Boy Scout Roster:

[Raw Shark]

Chainsaw: My first choice as assistant when I became Fire Marshall. He was crazy. He sharpened the tools all of his spare time, and was the biggest pyromaniac I have ever met, like a love affair, and was the biggest guy in the troop. Dave told me I could pick anybody I wanted to be my assistant, and I picked him.

Goose: We cooked together. Kid was the biggest asshole in the troop. I put him down a few times for beating up smaller kids, but we were partners in crime, too. His sister was so hot, he told me we'd fight if I ever touched her. But I did! Pretty sure he knows, but I scored the goal. He's a cop now.

'tino: Became a computer programmer. Makes about 100 grand/year now. One of my best friends.

Allen: The unspoken gay kid. We were friends. Shared a tent many times. He was a huge fan of Pepsi, so he got along with my Dad really well.

Paquette: Played trumpet with me in the band. Got laid more than any of us.

Magro: Threw a pretty good punch, but I ate it like bacon every time. Kid ended up working for me doing fires.

Bellville: Is a fucking idiot. Chopped off his own thumb using an axe one day (which was sharpened by Chain, but you're not exactly unwarned in that case; kid made shit like a razor)... the only kid I ever took a corner off the Totin' Chit from. He did play metal guitar very well, though, even missing a thumb.

Short Matt: One of my partners in crime. We didn't like each other, but we did some things. Bad kids find common ground. I solemnly
swear that I am up to no good.

Tony: Was the first person who ever gave me pot. We didn't fuck, but it began a love affair. I went down to the lake with the little kids, to "supervise," and they filled a Dr. Pepper bottle with the most disgusting shit possible, and I was like, "Seriously?" and they just kind shrugged. What can I say? I did it. It's a thing that happened.

John: Had no idea how to be a normal human being, but he was a pretty good boy scout. He made Eagle. Also, his Dad was an Admiral in the US Coast Guard who got us a meeting with that douche GHW Bush, for what that's worth. My parents have a photo of me shaking his hand.

[Imperial528]

How in the world does a guy unintentionally cut his thumb off with a full-sized axe?

[SCRawl]

How in the world does a guy unintentionally cut his thumb off with a full-sized axe?

Probably a hatchet. It's used one-handed.

[Imperial528]

I was thinking a hatchet, but Raw Shark doesn't use vague language often.

It's also far more amusing this way.

[Zixinus]

How in the world does a guy unintentionally cut his thumb off with a full-sized axe?

By being careless, a little stupid and since this is Boy Scouts, probably not doing it the proper way of using a stick (the "sissy stick") to hold down the wood you want to chop.

[Raw Shark]

I was thinking a hatchet, but Raw Shark doesn't use vague language often.

It's also far more amusing this way.

Yes, a hatchet, sorry for being unclear. The standard sharp tools in the scouts are knives, saws, and hatchets. Chain used to sharpen them all day long (with an intense look in his eye - kid was a little scary, but he worked for me, so... well...) when he wasn't helping me to use them to burn things. The totin' chit is the card you get that entitles you to use those three things. Anybody who outranks you can take yours and cut off a corner with his knife if you do something dumb. You lose all four, you're off the sharp tool team. The leader can slice the whole thing in half (but that doesn't really happen unless you try to kill a guy).

I took my hatchet to college with me. I not only served as the fire marshal for the campus pagans (and kept them from burning the forest down at least once), but also built cheery fires in my dorm's living room all winter. I kept it on top of the refrigerator (I had a small one for beer). Occasionally someone who didn't know me very well would walk into my room and exclaim, "You have an axe on your fridge!" My friend Stu and I used to get drunk and throw it around his room occasionally. The only rule: Don't hit the Jack Kerouac poster.

[Raw Shark]

More Scouts as I Think of Them:

Litte Roger: The guy lived across the street from me, and he's the kid who was always working on a car in the driveway. His family also raised bees, of all things. The beehive was bigger than I am. My Dad can't go within 50 yards of their property, because he's allergic as fuck. He saved like three lives in a ferry capsize once. His little sister is also the first girl I played Doctor with, when we were about 6, so thanks for not kicking my ass over that, Roge. (To my credit, it was her idea).

A-Houle: Once took the glowstick during a game of Murder the Man with the Glowstick and just bit it in half. He had to go to the hospital. He also hung me on a tree by my ankles for like four hours one time, but I kind of deserved it because I was swinging a tree limb carelessly and accidentally hit Sean in the face.

Sean: Just deserved a break. I tried to be nice to the kid. He was literally a red-headed stepchild.

Charlie: Foster kid. Had about 15 brothers and sisters. Took his own life with a 9mm when we were both 20, because he fell asleep and let his mentally-disabled younger brother Woody drown. He was already depressed anyway, because his girlfriend (my friend Josh's little sister - Josh was not in the Scouts, so he's not really on-topic, but we made each other laugh) was always trying to kill herself and otherwise create drama, but that pushed him over the line. R.I.P, Charlie and Woody.

[Raw Shark]

My Patrol: The Chowdaheads:

I was the leader. Chain, 'tino, Little Matt, Goose, and Tony were the members. We were the partners in crime, who pulled all the pranks on other troops (especially 51, because fuck those guys). Every patrol has a standard for council gatherings, usually a flag on a 6' stick, but ours was the bearded clam. A giant clam shell (about 1' in diameter) that we found one time, and glued mop strings to the bottom of. Only Dave ever got the joke, and he thought it was hilarious, because Dave.

We were the not-so-nice kids in the regional council. One leader got up at the campfire and gave a speech one time that began, "Troop 50 are bad, bad boys," that became a running joke with us. We all still laugh our asses off at that sentence being spoken, and sometimes sing the "Cops" theme.

[Raw Shark]

Best Little Bastard Pranks Ever:

#1: When Harry Met Sally. The bugler was not present, so 'tino and I broke into the room where they kept the machine and installed a... substitute. It was a tape of the orgasm scene from WHMS. We planned this a little. It was broadcast across the entire camp. They were not happy, but couldn't prove we did it. Boy Scouts recommend that you always have gloves.

#2: The cannon. Troop #51 (from the same town, but super Mormon) has a small cannon that they like to fire at the butt crack of dawn and we were always positioned right next to each other, so they woke up at like 5am every day. One time me and the Chowdaheads got fed up with it, and walked over there (have I mentioned that I move very quietly and see well in the dark and am pretty much a ninja?) and poured sulphur and water down the thing, and when they set it off... it caused a lot of laughs.

#3: The Porta-Potties. #51 brought them one time. Cost them some money. We put plastic wrap over the seats. That was kind of mean, but... we were kind of mean. What can I say? I own it.

#4: The Weather Rock: The thing had a sign on it saying, "It's it's wet it's raining, if it's cold it's snowing, if it's gone, you've been ripped off." Thing weighed 80#. Small Matt and Goose and I took that as a dare. Probably the best caper we ever pulled off.

[Raw Shark]

Not on my list of best pranks, but IMHO still funny:

Little Al once pissed into the campfire from about 30' up in a tree. That kid later went on to win Season 2 of The Amazing Race, mostly because he could speak fluent Portuguese (one episode was in Brazil) and seduced the wife of one of the prominent rivals and divided them. He got half a million for getting laid, essentially. I have to admit to a little envy.

One time (okay more than one time, but speaking on a specific incident here) me and Chain built a ridiculous huge fire, because it was cold and we were feeling ambitious. We used about a cord of wood. Then we rallied the whole troop, and walked over to #51's camp site, turned our backs to their fire, and held our hands towards ours. They asked what we were doing, and we told them, "Warming our hands."

~~~~~

Dave Himself: Is a fucking beast. Nothing can stop him. When we were climbing down Mount Washington during Hurricane Andrew he slipped and split his forearm open from the wrist to the elbow, stood back up, raised his arm, blood everywhere, and said, "Scouts, rally! Who knows how to do a tourniquet? Big Matty, you up? Everybody watch what Matty does."

[Napoleon the Clown]

One time (okay more than one time, but speaking on a specific incident here) me and Chain built a ridiculous huge fire, because it was cold and we were feeling ambitious. We used about a cord of wood. Then we rallied the whole troop, and walked over to #51's camp site, turned our backs to their fire, and held our hands towards ours. They asked what we were doing, and we told them, "Warming our hands."

Okay, that probably tops the time I nearly caught a tree on fire. The scout master made the mistake of setting up the fire underneath a tree, thinking "The branches are ten feet above the base of the fire, there's no risk here."

Two pounds of dried out pine needles later, and the branch has flames from the camp fire touching it. That was an impressive little reaction I accomplished.

A different camping activity where they allowed me to get the camp fire going for the morning, and we ended up having the first fire to be going, as well as the LARGEST fire going.

Getting a fire going while on vacation in Minnesota was a real treat... It was really fucking humid, so the wood wasn't as dry as would be nice. Still got that motherfucker going and went through an assload of wood. All the while a horse watches us from his stall wondering, what the hell we're doing.

[Raw Shark]

Okay, that probably tops the time I nearly caught a tree on fire. The scout master made the mistake of setting up the fire underneath a tree, thinking "The branches are ten feet above the base of the fire, there's no risk here."

Reigning in Chain was about 90% of my job. I helped to gather wood, but after that it was all supervision to make sure he didn't start a forest fire. Kid just loved to burn things.

[Raw Shark]

Unauthorized Girl Scout Visitation:

So, one year a bunch of Girl Scouts from the camp across the lake came up our river in bikinis in a row-boat and waved all flirty-like. So me, Roger, and 'tino took this as a challenge. The three of us waited until the leaders were asleep, stripped down, and swam across the whole fucking lake (about a mile; I'd already done it for my swimming merit badge, but not in the dark) to pay them a little visit. Nothing serious happened, we just made s'mores, kissed a little, and smoked pot, but they seemed kind of impressed. Then we swam back.

[Raw Shark]

Getting a fire going while on vacation in Minnesota was a real treat... It was really fucking humid, so the wood wasn't as dry as would be nice. Still got that motherfucker going and went through an assload of wood. All the while a horse watches us from his stall wondering, what the hell we're doing.

Yeah, it gets pretty humid back home. The wet cold will cut through you like a knife. As fire marshal, I always had a bar of pure magnesium with flint on one side in my pocket. That shit costs about five bucks, and will set fire to anything short of solid rock. You just shave off a little with your knife, strike the flint with your knife or a key or something, and Bob's your uncle.

Chain and I were prone to get a little impatient and use Coleman fuel, also. Sometimes in combination. Really not supposed to, but... well, like I said, we weren't the good kids.

[The_Saint]

I may have acquired the title "Demi-god of Fire" in my time, due to my supposedly supernatural ability to not only get a fire started but also build the smallest smuldering ember into an inferno with little to no resources.

For a couple of generations my Troop was always known as the rowdy bunch, the oft quoted statement was our cooking fires rivalled other troops bonfires.
We used to have a fire building competition in my troop. A sealed milo tin containing a litre of water, a block of 4x2, a pocket knife, axe and a match box containing two matches. You race to boil the water enough to blow the lid off the tin.

As a patrol leader I had a rule that anyone leaving the patrol campsite for any reason had to return with at least one piece of firewood.
Another ruling to deal with shenanigans (which I borrowed from my father who used it as a scout and in the army), if you mucked up you could choose my punishment or Skip's (the Troop leader) punishment. If they chose my punishment I had flexibility to be creative and tailor the punishment to the crime and the Scout could hope the Leader's never found out compared to being able to guess the severity of punishment from the Leaders but knowing full well it would be permanently recorded against them. (I preferred meting out my own justice as it meant I didn't get my butt kicked by the leaders just for having my boys muck up)


Longest running prank I may have accidentally helped start began with moving an idiots tent out of the way of a road access-way and subsequently spiralled into a running prank of re-pitching people's tents as high as possible in the air (think tents pitched on top of water towers or self supporting dome tents hanging from flag poles at National events)

[Raw Shark]

The_Saint, our patrols sound like they had a lot in common. Anybody who outranked anybody else could issue summary justice without getting Dave involved, and Dave preferred it that way because it was less work for him and taught us responsibility and all that. We floated Magro's tent on a raft about half a mile out in the lake once after he kicked a little kid's ass, because dick. Have a nice swim, motherfucker! Ahhh, good times.

[The_Saint]

There's something to be said for taking a bunch of youth and instilling a certain sense of self-determination, independence, leadership and team building skills in such a manner that as an adult you can have faith that in whatever shenanigans endeavours they get up to, you know that they will do it 'responsibly and safely'.

I say that having been involved in some of the most outrageous shenanigans that happened when I was a youth member and now in charge of all the mid teen scouts in my state.

I have also appreciated that no matter where I go in the world, I can meet people I would in most other circumstances never speak to and ignore yet through the brotherhood (and I guess sisterhood as we have girls now) of scouting we get on like long lost friends.

[Raw Shark]

I have also appreciated that no matter where I go in the world, I can meet people I would in most other circumstances never speak to and ignore yet through the brotherhood (and I guess sisterhood as we have girls now) of scouting we get on like long lost friends.

They've made it co-ed down there now? My Token Lesbian FriendTM (her joke) stayed in the Girl Scouts until she was 18, but mostly because she's a total pussy hound. She gets genuinely angry when the shit I got to do comes up as a topic.

TLF: You got to go rappelling!? And white-water rafting!? They had me selling motherfucking cookies!

[The_Saint]

Hot news: most everyone is co-educational since the 70s.

Of the ~155 National Scout Movements only about 20 are boys only. Like the metric system, one might say it's just you lot being obtuse.


The coed status can be weird. My female cousin in England went up through Guides (girls only), obtained the Queen's Guide award, jumped ship to Scouts (coed) and gained the Queen's Scout award... but refused to let her daughter jump from Guides to Scouts when daughter pleaded that all the Guides did was "bake cookies, tie-dye shirts and other 'feminine' boring things".


Hilariously (or not) in Australia during the 'great insurance shake up' in the 90s (massive national overhaul of public liability insurance rules) the Scouts and Guides switched to different insurers and the Guides lost insurance for and became unable to run a lot of adventurous activities like abseiling, rafting, sailing, etc. This caused a shift as a lot of Guides jumped ship to Scouts to be able to undertake all the fun adventurous things.

[Raw Shark]

Yeah, we should just let the girls into the club. Their thing is not great, and they deserve better. Also, we would all get laid more, and hi have you met me? I can't object there. My name is Raw Shark, and I endorse this message.

[Raw Shark]

My Dad sent me my totin' chit in the mail! I can officially carry all of my knives again (not that I ever stopped). Ahh, nostalgia.

[The_Saint]

My state: could carry knives (well pocket knives)
State that we were all flying to for an international event: can not carry knives (even a butter knife in public is too much)

Leader at airport (IN THE GATE LOUNGE): "ok everyone, knives into the carry bag, get them back when you return"


I miss the good old days :'(

[Flagg]

Shit, I was a scout until 17 when I ran for senior patrol leader, won, and then the council (which seemed to think I was Satan) said that some ballots were lost and they had to do a re-vote and suddenly the kid who came in at a decently distant second place originally suddenly won. This was after 15 minutes of parents telling their kids who to vote for.

I got Al Gore'd before Al Gore did.

But no, it was fun at first, but then a Mormon family kind of took over the council and would run off any troop leader with a spine.

Fucking Mormons. Scientology makes more sense than Mormonism for Xenu's sake.

[Flagg]

My Dad sent me my totin' chit in the mail! I can officially carry all of my knives again (not that I ever stopped). Ahh, nostalgia.

I had a switchblade and never used it in anger. Now I carry a concealed trench knife. Because you never know.

[Raw Shark]

I had a switchblade and never used it in anger. Now I carry a concealed trench knife. Because you never know.

Hey, Be Prepared, right?

I'm going to get my totin' chit laminated and keep it on me. I can't wait to hand it to a cop who is frisking me someday.