Showtrial: energiewende

[Edi]

A gathering of people waits in the seats of a dimly lit amphitheater. At the stage there is a table for a panel of judges. Before the table there is a cage suspended from the ceiling and in it a green-skinned, wart-covered humanoid with a runny nose and snaggleteeth. It has been strung upright in a spreadeagled position, chained to the top and bottom of the cage. An unspeakable stench wafts from the cage to fill the entire space. It emanates from the creature and from the sludge covering the bottom of the cage. There are periodic sounds of coughing, gagging and retching from among the audience.

Three judges sit behind the table to hear the case: A man with a dragon mask and fire-patterned robes, a man wearing the clothing of a Roman legate and a man in a Soviet General's uniform.


Man in dragon mask: We sit gathered here today to hear and judge a matter of grave importance. This - *points at creature in cage* - thing, known as energiewende, has been brought before this august body to answer from its crimes.

Roman Legate: Ahem, alleged crimes, Edi, Alleged. This is a court of law, after all, and there must be a trial first.

Soviet General: Da, Comrade Dragonlord. Thanas is correct, there must be a trial first. *in an undertone* Good thing he didn't say it had to be a fair trial, so a show one will do nicely...

Edi: Yes, of course, Thanas, Stas. How remiss of me. Yes, it has been brought here to answer for its alleged crimes. Would the prosecution please read the charges?

*Stas gets up and walks over to the empty prosecution table*
Stas Bush: Bring forth the list of charges!

*an orderly of the court staggers in, bearing a pile of tomes, scrolls and scraps of paper*

Stas Bush: *picks up a random scroll from the pile* The defendant is charged with deliberately ignoring the arguments of his debate opponent and outright lying, multiple counts. This scroll contains the entire transcript and is entered as evidence. Prosecution demands maximum penalty.

Edi: What does the defense for the accursed, I mean, accused, say?

*Thanas gets up from behind the table and walks to the defense counsel's empty chair*
Thanas: I am afraid my client would prefer to offer no comment, citing his right to not incriminate himself... *in an undertone* ...any further than he already has.

Edi: Thank you, Thanas. What is verdict?

*Stas and Thanas walk back to the judges' table and sit down*
Stas Bush: Guilty!
Thanas: Guilty!
Edi: Guilty! The verdict on this charge is unanimous. Next charge, please.

*Stas Bush and Thanas walk back to the prosecution and defense counsel positions*

Stas Bush: *picks up a tome from the disorderly pile* Oh yes, this case... The charges are again ignoring evidence, as well as pulling arguments wholesale out of his arse, which- *cough cough* -we can all smell quite distinctly. The evidence is all around the foul monster, because it has a habit of defecating everywhere it goes without discrimination. Can't we do something about that?

Edi: I'm afraid not quite instantly. We'll have to finish the proceedings first. *in an undertone* Good thing this mask has built-in gas filters... *back to normal voice* Defense, how does the accursed plead?

Thanas: The defense contends that the evidence of the accused speaks for itself.

Edi: And also stinks for itself, if I may be so forward. Verdict?

*Thanas and stas cross back to the judges' table*

All three judges: Guilty!

Edi: Proceed with the next charges!

*Thanas walks to the prosecutor's seat and sits down*
In the interests of brevity and so as not to draw these proceedings out to next year, we shall deal with several charges at once. The troll is accused of being extraordinarily stupid about colonialism and its ugly history, complete lack of understanding of economics in the second and third world and for being an apologist for bloody-handed dictators. It is also in the habit of ignoring direct orders from moderators.

Edi: What does the defense say?

*Stas Bush walks to the defense chair*
Stas Bush: Your Honor, the defense counsel, having grown up in the second world and being familiar with the third, prefers to say nothing in order to avoid further damaging the client's case.

Edi: Very good. Verdict?

*a verdict of guilty, guilty and guilty is swiftly pronounced*

Stas Bush: *wearing prosecutor's hat* The troll is further accused of advocating the punishment of poor people simply for being in a shitty situation, even though it is through no fault of their own. What a disgusting little maggot!

Edi: Defense, please come up with at least some semblance of an agument?

Thanas: *facepalm* Uhh, Your Honor, perhaps he suffers from Delusions of Affluenza?

Edi: Nice attempt at getting him off the hook, but motion denied. It may have flown in a Texas court room, but it doesn't fly here. Verdict?

Thanas and Stas Bush: *without bothering to walk back to the judges' table* GUILTY!

Edi: Likewise. We seem to be uncommonly unanimous today. Next charge?

Stas Bush: *throws prosecutor's baton of office to Thanas*
Stas Bush: Thanas, your turn. Mind if I do the defense part from here?

Thanas: *catches baton* Not at all, my legs are getting tired of all this extra exercise. Now, let's see... Yes, the troll is convicted of-

Edi: Weren't we still in the accusation phase here?

Thanas: Oh, sorry! Right you are, what was I thinking? The troll is accused of giving its full blessing to war crimes allegedly committed by British troops in Iraq, completely ignoring arguments, lying about its opponents' arguments and shitting all over the thread where the topic was discussed.

energiewende: *squeezes out a fresh, stinking turd. Several members of the audience faint*

Edi: Guilty! No, no reason for you guys to get up. Next item?

Thanas: More torture apologism. Even the Nazis regarded torture as useless for obtaining information, after they had a pretty goddamn large empirical sample of trying it out, but apparently our troll here knows better how good it is for getting good information... *rolls eyes*

Stas Bush: Guilty!

Edi: Yes, he most certainly is. That's three opinions of guilty on that then. And the final charges shall be read from the bench. The troll is accused of basic failure of military knowledge. He has contended that unorganized or poorly organized militias can beat professional armies with equal technology due to military technology and tactics just arising spontaneously from the free market, in a scenario where there was an industrial society that had not previously developed military technology. It is dressed up in more prettified bullshit than that, but that is what the argument boils down to.

*there is a series of thuds from audience*

Stas Bush: What was that?

Edi: That was the Mess keeling over from shock. No wonder, given the way that organization, discipline and teamwork in a technologically equal situation tends to be a force multiplier, which the troll conveniently totally ignored. Wake them up with some smelling salts and then give them these to restore their depleted energies. *hands out a basket of snacks with a plastic knife*

*the Mess members gradually come around gratefully cut the snacks into bite sized portions*

Coyote: Thanks! This stuff is good, what is it?
Knife: *munch munch* Yeah. Seems like some kind of potato snack. Probably made from Idaho Potato...
Coyote: Oh look, they put in a cute little plastic knife there just to remind us of how effective YOU are...
Knife: *hits Coyote over the head with the cardboard snack basket*

*the entire Mess section erupts in a brawl*

Edi: ORDER IN THE COURT, DAMMIT!

*after a few minutes order is restored*

Thanas: So the troll is guilty, isn't it?

Stas Bush: So how are we going to execute it? Since Shep left, we don't have any ready means of applying Cleansing Fire and Dalton said this was going to be up to you. Though even your fiery breath may not be enough here, Comrade Dragonlord, sorry to say...

Edi: Indeed. I had to look long and hard for a solution, but I did find one. *gives hand signal and ominous drums begin to boom*
*pulls lever*
*the floor beneath the cage slides open, revealing a hellish glow from a chasm that extends deep below*

Thanas: *peering over the edge* What's that? there is something moving in the pit, it's not just lava...

*Edi pulls a string and a curtain behind the judges' table falls down, revealing a great statue of a vaguely man-shaped thing wearing a crown, whose lower body is composed of flames*

Edi: THAT, my friends, is something that took some arranging. Behold Catharsis, the King of Cleansing Fire! He is a king of elemental fire, summoned to this world as the embodiment of purification through flame. Replacing Shep and his nukes was hard work, but this should do the trick!

*pulls a second lever*
*the cage drops down into the chasm with a rattle of chain and a receding wail from the troll*