StarDestroyer.Net BBS

Andrew J. wrote:

Bertie Wooster wrote:A guy reacting to a girl's emotional distress by talking about his own feelings shows a lack of interest in her feelings.

Basically, the girl in the scenario is showing that there is a problem and she's distressed about it and the guy's reaction is to try to get her to lavish HIMSELF with attention.

The guy in the scenario is thus coming across as an infantile egoist who seems to lack the emotional understanding to convey to the girl that her "feelings" matter to him. He's ignoring the issue of her feelings and instead saying that her behavior of acting distressed is making him feel uncomfortable and unhappy.

A lot of dudes are insensitive like that.

Jesus. If you really wanna read that much into it, go the fuck ahead.

Yeah. Seriously. Woe be upon us who are simply trying to sympathize with her, and didn't spend two hours thinking through every possible way that statement could be interpreted.

Personally, I think if a girl's going to read that much into it, she's the one being selfish; I'm saying this because of the way IB worded the OP, as guys in general saying it.

Obviously, knowing the guy in question counts for a lot, but making such a broad generalization that all or most guys who say that are being insensitive jerks is just a tad unfair, to put it mildly.

Forgive us for not spending two hours thinking every little nuance through in what we say.

Andrew J. wrote:

Bertie Wooster wrote: *jibba jabba*

Jesus. If you really wanna read that much into it, go the fuck ahead.

I made that faux pas several times before, and a female cousin of mine explained to me why they were fuck ups on my part.

*Repeats the senitment expressed by RogueIce.

Seriously...that's just odd.

RogueIce wrote:-snip-

Amen. I must be a girl who doesn't think that all men are insensitive pricks.

Sorry about that.

Crimson Raine

CrimsonRaine wrote:Amen. I must be a girl who doesn't think that all men are insensitive pricks.

And for that I sincerely thank you.

CrimsonRaine wrote:Sorry about that.

Crimson Raine

Um...?

No reason to be sorry. Hell, you made my night.

I have two general points I want to make, and I'm addressing these to no one in particular here (but definitely to some ghosts of my past, believe you me).


Say what you mean:

If what that person is trying to say is that he/she empathizes or sympathizes with the person who's upset when he/she says, "It hurts me to see you upset" or whatever, then that person should say, "I empathize with you." If that's what you mean, they say just that.

Although only very slight, that 'It hurts me...' sentence has a vague connotation that the person who said it is turning the attention onto him/herself to become a victim too. Usually when someone's feeling stressed and emotional, the last thing he/she needs is for someone to pull the "but my life sucks too" card. My take on it is, if I can take time to listen to you bitch and whine, you damn well had better take time to listen to me when it's my turn. Don't turn the subject back to yourself.



Perspective:

Some people are just better than other people at communicating exactly what they mean. Sometimes the less verbal-savvy people get completely blown away by the different interpretations one comment can have, because they either can't or don't put themselves in the position of the person to whom they are talking, seeing their words from a perspective other than their own.

If the person you're trying to comfort is already upset, they're going to be more sensitive and possibly react drastically to things that otherwise might be innocuous. Perhaps you yourself overreact when you're upset, when people say certain things to you. That sort of thing would be something helpful to keep in mind when you're the one doing the comforting/listening.

Based on my personal experiences, it's remarkable how many people forget how temper, sadness, stress, and other negative emotions can cloud the judgement of otherwise logical people.

RogueIce wrote:

Andrew J. wrote:

Bertie Wooster wrote:A guy reacting to a girl's emotional distress by talking about his own feelings shows a lack of interest in her feelings.

Basically, the girl in the scenario is showing that there is a problem and she's distressed about it and the guy's reaction is to try to get her to lavish HIMSELF with attention.

The guy in the scenario is thus coming across as an infantile egoist who seems to lack the emotional understanding to convey to the girl that her "feelings" matter to him. He's ignoring the issue of her feelings and instead saying that her behavior of acting distressed is making him feel uncomfortable and unhappy.

A lot of dudes are insensitive like that.

Jesus. If you really wanna read that much into it, go the fuck ahead.

Yeah. Seriously. Woe be upon us who are simply trying to sympathize with her, and didn't spend two hours thinking through every possible way that statement could be interpreted.

Personally, I think if a girl's going to read that much into it, she's the one being selfish; I'm saying this because of the way IB worded the OP, as guys in general saying it.

Obviously, knowing the guy in question counts for a lot, but making such a broad generalization that all or most guys who say that are being insensitive jerks is just a tad unfair, to put it mildly.

Forgive us for not spending two hours thinking every little nuance through in what we say.

see, having inner monologues trying to figure out her nuances of said statements is why I prefer not to have deep relationships.

InnerBrat wrote:Seriously, why do so many guys seem to think emotional blackmail can make a woman feel better?

'coz sometimes we're dickheads.

Zaia wrote: Although only very slight, that 'It hurts me...' sentence has a vague connotation that the person who said it is turning the attention onto him/herself to become a victim too. Usually when someone's feeling stressed and emotional, the last thing he/she needs is for someone to pull the "but my life sucks too" card. My take on it is, if I can take time to listen to you bitch and whine, you damn well had better take time to listen to me when it's my turn. Don't turn the subject back to yourself.

Damn, that's what I do. I don't mean to be selfish, but I try to show that I empathize, I always wondered if that might make the person more upset by "stealing the spotlight".

I don't feel I can help by just saying "I empathize", it seems so empty and automatic. What else can you do?

Just fo the record, I never have and never will say either of those comments. I find them unabashedly degrading.

InnerBrat wrote:"You know it hurts me to see you upset"

Oh gee, thanks guys. Knowing that I'm hurting you makes all my pain go away.

"You're much prettier when you smile"

And obviously the only thing I was thinking about was how pretty I am

and others in a similar vein.

Seriously, why do so many guys seem to think emotional blackmail can make a woman feel better?

A clumsy attempt at helping maybe?

CrimsonRaine wrote:Amen. I must be a girl who doesn't think that all men are insensitive pricks.

Sorry about that.

Crimson Raine

Oh we all make misstakes.

Dalton wrote:

InnerBrat wrote:Seriously, why do so many guys seem to think emotional blackmail can make a woman feel better?

'coz sometimes we're dickheads.

Further thoughts from In The Shower (TM): I'm sure we mean well, but we tend to be emotionally clumsy sometimes and wind up hurting more than we do helping. Like Zaia said, perspective. I'm sure we're not intentionally trying to be hurtful.

As I said, sometimes we're dickheads. But we try.

Thanks guys.

Especially, Dalton and HDS. I think that sums it up.

Oh and Mayabird, that's my perfect guy as well. You're not alone.

InnerBrat wrote:"You know it hurts me to see you upset"

Oh gee, thanks guys. Knowing that I'm hurting you makes all my pain go away.

"You're much prettier when you smile"

And obviously the only thing I was thinking about was how pretty I am.

and others in a similar vein.

Seriously, why do so many guys seem to think emotional blackmail can make a woman feel better?

And why do women feel the need to do the same? Maybe you just date pathetic humans? Learn to read character flaws, or don't complain when people aren't forthcoming about that shit. Many guys? I guess you've been around, eh? Partly bitter response on my part. I just get tired of these internet drama queens complaining about how bad they have it. If you don't like these assholes, then ditch them. Be more picky. Christ, there's a thing called autonomy. Familiarize yourself with the concept.

Mayabird wrote:
Do I just have awesome/weird guy friends? Because whenever I'm upset they ask me what's wrong and if I really look sad they'll also ask if I need a hug then listen to my woes. I'm supposed to be surrounded by emotionally inept geeky guys but they seem to understand me quite well.

Sadly, they probably do this out of hope that they will get to bed you someday.

InnerBrat wrote:Thanks guys.

Especially, Dalton and HDS. I think that sums it up.

Oh and Mayabird, that's my perfect guy as well. You're not alone.

Yes, I'm in the zone!

h0rus wrote:

Mayabird wrote:
Do I just have awesome/weird guy friends? Because whenever I'm upset they ask me what's wrong and if I really look sad they'll also ask if I need a hug then listen to my woes. I'm supposed to be surrounded by emotionally inept geeky guys but they seem to understand me quite well.

Sadly, they probably do this out of hope that they will get to bed you someday.

I don't doubt that that is one of the reasons behind their kindness, but don't mistake it for being the only reason. We can't help thinking that in just about everything we do, but usually that isn't our primary motivator.

Dalton wrote:

InnerBrat wrote:Seriously, why do so many guys seem to think emotional blackmail can make a woman feel better?

'coz sometimes we're dickheads.

Although usually it's the ones that are thinking with that part that are primarily acting that way, yhus making it one of the more apt descriptions.

InnerBrat wrote:"You know it hurts me to see you upset"

Oh gee, thanks guys. Knowing that I'm hurting you makes all my pain go away.

"You're much prettier when you smile"

And obviously the only thing I was thinking about was how pretty I am.

and others in a similar vein.

Seriously, why do so many guys seem to think emotional blackmail can make a woman feel better?

Payback for centuries of "If you really love me you'll *"

Where * =
-Give me the contents of your wallet
-Buy me those shoes
-Make that 7 foot tall wrestling champion take back what he said about my mother

bah! foul knave Spyder, I shall teach yea yet the rules of Chivilry and corjile behavior around maidens most fair. *Draws wooden sword and tripps over own laces.*

The Yosemite Bear wrote:bah! foul knave Spyder, I shall teach yea yet the rules of Chivilry and corjile behavior around maidens most fair. *Draws wooden sword and tripps over own laces.*

*scratches crotch, belches*

RogueIce wrote:
Yeah. Seriously. Woe be upon us who are simply trying to sympathize with her, and didn't spend two hours thinking through every possible way that statement could be interpreted.

Personally, I think if a girl's going to read that much into it, she's the one being selfish; I'm saying this because of the way IB worded the OP, as guys in general saying it.

Obviously, knowing the guy in question counts for a lot, but making such a broad generalization that all or most guys who say that are being insensitive jerks is just a tad unfair, to put it mildly.

Forgive us for not spending two hours thinking every little nuance through in what we say.

perhaps im just a traitor for all the other girls here but if someone is going to go off over a (clumsy) attempt to make her feel better, then she either isnt happy with the relationship or is in a foul mood and just seeks someone she can yell at, cant she stop spoiling the relationship and beat up a tree or blow something up on the computer?

InnerBrat wrote:

CrimsonRaine wrote:... What? "You know it hurts me to see you upset" actually makes me feel better. First of all, if I'm upset, it makes me feel better to know that he is, too. Secondly, it shows that he cares. =/

I don't understand. Why does it make you feel better to know that you're hurting someone?

I think it is meant more like the guy is empathising with the girl ... not that you are actually hurting someone.

another thing to keep in mind is that alot of us male types tend to have a hard time actually expressing emotions in certain ways. So while we might still care, it's harder to actually come out and say exactly what we're meaning.