The Complete Military History of France
Posted: 2003-03-04 09:26pm
Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000
years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic
who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies
are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever
lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages
to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other
participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.
The Dutch War - Tied (FOR GODS SAKE IT WAS THE DUTCH)
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War -
Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the
world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their
first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.
American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to
future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far
moren action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the
Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the
fighting."
French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was
also French.
The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British
footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk
Brat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the
United States. Love blooms between French women and US soldiers, unfortunately
not enough to improve the French bloodline to any significant degree.
World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and
Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with
the Dien Bien Flu
Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army
by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule
of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical
to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish,
Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history,
surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should
not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France
collapses?"
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an
accordion all you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."
years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic
who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies
are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever
lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages
to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other
participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.
The Dutch War - Tied (FOR GODS SAKE IT WAS THE DUTCH)
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War -
Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the
world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their
first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.
American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to
future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far
moren action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the
Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the
fighting."
French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was
also French.
The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British
footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk
Brat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the
United States. Love blooms between French women and US soldiers, unfortunately
not enough to improve the French bloodline to any significant degree.
World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and
Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with
the Dien Bien Flu
Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army
by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule
of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical
to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish,
Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history,
surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should
not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France
collapses?"
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an
accordion all you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."
