[humor] Things you have to believe to be a Republican today.

Mitth`raw`nuruodo · Post by **Mitth`raw`nuruodo** » 2004-06-09 06:38pm

Since there seems to be some other humor threads in here... I got this e-mail about a week ago.

Things you have to believe to be a Republican today.

1. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless
you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you
need our prayers for your recovery.

2. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our
highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against
Iraq.

3. Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big
Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve
the pain of illness.

4. "Standing Tall for America'" means firing your workers and
moving their jobs to India.

5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all
mankind without regulation.

6. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and
Hillary Clinton.

7. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops
in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

8. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday
run for governor of California as a Republican.

9. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

10. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time
allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

11. HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public
at heart.

12. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy.
Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

13. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science,
but creationism should be taught in schools.

14. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when
Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business
with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden"
diversion.

15. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an
impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war
in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

16. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the
Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring
the Internet.

17. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades,
but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

18. You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John
Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a
right to adopt.

19. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national
interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

20. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but
trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international
harmony.

Feel free to pass these on. If you don't send them to at least
ten other people, we're likely to be stuck with Bush for 4 more
years.

Do you want that?

Joe · Post by **Joe** » 2004-06-09 06:40pm

HemlockGrey · Post by **HemlockGrey** » 2004-06-09 07:04pm

But funny. Are we just bitter about our inability to kill Castro, or what?

Gil Hamilton · Post by **Gil Hamilton** » 2004-06-09 07:37pm

HemlockGrey wrote:But funny. Are we just bitter about our inability to kill Castro, or what?

I think the American government has come to accept it. Like Doctor Doom, Castro has dozens of identical robot Castrobots which he cycles while living in stasis.

Anyway, the list is old, but still funny.

Andrew J. · Post by **Andrew J.** » 2004-06-09 07:56pm

Well, I've never seen it before. I like it.

Xenophobe3691 · Post by **Xenophobe3691** » 2004-06-09 10:13pm

I love the one about Cuba. I mean c'mon, the best way to get rid of Castratus is to flood the island with pictures of how good we have it in America...

Solauren · Post by **Solauren** » 2004-06-09 10:17pm

Best way to get rid of Castro is to ban all any tourist going there.

Stuart Mackey · Post by **Stuart Mackey** » 2004-06-10 12:51am

Solauren wrote:Best way to get rid of Castro is to ban all any tourist going there.

At which point they all go via third nation

Predator · Post by **Predator** » 2004-06-10 01:56am

I thought Americans already were disallowed from travelling to Cuba - even through a third country, and that doing so can invoke a fine.

Most tourism to Cuba isnt by Americans. I'd like to see the US stop tourists from Britain, New Zealand etc going to Cuba.

Stuart Mackey · Post by **Stuart Mackey** » 2004-06-10 04:55am

Predator wrote:I thought Americans already were disallowed from travelling to Cuba - even through a third country, and that doing so can invoke a fine.

Most tourism to Cuba isnt by Americans. I'd like to see the US stop tourists from Britain, New Zealand etc going to Cuba.

So would I! I for one would love to go to Cuba, for I wish to find genuine engine parts for the Museum I work at

and watch as cigars are rolled on the thighs of dusky Cuban maidens

2000AD · Post by **2000AD** » 2004-06-10 06:35am

Predator wrote: Most tourism to Cuba isnt by Americans. I'd like to see the US stop tourists from Britain, New Zealand etc going to Cuba.

That would be funny. I don't think my friend and his GF who are going on holiday to Cuba this summer would be put off.

GySgt. Hartman · Post by **GySgt. Hartman** » 2004-06-10 05:04pm

Xenophobe3691 wrote:I love the one about Cuba. I mean c'mon, the best way to get rid of Castratus is to flood the island with pictures of how good we have it in America...

The best way to get rid of Castro is to wait a few more years. This guy is almost 78.

Natorgator · Post by **Natorgator** » 2004-06-10 08:04pm

GySgt. Hartman wrote: The best way to get rid of Castro is to wait a few more years. This guy is almost 78.

Heh, even so...when Reagan died, I believe that makes 10 US presidents he's outlived.

Mayabird · Post by **Mayabird** » 2004-06-11 01:20am

GySgt. Hartman wrote:
Xenophobe3691 wrote:I love the one about Cuba. I mean c'mon, the best way to get rid of Castratus is to flood the island with pictures of how good we have it in America...
The best way to get rid of Castro is to wait a few more years. This guy is almost 78.

But...but...Castro will live for 140 years! Haven't you heard what his doctors are saying?

18-Till-I-Die · Post by **18-Till-I-Die** » 2004-06-11 02:24am

May i ask, seriously, what did Castro do that was so horrible? No one has ever said, they just say he is the incarnaton of Satan and leave it at that. Did he comit a holocuast, or burn babies, or eat puppies or what

I mean seriously, i dont know. So if he is one step removed from Hitler, just tell me, cause not one in my life has any American explained why, beides 'destroying' Comunism, we need to be so pissed off at Castro. I mean God, he's just an old man who runs a small island, what has he done exactly?

Sorry if that is off topic, but the question has been in my midn for years and i never thought to ask it before.

kojikun · Post by **kojikun** » 2004-06-11 02:38am

18: It's tradition in American government to hate Castro because of his history with the USSR. That, and because it gets the votes of the Cubans who've refugeed themselves in Miami.

mjn6172 · Post by **mjn6172** » 2004-06-11 03:11am

I thought this was Ryland's list that he had on his website a few months ago. I was going to post a link to his list giving him credit. Instead, his list was just similar, so here it is for your personal amusement:

How to be a good Republican:

1. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread because people are evil and should be punished.

2. You have to believe that the evolution is a myth that shouldn't be taught in schools, despite the evidence of biochemistry and the fossil record.

3. You have to believe that there is no causal link between legal, easily-obtainable handguns and high murder rates.

4. You have to believe that global temperatures are completely unaffected by fossil fuel emissions, that the best way to save the national forests is to allow logging companies to cut down old-growth timber, and the best way to save endangered species is to allow trophy hunters and wildlife traders to import more of them.

5. You have to believe that homosexuality is evil (despite the fact that it occurs in nature) and that women should stay at home to cook and bear children.

6. You have to be against abortion but support capital punishment.

7. You have to believe that businesses never purposely hurt anyone to make money.

8. You have to believe that hunting requires an automatic rifle.

9. You have to believe that inherited wealth is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

10. You have to believe that war is an acceptable solution to any economic or social problem.

11. You have to believe that everyone should support the troops - except when it comes to paying them.

12. You have to believe the NRA is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are for poor and middle class people, not the rich.

14. You have to believe that affirmative action is wrong, while still supporting discrimination against minorities.

15. You have to believe that Ann Coulter is normal and really a very nice person.

16. You have to believe that the only reason supply-side economics hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

17. You have to believe liberals telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and draft-dodger belongs in the White House.

18. You have to believe that the Ten Commandments should be displayed in every public building regardless of the fact that not everyone in America is a Christian.

19. You have to believe that illegal Republican Party funding by corporations is somehow in the best interest of the United States.

20. You have to believe that the media are biased toward liberals, despite the fact that all the major media outlets are owned by ultra-rich conservatives.

The Dark · Post by **The Dark** » 2004-06-11 06:11pm

kojikun wrote:18: It's tradition in American government to hate Castro because of his history with the USSR. That, and because it gets the votes of the Cubans who've refugeed themselves in Miami.

As near as I can tell, that's about right. I know Cubans, both refugees and a few at my college who are students, and the refugees hate Castro, while the Cubans are confused as to why that is. IIRC, he did "disappear" some people, but overall his regime has been less problematic than most African or Eastern European dictators. Some of my friends (Americans) went over there as part of a church group, and they said Cuba, while poor, was still a nice place. I think it's just an old hatred because we placed Castro in power and he then allied himself with the USSR. Of course, we kind of dicked ourselves over with that whole Bay of Pigs fiasco, but nobody ever mentions Castro might dislike us because we tried to overthrow his government

.