Millions of adoring fans of the world-famous
Wafflehead have been waiting with baited breath for an update on the "Wafflehead World Tour," so
I, your humble correspondent, have brought you the
latest and greatest:
Project Longface: The Wafflehead's Maiden Voyage
The giant John Kerry Wafflehead made its maiden voyage out from its secure, undisclosed location in Columbus, Ohio, on Wednesday morning, October 27th, in order to attend a Flip Flop and Waffle Breakfast at Capital University, organized by Students for Bush.
As the project manager of Columbus Project Longface, I hardly slept the evening of the 26th...it was like Christmas Eve! And I couldn't get that darn Wafflehead theme song out of my head.
Volunteers met at the bunker at 7:00am and prepared the Wafflehead for its journey. As luck would have it, it was raining on and off, heavily at times. This would be a true test of the Wafflehead's courage and endurance. No one likes soggy waffles; no one at all.
We emerged from the bunker at 7:30am, spreading our message of disenfranchisement, indecision, and UN love to the Columbus rush-hour crowd. I think I shed a tear when we finally hit the streets. Our Wafflehead, this painful labor of love, was finally spreading its wings and soaring into the consciousness of voters everywhere.
We had a "Kerry-van" of about six vehicles accompanying the float. Four key vehicles had handheld radios so we could communicate about traffic and potential threats. We also used the radios to sing songs, pinpoint pedestrian targets, and impersonate John Kerry. Great fun. If we had had more time, we might have been able to solve the Mideast peace crisis.
We immediately made fast friends with fellow Bush supporters, receiving horn honks, high fives, thumbs-up, and clapping. We had our picture taken many times with cell phones. One woman traveled half a mile with us up the street, then turned around and waved and cheered us going back the other way. A man stopped trying to open his umbrella so he could watch the Wafflehead pass. A postman stood with a handful of mail, staring. People just couldn't get enough of the Wafflehead!
Um, that is, except Kerry supporters. Those loyal to Senator Kerry refused to look at the Wafflehead, which means (1) they were ignoring it out of protest, or (2), they were strangely comfortable with a 12ft giant John Kerry Wafflehead in a swift boat, traveling through Columbus at 8:45 in the morning. We may never know. They shall probably never speak of the incident.
And then, our hour of darkness arrived. After a routine stoplight, the Wafflehead gently leaned forward and "sunk" down towards the swiftboat. We needed to take immediate action; we needed to save our swift boat captain. Acting with efficiency, precision, and haste, our caravan pulled off the streets and into the parking lot of an Italian restaurant to survey the damage. First reports from the field were not good. We were going to need a welder.
Further examination of the destruction produced a brighter picture, and our maintenance crew sprung into action to repair the Wafflehead and get it back on the streets! Capital University students were waiting for us, along with television crews. We would not miss our chance for a political photo-op!
So about an hour later, the Wafflehead hit the streets, with a little less wobble in his waffle. The second leg of our journey took us into a hostile area of town and past a Kerry-Edwards campaign office. An enemy combatant in a white van bearing a "Bush Lied" sticker first tried to stop the float from progressing, then crossed over into my lane and tried to run me off into the median. We remained strong and steadfast in our mission, however, and arrived at our destination cheerful and full of promise, if just a bit jaded to the goodness of our fellow man.
We turned into the university parking lot at 10:40am, while two students wearing giant foam flip flops greeted us, bobbing and dancing alongside the float as we approached our cheering supporters. The crowd erupted as we eased to a stop, and one of our volunteers announced, "I'm John Kerry, and I'm reporting for duty!" We quickly turned on our audio to "The Ultimate Kerry Ad," the Wafflehead theme song, and the theme song from "Flipper." Flashbulbs popped.
People posed with the Wafflehead. Donations flowed. Friendships were made.
And then we went inside and ate waffles because...well, we were hungry.
...and here are some photos of Wafflehead's maiden voyage!
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, N(
