Rebellion

Stormin · Post by **Stormin** » 2003-07-12 12:39pm

Since this is my first attempt at a fic on this site, I would enjoy any comments and would appreciate some tips and assistance even more.

Rebellion

Stormin · Post by **Stormin** » 2003-07-15 09:42pm

wow...it is so bad it does not even rate a 'wow that sucks'

Peregrin Toker · Post by **Peregrin Toker** » 2003-07-26 09:31am

As somebody whose original story has been ignored too, I'd gladly review it!

The general style of writing appears slightly pulp-like to me, but I assume that's the intention. The mood of the story is very dark, and I also like that.
The "mindbenders" are something which warrants elaboration further in the story - and I think they add a certain uniqueness.

One idea I really find novel is that the futuristic pistols look like flintlocks!!

Keep writing. Even if the "mainstream" ignore it, it's still worth reading.

Stormin · Post by **Stormin** » 2003-07-26 01:40pm

Simon H.Johansen wrote:As somebody whose original story has been ignored too, I'd gladly review it!

The general style of writing appears slightly pulp-like to me, but I assume that's the intention. The mood of the story is very dark, and I also like that.
The "mindbenders" are something which warrants elaboration further in the story - and I think they add a certain uniqueness.

One idea I really find novel is that the futuristic pistols look like flintlocks!!

Keep writing. Even if the "mainstream" ignore it, it's still worth reading.

Thanks. I will take the time to look yours over now

Pulp was pretty much what I was aiming for, and considering that it is taking place in a galaxy where a persons very thoughts are government property, the dark atmosphere would be hard to dispel.

And those guns are flintlocks. Anachronism and dueling code is currently in fasion. I did not want a story where everyone was going around saying 'wow! look at my brand new disruptor pistol!' Dueling code and WMD's are not a good mix

I got a bit more done since I posted this, I just have not uploaded it yet.

Edit: I finished off the first chapter and am now working on the 2nd (which takes place before the prologue)

Stormin · Post by **Stormin** » 2003-07-26 08:58pm

Chapter 2 is in progress. I will update it whenever I have written a large enough chunk.

http://megatech.tk/~stormin/rebellion2.htm

Peregrin Toker · Post by **Peregrin Toker** » 2003-07-31 03:03am

Stormin wrote:Chapter 2 is in progress. I will update it whenever I have written a large enough chunk.

http://megatech.tk/~stormin/rebellion2.htm

Very well-written, but what is the purpose of that game the Mindbenders were playing?

Stormin · Post by **Stormin** » 2003-07-31 07:01pm

Simon H.Johansen wrote:
Stormin wrote:Chapter 2 is in progress. I will update it whenever I have written a large enough chunk.

http://megatech.tk/~stormin/rebellion2.htm
Very well-written, but what is the purpose of that game the Mindbenders were playing?

Simple amusement. The objective is to create the more complex or difficult pattern in the magnetic fluid. In this, a single artistic flaw can be worth more points than the most beautiful snowflake pattern because an intentional flaw is harder to place without ruining your pattern.

Stormin · Post by **Stormin** » 2003-08-04 12:33am

Well chapter 2 is finished. I will try to write a chapter every weekend and this time I will not post until it is finished.

Any opinions on the dual running timeline format or the story itself? Any tips would also be welcome, I know I am not very good but I do wish to improve and without feedback, I cannot. Really, I would prefer an honest criticism and analysis to a simple 'pretty good but it could be better'

Peregrin Toker · Post by **Peregrin Toker** » 2003-08-04 07:58am

The dual timeline format is acceptable, as long you make it clear that there's a distinction between the two timelines. Otherwise, it'll be really confusing.

BTW, I find that the wallpaper on your site makes the text slightly hard to read.

BTW#2, I suggest a future chapter largely concentrated on describing the Mindbenders, their abilities, history, origins, their nature, etc... It might slow the story down a little, but some things simply need to be explained.

Stormin · Post by **Stormin** » 2003-08-04 08:34pm

I was planning to make the trip Beta is taking a chance to explain mindbenders. And I will change the background. I guess I will stick with white

Stormin · Post by **Stormin** » 2003-08-16 06:18pm

Well writing chapter 3 now. Maybe I will be able to post tonight, only a week late

Peregrin Toker · Post by **Peregrin Toker** » 2003-08-17 02:10am

Doesn't matter if it's delayed - as long it's well written, I have no trouble with it.

Stormin · Post by **Stormin** » 2003-08-17 01:23pm

good? that is a joke. I suck at exposition in large blocks. Hopefully I did not mess it up too bad and I decided to get the plot rolling a bit faster now by revealing Khaldan's plan. Next chapter will take place in the past again and will involve a battle between modern warships.

http://megatech.tk/~stormin/rebellion3.htm

Peregrin Toker · Post by **Peregrin Toker** » 2003-08-17 02:46pm

It's not that bad - I definately liked the expansion upon the Mindbenders. So far, it's enjoyable.

BTW - is Separothe named after Sephiroth??

Stormin · Post by **Stormin** » 2003-08-17 04:07pm

I just looked him up and no, I have not played final fantasy whatever that was. I probably heard the name before though and remembered it because it was so strange.

And how come you are the only one who has said anything about this while there are like 250 views?

Post by **NecronLord** » 2003-08-17 04:10pm

I'll read it tomorrow. How's that?

Stormin · Post by **Stormin** » 2003-08-17 04:17pm

Thank you. As I said before, I need harsh critics or else I cannot improve anything. I decided to make this story my ticket into the writers guild so I don't want to show up on their doorstep with a bucket full of dogcrap

Peregrin Toker · Post by **Peregrin Toker** » 2003-08-18 08:33am

Stormin wrote:And how come you are the only one who has said anything about this while there are like 250 views?

I don't know, but very new authors often get little attention.

I've noticed that my fic, The Wormhole War, is getting increasing commentators as its expanding. Maybe it's because people have more to say as the plot develops.

Stormin · Post by **Stormin** » 2003-08-20 11:30pm

I hope actually having some sort of action in the chapter I am writing may get some comment. I usually try to keep away from too many fighting scenes because I have no experience or info on how they would be done.