ignited at a rate of 1500 rounds per minute, propelling HEI and armor-piercing tracer shells through the armor protecting a BMD-4 engine, immobilizing the combat vehicle.

Aizhan appeared in front of the Red Legion soldier, and slashed.

The Red Legion soldier raised his left hand to catch the chainsword; sparks shot out from his armored palms. "I'm stronger..." He felt the werewolf's jaws close upon his throat. "Gurgle!"

Aizhan threw the dead Red Legion soldier through the lab doors; blood flowed down her jaws. "Ah-wooooo!" Then her radio buzzed.

"All units, fall back!" Johnny warned as the Laser Lances made a KAB-1500L glide bomb explode in midair; the fireball shielded a second bomb from ULTRA One's sensors.

The second bomb hit the lab, blowing Aizhan off her feet; the werewolf flew backwards 20 meters before slamming into a BMD-4. "Grrrr." She looked up to see the claymore transform into the demon, draw the Devil Sword, and point the weapon at her.

"Roarrrr!" The Carnotaurus fired two 155mm shells at BAAL, which turned around and used the sword to block the shots. ULTRA One rolled to dodge the incoming 120mm DU penetrators, drew its chainknife as it transformed, and lunged.

The demon slashed at the tiger-striped robot's arm, which retracted to dodge the blow. "Burn in hell!" Beherit's pyrokinetic powers formed a wall of fire between BAAL and ULTRA One; the wall moved towards the tiger-striped robot, which somersaulted backwards to dodge the pyrokinetic attack. The demon lunged through the wall of fire, the Devil Sword reaching for ULTRA One's cockpit.

"Yaaaa!" ULTRA Zero slashed, projecting a wave of psychokinetic energy towards BAAL. A wall of fire appeared between the demon and the pink robot; the energies annihilated each other, scorching the ground. "I will avenge my father!" Nadeshiko cried as ULTRA Zero lunged.

The Devil Sword blocked the pink robot's thrust. "Weakling." BAAL grabbed ULTRA Zero's right wrist and slammed its opponent against the ground. The demon aimed the 120mm cannon at the pink robot, before turning to block two incoming shells.

Linda watched ULTRA One and BAAL engage in close quarters combat (CQC). "Abort, abort, abort," she radioed. The crew of the immobilized BMD-4 evacuated the combat vehicle and boarded a second BMD-4, followed by nine werewolves, two of whom climbed onto the roof. Aizhan climbed onto the first BMD-4 roof, covering the nine werewolves who boarded the combat vehicle. The MGS led the BMD-4s away from the Red Legion base, towards an airfield where the C-17s could evacuate them.

"Shrieeeek!" Balthild dived towards the Thunderbolt.

"Ah-wooooo!" Aizhan jumped into the air, her chainsword reaching for the dragon's neck. Balthild slashed; the werewolf somersaulted in midair, her chainsword cutting through the wave of psychokinetic energy.

The dragon's attack gorged the ground in front of the BMD-4s, which slowed down as they drove around the gorge. "Jesus Christ!" a driver exclaimed.

Balthild's wings flapped, lifting her beyond Aizhan's reach. The werewolf landed on the ground and fired her M25 at the dragon, who spun the scythe to block the incoming grenades. 'Maybe I should hire her to guard my harem?' Balthild thought. The dragon heard turborocket engines roar, and turned to see the ULTRAs race away from the now burning Red Legion base. "Shriek!" Balthild's wings flapped, carrying her away from the battlefield.

"Cut!" the director ordered. "Good job, everyone."

***
To be continued...

Author's notes are below.

***
ULTRA One's original call sign was "Dragon," which I changed to avoid confusion with Balthild's dragon form.

The EPF vehicles from the last scene were originally a M6 Linebacker air defense vehicle and three M2 Bradley infantry fighting vehicles, which were really too heavy to be airdropped. Then I made them M1128 Mobile Gun System and M1126 Infantry Carrier Vehicle variants of the Stryker, which were designed to be airdropped, but whose thin armor made them mobile coffins for American soldiers. My final choices are a variant of the M8 Armored Gun System developed for the US Army's 82nd Airborne Division, and an infantry fighting vehicle designed for Russian Airborne Forces.

Sidewinder · Post by **Sidewinder** » 2010-10-10 03:08am

The scriptwriter stared at the wall of monitors, which displayed scenes that were being edited to form an episode; onscreen, BAAL and Balthild stood guard as Mil Mi-35 Hind attack helicopters evacuated the surviving Red Legion soldiers from the burning base. "We need a 'summer festival' scene."

"Why?" the director asked.

"Too many battle scenes will numb the audience to the drama. We need something light-hearted so the audience can relax with the cast."

"Every other anime series has a 'summer festival' scene. We need something fresh, or the audience will be bored."

The scriptwriter put his right fist in his left palm. "I know! We'll have a dream sequence set in medieval Europe! That will seem fresh after all the scenes set in 20XX!"

"Why not Japan during the Heian and Edo periods?"

"Lots of anime series are set in the Heian and Edo periods. Medieval Europe will seem exotic to the audience-- the Japanese audience," the scriptwriter noted.

The director put his hand under his chin. "Sounds good. Let's get to work."

***
BAD ANIME EPISODE 5: GET MEDIEVAL

By Sidewinder (aim9snake@hotmail.com), 2007, last revised 2009.

***
Sugar marched beside Nadeshiko as the girl entered a clothing store.

"You don't have to follow me, Miss Sugar," Nadeshiko said.

"I am programmed to protect you. Please allow me to accompany you as your bodyguard, Mistress Nadeshiko."

Nadeshiko's head bowed in resignation. "Okay." She turned to the mannequins on display. "That looks pretty." The girl grabbed a blouse and a skirt matching those worn by a mannequin, and walked to the changing room.

Sugar knocked on the door to Nadeshiko's stall. "Mistress Nadeshiko, I have received a transmission from Command. We must evacuate to..." The silver-haired sexaroid turned around and drew her sword; her left forearm split open to reveal a rack loaded with shuriken, star-shaped throwing blades, in a hidden compartment in her forearm.

A man aimed an AK-74M at Sugar as the rack extended so the silver-haired sexaroid's fingers could reach a shuriken. "For the..." His throat was cut. "Gurgle!" The man instinctively squeezed the trigger, sending three bullets into the doorframe.

"Kyaaaa!"

Sugar lunged; Sakai Saburo cut the rifle in half, and then into the man's chest. The silver-haired sexaroid removed the shuriken from the dead man. "Mistress Nadeshiko, are you injured?"

Five seconds passed before the girl asked, "What happened?"

"An unidentified man attempted to assassinate you. We must evacuate to a safe location."

Nadeshiko cautiously opened the door. "Okay."

Sugar led her mistress to the parking lot, where her Fusion Hybrid waited. "Please wait here while I check the car for..." A bomb, hidden in the sedan chassis, exploded and blew the silver-haired sexaroid and the girl off their feet.

"Kyaaaa!" Nadeshiko flew backwards 10 meters before slamming into a wall.

Sugar sat up, turned her head, and then marched towards the unconscious girl. "Mistress Nadeshiko? Mistress...?"

*
"... Dianthus? Lady Dianthus?"

"Kyaaaa!" The girl sat up. "What...?" She looked down to see herself wearing a blue houppelande, a long gown with trailing sleeves and a high collar; she couldn't see the pink ribbon that braided her hair around her head. "How...?" Her head turned to examine the inside of the carriage, which shook as four horses pull it. "Where am I?"

"You are in a carriage on the way to Schwarzwald Castle. Are you well, Lady Dianthus?"

Nadeshiko turned to the speaker. "Miss Sugar?"

"My name is Zucchero," the Italian translation of the silver-haired sexaroid's name.

"I'm sorry."

"There is no need to apologize, Lady Dianthus. I am only your maidservant."

Nadeshiko noted that Sugar-turned-Zucchero referred to her by the English translation of her name. "What happened?"

"You laid your head upon my lap and fell asleep," the sexaroid answered. A red ribbon braided her silver hair around her head, and she wore a white apron over a black gown and a white kirtle.

The girl blushed. "I'm sorry."

"There is no need to apologize, Lady Dianthus. You were tired." Zucchero looked out the window. "We are now in the domain of the Duke of Schwarzwald."

Shadows enveloped the carriage; Nadeshiko-turned-Dianthus looked out the window to see pine trees that gave the Schwarzwald, Black Forest, its name. The girl sensed... something... and turned to see the silver-haired sexaroid stand up and buckle a scimitar to her left hip.

"Please remain in the carriage as I investigate." Zucchero opened the moving carriage door, put her hands on the roof, pulled herself onto the roof, and then closed the door. The sexaroid marched up to the coachman, who turned to her. "Be on guard. I believe I saw..." A crossbow bolt shot towards the coachman; Zucchero drew the scimitar and cut the bolt in half, saving the coachman's life. "Bandits."

Bolts hit the four knights escorting the carriage, piercing their breastplates; the knights slumped in their saddles as the horses wheeled away from the carriage. Eight Red Legion soldiers, now wearing medieval European clothing, charged out of the forest; four were armed with spears, four were armed with crossbows, and all weapons were aimed at Zucchero and the coachman. "Halt, or we'll..." The sexaroid jumped off the carriage and slashed, cutting the bandit leader's crossbow in half. "Ahhhh!" The bandit fell, cut from his left shoulder to his groin.

"Boss!" "Bitch!" The crossbowmen shot at Zucchero, who spun her scimitar to cut the incoming bolts in half. The spearmen lunged at the sexaroid as the archers frantically pulled on the bowstrings. Zucchero slashed, severing the spearheads; then she jumped over the spearmen's heads to attack the archers. "Argh!" "Get away... Ahhhh!" "Gurgle!" "God save me!" Three crossbowmen laid on the road, their blood painting it red; the fourth crossbowman dropped his weapon and ran into the forest.

The spearmen dropped their useless spears and drew the swords and daggers at their waists. "Kill the bitch!" "No, get the... Ahhhh!"

Dianthus leaned out the window. "Miss Zucchero!" Three bandits ran towards the carriage; one grabbed her hair and held a knife against her throat. "Kyaaaa!"

"Get back, or I'll..." An arrow entered the bandit's left temple and exited through the right; the man dropped his knife, fell onto the road, and breathed his last breath.

"Kyaaaa!" Dianthus recoiled from the dead man and ducked, trying to hide in the carriage.

Zucchero and the bandits turned to see a knight, a skeleton painted on his black armor and a death's-head forming the visor of his white helmet, ride a black horse out of the forest. The horse armor also had a skeleton painted on it; to Dianthus, the knight and his horse resembled animated X-rays. Two arming swords, a knight's single-handed swords, were buckled to the saddle.

The skeleton knight bore an out-of-place Mongol composite bow. The bowstring was already drawn-- with the thumb, an out-of-place technique-- the arrow pointed at one of two surviving bandits. "Drop your weapons, now."

One bandit, seeing that the weapon wasn't aimed at him, lunged. "Yaaaa!"

The skeleton knight turned and released the bowstring; the arrow entered the bandit's right eye and exited through the back of his head, killing him. The string was drawn again, and an arrow ready to fly, before the dead bandit was on his back. "Do you wish to join your comrade?" He watched the surviving bandit drop his daggers.

Two more knights rode out of the forest, followed by 24 men-at-arms on horseback, eight hounds, and four huntsmen. One of the men-at-arms tugged on a rope that bound the hands of the crossbowman who fled from Zucchero; a second man-at-arms aimed his lance at the bandit's back, ready to punish any attempts to flee. "Is that what interrupted the hunt, Your Highness?" asked a knight in black armor; his coat of arms was a stag and a doe supporting a white shield marked with a black Iron Cross.

One of the men-at-arms was a woman. "Zucchero!" Spice-- renamed Spezia, the Italian translation of her name, for this episode-- rode up to her sister, dismounted, and embraced Zucchero. The silver-haired sexaroid's right arm encircled her sister's body to sheathe her scimitar; then she returned the embrace. Spezia then released her sister, turned around, and bowed to the skeleton knight. "Your Highness, may I introduce my sister, Zucchero."

The skeleton knight didn't turn away from the bandit. "A pleasure, Lady Zucchero."

The silver-haired sexaroid turned to the carriage. "Are you injured, Lady Dianthus?"

The girl took deep breaths to calm herself. "I'm f-f-fine, M-Miss Zucchero."

Zucchero turned to the knights and curtsied. "Thank you for coming to our aid, Milords."

"And Lady." The third knight, wearing silver armor, raised her visor to reveal Linda's face. Her coat of arms was two doves supporting a white shield marked with three red hearts.

"Thank you, Milady. I am Zucchero Sexaroid, maidservant to Lady Dianthus Giappone, Duchess of Florentia."

"The girl in the carriage?" the skeleton knight asked as two huntsmen moved in front of him and bound the bandit's hands.

"Yes, Milord. We were accompanied by four knights, who were struck by crossbow bolts; their horses carried them away from the carriage," Zucchero stated.

The skeleton knight raised his visor to reveal Johnny's face; he turned to the men-at-arms. "Falkenhorst, Sheppard, search the road for the missing knights; see if they need a priest," who often had medical training.

"Yes, Milord." The two men-at-arms rode past the carriage, down the road.

The black knight raised his visor to reveal Abe's face, rode towards the carriage, and bowed to Dianthus. "I apologize for the banditry you suffered on my domain, Lady Dianthus. I am Abraham, Duke of Schwarzwald. With me are His Royal Highness the Prince Eduard, Prince of Mercia, Duke of Cornovii, Count of Deva; and Lady Linda, the Marquise of Heart."

Nadeshiko knew 'Edward' was Johnny's father's name. 'Mister Johnny's a prince?'

Zucchero curtsied again. "I am most grateful for your aid, Milords and Lady."

The men-at-arms, leading the Florentine knights' horses, returned to their master. "Your Highness, two of the foreign knights are dead, two are wounded."

Johnny-turned-Eduard faced Zucchero. "With your permission, Lady Zucchero, we will put the wounded men in the carriage and transport them back to Duke Abraham's castle."

The silver-haired sexaroid turned to the carriage. "Lady Dianthus?"

"Okay."

Zucchero turned to the knights. "You may put the wounded knights in the carriage." She watched the men-at-arms remove the Florentine knights' armor, remove the bolts and bandage the wounds, and put the Florentine knights in the carriage.

***
Abe and Johnny removed their armor. "You like getting medieval?" the black man asked as he put on a red doublet embroidered with silver crosses, and a blue and white checkered hose.

"Nothing special," the warrant officer-turned-prince commented as he put on a black doublet embroidered with golden fleurs-de-lis, and a black hose.

"Are you kidding?! Your role is based on Edward the Black Prince! You're the Crown Prince of England and hero of the Hundred Years' War! You can order me around; you can have me surround you with German women, hot females who can't wait to throw themselves upon a war hero's sword!" he pointed at 'Eduard's' groin. "Admit it, you like being royalty!"

"I know about the court intrigues, the coups, the men who killed their brothers and their brothers' children to claim the throne; being royalty is more trouble than it's worth," Eduard said as he buckled his arming swords to his hips.

"Is that how you feel?" Abe buckled an arming sword to his left hip.

A 40-year-old Filipina, wearing a red houppelande, greeted the prince and the black man as they exited the changing room. "Are you ready to meet the guests, Dearest Husband?"

Abe's left arm encircled the Filipina's right. "Yes, Dearest Wife." The couple marched to the set of Schwarzwald Castle's grand hall, followed by Eduard; cameras focused on them.

"Presenting His Royal Highness the Prince Eduard, Prince of Mercia, Duke of Cornovii, Count of Deva; Lord Abraham, Duke of Schwarzwald; and Lady Maria, Duchess of Schwarzwald," Spezia announced. A blue ribbon braided her hair around her head, but her uniform was otherwise identical to Zucchero's; two arming swords hung from her hips.

The male cast members bowed to the prince and the couple, while the female cast members curtsied.

'I can get used to this.' Abe raised his right arm. "We are here to honor the presence of His Royal Highness the Prince Eduard, scion of the House of Bródenmael," a Damascus steel sword-- 'sword' was the English translation of Johnny's surname, "heir to the throne of Albion." The black man turned to the prince.

"Let us celebrate the alliance between Albion and Schwarzwald," Eduard said.

Musicians began to play as the cast members danced the estampie, jumping up and stamping their feet to the cadence.

Dianthus, wearing a pink houppelande, walked up to Eduard and bowed; Zucchero, following her mistress, did the same. "Thank you for saving my life today, Your Highness," the girl said.

"It was my chivalric duty. May I ask if this is the first time you have traveled beyond the borders of Florentia?"

"I..."

"It is," the sexaroid answered.

"I advise you to defend yourself with at least 20 men-at-arms when traveling. The Throne of Swords is the only authority a bandit respects."

Dianthus was confused. "Throne of Swords?"

"A term for force of arms, after the throne commissioned by Wilhelm the Conqueror, my noble ancestor. He used the swords of defeated nobles to make the throne; it grows like a lion cub as Albion conquers new territory."

"Conquers... you mean wage wars of aggression? When will the wars...?"

"Will you please allow Lady Dianthus the pleasure of dancing with you?" Zucchero interrupted before her mistress could finish her question.

Dianthus' face was cherry-red as she turned to her maidservant. "Miss Zucchero!"

"Very well." Eduard took Dianthus' right hand, raised it to his lips, and kissed it; the girl's face seemed to glow like a lantern. Still holding Dianthus' hand, Eduard began to jump up and stamp his feet.

The girl began to dance, imitating the prince. 'His hand is so warm,' the girl thought, a line she'd repeat for this episode's voiceover.

*
Dianthus awoke to find Zucchero's left arm draped across her belly, the hand gripping the scabbard. The girl's head turned to see the silver-haired sexaroid sleeping in the nude. "Kyaaaa!"

Zucchero rolled out of the bed to crouch on the floor, and drew her scimitar. She turned to her mistress. "Where is the enemy?"

Dianthus covered her eyes. "Miss Zucchero, please put on your clothes."

"Yes, Milady." The silver-haired sexaroid sheathed her sword as she walked to the chair where her clothes were.

"Why were you naked and in my bed?" the girl demanded.

"As your maidservant, I must remain by your side, ready to defend you from any enemy."

"Naked?" Dianthus slept in her chemise.

"It is more comfortable to sleep in the nude." Zucchero put on her boots and finished dressing. "Let us nourish ourselves with some breakfast, Lady Dianthus."

***
Trumpeters played a rousing tune as Linda led 20 knights on horseback on parade; streamers hung from their jousting lances. The knights rode around the lists, the field for jousting, before stopping in front of the box where noblemen and women-- including Abe, Maria, Dianthus and her maidservant-- sat. Aizhan and the Fallschirmjäger-- wearing the uniforms of Landsknechte, German mercenaries, their chainswords replaced by pikes and Zweihänder, German two-handed swords-- stood behind the fences, drinking wine and eating drumsticks.

The trumpeters paused as the black man rose and extended his hand towards the knights. "This tournament is held in honor of His Royal Highness the Prince Eduard, who led the armies of Albion and Schwarzwald in battle against the forces of Gallia; and to the Lord our God, who granted us victory." The trumpets drew the audience's attention to Eduard as he rode in front of the box.

"Prince Eduard is a handsome man," Zucchero commented.

Dianthus blushed as she stared at the prince. "Yes."

"I believe he will be an excellent choice for your husband."

The girl's face seemed to glow like a lantern as she turned to the silver-haired sexaroid. "Ehhhh?!"

"As the honored guest of the Duke of Schwarzwald, His Royal Highness the Prince Eduard has been named champion of the tournament; those who seek glory may challenge the prince for the title," the announcer stated.

A shield, strapped to Eduard's left forearm, bore his coat of arms-- a skull over two femurs forming a cross that quartered the shield, the first and third quarters black fields with golden fleurs-de-lis, the second and fourth red fields with three golden lions. The prince threw a gauntlet onto the ground. "Who dares to challenge me?"

Linda turned her horse around to face the knights. "Let the joust bring glory to our lands and peoples." She rode towards the thrown gauntlet. "I..." Shadows enveloped the lists as storm clouds blotted out the sun. The surprised redhead looked up. "What...?"

"Roarrrr!"

Linda drew a blunted sword, used for tournaments. "Mother of God!" Strong winds blew her horse onto its side; the redhead's leg was pinned under the horse's body, immobilizing her.

Eduard charged; lightning scorched the ground behind him. The prince threw his jousting lance like a javelin, the tip reaching for the source of the wind-- a 27-meter-long dragon with a broken horn, wearing a knight's armor, whose flapping wings generating winds that blew off the box roof.

The dragon's front claws held a magically enlarged great sword; he slashed, shattering the lance. Eduard used the distraction draw a blunted sword from a scabbard buckled to his saddle; he jumped into the air and slashed at the dragon's exposed back.

"Milord!" "Your Highness!" "Shrieeeek!"

The dragon writhed to parry Eduard's attack; he folded his wings as he fell. The dragon transformed into a man, who somersaulted in midair to land on his feet; his armor magically shrank and changed shape to fit his human form, and his great sword shrank.

The prince landed on his horse; he turned his horse around to face the transformed man.

"Your Highness!" Spezia threw her master's arming swords, weapons of war.

Eduard dropped the blunted sword to catch the swords, which he pointed at the man; behind him, the golden-haired sexaroid was pulling the redhead free of the fallen horse. "Greetings, Kind Sir. Have we met?" the prince asked.

"Greetings, Deathly Prince. Yes, we met at Nanciacum, where you cut off one of my horns before routing my army; the wounds still sting." The man's physical appearance was that of a 25-year-old, but as a vampire, he had seen 890 winters. He had black hair that reached his shoulders, a beard and mustache, and violet eyes. A scar on his forehead marked the place where the dragon's left horn was cut off.

"Such is war."

An 18-meter-long dragon led two gargoyles towards the lists; they landed behind the man and transformed into beautiful women, their armor shrinking and changing shape to fit the women's human forms. The Landsknechte transformed as they drew their Zweihänder, jumped over the fence, and surrounded the transformed women.

The gargoyles-turned-women, a blonde and a Moor, ignored the weapons now aimed at them. "You stand in the presence of His Majesty the King Clovis, scion of the House of Merovingian and heir to the powers of the Lord Jesus Christ, ruler of Gallia, the Promised Land of immortals," the blonde stated. "Bow and show His Majesty the respect he deserves as King of Gallia," the Moor demanded.

'Two welcome additions to my harem; I wish the sponsors had the courage to... what is the term? "Let me out of the closet," giving the character designer an opportunity to design more.' "Are you wounded, Father?" the dragon-turned-woman asked.

Nadeshiko-turned-Dianthus gasped as she stared at the dragon-turned-woman: Balthild. "It's her!" she whispered.

Zucchero now stood in front of her mistress, a scimitar in the sexaroid's hand. "Lady Dianthus?"

"The strange woman at the hot springs!"

Clovis-- the vampire who ruled Gallia, who could transform into a dragon and command storms-- turned to his daughter. "I am unhurt." He turned to Eduard and psychically lifted the thrown gauntlet off the ground, into his hand. "I dare to challenge you, Deathly Prince; the prize shall be the lands of Alsatiae and Lotharingia, which your forces seized from my dominion."

"Those lands are no longer mine to give, Your Majesty; they are now part of the Duchy of Schwarzwald," the prince stated.

"A bribe to buy the services of the Duke's army, Deathly Prince?"

"Such is diplomacy, Your Majesty."

Clovis turned to the box; he saw the worry in Dianthus' eyes as the girl stared at Eduard. "Then the prize shall be the woman you love, who shall enter my family's service."

The challenge confused the prince. "Which woman?"

Balthild glided towards the box. "You are Lady Dianthus Giappone, Duchess of Florentia, yes? I met your father when I visited Florentia last September; I see his spirit in you."

Zucchero pointed her scimitar at Balthild. "My mistress is not a pretty bauble to be given away like a prize."

The dhampire smiled. "She will not be a bauble; she will be one of my ladies-in-waiting. In my service, she shall," 'enjoy pleasures beyond what the mortal frame can bear,' "be honored beyond what the mortal mind can comprehend." Even non-psychic powers felt the lust radiating from Balthild, like heat from the sun.

The girl's face seemed to glow like a lantern. "I'm not..."

"Although I am not betrothed to Lady Dianthus, nor do I seek her hand in marriage, it is my chivalric duty to fight for her honor. With her permission, I will accept your challenge," Eduard stated.

Dianthus turned to her champion. "You..."

"You have my mistress' permission," Zucchero deadpanned.

"Shall we use blunted weapons?" the prince asked.

"Neighhhh!" A Mare of Diomedes, a man-eating horse with bat wings and a scorpion's tail, dived towards the lists. Beherit, his armor painted black to distinguish him from his 20XX incarnation, rode the monstrous horse; the Red Legion leader aimed his lance at Aizhan's throat.

Aizhan somersaulted backwards to dodge the thrust. "Grrrr." The monstrous horse's stinger lashed at the werewolves, forcing them to back away as it landed.

Beherit turned to see Eduard face Clovis. 'Johnny is promoted, becoming the crown prince of a G8 nation-- two G8 nations, according to the history of the Hundred Years' War-- while I am demoted, becoming a new character's delivery boy. I hate this episode.' He rode up to the vampire king, and dismounted.

Clovis released his sword, whose guard was a golden bat; the guard's wings flapped to keep the blade off the ground. "We shall use weapons of war." The vampire king mounted the monstrous horse; his arm extended to receive a lance from the Red Legion leader, who marched to the dhampire's side.

Eduard sheathed the sword in his right hand and extended his arm. "Lance." Spezia put the weapon of war in the prince's hand.

Clovis pointed his lance at his opponent. "Are you ready to be judged before the Lord Jesus Christ, Deathly Prince?"

Eduard answered by turning to the box. "Trumpeters, signal the tilt." The prince pointed his lance at the vampire king.

"I see." The trumpeters gave the signal. "Ya!" Clovis and his opponent charged towards each other; then Eduard's horse jumped over the tilt, the barrier between the prince and his opponent, a split-second before lightning scorched the ground on his side.

The point of Eduard's lance reached for Clovis' left eye. The vampire king's sword flew in front of the prince to cut off the point; then the magical weapon thrust at Eduard.

"Your Highness!"

The prince jumped off his horse, over the magical weapon, and then landed on the vampire king's lance. Eduard pointed a sword at Clovis' left eye, and lunged.

"Your Majesty!" "Father!"

The vampire king's left hand gripped the blade, stopping the point of the prince's sword before it could blind him; blood flowed from the cuts on his hand. He released the lance; Eduard jumped, somersaulted over Clovis' head, and landed on his saddle as the horses passed each other.

The prince and the vampire king turned their horses around. "You violated the code of chivalry and the rules of the tournament," Eduard calmly stated.

Clovis smiled as his sword flew into his hand. "Such is vengeance, Deathly Prince." The vampire king and the prince charged.

Dianthus climbed over the fence and ran towards Balthild.

"Lady Dianthus!" Zucchero ran after her mistress.

Beherit drew a scimitar and pointed it at Dianthus, but Zucchero sent throwing knife into his right eye. "Ahhhh!" He kneeled as the girl ran past him. 'I truly hate this episode,' the Red Legion leader thought as he fell on his chest.

The blonde drew an arming sword as the Moor drew a scimitar; then raised their weapons as they stepped in front of the girl to shield their mistress. The silver-haired sexaroid sent two knives towards the gargoyles-turned-women; as the blonde and the Moor blocked the attacks, Dianthus ran between them and stopped in front of Balthild. The gargoyles-turned-women reached for the girl; then the blonde blocked a slash from Zucchero's scimitar as the Moor blocked a thrust from the knife in the silver-haired sexaroid's left hand.

Dianthus heard the prince and the vampire king's swords clank against each other. She performed a zarei-- she kneeled, placed her hands upon the floor, and bowed until her head touched her hands. "Miss, please stop the battle! I don't want anybody to get hurt!" Tears rained upon Dianthus' hands.

The gargoyles-turned-women frowned at the girl. "You will address Crown Princess Balthild, scion of the House of Merovingian, heir to..."

"Sheathe your swords, Amelie, Kalila," the dhampire ordered.

"Yes, Your Highness." The blonde and the Moor complied; Zucchero's scimitar returned to its scabbard as her throwing knife returned to one of the sheaths hidden under her gown.

Eduard beheaded the Mare of Diomedes. Clovis jumped off his horse. "Roarrrr!" The vampire king transformed into a dragon, and launched a pyrokinetic attack; the prince's horse reared to dodge the fireball.

Balthild, ignoring the battle raging in front of her, took a knee and put her hand under Dianthus' chin. The girl's head rose to look into the dhampire's eyes. "I will ask my father to end the duel, but in return, you must accept the Kiss of the Red Rose, Lady Dianthus."

The girl blushed. "A kiss?" Then Dianthus felt Balthild's lips upon her own. "Gasp!" The dhampire pushed the girl against the ground as her tongue reach between those lips to massage the girl's tongue. Dianthus felt lightheaded as Balthild broke off the kiss. "I..."

The dhampire's lips crept down the girl's neck; then Dianthus felt two points, Balthild's fangs, upon her jugular vein. "Kyaaaa!"

*
"Mistress Nadeshiko?"

Nadeshiko's eyes opened to see Sugar looking down on her; the 14-year-old's head laid upon the silver-haired sexaroid's lap. "Miss Zucchero?"

"Who is Zucchero?" Sugar asked.

The 14-year-old saw that she was inside a car. "Miss Sugar? Where...?"

"You're in my car, on the way to the base," Aizhan from the driver's seat.

"Why...?"

"Terrorists put a bomb in Sugar's car, blew it up, and then tried to finish you while you were unconscious. You were lucky Johnny went to Ranger School; he knew what to do in that situation," the tsundere girl commented.

Nadeshiko sat up. "Mister Tsurugi?"

"I was able to send a distress signal to Spice," Sugar stated. "She reported the assassination attempt to Mister Tsurugi, who led the casevac," casualty evacuation.

The 14-year-old blushed. "He saved me?" Then Sugar put her head against Nadeshiko's heart. "Ehhhh?!"

"Your heart rate is elevated, a sign of stress. Would you...?"

"It's not stress, it's..." The 14-year-old's face was as red as a cherry.

"Don't forget to use a condom," Aizhan deadpanned.

Nadeshiko's face seemed to glow like a brake light. "B-b-but I'm n-not ready to..." She put her hand over her neck, and felt wetness. "Gasp!"

"Mistress Nadeshiko?" The silver-haired sexaroid examined her mistress. "You have shrapnel wounds on your neck. I apologize for not noticing them earlier. I will treat the wounds." She opened a first aid kit.

The girl felt the sexaroid rub disinfectant on her neck. 'If the dream was more than a dream, is the strange woman the dragon?' she wondered, a line she'd repeat for this episode's voiceover. 'Is she...?'

"Cut!" the director ordered. "Good job, girls."

***
To be continued...

Author's notes are below.

***
Johnny's original alias was "John," an admittedly unimaginative name; his ancestor's original name was "Brand"-- Sword in Old English. I decided to strengthen the link between the characters and their historical inspirations; "Eduard" and "Wilhelm" are respectively the German forms of "Edward" and "William."

George R. R. Martin's 'A Song of Ice and Fire' inspired Wilhelm the Conqueror's Throne of Swords. Eduard originally had an out-of-place Chinese repeating crossbow, which was going too far.

Sidewinder · Post by **Sidewinder** » 2010-10-10 03:17am

Johnny entered the break room to see Beherit reading a comic book. "Should we rehearse our lines?" he asked, holding up the script for the episode they'd film today.

"Of course. Let me finish this doujinshi," self-published book, "first," the Red Legion leader answered. "Ha! This is hilarious."

Johnny poured himself a cup of coffee before he sat down in front of Beherit. He saw the comic book cover, which showed him standing behind Nadeshiko, his right hand on the girl's breast and his left reaching underneath her panties. "What are you reading?"

"'Enslaved Ragnarök'. It has you conspiring with me to turn the female cast into sex slaves. Do you wish to read it when I am done?"

"I don't need a masturbation aid," the warrant officer coldly stated.

The Red Legion leader turned a page. "Aizhan looks great in a China dress," slang for qipao. "Why doesn't she wear one?"

"Aizhan refuses to be deredere-- a victim like the stereotypical China girl in H-anime." Johnny took a sip and then turned to the door. "Put away the book. Now."

"Why have you suddenly become a prude?"

"Ai--"

The door opened. "Guten Morgen," Aizhan greeted as she marched around the table, towards the coffee maker; she stopped right behind Beherit, and seized the book.

"Hey!" the Red Legion leader protested.

"In Wotan's name, what is this?!" the tsundere girl demanded.

"A doujinshi."

Black fur covered Aizhan's forearms as her fingernails became claws, which tore into the book. "This... is an insult. I... will avenge this insult. And the artist... will pay... in blood." She turned to the door.

"If you take that, you'll owe me one thousand yen," Beherit stated.

Aizhan took out her wallet and threw a ¥1000 bill behind her back. "Tell the director... I'll be late." The tsundere girl exited the break room.

The Red Legion leader picked up the ¥1000 bill. "Damn. Now I need to get another copy... assuming I can find one after Aizhan burns down the city to destroy the doujinshi."

"I doubt she'll go that far." Johnny opened the script to the scene they were filming today. "Let's rehearse."

***
BAD ANIME EPISODE 6: KNOCKING BOOTS

By Sidewinder (aim9snake@hotmail.com), 2007-2008, last revised 2010.

***
The character designer put the hand-drawn picture into the scanner. Thump! He turned to see the doujinshi on his desk.

"Did you draw this?"

The character designer turned to see Aizhan pointing Raven's Kiss at his throat. "N-n-no."

"Then who? I know an XYZ employee-- someone who saw Aimei's character design-- drew this."

The chainsword still pointed at the character designer's throat; the man's sweat seemed to form steam as his overworked brain thought of an answer that would convince the tsundere girl to spare him. "An artist named Zero Douji designed the supporting cast." 'He was so unimaginative, he plagiarized his own designs; he won't be missed.' "He saw my designs for the main characters; I assume he's the one who drew the doujinshi."

"If you're lying, I'll have your spleen for lunch." Raven's Kiss was still pointed at the character designer as Aizhan backed out of the studio; seconds later, a mechanical roar was heard as the MKX Hybrid raced away from the studio.

Then the character designer ran to the restroom; he reached a urinal just in time to let his bladder release the fear he felt since the interrogation began. "Never again..."

*
The building, where the doujinshi was published, burned. "Help!" "Fire!" Panicking men threw chairs, computers, monitors, and scanners at the windows, and then climbed out of the windows, cutting their hands on the broken glass; they ignored the pain as they dropped onto the street below.

Aizhan threw an incendiary grenade at a box of doujinshi waiting to be sold. The werewolf marched through the flames, towards the fire escape; she kicked the door, which flew off its hinges.

A nodachi, a Japanese field sword with a 152-centimeter-long blade, cut the flying door in half; the nodachi had two serrated blades moving independently back and forth along tracks extending from the handle, like the electric knife a housewife would used to carve a turkey. Anna's stance changed; she held her nodachi horizontally, ready to thrust.

Aizhan sheathed Raven's Kiss and transformed back to human form. "Guten Morgen, Officer... Mason, ja? Johnny's woman?"

"Are you the one who set this building on fire?" the policewoman demanded.

"Yes."

"You're under arrest."

The tsundere girl watched the policewoman's magnetic field draw a katana and wakizashi, a Japanese short sword, from their scabbards to hover beside of her, ready to thrust; a pair of handcuffs hovered in front of her. 'Psychokinesis? Interesting... a worthy opponent.' "I was avenging an insult." Aizhan slowly reached into an ammo pouch to retrieve the doujinshi, opened it to the page where she was being violated, and held the book in front of Anna.

The policewoman blushed at the scene. "You work with Johnny Tsurugi, right? Is he... into that?"

"You don't know?"

"Our relationship hasn't advanced that far," Anna admitted.

"Johnny's sex life is none of my concern; he's smart enough to keep it that way."

The policewoman sheathed her swords as the handcuffs returned to their holder. "Can you take me to Johnny? I have some questions for him."

"Very well. And the fire?"

Anna became apathetic. "I called the fire department; they'll handle it."

*
In the hangar, Beherit stood with the script in his left hand; his right pointed a broom, a substitute for his combination weapon, at Johnny. "Time to die." He frowned. "That's so cliché. And how can we talk to each other when I'm in BAAL and you're in ULTRA One? I doubt you and I are incompetent enough to let an enemy have our radio frequencies."

Spice felt Johnny's eyes upon her. "The SOP," standard operating procedure, "requires us to monitor the International Air Distress frequency. I assume you two will use that frequency to communicate with each other."

Johnny took out a pen. "We better put that in the script." He turned to the golden-haired sexaroid. "Spice, say, 'We're receiving a transmission on the International Air Distress frequency,' before Beherit's lines begin."

"Yes, Mister Tsurugi." The golden-haired sexaroid watched the Red Legion leader take out a pen and mirror the warrant officer's actions. "Mister Tsurugi, I'm receiving a transmission from Sugar. Lieutenant Yamato has fainted, and will be unable to attend the rehearsal at this time."

"What happened to her?" Johnny asked.

"Lieutenant Yamato fainted after she was shown a comic book depicting her as your sex slave. Police Sergeant Mason has arrived, and would like to speak with you."

Johnny, Beherit, and Spice turned to see Aizhan lead Anna into the hangar. "Good morning, Anna," the warrant officer greeted.

"Are you into...?" The policewoman blushed, unable to finish the question.

Aizhan opened the doujinshi to the page where Johnny violated the bound Nadeshiko, and held the book in front of the warrant officer. "She wants to know if you're into S & M," sadomasochism.

Johnny frowned. "If a man is so pathetic that he must tie up a woman to get some, he might as well point a gun at his own head, pull the trigger, and end his own misery."

"So you don't intend to bind Officer Mason's hands and feet behind her back, suspend her from the ceiling, whip her breasts and buttocks, and then violate her?" the tsundere girl continued as the policewoman's face became cherry-red.

"Hell no."

"And how do you intend to... get some?" Anna asked, her left hand gripping the scabbard of her katana as the thumb pushed against the tsuba, or sword guard, ready to free the blade.

"Use my charisma. Offer gifts. Say gentle words praising a woman's virtues, her beauty and her flair, to thaw her heart. Convince her that we complement each other." The warrant officer watched the policewoman calm down and loosen her grip on the scabbard. "Shall we continue this at dinnertime? Say... 1800 hours at your favorite restaurant?"

"Okay," Anna answered.

*
Zero Douji sat on an examination table as a nurse bandaged his face, hands, and chest, cut by broken glass; his hair was singed. "And then the mad bitch threw me out the window. As I lay on the road, I saw smoke rise from my apartment. All my art, my unpublished works," tears flowed down his cheeks, "gone."

Anna's pen danced on the report form as she wrote down Zero's words. "Did the perpetrator give a motive for her crimes?"

"The mad bitch pointed at the doujinshi I drew and said she was avenging an insult."

The policewoman frowned. "You draw doujinshi?"

"Yes. They sell very well; the fans love to see the tsundere girls get violated until they become deredere." Zero watched Anna throw the report into the air, draw her swords, and cut the paper into confetti. "What the hell are you doing?!"

"I have no sympathy for pornographers," the policewoman coldly said.

"But...!" Then the artist's eyes crossed to see the katana pointed at his throat.

"Silence, or I'll use you for tameshigiri," testing a new sword's sharpness.

Zero raised his hands as urine flowed down his pants.

***
"How was your day?" Anna asked. The off-duty policewoman wore a red cocktail dress, her daisho hanging from a black leather belt.

"Okay." Johnny, now wearing a black shirt under a black business suit, a pair of sunglasses tucked in his breast pocket, took a bite of his bacon cheeseburger.

"You're a man of few words, aren't you?"

The warrant officer washed down the bite with some Whoopass Cola. "A battle ends when the last shot is fired, not when the last word is spoken."

"Can you tell me about your career?"

"According to my character bio, I was a Ranger who demonstrated psychic powers on my first deployment to Afghanistan."

"Psychic... can you read my mind?"

Johnny's head shook. "Not now. The director and writer have yet to define what powers I have. Anyways, these powers allowed me to pilot an ULTRA, a giant robot featured in 'Frozen Ragnarök'. The Army sent me to WOCS," Warrant Officer Candidate School, "and then to ULTRA pilot training."

"And then?"

"Six months at NTC," the National Training Center at Fort Irwin, California, "developing urban warfare tactics, followed by a second deployment to Afghanistan, this time as an ULTRA pilot."

"Have you actually been to Afghanistan?" the policewoman asked.

"Not yet; I may be deployed there once we finish filming."

"You're actually a US Army service member?" Most Toons simply wore the uniform, and displayed a lack of technical and tactical proficiency in anime.

"The Army is a sponsor; I was born to attract recruits."

Anna smiled; she found her date to be more attractive. "Are you busy tonight?"

"No." Johnny looked down to see Anna's hand over his, and returned the smile.

*
"Ha ha ha ha ha!" Aizhan and the Fallschirmjäger laughed as they knocked their beer steins against each other; drops of beer fell onto the table as they toasted their performance today.

Steve drained his stein. "Keep the nectar coming, honey!" His arm extended; a waitress, wearing traditional Bavarian clothing, collected the empty steins, left, and returned with a tray of full ones. More laughter filled the beer hall occupying the top floor of a hotel, as a Fallschirmjäger told a joke...

Silence. Steve sensed something was wrong, and turned to the door. Nine male Toons wearing the black uniforms of the Schutzstaffel (SS), Adolf Hitler's Protective Echelon, marched into the beer hall; three female Toons wearing dog collars, the leashes in the SS officers' hands, followed them.

Aizhan stood up and approached a Toon with the rank of Standartenführer, a SS regiment leader. "Leave. Nazis are not welcome here."

The Standartenführer frowned at Aizhan. "You must honor and respect your superiors, Fräulein..." The tsundere girl grabbed his throat, lifted the Standartenführer off his feet, and threw him at a window, shattering it. "Ahhhh!"

The SS officers ran to the broken window and looked down. "Standartenführer Doktor Psycho!"

Aizhan grabbed the Obersturmbannführer, a SS senior storm unit leader. The tsundere girl's arm extended to hold the Obersturmbannführer outside the window, 19 floors above ground; she ignored the other SS officers as they drew Luger P08 semiautomatic pistols and aimed the weapons at her. "You may walk out the door, or you may fall out the window. Choose."

"You will be punished for..." The Obersturmbannführer felt Aizhan release the back of his neck, and watched the ground rush towards him. "Ahhhh!"

"Bitch!" The other SS officers squeezed the triggers, only to feel strong hands pull the pistols out of theirs.

"Ahhhh!" an Obersturmführer, a SS senior storm leader, screamed as the tsundere girl dislocated his right arm, making him drop his pistol.

"Ah!" "Ow!"

The Obersturmführer watched the Fallschirmjäger slam his comrades' heads against the floor, ceiling, or a wall, knocking them unconscious. The US Army serviceman was counting money-- the SS officers' money, which they earned by appearing in the 'Nazi Sexual Experiments' OAV, money taken from their wallets-- before handing the bills to the beer hall manager. The Obersturmführer turned to see Aizhan and unload his pistol. "This is not over."

"Oh?" The tsundere girl heard mechanical noises, and turned to the broken window. Ten tentacles-- tipped with clamps for groping breasts, electrodes for stimulating a woman's nerves, hypodermic needles for injecting drugs, hoses for administering enemas, and vibrators-- lifted the Standartenführer, his pants torn off to reveal that his lower body was mechanical, back into the beer hall.

The Standartenführer's tentacles flailed. "Now you shall learn of my power... you shall be tortured with stimulation so intense, you shall be unable distinguish between pain and pleasure... you shall..." The cyborg saw the tsundere girl smile; the smile became a snarl as she transformed. "Shit!"

*
Balthild sat in front of Linda, sipping a mixture of blood and red wine. Amelie, the blonde, was at the minibar, making another cocktail. Kalila, the Moor, knelt on the floor, her arms encircling her mistress' waist as her head rested upon the dhampire's lap.

Linda felt Balthild's eyes, burning with lust, upon her as she sipped champagne. She turned to Amelie. "Were you jealous when your mistress asked me out on a date?"

"Infinite love flows from Her Royal Highness' heart, promising infinite pleasure and eternal bliss to those who are worthy; she deserves infinite love, pleasure, and eternal bliss as well," the blonde answered as she put a wine glass in front of her mistress, receiving a kiss in return.

"We are happy that you agreed to add your love to ours," the Moor added.

"I'm not in love with Miss Merovingian, I'm just," the redhead blushed, "curious."

Amelie caressed Linda's back as Kalila caressed the redhead's leg. "You too will learn to love and be loved by Her Royal Highness," they simultaneously said.

"Ahhhh!"

Linda turned to see the dismembered Standartenführer fall past the window to Balthild's room. "That's the third kamikaze Nazi I saw tonight."

"I believe the werewolves are responsible," Balthild said as the Standartenführer's severed tentacles fell past the window.

"Should we stop them?"

"I see no reason to intervene in the Nazis' favor." The dhampire picked up the champagne bottle. "More champagne?"

The redhead extended her right hand, which held her champagne flute. "Yes, please."

*
Steve almost fell on his face as he exited the MKX Hybrid. "Whoa." He straightened himself and turned to open the passenger side door. "Milady." He offered a hand to Aizhan, who ignored it as she exited the CUV. The military advisor watched the tsundere girl perform stretching exercises; then he turned to the golden-haired sexaroid in the driver's seat. "Thanks for being the DD," designated driver, "Spice."

The golden-haired sexaroid smiled. "You're welcome, Sergeant Zwolak, Feldwebel Skorzeny."

The military advisor returned the smile. "Call me Steve."

"Okay, Steve." Spice exited Aizhan's car and approached her Shelby GT500-- she drove it via remote control to Steve's apartment-- entered the sports car, and drove away.

Steve staggered towards the door. "Are you gonna be okay by yourself?" he asked with sleepy eyes.

Aizhan was apparently unaffected by the beer. "I can defend myself."

The military advisor fumbled with his keys. "You want some coffee before you go home?" He opened the door. "Come in. Coffee will help you find your way back."

The tsundere girl frowned. "Are you soliciting sex from me?"

Steve smiled. "I'm just trying to be nice." He felt an arm encircle his waist and lift him off his feet. "Hey!"

Aizhan carried Steve into the apartment, closed the door, and locked it. "Adrenaline still flows in my blood, preparing me for a battle that already ended." She approached the bed. "I will fuck you until the adrenaline is spent, ja?"

"Jawohl!" Steve's eyes widened Aizhan took off her clothes. 'Candy apple-red nipples! Hot!'

***
The MKX Hybrid stopped in the parking lot behind the hangar. "I'm going to get a cola." Aizhan turned to her passenger. "Thanks for last night."

"You're welcome." Steve winced as he exited the CUV; the tsundere girl bruised his hips and thighs last night. "By the way, how do you do that furry thing?"

"What do you mean?" Aizhan asked, stopping in front of the door.

"You're as smooth as a baby down there, but you transform when you come, and your fur ends up tickling me; the fur disappears afterwards. How do you do that?"

"I'm a Toon; that should answer your question." The tsundere girl marched through the door.

'I need coffee to think this over.' Steve heard an engine roar, and turned to see the F-150 PHEV park beside the MKX Hybrid; he noticed Johnny's smile as the warrant officer, still wearing the business suit, exited the truck. The military advisor smirked. "You got laid, didn't you?"

"I enjoyed a well-cooked dinner with Anna last night."

"And the rest of the night?"

"That's between her and I." Johnny marched into the locker room and changed into his flight suit; then he marched to the break room.

Steve limped after Johnny. "Getting coffee?" The military advisor smirked as he grabbed a cup. "She kept you up all night, eh?"

"Quiet, please." The warrant officer drank from his cup as he exited the break room.

Steve followed Johnny to the hangar. "So she's a screamer?"

"In Wotan's name, who is this?!"

The military advisor turned to the sound, which apparently came from the studio.

"Aizhan can take care of herself," the warrant officer assured as he approached ULTRA One.

"Group, attention!" Lara turned around and saluted.

"As you were."

The Latina watched the warrant officer examine the tiger-striped robot. "You seem... glowing, Sir. Did you get laid?"

"Focus on your duties, Sergeant."

"What, you're not going to boast, 'I knocked boots with a hot female!' like a regular guy?" Steve asked.

"That violates a woman's privacy; a woman gets upset when a man does that," Johnny stated.

Sugar eavesdropped on the conversation, and turned towards Nadeshiko as the girl and the silver-haired sexaroid approached ULTRA Zero. "Mister Tsurugi's mental and physical health was evidently improved by sexual intercourse. Are you certain you do not want to have sex with me, Mistress Nadeshiko?"

Nadeshiko blushed. "Yes, I'm certain." She entered the ULTRA cockpit, followed by Sugar.

*
Aizhan stared at a 17-year-old woman of Chinese descent, who resembled Aimei. Green ribbons braided the other woman's black hair around the sides of her head, making it seem as if she wore two nautilus shells; her green eyes resembled two jade beads. The woman wore a qipao with butterflies embroidered on it. A jian hung from her left hip.

The woman looked down, too shy to look into the tsundere girl's eyes. Two arms encircled the woman's waist, pulling her towards the dhampire standing behind her. "Ah!"

Balthild smiled as her wings framed the woman's body. "She is Ai Huamei, a beauty with whom I will share my love." Her lips closed upon the woman's earlobe.

"Your Highness..." Huamei felt her mistress' left hand slide below her waist. "Ah!"

"Is your harem too small?" the tsundere girl asked.

"My heart is not so small that I can only love one person in this life," the dhampire answered.

"Since you refuse to become deredere, I designed Huamei to replace you as a moe character," the character designer explained.

Aizhan put her hand under Huamei's chin, making the woman look into her eyes. "You don't need to be deredere to be a moe character."

"I live to love," Huamei felt her mistress' right hand over her heart, "Ah! And be loved by my mistress."

"Sigh." The tsundere girl turned to a vending machine. "I'm getting a cola. Do you lovers want anything?"

Balthild's left arm extended to hand Aizhan some coins. "Lemon tea, please."

The tsundere girl counted the coins. "For you both?"

Huamei felt her mistress' fangs upon her neck. "Ah! Yes! Please!"

"I'll have an iced coffee," the character designer added.

"Grrrr." Aizhan's fierce expression promised serious injury or death.

The character designer shivered. "Never mind."

***
To be continued...

Author's notes are below.

***
If you're curious about the title, "knocking boots" is slang for sex between soldiers.

StarDestroyer.Net BBS

Bad Anime (Version 1.5)

Bad Anime (Version 1.5)

Re: Bad Anime (Version 1.5)

Re: Bad Anime (Version 1.5)

Re: Bad Anime (Version 1.5)

Re: Bad Anime (Version 1.5)

Re: Bad Anime (Version 1.5)

Re: Bad Anime (Version 1.5)