GI Joe a fake

Post by **Vympel** » 2004-08-14 08:02am

G.I. Joe is a fake
Veterans group says military hero lied about his record; claims evil villains escaped his clutches during war against Cobra.

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By Dan Kois

Aug. 14, 2004 | WASHINGTON -- As G.I. Joe, the leader of America's daring, highly trained special missions force, celebrates his 40th anniversary this summer, a group of veterans has aired television advertisements attacking his military record. The ads, purchased by G.I. Joe Veterans for Truth, accuse Joe of lying about his war record and letting villains escape throughout the 1985-86 war against Cobra, Destro and the forces of evil.

In one 60-second ad, veterans of the two-year-long, completely televised war -- in which every weekday afternoon American troops fought Cobra, a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world -- speak out about G.I. Joe. "I served with G.I. Joe," says one veteran, Thomas Ross. "G.I. Joe is no real American hero."

In interviews yesterday arranged by G.I. Joe Veterans for Truth, a nonprofit arm of a little-known think tank called Serpentine Enterprises, the veterans -- low-level G.I. Joe foot soldiers, all code-named "grunts" -- were unanimous in describing Joe as an incompetent leader unfit for command and not worthy of honor. Rogers, a blue laser gunner 1st class, described the ordeal he was put through during the celebrated incident in which the entire male leadership of the Joe team was hypnotized by the Baroness and her Conch of the Sirens.

"Our entire platoon was ordered to attack Cobra base just to free all these addlepated G.I. Joes," Robertson said. "We risked our lives to save the Joes -- not the other way around." During the pitched battle, Robertson disarmed and captured three Cobra soldiers by shooting a nearby tree with his blue laser gun, causing the tree to fall on the enemy, trapping them. "I was dodging red lasers left and right," Robertson added. "G.I. Joe said he'll fight for freedom wherever there's trouble. That was a lie."

Another veteran, G.I. Joe Air Combat pilot Matthew Albers, noted that his squad was called in as air support when G.I. Joe allowed Cobra to take over Fort Knox. "This Zartan fellow disguised himself as the general in charge of the fort," Albers said, "and G.I. Joe was completely fooled. We had to scramble a dozen planes to attack a United States Army base, just because Joe couldn't see through a dime-store mask."

Albers' F-14 was shot down by a Cobra red laser cannon; the pilot and co-pilot had only seconds to eject and parachute to safety before the plane exploded. "Luckily," said Albers, "we escaped with only minor injuries."

His eyes misted up as he recalled the carnage that terrible day. "Eleven American soldiers suffered minor injuries at Fort Knox," he said. "Was it worth it?"

After G.I. Joe retook Fort Knox, Albers added, every major Cobra officer escaped, including Zartan, Buzzer, Maj. Bludd, and Cobra Commander. "Didn't catch a one. We heard them cursing Joe's name, but they drove away in a Hiss tank. Is that never giving up or staying till the fight's won?" he asked. "No, it isn't."

In a press conference today, the public faces of G.I. Joe -- Hawk, Lady Jaye, Flint and Sgt. Slaughter -- assembled outside G.I. Joe headquarters. They were flanked by much of the Joe team, including the mysterious ninja Storm Shadow, silent and brooding, and the Native American tracker Spirit, feeding mice to his eagle Freedom in a dignified manner. (Joe himself resides in seclusion; the few glimpses the public has been offered suggest he is a giant of a man, up to four times as tall as the rest of his soldiers.)

"None of the grunts were present for G.I. Joe organizational meetings," Flint said. "We're grateful to them for all they've done for our country, but they simply don't understand the tough choices G.I. Joe has had to make to keep America safe over the past 40 years. He kept Cobra Commander from carving his face on the moon with a giant laser. He shut down Destro's Texas dude ranch. He stopped the Crimson Guard from replacing all the world's money with Cobra currency. G.I. Joe was there."

Asked about the number of times G.I. Joe let major international terrorists escape, Flint scoffed. "Let them escape? No way. These guys have escape plans, jet packs, submarines constantly at the ready. We're just trying to foil their plans while keeping all our men safe. That's why the 1985-86 Cobra war was the only war ever fought by U.S. troops in which no American or enemy soldiers died."

Flint stepped back as Sgt. Slaughter took the microphone, shouting that two of the veterans in the TV ad bought by G.I. Joe Veterans for Truth were obviously Crimson Commander twins Tomax and Xamot in disguise. Lady Jaye came to the microphone and gently dismissed Slaughter's accusation. "We are, however, worried that the ads might be secretly funded by Cobra," Jaye added. "You reporters should remember that politically motivated advertisements aren't always what they seem. Often, back in the shadows, the people pulling the strings might not be interested in telling the truth."

The reporters at the press conference, surprised, smiled and clapped each other on the back. "Now we know," said Rick Atkinson, a correspondent for the Washington Post.

"And knowing," said Lady Jaye, "is half the battle."

No idea what this article is trying to say. But it's obviously related to Kerry, is funny as hell, and so belongs in N&P.

Patrick Degan · Post by **Patrick Degan** » 2004-08-14 08:31am

The reporters at the press conference, surprised, smiled and clapped each other on the back. "Now we know," said Rick Atkinson, a correspondent for the Washington Post.

"And knowing," said Lady Jaye, "is half the battle."

G.I. JOEEEEEE

18-Till-I-Die · Post by **18-Till-I-Die** » 2004-08-14 10:56am

Funniest. Parody. Ever.

I swear i was rolling on the floor by the "Eleven soldiers were sorta injured" part. Where'd you find this?

Post by **Ghost Rider** » 2004-08-14 11:05am

BWAHAHAHAHA

Oh this comedy gold.

The whole bit of how they described the cartoon and it's obvious allusions to Kerry are just great.

Yo JOE!

Iceberg · Post by **Iceberg** » 2004-08-14 11:11am

Where'd you get that from?

Post by **Vympel** » 2004-08-14 11:15am

Salon.com- would've posted the link, but you know how they are with their day passes and such.

MKSheppard · Post by **MKSheppard** » 2004-08-14 11:31am

That's nothing.

A Team Cleared of All Charges

WASHINGTON, DC—After more than 30 years spent hiding in the Los Angeles underground as wanted criminals, the members of the crack commando unit Alpha Team, commonly known as the A-Team, were cleared of all charges brought against them by the U.S. military, an army official announced Monday.

"In 1972, we arrested the members of the A-Team for a crime they swore they didn't commit," Gen. Stephen Lupo said. "They broke out of our maximum-security stockade, and from that moment forth, I thought of nothing but their recapture. However, a recent audit of their file has revealed that the arrest of the Alpha Force members was made in error. The U.S. military deeply regrets the mistake."

According to Lupo, the A-Team members' exoneration will occur before the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Armed Forces on Aug. 24.

Just hours after Lupo's announcement was made, Cpt. H.M. "Howlin' Mad" Murdock, the A-Team's pilot, resurfaced to speak with journalist Amy Allen, who often reported on the mercenaries' charitable acts.

"For decades, we've been forced to live in the shadows," Murdock said. "Somehow, we always found a way to help people who had nowhere else to turn, but we operated under the constant threat of recapture. Finally, the nightmare is over."

Added Murdock: "Owooohh, I'm a little doggie! Ow ow owooohhhh!"

Murdock and the surviving members of the team—the classically handsome Lt. Templeton Arthur "Face" Peck and the Mohawk-sporting mechanic, Sgt. Bosco "B.A." Baracus—said their joy over the announcement was tempered only by regret that their de-facto leader, Col. John "Hannibal" Smith, was not alive to see their names cleared.

"Somewhere up there, Hannibal is smiling down on us—maybe disguised as a giant crocodile or a wealthy diamond merchant," Peck said. "He loved it when a plan come together."

"More than any of us, he would have enjoyed seeing the look on [Col. Roderick] Decker's face when our innocence was announced," Peck continued. "Decker hated Hannibal ever since they served together back in 'Nam. Decker never could stand his cocky attitude."

Smith was gunned down in front of a Las Vegas casino in 1994.

The A-Team members said that, although they presume the army's offer of freedom is legitimate, they have taken precautions.

"We formed a backup plan in case things turn out to be on the jazz," Peck said, using the team's code phrase for a troublesome situation. "Murdock's gonna perch a helicopter on top of the courtroom. B.A. found a broken Howitzer in a junkyard, got it working again, and got it mounted in our van. We also have a whole team of troubled teens B.A. befriended and taught valuable lessons. They placed explosives throughout the courtroom and along our subterranean escape route. If need be, they'll blow that courtroom apart."

Peck admitted that their escape plan might be too crazy to work, acknowledging the possibility that he will be punched in the face during the escape. He also noted that stacks of cardboard boxes might break the falls of the military personnel thrown into the air by the A-Team's explosives.

"Just to be safe, I romanced a beautiful court stenographer and convinced her to smuggle some smoke bombs in with her," Peck said. "All in a day's work."

Lupo said he expects an uneventful trial, explaining that, as restitution for the military's mistake—a typo which attributed crimes committed by the H-Team to the A-Team—the court will award Peck, Murdock, and Baracus honorable discharges, a written apology from Decker, and 32 years' back pay.

Murdock said his primary concern at present is getting Baracus to fly from L.A. to Washington, D.C. for the trial.

"He keeps calling me a 'crazy foo' for trying to get him to fly," Murdock said. "I told him the chance of the plane crashing into a field of rednecks harassing a religious group was very slim. I'm thinking that if we drug his milk, we can get him on the plane."

Baracus said that he has big plans for his settlement.

"For the last 30 years I've been a soldier of fortune," Baracus said. "Now, I'm going to take the money and do something for the kids. I'm gonna start a gym. A gym for the kids. For a long time, that's been my dream. But I couldn't open one with [Gen. Hunt] Stockwell on our tail. He'd use a tank to send shells through the side of it."

Added Baracus: "I pity the fool that tries to blow up my gymnasium now!"

While the original members of the A-Team have been exonerated, the same cannot be said for Frankie "Dishpan" Santana, a special-effects expert who helped the team escape Stockwell's clutches in 1986. Santana, who remains charged with dereliction of duty, desertion, and insubordination, spoke with reporters from a holding pen at Fort Bragg.

"I suppose it would be too much to ask the guys to break me out now that they're finally legit," Santana said. "If I'm lucky, maybe they'll put me in a cell that has a blowtorch in it for some reason, or air ducts large enough to crawl through. Or maybe they'll just do a sloppy job of guarding me—but that may be too much to ask."

Within hours of his interview, Santana escaped using a blowtorch to open the cell's air ducts while the guards were having lunch in a different room. His whereabouts are currently unknown.

The Last Rebel · Post by **The Last Rebel** » 2004-08-14 05:09pm

'nuff said.

Col. Crackpot · Post by **Col. Crackpot** » 2004-08-14 05:39pm

holy shit!

Batman · Post by **Batman** » 2004-08-14 06:00pm

Way funny. Both of 'em.

neoolong · Post by **neoolong** » 2004-08-14 06:20pm

I wonder if Destro's Texas ranch has anything to do with Bush.

Master of Ossus · Post by **Master of Ossus** » 2004-08-14 07:25pm

I LOVED the part when they're talking about how G.I. Joe prevented Cobra Commander from carving his face on the moon with a giant laser, and Flint saying "G.I. Joe was there."

Admiral Valdemar · Post by **Admiral Valdemar** » 2004-08-14 07:43pm

Comedy. Gold.

neoolong · Post by **neoolong** » 2004-08-14 08:40pm

The thing is, Wasn't G.I. Joe the name of the unit, and not any specific character?

Deathstalker · Post by **Deathstalker** » 2004-08-14 08:57pm

neoolong wrote:The thing is, Wasn't G.I. Joe the name of the unit, and not any specific character?

A character was later added, Joesph "G.I. Joe" Colton, who was a Special Forces soldier in Vietnam and was used to explain what G.I. Joe did in the '60s and early '70s.

For some more info

Yo JOE!

neoolong · Post by **neoolong** » 2004-08-14 10:18pm

His code name kinda sucks. Then again, you have one named Chuckles so...

Iceberg · Post by **Iceberg** » 2004-08-14 10:26pm

G.I. Joe was actually the original 12" figure. The 3 3/4" team didn't come until the 1980s (a major driving factor of the size of the later figures was compatibility with the vehicles of other figure lines of similar size, particularly the competing Star Wars line).

Iceberg · Post by **Iceberg** » 2004-08-14 10:30pm

To further elaborate, "Joseph Colton" was a retroactive creation of the 90s - "G.I. Joe" was intended to be a generic representation of the American fighting man ("G.I." being the nickname for American soldiers that became common during WW2 (replacing "doughboy" common during the first World War) and "Joe" being a representation of the average American, i.e. "average Joe").

neoolong · Post by **neoolong** » 2004-08-14 10:33pm

I know that, I just didn't know that it was used as a code name before.

MKSheppard · Post by **MKSheppard** » 2004-08-14 10:36pm

Deathstalker wrote:A character was later added, Joesph "G.I. Joe" Colton, who was a Special Forces soldier in Vietnam and was used to explain what G.I. Joe did in the '60s and early '70s.

Only in the Marvel GI Joe comic book - I have that issue

Alyeska · Post by **Alyeska** » 2004-08-14 11:52pm

The character they are intended to talk about is actualy Duke. He was the leader of the Joes.

Though that article does get some stuff wrong. In the GI Joe movie at the Liberty Statue fight the Joes killed a LOT of Cobra, though you don't exactly see it. The Jets fire rockets taking out a half dozen Cobra boats, and the Joe jump/jet fighters were using their missiles quite effectively to blow apart Cobra rocketpack fighters and what not. You can logicaly conclude that a fall from the top of the Statue would indeed kill someone. More then half of the Cobra force was killed and all the crew of that airship.

Iceberg · Post by **Iceberg** » 2004-08-15 12:05am

Alyeska wrote:The character they are intended to talk about is actualy Duke. He was the leader of the Joes.

Though that article does get some stuff wrong. In the GI Joe movie at the Liberty Statue fight the Joes killed a LOT of Cobra, though you don't exactly see it. The Jets fire rockets taking out a half dozen Cobra boats, and the Joe jump/jet fighters were using their missiles quite effectively to blow apart Cobra rocketpack fighters and what not. You can logicaly conclude that a fall from the top of the Statue would indeed kill someone. More then half of the Cobra force was killed and all the crew of that airship.

Hawk: CO
Flint: XO
Duke: First Sergeant

Duke's current rank is classified but his last recorded rank was Master Sergeant (E-8).